Hello a unique situation for me but I’m sure many of the regulars will have heard it all before…..

Nearly four years ago I moved two hundred miles away from my home and most of my family for a fresh start after a bad life and an abusive relationship, I had to move this far to get away from my ex. I got a new job and new friends and finally started having a normal life and some fun. From the first time I met my boss at my interview I was attracted to him and I was pretty sure the feeling was mutual after a few weeks we started having a secret relationship. We were both single but were both told if we were ever found out to be having a relationship we would be sacked. Once he told me he loved me a few months later we both decided we should look for new jobs as it was not fair for just one of us to leave and start again.

I found a new job first so left and he carried on looking. From the beginning I was using contraception but he told me he’d had a vasectomy after he’d got a girl pregnant by accident, resulting in my stepson who’s 3 now, I still stayed careful any way but when my pill ran out over Christmas I wasn’t too worried.

We’d been arguing because I felt something was wrong, I thought he was being distant and it resulted in us splitting up on Christmas day. We couldn’t stay apart though and had a romantic reunion on new years eve. 11 days later I found out why he was being distant when I was told a girl we’d both worked with was telling everyone he was the father of her unborn child and she was 4 months pregnant. He admitted to a one night stand with her when we’d been together for 3 months, three weeks after he’d told me he loved me, two weeks since I’d left my job for him and the week I started my new job.
I was mortified and so betrayed, I’d moved to have a better life and ended up with this.

As I knew the girl and knew she’d been regularly sleeping with 3 other people around this time I gave him the benefit of the doubt and we decided to at least try and work things out– big point being he lied about his vasectomy – it soon became apparent I was also pregnant. I’d had no choice in when I had my first child because he lied. After my life this was a situation I never ever wanted for my child. My partner was so sorry and I decided he could have a second chance, we then got confirmation that his 1st child, the reason he lied about the vasectomy, was 100% his and we started having access. So in a period of two months I found out he’d cheated, lied, possibly got someone else pregnant and now he definitely had a son. I had to cope with being pregnant for the first time and look after a 2yr old little boy – good job I’m one of 10.

I worked in the area where the girl lived and had to see her bump growing as mine did and it almost killed me, I’d cry myself to sleep most nights. One day I might have to explain to my baby that daddy cheated and they had another sibling, I couldn’t lie because in my family lies always come out and cause huge damage.

Through out this whole process my mother in law never spoke to me because she thought I’d got pregnant to trap her son – ha ha oh the irony– and she didn’t want me involved in her new grandsons life. It was a pretty miserable time. So we got a house and started being proper grown ups to give our child and his son the best we could. My daughter was born and has made us both the happiest people alive, unfortunately a DNA test proved the child from the one night stand was his.

But I still can’t move on. Because he never has told me why he did it, he can’t remember, he says it was just a stupid mistake, he wasn’t thinking – both of us had joked before all this happened about how awful this girl was and a bit desperate and how we don’t know how anyone got her pregnant in the first place, she already had an 11 month old with no father around when this happened – he says it made him realise how much he loves me and that he doesn’t want to lose me etc all the usual stuff. But he can never tell me why. Our daughter is now 2 years old, I’ve been in his sons life for over 2 years now, and we’ve just had our second child together. When I was 35 weeks pregnant I guessed the password to the other woman’s facebook account and from old emails discovered it hadn’t been a one night stand, it ha been twice, two weeks apart. To me that is no longer classed as a spur of the moment mistake, twice meant at least once was planned and premeditated. Basically he lied to me for 3years. He said he didn’t want to hurt me but it means that we haven’t even got a single day where our relationship was genuine and honest. We still argue as I can’t move on. I love him he’s a fantastic father and a fantastic partner but I hate that our foundations are lies and that he doesn’t know why he did it or why he even chose to do it with that particular girl.

I’m sorry it’s such a long post and I don’t mind if its never read or replied to but I’ve had to keep this all in so long I had to get it out, it was eating me up inside. I don’t know what to do anymore, I just don’t want my children to grow up away from a father who loves them like I had to but I can never forget what’s happened. I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do.

