I do not know how to start, my story is very long so I will tackle the most important part of it, which is the conflict we face in my husband’s career and mine. We have been married for almost 11 years where we started our marriage both as graduate students. I moved to my husband’s State where he lived because of his school’s requirement. I loved him and gave him all the care and support he needed to work on his degree. I was very enthusiastic about his PhD, probably more than he did. Life was not easy on us financially and my husband was between academia and practice to support the family. I helped somehow but with the kids, it was reasonable to stay home to save the daycare expenses. I was able to finish my master degree during the first four years of our marriage while my husband was swinging between his practice and his PhD. He had to move from the state where we lived for a better job and better lifestyle, after some negotiations I moved with him and stopped the PhD I just started, I do not regret it although I was not happy about it in the beginning. I found myself in the state where he moved and I were accepted in another PhD program. I started as part-time to save some expenses and pay more attention to my family; we had one kid at that time. I did my best to save every possible moment and any effort that could be saved so my husband can focus on his career and his degree. I took over my shoulders all the responsibilities so my husband can finish his degree that took him more than the expected. He succeeded on his career but his PhD kept him miserable all the past years until he finished, that was last May, finally, where he started to be happy, livable, and planning for the future.

The major problem started about two years ago when my husband decided to leave town for a better career, we discussed it many times and I failed to convince him to get a better job that he wants in the same city to allow me to finish my PhD, I was on my third year. He insisted to leave claiming that “this is better for him, the market is in a bad shape and he will not be able to get the job he wants in the same city, bottom line he knows what he wants and I do not know much about his profession.” I had no choice so I let him travel to find himself, I asked him to let me stay alone with the two kids to finish the major requirement for my PhD. Hardly he accepted and was supportive in the beginning. In few months, he started to rush me to join him but I asked him for more time. He started to complain to my family that I am not being a good wife and I am not caring about my family ignoring my husband. Later on my husband started to fight with me about our situation threatening me of divorce if I do not join him. Then he tried to convince me to postpone my degree or find away to do it over seas but my profession is unique and I cannot do it somewhere else. Add to this, I have been doing it for over 4 years; I took break in between because my husband forced me to have our second child after same way of threat and fights. At the end, our discussions end up by him threatening me of divorce if I do not move with him. He forced me and I moved for the sake of the kids and because I was left with no options leaving my degree behind. I do not have job or savings to think about leaving him. Since then, our life never got better. I have been suffering from depression, I feel disappointed and I have lost interest in everything; even the kids I stopped giving them much care and attention as I used to. I feel lost, living without a clear target. I thought that after all those years of giving my family especially my husband; this should be my turn to do things I like to do, just like him. He achieved everything he wanted, career and education. I have been trying to get my PhD for many years and it was a big objective of mine, I wanted to finish to move forward, to have the peace of mind taking better care of my family. My husband refuses me taking the kids and go back to finish my degree claming that during his degree and practice he did not get chance to bond with the kids and now it is the right time to do that.

The last two years, our marriage passed through very difficult times of argument and fights that left crack and pain in my heart because of his threat divorcing me. This is his way when he cannot solve a problem between us. Now and after those 11 years of marriage I am in a big confusion, not sure what to do. I have no doubt that he loves me and this is just a threat, but I started to feel unloving to him due to the continuous problems we have been passing through since day one of our marriage while I was always patient. I feel unsecured, I want to find myself and make myself happy, too. I did all I can do to make him happy. I believe it is the right time for me to do what I want, I am growing older and with time I might loose hope and interest and cannot accomplish my objectives. I do not know if I am wrong, but does mom has to sacrifice all the way for the family. What options we might not be seeing to solve this conflict?

Hi LoveHope,
I just joined Marriage Builders online tonight, and feel silly for not reading posts prior to posting my own story - which seems very similar to yours. I wish I did have some advice; I'm waiting for some as well. If you still love your husband and you know he loves you, then there has just got to be a solution! I'm very new to this whole marriage thing, but I do know it's never healthy for one spouse to make all the sacrifices while the other gets everything they want and never 'gives back'; our trouble might be making our husbands SEE IT THAT WAY, because they probably don't understand what we go through as women, as wives, who by nature, it seems, sacrifice everything for our families/spouses. Men don't have that same instinct, at least in my experience. Don't lose hope. And know that you are not alone.

Thank you for your reply. I believe in what you say, however, I am very depressed finding myself with no better career, still midway, cannot withdraw and do not know how to continue.

My husband is the kind that when he wants something he must get it, if I object with him he forces me to get what he wants. I supported him all those years with love believing in him and this is how he got there, I guess. He has everything he might wish for, still wants to keep going careless or "unbelieving" about my career. I had a promising career before I got married and I was very active but I gave him the priority to pursue his own first and took over my shoulders all the family responsibilities to make it easy for him. Now all I do is to feel down and sorry for myself. He does not listen to me when he does not want to, while he complains if I do not.

I have been thinking if I am selfish as he says thinking about my own career and not thinking for the family. My kids are growing and I feel tighter with time to do any of what I want. This is how I see that this is the right time for me to do it.