Does anyone ever feel OP is to blame more than the WS? I know it's easier to be angry at the OP because their is no vested feelings in that person. I read comments about POSOM and know that my FWH is that same man. I read comments about POSOW and it's like preaching to the choir since I'm the BW. What I don't get (well sort of kind of) is the double standard that WW was preyed on by OM or WH was preyed on by OW so there's more blame to OP; OM is a POS but not WW; OW is a POS but not WH...

Do BSs do this to cope because they don't want to see their WS like that and have to hold onto some belief that their WS isn't THAT bad compared to the OP?

Does it bother you when a poster bashes OM as they are effectively talking about your WH and vice versa?

I know OM is no more at fault than my W.

Why do I place most of the anger on OM, then?

Because he's not my W.


When I read about "POSOWs", it doesn't bother me at all.

My W was a POSOW. I've called her much worse myself.

In one heated argument, I told her OMW might shoot her in our driveway, and she'd deserve it.

If OMW came here and started bashing XWW, I would agree with her completely, however I'd remind her that it was HER husband that persued my wife until she was seduced by HIS promises, making her husband a complete POS too.

I've never put any stock in the "who persued who" nonsense.

Unless rape was involved, both parties wanted it.

It doesn't matter who asks first.

In my stitch, the OW is a mom herself.She told my teenage boys that my WH persued HER!.My point is even if that was true didn't she stop to think that she was puting their father in a bad light? She said it in front of WH as well. It just shows me that she has no brains!! I have been told by someone who had worked with her that she is a flirt and if she had her eyes on my hubbie she would have made a play for him...

I blame them both equally....The fact that the OW is the same age as me and is a mom herself,gives her no excuse for what she did to my family.I would think she had better morals...If she was a 20 -something year old with no children,I would be less angry with her conduct towards my kids.

Yup.

Yes.

Raven (t/j for a spell...every time I see your name "That's so Raven" sings through my head......lol)

I have felt the same way you have. It is hard to see the BH's around here talk about POSOM and not think of my husband. It is very hard. BUT when I think about my anger towards COW (know what THAT stands for???) I EMPATHIZE. I have found that those rantings effected me more during the affair and early on in recovery. Now, it doesn't. Because they are speaking from pain of which I know of.

As far as the preying part, I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I struggled with this as well but I think newly BS'S have to turn to that line of thinking to help them cope. I know I did. But one day we all have to accept that our WS's did what they did no matter WHO was doing the preying. Also, I think a lot of WS like to "spin" the details of how it all started so it doesn't paint them in a bad light. I know that COW'S H had it in his head that my WS did the preying so he could get the "insider" secrets on the industry she was working at... :RollieEyes:. Of course, I have a different opinion.

Anyway, yes, I believe it is part of the BS fog, one that doesn't stay around forever......

I also tend to think that men in general like to hold on to their anger, while us women like to analyze things. We also know intuitively that forgiveness MUST come in order for it not to consume them or cause further damage to the marriage.....

Are far as what to do in regards to the OP, Schoolbus had a fantastic post about that not too long ago....I will try and dig that up....

In my opinion, WH is not a bad person because of this and neither is COW...just very broken people....(now if my HEART can match up with my brain concerning her.... ;))

not2fun

I would actually say my POSWW was more to blame b/c women have more control over the situation. I hope the Former goes along with the WAS. I told my POSWW that I should shoot her and she'd deserve it. She agreed and said she knows she is a POSWW. I place more anger on the OM b/c he acted like my friend and he knew we had kids and that this could destroy a family. I just hope one day he gets what he deserves. My wife has been on the receiving end of much anger that still continues to this day, but I am trying to work through it with her. I don't have to work on it with the OM, I don't have to forgive him, and I could give a $hit what happens to him.

I don't think they do it to cope. I tend to think most people "call 'em like they see 'em".

Being more disgusted with OP than with the WS doesn't mean a measuring off of the blame or responsibility to one side or the other. It just means you view one person's actions as more disgusting than the other's. Granted both parties have achieved a certain baseline of disgusting behavior, by the very fact of the A. But, certainly one or the other can go (or could have gone) farther.

I blame my FWW more. She is the one who made vows to ME. I mean nothign to OM and that's fine because I don;t really know him. But, my FWW vowed to be faithful to me "till death do us part" and she is the on who hurt me.

By the way, she is in total agreement with me and has owned the affair as being her fault entirely. She told me that while OM may have pursued her and taken advantage of her that the decision to have the affair and thus hurt me was entirely her fault.

T/J....

Hey RB...good to see ya around.....hope you are planning on updating us soon. I do think of you and your W often......hope all is well.....

not2fun

I have no problem with seeing my FWH for the POSOM he was. Some times I'd rather he had screwed an unmarried woman though because it bugs me that he could spit on another couples vows and family on top of his own. Other days I'm glad she had a BH to kick her [censored].


LOL

I agree but that can be subjective on what is considered worse. There can always be some way e(ven if the thinking is warped) to rationalize something if we want to.

i wholeheartedly agree

You can add me to that list of telling FWH that if OWH beat the crap out of him or worse...he'd deserve it. He agreed.

What I want to know is would you interceed if BS came to even the score with your WS?

I don't think BH would be looking to [censored] me as my H [censored] his wife so not sure how anything else would "even the score" but I'll admit I'm not sure since BH was/is also a hypocritical cheater himself. A few punches might not be so bad but a free for all...probably not. Although I might have to reconsider if BH brought WW to me.

I wouldn't, except that I have to live with my W.

So, I'd probably break it up, halfheartedly.

I agree. I just tend to take people at their word. If they say they think OP's behavior was more disgusting, I just assume that is what they think, as opposed to thinking they are just saying that in order to cope with things.