Afternoon friends!

I'm venting here, so please bear with me. I had mentioned in an earlier post that I have just been appointed as an interim alderman for my city last week, tonight is the huge swearing in ceremony, and then I'm finishing the week with a whirlwind of city functions! I mentioned this is in a post directed at Booka, because he is also an alderman, and I was picking his brain for info on how to be successful.

Well, in the last week since this all happened, my BF has been incredibly distant, never asking me how I'm doing, I begrudgingly got a "congratulations" ONCE.......he's just not showing me that he's excited for me, as a matter of fact, he's acting as though he could be a tad bit jealous.....but that's my interpretation.

Anyway, tonight is the ceremony. My elderly mother will be there, as will my father, some neighbors and friends, etc. It's a big deal for me. Talked to BF today, and not a mention of tonight's activities - he just went on and on about HIM! Then, as the conversation drew to a close, he made sure to let me know that he has football practice tonight! (he's a coach for a youth team that is in the final championship this weekend). I actually found myself dumbstruck - I couldn't say anything! couldn't express my disappointment, nothing........I hung up in disbelief.

I had mentioned that he and I had some EN issues in the past, and apparently, they still exist. I am fiercely independent, however, if I'm going to be invested in any kind of relationship, it should bring value added to my life - not cause me disappointment! We should be mutually supportive of each other and our accomplishments! One of the things he says that he "loves" about me is my independence, my strength, my determination and ambition, blah, blah.......funny, seems like just the opposite......

So, this is what I decided - right or wrong. I will NOT mention tonight to him if I happen to hear from him again today (not likely) and I SWEAR, if he has chosen to totally disregard MY accomplishment, not attend the ceremony, and totally disregard it as unimportant to HIM - well, it's over............and I mean it.......

Thanks for listening to my rant - I am ready for any and all input.....

Laura

I see big red flags. True, he is a youth coach and the championship is coming up, so practice is very important.

However, your BF reminds me of my ex. It was not just my imagination, he seemed to be jealous of any of my small accomplishments. And this happened over and over. He would give lip service, but it was extremely odd.

At first I thought I was imagining it, but it proved to be true many times. I got to the point where I wouldn't let him know of any success that I had, because in truth, he was not happy for me.

I think you have a good idea. Don't mention it again and see if he makes any effort at all to support your success.

I see big red flags. True, he is a youth coach and the championship is coming up, so practice is very important.

Absolutely, I know that this is important to him - however, there are FOUR coaches for his team, I think if he wanted to, it would be totally acceptable to either: skip tonight's practice, or slip out a little bit early to get to city hall for my ceremony.

So, in my opinion, the practice is not a valid excuse to miss tonight entirely....

Oh, I forgot to mention that I sat in the stands in 20 degree, sleet and rain and wind last Saturday morning, freezing my buns off to watch his playoff game - and I have no children in the program - I sat there to support HIM!

I agree with you 100%.

Have you ever talked to him about needing support for your accomplishments?

Believer -

Nope, never discussed it - as I really and truly don't need any type of validation usually. I'm a pretty diddly-darn self-confident woman, and my own sense of accomplishment is usually enough....however, I still am a mushy woman sometimes, and it sure would be nice to get the big hug of support from your relationship partner......

So, I will go through tonight, and then this issue will have to be addressed. But, tonight is not the night, as it's all about ME today.......

Thanks for your thoughts - it really helps to hear another's perspective.

Laura

It is good to be self reliant and not need his approval. But I do think you need to speak to him about it.

I never did talk to my ex about it, it just seemed like something he should know. The thing for me was that he was jealous of anything I did. How can you love someone and not want the best for them?

Anyway, enjoy your success, and I truly hope that BF will step up to the plate.

Laura,

First of all, congratulations, I know what this moment will mean for you as I know what it meant for me. It is a very important moment and while I'm clearly biased I would say in general that it is way more important than some football practice.

I feel strongly that your BF has some insecurity issues that impede his ability to accept and enjoy your success. If you should continue your political career, wouldn't it be nice to have a partner that stands by you, can support you when you need it, can enjoy your success just as you enjoy his, and is not jealous and insecure when you have your moments in the spotlight but can instead express his appreciation and admiration of you in those moments. That's what a partnership is about. Isn't that what you would want?

Dutch

While I agree that it seems extremely insensitive of him to not be there, I want to warn you about what you said above. It seems to me like you are giving him a secret test, which means you are setting him up for failure. It sounds somewhat manipulative.