We don’t have contact with the other child…..the mum likes to use men to impregnate her but doesn’t want them involved after – which although unfair to the child it suits me just fine (then you get started on the issues over how my husband can walk away from his own flesh and blood and not care when he’s a fantastic father to our children and his eldest son)

Any way thanks for listening/reading

L xx

Welcome.

You ARE NOT alone.

Hello! Sorry to find you here. But there's a lot of great women with lots of good advice.

Are you married to him, or just living together? You can't get mad at him about his son before he met you, but I don't understand why you are taking care of his little boy.

It's devastating to learn they have cheated on you, then to find out there's a child is like a double slap in the face.

I don't understand why he would lie to YOU about having a vasectomy, maybe he told the OW that because he didn't want to wear a condom.

I too have a mother-in-law who is a bit*h on wheels! Luckily they live 1200 miles away. What's her problem with you and your H son?

Sorry to hear it wasn't a one night stand, but at least it wasn't a long term affair.

My advice-for your own sanity. No more snooping. If you're looking for something, you're probably going to find it.

Things must be ok between you two if you've just had another baby together.

It's good that you don't have C with OC. Is his first son from before he met you still in you're life?

I would suggest counseling, either together or alone to get over your trust issues.........and he's given you plenty of reasons not to trust him.

You have a choice to make, and I gave myself the same ultimatum.........either you forgive and learn to live with it and get over it, or you leave. It's easier said than done I know.

You said he a "fantastic father" that may be true. But to say he's a "fantastic partner" is stretching it a bit, don't you think.

You said he's been lying for 3 years, that doesn't make for a good partner. I'm not judgeing.........my H is a lying,cheating sh*thead! Iknow the pain of mistrust and humiliation. I live with it everyday. I don't brood over it, and it's not healthy to be angry all the time.

You said you were stuck. You don't have to be if you don't want to be. You do have options.

Its all complicated but then I guess it always is for most people. I'm married to him, we got married 6months ago. At that point and when we started trying for another baby we'd worked through most of it...its only all kicked off again since I discovered he'd slept with her more than once and he'd continued to lie to me. The week before our wedding we sat down and had a heart to heart and our marriage was supposed to symbolise a totally fresh start with complete honesty and trust from there onwards. Its part of the reason i'm so angry about it, i'm from a broken home and my husband knows that I would only marry if I thought it was for life and would only ever get married once.

I'm not mad about his son before we met, it was a shock for both of us when we found out the child was his, the child was 2years old already and literally the day after the results came in she dumped her son on us for a weekend - poor kid was terrified. Thats why i look after him alot because his mum never wants him but won't let us have him full time. I don't understand why H would lie about a vasectomy either, he said it just came out. He never said anything to the OW about it he just hopped on without apparently engaging his brain at all.

The MIL only had one female grandchild so this was the first male grandchild and she got a bit obsessive, H never really being involved with children before this was overwhelmed so MIL kind of took over and saw me as someone to challange her for the boys affection - she's nuts. Weird thing is although we never knew of stepson he was born same month, day, year and hospital as my brother in laws daughter.

Stepson has started school so we no longer have him whenever his mum wants but we have him every holiday as we live a 4hour drive away.

As i mentioned before i came from a broken home and don't want that for my children, i'd already told him i'd stay with him after i'd found out he'd cheated so why he couldn't be honest about the details is beyond me. OW got pregnant the first time she slept with him, stepsons mum also got pregnant the first time she slept with him - I think H is too scared to risk cheating again.

By fantastic partner I mean he helps with the children, cleans, cooks, works to support us and he is my best friend...so i'd lose my partner, friend and lover and my children would lose their father if he left, thats a big gap.

I made him tell his parents about the OC as they have lived in the same place all their lives and are listed in the phone book and the OW knows this, so didn't want to risk them ever findig out from someone else. I keep tabs on the OW and OC, contact details - that kind of thing, just so we don't get any nasty surprises. I saw photos of the child the other day and he looked like my daughter which i knew was a possibility but was shocking to see.

