I just found the intel that my W is cheating the OM was someone I considered a freind and confided in through out the seperation from my W. I know it takes 2 but I love her more then anything and all I want to do is work on it I know we can get passed it. About the OM I dont owe him anything but an asswhippin and the fact is he had the nerve to tell me that I was crossing the line by calling him a two faced SOB. So I quickly told him I would draw a line for him to cross if he was man enough. Somebody please help me before I do something really stupid. They both after the initial confrontation still tried to lie to me.

Why not post your topic on General Questions? You'll get more traffic there.

Have you read the material on this site? Also read Surving an Affair, and His Needs Her Needs. Read Lovebusters.
Once you have evidence of an A, expose to family, friends, their jobs, etc. Expose to OM's wife and job. OM should be out of your life. Do not get into an altercation with him, it won't help and could further alienate your wife as well as land you an arrest.
After exposure, your wife will be mad, but she will get over it. Understand that there is nothing you are going through that the rest of us haven't. Know that WS lie and continue to lie, and their A is an addiction that takes time to break...until then they are in a fog, do not behave like themselves, and speak fog babble.
Read this person's thread, what he went through, how he handled it:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2131553&fpart=1
You will need your wife to agree to NC...that means she write OM a letter and YOU mail it to him. Without NC, you will not go into recovery.
Then read about Plan A and go into it. Keep coming here...read, read, read, there is much good material here. Listen to the veterans, they will help you through this. There IS a plan for tackling this, please follow it so the results can happen.

And...I'm terribly sorry you have to be here. I know it hurts, but there is a good chance you can recover your marriage.

So sorry you find yourself here but welcome to MB. Try your best to remain calm. The experienced folks here can help you through this...

The best advice I can think to give you right now is to read up on as much as you can here and get your Plan A act together pronto. Having a PLAN will help get you through this mess. Please do not let your emotions and your WW's words and actions dictate your next move!

As far as the reading, here's two good places to start...
1) For Newly Betrayed Spouses: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680
2) Pepperband's Carrot and Stick thread:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1640788&fpart=1

You mentioned seperation. Your WS likely pushed for this so that she could have more "space" to continue her A. Did she move out?

Hang in there.

ETA: Who have you exposed to? Is OM married?

Cowboy's other threads:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=153173&Number=2132816#Post2132816
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=153206&Number=2133433#Post2133433

1. Don't tell your wife what you know or how you know it.
2. Make a list of everyone who has influence over your W and OM to help end the affair. This includes her parents, your parents, OM's wife, children if they're adults. How did WW and OM meet? If at work, include employers in the list. I noticed you're in the military - if OM is also in the military, then put his superiors and the base chaplain on the list.
3. EXPOSE. This is not a blame game, it's not recruiting folks to "be on your side." It's simply shedding light on the affair. Affairs are delicious and other-worldly when they're secret. When exposed to the light of day they become uncomfortable and stressed. Exposure only needs to be a brief message: "WW is having an A with OM. I'm committed to becoming a better husband and building a strong M with WW. Please support my WW, our marriage, and myself as we work through these troubles."
4. What are your WW's top ENs?
5. Read up on LBs and eliminate them. You seem to have a propensity for angry outbursts. Go to anger management counseling if you need to. Whatever you do, get those LBs under control NOW.

From one of your other threads:
But its like today was her day to stay with the kids and I have to find somewhere to stay.
You absolutely positively do NOT put one foot outside the marital home. If she wants to abandon the family, let her. But YOU stay there for the kids.

Besides, what on earth are you thinking? You're making it easy for her to have her affair and still enjoy all the perks of being a mom and enjoy the marital home without having to face you (and her guilt).

Don't spend another night outside the home.

When are you going to be deployed for six months?
Where will the kids live then?

Sorry Its been a long time since I've been able to get on here. Alot has happened since my last post but nothing in the relationship has changed. We are still getting a divorce and I have tried like hell to stop it with little luck. The only problem now is that I cant stop fighting with her everytime we are being cival something happens And that drives me crazy and then I cant stop the little remarks about any little thing I can think of. It's a talent or a curse that I can be real quick witted with snappy remarks that can crush someone. Alot of what I say is the truth and as we all know the truth hurts. Any suggestions would great seeings how deep down I would love to fix my marriage but the way its going now Im pushing her further away. I've tried to do all the things yall talk about but they havn't worked. They still talk and I have told OM's W and it still goes on. She did agree to go to joint counseling but made it vary clear it was not marriage counseling but so we can learn to live together without bringing the kids in the middle. She still leaves the house every night and stays at a friends house but gets pissed off when I remotley question what goes on. I dont have a clue what her EN are she is not the same person I fell in love with.

I know that must be frustrating and creating a lot of anger toward yourself which can make your anger toward the situation even worse.

Have you read about Love Busters? Have you read about the Love Bank? Understanding those two things might help your relationship. Do you know what her Emotional Needs are? That might help, also.