Let me ask you, have you actually asked him to come tonight to the event? If you have, then you have done your due dilligence, and I suppose that if he chooses his practice over your event, then you have your answer. But, if you have not made it clear how important this is to you, and told him you'd like him to come, then you are being unfair by expecting something that he may not be aware of. Just a thought.

Lemme give you an example. My GF told me that her 2 yo nephew is having a birthday party, and asked me if I want to come (she is going to it). Well, I don't know the child very well, and with all the driving, it'd be a half day event. Not a big deal in general, but I have been incredibly swamped for weeks, and with Thanksgiving coming up (which I am hosting), the last thing I want to do is spend half a day driving around. So I asked my GF if I can take that opportunity to do a bunch of my tasks here, while she went to the party. She said that it is perfectly fine, so that is settled. But I would hate to find out that deep down inside she is holding some grudge that I should have known that it's important to her that I go, blah blah blah. I know she is not like that, and I don't think you are either, but my ex was the queen of that (agreeing to things while holding a grudge), and I am very sensitive to this.

Anyway, just keeping you honest - make sure that he knows how important this is to you, before setting him up for failure out of ignorance .

AGG

I will concur with AGG and would mention that my previous post was predicated on the idea that you have effectively communicated to BF both the occasion and its importance to you. If you have, and he elects for the football practice, then I stand by what I said.

I've said before, we can never assume that someone else knows what we want. Men are generally not intuitive about those things and I've known some women who were the same way. Some people are just plain too self-centered to pickup on your signals and hints. Direct communication is the most effective route is both parties can both effectively deliver and receive it, which is not true of all relationships.

Thanks Booka - I'm incredibly excited for tonight, while at the same time a little bit nervous. I am to extend an invitation to my new constituents for a ward social to be held and hosted by me on November 22nd, and as I had mentioned before, haven't had time to take that public speaking class that I'd like to. I'm great mono on mono, but in a huge group, while being televised, kinda gives me the shivers....

AGG - Yes, he has been invited to this event tonight, and as of last week, he was going to attend. He seemed to be somewhat excited the day I was appointed, but his excitement has waned considerably, into what I feel borders on disinterest at this point. He was the first person I shared the news with, even before my parents. I really feel that he's jealous of the attention I'm getting.

On Saturday, his football team won to advance to the championships. From that moment on, his football has dwarfed my aldermanship, and every conversation is about HIS stuff - nary a mention of mine.

And then this morning, he throws the "I've got practice tonight" at me. Didn't even mention the ceremony at all, and to be raw and honest, I was so dumbstruck that I didn't know what to say. That's when I decided that I was not going to remind him.......

So, can you guys really think that he's just a "guy" and forgot? How could he forget? If he did forget, then I'm horribly disappointed.

And yes, Booka, I really want a partner that SHARES goals, dreams and aspirations with each other, and is supportive. Nothing less will do.

I'll let you all know how it turns out. I'm leaving now, driving there alone.....

Laura

Laura

Well, that is different. This is not just a "guy" thing, IMO. I think you are right to be pissed.

My only suggestion would have been to have reminded him of the event the minute he started talking too much about his football thing, but that is water under the bridge at this point.

I dunno Laura, it's hard to say what's in his head, but I agree that it does not look right. I just wish you had a serious talk with him about it, instead of letting it build up and now talking about breaking off this (what? 2-3 year?) relationship without a warning.

AGG

So how did it go?

AGG

AGG - Thanks for asking.

The Ceremony went really well. You could hardly see me knees knocking on TV.

The BF did show up - albiet late. So, I guess I'm happy. He came right from football practice, a little disheveled, but he did show up.

I guess my feelings are just a little bruised, as I was really hoping that he would be a little more enthusiastic about it all. Those darn expectations.........

Well, it's good that he showed up, but it does not sound like his actions and attitude met your expectations. Hopefully you will be able to discuss this with him, since it is bound to come up again sooner or later, huh?

AGG

Why don't you just tell him how you feel? "Hey, I was really disappointed with the lack of feedback I got from you regarding my new position. Is it a problem for you? I was even worried that you weren't going to show up for the ceremony."

I will discuss it with him - but trust me when I say that I haven't had time. This week socially is brutal, out every night on a city obligation - and I have that darn 9 to 5 job every day.

I will have the discussion - this weekend, after all of these obligations are over, and his big championship is either won or lost.

Laura