It sounds stupid but i'm embarassed by it all, i'd be embarassed to split up because then it would mean I was a fool to make a huge mistake like that by getting involved with someone who could do all that to me. My son isn't even 3 weeks old ad i'd feel guilty depriving him of his father.

I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enermy.

Thank you for your reply

Welcome. I strongly recommend you get some of Dr. Harley's books and start reading them together. There is even a workbook to go with "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Busters" that would be great for you. The part about openess and honest and protecting your marriage would be vital for your now H to read. It is not protecting you but protecting himself that led him to lie. Unfortunately he set you back to the time of the betrayal by withholding the truth.

YOU ARE SO NOT ALONE....

And this is the most wonderful safe place that can help you heal, plan and walk through this as you choose.

Welcome to MB....

We are sorry you are here, but please know YOU ARE NOT ALONE

Wow! It seems a lot more complicated then what you originally wrote.

Firt........Congtats on the baby! I didn't realize he was just born. How awful to go through such turmoil when it should have been a time of pure joy being pregnant (minus the hemoriods, heartburn, puking and stretch marks LOL!)

I give you a lot of credit for caring for your stepson. I told H that if he was willing to work on the marriage, that I would accept OC into my home for visitation, but that I wanted to be there for any pick up or drop offs. He was fine with that.

Then I called her............she told H I was acting like a psycho. NOT TRUE-Swear to GOD I was polite, calm, didn't call names..........she's the one who was snotty!

H is upset that he can't see OC. I, Like you understand that he doesn't want to walk away from his child. I told him that she was just as much his child as OW. I said he should file for joint custody, if he wants to see her that bad. I doubt he will.

He talks the talk, but rarely walks the walk.

I too am embarassed. EVERONE at his work and several other people in other offices knew about the baby.

About a month ago we went on a day trip with some people from his office and their wives. They were very nice, but all I could think of was that they knew, and now they know I know. ANd what kind of a fool am I for staying with him?

Sometimes I hate him. But at this point in time, I'm so burned out, I really don't care anymore. He could walk out the door tomorrow and I would be fine. He'd have to pay me so much CS and alimony based on his income that I don't even know how he could live. I really don't want a divorce, I'm just saying I could handle it if it happened.

This is a giant mess that he created, and he's going to have to clean it up himself.

The OW always has their own version of things that funny enough never matches what happens in reality. I feel lucky we don't have anything to do with OW or OC but i'm the one who feels more guilty about the OC. It must be the effect of being a mother myself, i'd be heartbroken if I'd got myself/my child into a situation like that (I know some people don't have a choice.

You are a very strong person to 'stick it out' we moved away from the area, it wasn't a hardship though as we moved closer to all my family who lived miles and miles away.

Are men actually capable of cleaning up their mess themselves ha ha

L x

Well my sista you are not alone and certainly not stuck. We always have options. I am also dealing with an OC, and I am finding that it is not as hard as I thought it would be. Follow your heart and stay in prayer.

The ladies here have helped me out alot. I got the news of the OC in October and things have been crazy ever since. Surprisely it is getting easier by the day. I doubt the feelings will ever completely go away but I have chosen to forgive him and move on.


I wish you the best and hope that you take care of yourself

I really don't have any choice right now accept to "stick it out"

Moving away is not an option. H has a very good job here, and with the economy the way it is, I think selling our house would almost be impossible. I have 4 children to consider also. I don't want to take my daughter (oldest-16) away from everything, We pay quite a bit of money to have her in private school. She just got her report card yesterday.......97 average! I'm very proud. My family is here, and I don't think our Nanny would be willing to move away with us.

WIth Obama going to be in office soon, we won't be getting anymore tax breaks. Which I am fine with. I voted for him.

I have been to a lawyer, and the amount he would have to pay in CS and alimony based on his salary, would be a complete devistation to his lifestyle, not that I even care. I am just taking it day by day right now. It's all I can really do at this point.