Have you read Suriving an Affair?

Why was he threatening to contact family services?

When is your appointment with your attorney?

It's not too late.

Are you taking care of yourself?

No, you stay in Plan A for several weeks, meeting his ENs and avoiding LBs. You also expose during this time.

For what it's worth, I agree with the others that you should be in Plan A longer. You don't have your ducks in a row for Plan B so you have to be somewhere - you don't want to be in limbo - and Plan A is where you end up by default.

Plan B is for YOU. It is to protect yourself from the chaos and pain, when you feel your love for WH beginning to die. It is to preserve the bit of love you have left for him, so that if/when he decides to reconcile, you have a bit of care for him left, and you can work on reconciliation with him.


What are his top ENs?
You meet them as best you can. If domestic support is one of his top ENs, you have the home spotless and smelling great. You have his favorite meals cooking if he drops by. If not, you mention to him on the phone, or in txt, or email, that you had lasagne (or whatever) for dinner and how much you always enjoyed fixing it for him because he loves it so.

List his top ENs here and we'll help you come up with creative ways to meet them.


Do you have any friends at his old workplace? They could tell you. Or you could call and ask to speak to her. Why do you need to know about her, again? You don't need to expose to her, she knows she's in an affair with your WH. You need to expose to her husband. They may even still be married. She may have lied and said she was divorced.

There is always hope as long as YOU have hope. You guys aren't even divorced - and even a divorce isn't always final. Many times the wayward wants to reconcile after the divorce.

How do you resist the love busters? You just suck it up and DO it. Focus on meeting ENs. Think twice (or thrice) before you speak. This is a habit you need to learn for life, anyway, may as well get in some good practice, huh?

Yes, it sucks. And it hurts like nobody could ever explain to you. And NONE of it was your choice. It's a wretched, wretched situation to be in. ((((((Jaime))))))

I have not read surviving the affair,but i will try and pick up a copy today if i can find it in my town.

He was threatening to call child and family services because he said that I am too emotional,and he's scared I won't take care of the girls properly.

When I called yesterday, my attorney had not yet been assigned. They told me to call back tomorrow, and ask for a phone appt. Other than that, I'm not sure when I will get to speak to them.


I'm trying to take care of myself, but it's been really hard on me. With 3 small kids at home, and being a stay at home mom, it's been hard. On the plus side...I have lost 30 pounds...my doctor prescribed me some AD, but I have yet to fill the prescription. I really have no money for them.

I guess that's why I had been going to plan B mostly. I feel like I have been through so much over the past 5 months...that there is literally nothing left. But I'm sure I can muster up some more and try for a little longer, if that will help the most. The reason I thought it was maybe time for Plan B was that after months of trying, it is really taking it's toll on me emotionally. I'm really starting to buy into the idea that this marriage is completely over, and why would I want him anyway after what he has done. The only thing that keeps me holding on is looking at my girls, and what they should have as an example in their lives.

I really don't have an exact idea as to what his EM and LB are. I can guess...and try and meet them. I know I was successful to some degree in the beginning with it. He told me 5 months ago that he didn't love me, and didn't want to be married, so I found this site and tried to do what I read. He only told me a month ago about the OW. I have tried to get him to do the EN and LB test, but he refuses since he says it's over anyways, why bother.

I know one thing I completely screwed up when doing plan A before was boundaries. I really gave him none. I let him walk all over me, just so I could get him to stay.

My guess is that his top emotional needs are admiration, and me doing stuff for him (housework, meals). The biggest thing is sex, which I am obviously not meeting right now. A big thing for him was me helping him with our renovations. He expressed to me that he really felt in the past few years that I didn't care for him at all.

As for finding out more about her, I have some friends at him work. No one seems to know much about her, she only started there in Feb, and the A started soon after. No one actually even knew that she was separated and going through a divorce.

I should call and speak to her and ask her these questions? I have tried calling her cell, and she does not answer. She is afraid of me. I really am at a loss as to how to find out more about her.

I just can't help this sense that this is all not going to work...and wonder why i'm even still trying when he has made it so clear that he does not want me.

So what would be a good plan A then if he is not living at home?

I think I'm catching on to a few things. No emotional outbursts, no relationship talk. I'm going to focus on working on me. How can I start meeting his emotional needs again without is seeming fake? I also know that he will not be receptive in the beginning to hanging out together. SO Iguess I have to figure out a way to do it through the texts, emails and phone calls. I will be seeing him twice a week when he comes to pick up the girls. I guess a less obvious way to get him here and start things is to ask for help with something, right?

