I agree with this. As most men know its the woman who 9.9/10 gives the green light its a go. The OM was just bidding his time until my WW finally said ok lets turn this EA into a PA. I doubt there's many OM out there who are having EA turning down sex. I don't get why women either don't see this or can't accept it. I feel like my WW truly believes that even if they didn't have sex the OM still would have treated her the same exact way and given her all the attention she wanted.

Gotcha. Viewing OW as worse than my FWH does help me a tiny bit but I think so because she was/is. She has him beat by a mile in my book anyway.

ITA.

I will further it by saying NOW I detest VD more for her mothering skills and lack thereof than any other reason on earth.

They were both dead wrong.

I don't give a coal miner's black boo-hoo-ba about the A very often anymore...but the Lord knows that when she neglects the children are the days I want to throttle her.

Hurt me - eh...I'm a grown up.

Hurt the kids...you'd better hide your sorry buttocks...

Call me twisted, but I LOLed.

VD?

Her IRL initials.

You can't make this stuff up.

Lol sorry I thought that was a nickname you gave her.

There is plenty of blame to go around. The only (probably quite rare) exception I can see would be a situation in which the OM/OW was single and truly did not know the WS was indeed married. The only realistic scenario where this could play out would be in (Dr. Frank Pittman's terminology here -- Private Lies ) an "accidental infidelity" or "philandering" affair in which the WS (probably WH) has a one-nighter or weekender with someone they just met. One can envision a WH not wearing/taking off his wedding ring in a bar while on a business trip...and lying the OP into the bedroom.

Most A's, especially those that destroy otherwise serviceable marriages, discussed here on MB.com are "romantic affairs" (Dr. Pittman again). In this situation it is EXTREMELY UNLIKELY that the OP does not already know the WS is married. These affairs start slowly as an emotional connection between the WS and an opposite-sex friend/neighbor/co-worker whom the WS has usually known for quite some time in a platonic way. In fact, they commonly begin with the WS sharing personal information about their marital concerns/dissatisfaction with the OP (instead of the BS) who then offers support and understanding and even commiseration (if the OP is also married as is often the case). The 2 affairees then have a powerful bond and shared secret that gets the A rolling.

It also very common for the OP to be someone (married or not) who is expert and adept at luring and preying upon emotionally vulnerable "damsels" or "dumsels" in distress. So, yes the POSOM and POSOW are to blame in almost all cases as is equally the WS who sought them out and allowed them into their heart and mind.

I'm actually reading a book right now called "Too Easy" about this very thing. I would NOT recommend it for newly betrayed BSs, and probably not for most people.

It's a tough read because it gives you a blow-by-blow of the thought processes (and other things) of the main fictional characters of this book-- OW, WH and BS. In this case OW is a first-class (or should I say no-class) manipulator who sets her sights on WH, WH is a bumbling idiot who suffers from the Peter Syndrome when he's around OW, and BS is driving herself insane thinking she's imagining the whole thing.

TWISTED.....

hey Raven,

Does this help give you any AMMO???

Interesting post.....even though according to WS, COW, and COW'S H my WS was to blame because he started the "after-hours calls", SHE was the one who crossed the physical line first.....okay...not revisiting this issue any more today.....

not2fun

I have spoken extensively to the OMW (long story but way too late to make a difference). She has filled me in on many details and timelines that I never knew before (she knew about the A long before I did but was unsuccessful in making contact with me way back then).

I have expressed my heartfelt gratitude to her for telling me what I needed to know--my xWW would NEVER have told (and still won't tell) the "real truth".

We both agree that both or our ex's are POS WS and POS OP at the same time. It doesn't really matter who "pursued" whom--they BOTH in effect pursued each other and they BOTH sold out their marriages and principles equally.

She is NOT responsible for her POS xWH's behavior any more than I am responsible for my POS xWW's behavior. They are both liars, homewreckers, scapegoaters, and morally-bankrupt cowards...

There is NO difference between an EA and a PA in terms of infidelity and abandonement of vows (and one almost always leads to both). They are both painful and both devastating to the BS. Interestingly, male affairees will deceitfully cop to the physical part more readily ("It was just sex; it didn't mean anything") and female affairees will do the opposite ("I fell in love") while implausibly denying any sex took place. [Dr. Pittman's research]

raven,

In my sitch my H was one of many "boyfriends" the Married OW had. Her BH is aware that she has boyfriends. He puts up with it, chooses to do so.

So, is my H an "OM"? I'm not sure. To me, she is the OW, and to her husband, my H is probably another in a long line of OM. Yeah, I guess so.


But he// yes, I hold him COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE for his idiotic decision to have an affair. Is the OW more responsible? No. She has her responsibility, he has his. They are both stupid, both wrong, both culpable, and both owing in the grand scheme of the universe of ethics and morals.



I absolutely do not look at this as "the woman has more power".

That's crap. IMHO.

My husband held the power to keep his pants on. She did not rip them from his body.

My husband held the power to stop himself. He is not an animal.

My husband is not some simpering fool who was seduced by a siren's song.


He is an adult man who is fully capable of knowing right from wrong, and also fully capable of making the right decison and following through with it.

HE CHOSE NOT TO DO SO.

HE CHOSE TO HAVE AN AFFAIR.

HE CHOSE TO DO SOMETHING STUPID AND HURTFUL, AND HE DIDN'T REQUIRE THE DIRECTION OR ADVICE OR HELP OF ANYONE ELSE TO DO IT. HE DID IT ON HIS OWN, WITH HIS BIG-BOY PANTS OFF.

The OW did not force him to do anything he wasn't urgently wanting to do. If he didn't want to do it, he never would have done it. After all, this is the very same man who can readily choose NOT TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH. I am fairly certain he can make bigger decisions on his own.


So as far as getting upset when people bash the OM, nope, I don't get upset. It is what it is. When someone does something immoral, illegal, or just plain dumb,

other people judge them for it.


SB

...and giving the WH or OM a free pass because he is male and presumably can't be expected to turn down sex from a willing female (married or not) who offers it IS CRAP!

I recall an long-past incident when I was engaged to my xWW--we were hanging out with a (cute) friend of hers and ended up crashing at the friend's place after some partying and drinking. My xW (then fiance) fell deeply asleep on the couch and the girl threw herself at me ("Come on...she will never know and you aren't even married yet!")

I roused my fiance and we immediately took a cab home...it CAN BE DONE.

If I didn't know better, I would SWEAR that you were COW'S H.......

not2fun

Ok, I'll bite...I know what OW stands for but what does COW stand for?

Not really. I ultimately hold my H responsible for being a thoughtless moron of biblical proportions. OW could have shaken her [censored] in front of H 24/7...he's still a dog for accepting any invitation or for bidding his time in hopes that she'd eventually drop on all fours.

Well she can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it is the "C" word plus OW.

Thank you...I had a feeling that is what the "C" stood for.

To clarify for NOT2FUN, my ex was and is both a WW and a COW to a WH (they were both married co-adulterers). I have no problem laying the blame at her feet. The WH/OM has now cheated on 3 different xBW's...yes, you read that correctly.

He and my XWW and now married themselves. Basically, my xWW has now voluntarily become the 4th-choice wife of a 5th-rate man. Not only is she a POS, she is also a mind-numbingly stupid one at that. Done venting now...