I think the biggest thing that will help is no LB. I have a fair idea what they are for him, and I know if I cool it on the relationship talk for awhile, that will ease his mind as well.

I really am needing help with this. I am getting no support for trying to save my marriage from family and friends, they all think that at this point I should just give up and file for divorce.

The other question I have is about boundaries. What kind of boundaries should I be setting? And also, should I be telling WH that I am working on things? Or just let my actions speak for themselves. The last thing we discussed about the marriage was him asking me to just give up on him, as he had not treated me well for a long time, and he did not deserve me. I was angry and said well then maybe I should just give up.

What are his top ENs?
Plan A is meeting his top ENs and avoiding all LBs.

Read the link in my signature. There is no such thing as "LB for me, LB for you". A LB is a LB, period. They are specific behaviors that you need to eliminate.

I wouldn't set many at all at this point. In fact, about the only boundary I'd have is if there's SF then he has to use a condom.

What are his top ENs?

Sorry, just saw this:
My guess is that his top emotional needs are admiration, and me doing stuff for him (housework, meals). The biggest thing is sex, which I am obviously not meeting right now.

Okay, he's at the house twice a week to pick up and/or drop off the kids. That's a great opportunity for you to meet his need for domestic support. Have the house sparkling clean. Light candles or put fresh flowers out where he can see them. Have his favorite music playing in the background. Have the kids clean, hair brushed, clean clothes on, toys picked up. Have his favorite meal in the oven so he can smell it.

Admiration can easily be done via email, phone, and texts. Admire how good he is at his job, or how nice his haircut looks, or what a great job he did working on the car or the yard or anything else. Tell him how much you appreciate how reliable he is with paying the bills. Admire how fit he is or that he's losing weight. Think of every tiny thing he does for you or the children. Those are all candidates for admiration. Admiration is sometimes even stronger when you admire him to someone else. You could mention briefly "I was just telling our neighbor Jane what a great job you do with keeping our appliances in good repair"

Sex - you can flirt with him, use innuendo, share a quick raunchy joke. Wear a low-cut blouse or a dress that really shows off your figure. Wear that pair of jeans that shows off your butt. Touch him on his arm when you talk to him. Make eye contact when you speak to him - long, lingering eye contact.

Okay, get hopping!

No, you shouldn't just come out and tell him. However, if he notices it, and questions your motives, you can be honest and say something simple and BRIEF, like "I realize there are some changes I needed to make so I'm working on improving my life." Then drop it and move on.

Thanks Turtlehead! I really appreciate all the ideas. Now that I see them here, they seem like common sense...lol...but for some reason these days, common sense does not jump to my mind first.

So i read the LB section. And well....wow! That is something...all of it! That I need to work on. Even with trying to meet his EN in the past months, I have definitely neglected the LB. So I'm feeling better equipped to deal with this. Having a plan almost makes it easier!

Pretty much I'm going to have to do a lot of work on myself...which is a good thing regardless of how this turns out!

So no boundaries...and sex is ok. that's good to know actually because I know once I start doing these things, sex will naturally be one of the things he wants.

So i'mgoing to try to implement some of these things slowly. I don't want to just bombard him with all this, because he may feel like i'm just faking it. Or should I just go full force, and let him see i'm serious over the next little while?

Well, WH called me 8 times today, wonder how he's getting any work done, lol! His life is pretty much falling apart, and he made a comment that mine seems to be doing well. I wasn't sure what to say to that, so I just said that I was trying to work on some things.

He was supposed to pick up the kids tomorrow and bring them back the following morning. He asked if I could go somewhere instead. I asked if he wanted me to go for just the evening or overnight. He said it was up to me. I told him I would let him know tomorrow.

So here's what I'm thinking...please let me know what you guys think...I'm going to have the house spotless,and the kids happy and clean. I'm going to make a fabulous supper, and have it ready when he comes home from work. I will sit down to eat with them, and then go out for the evening. I'll come home around 9:30 or so, and suggest that he just stay at the house since it makes more sense for work the next day (we live close to his work, andhe is currently staying an hour away). Then we would have about an hour before bed to just relax...and maybe play a game or something.

What do you guys think?