Just venting, but im 34 married with 3year old kid, Going on the 2nd kid. Been ,mongering for a while! Im a bouncer at a club at night and a personal trainer day time, Im constantly around women. I dont consisder myself 10 maybe a 7 or 8. I ve read a lot of the posts here and try to take some pointers. I just dont, how to say NO to these girls. When is enough , when do u stop? I thought that at my age i would feel content enough with what i have but i guess not, i feel like i want to travel and stay out later with these girls but feel like i have to report back to my wife. I guess i
ANY POInters, is it normal to feel this way?

I wish there was a life guide that i should follow and do so i would do things the right way.
Sometimes i still feel lilke im in my twenties. All my friends are in their twenties, They are not married some have kids etc.

Is it normal to feel like this at 34. I cant even help looking at other girls when im with my wife. Or when im on my bike i take a look at girls that cross the strret and whistle to them.

Almost got caught with these girls at the club one time because my wifes friends came in the club and told the wife i was with some girls in the private rooms.
The wife now has no trust in me and is always asking me what time im coming home , calling every hour to see if im at the club working?

I dont know what to do anymore, some people say its healthy to have some one on the side, because it keeps the marriage healthy????
Please some feedback!

Uh,,,NO!

Quit making excuses for devastating the one person in your life you're supposed to love and protect.

Let me guess - now that the kids are here, you don't get that much time with the wife, right? Bedroom time has dropped off, she's tired all the time, you're feeling neglected?

You want to know the solution?

Start helping your wife take care of the kids and the house. One, it would give her some mental breaktime so that you look pretty good to her for helping (though it's half your duty anyway), and two, it would free up some of her time so that bedroom time isn't seen as just one more thing to fit into her schedule.

Is this post for real? :RollieEyes:

thanks for the responses, and yes this is real, but you guys are saying that the only way to have alone time with the wife is to do chores?

Try His Needs, Her Needs and Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Dr. Harley.

It is not healthy and morally reprehensible. Betrayed spouses have committed suicide, killed their spouses, and even killed their children. Other than the bad physical things that can happen, think about your children. What kind of Dad do you want to be? What kind of role model do you want to be? Do you want your children growing up hating you b/c you are always fooling around on their mother? Grow up and take control of your life. Be a man and honor your vows and the sacrament of marriage.

acutally a life guide would be the bible and a marrige guide would be what i listed above.

thanks hurt and shocked. Can u give me a basic of what the book outlines?
I want to buy it the problem is reading it , dont want to show that im reading it in front of the wife?

Dave, I don't see this as a "mid life crisis," but a matter of manliness and maturity. Real men have self control and dignity, they don't give into every foolish feeling that crosses their mind.

I don't think you have grown up yet enough to be married. You belong with the boys who hang out in bars and chase skirt. Chasing skirt at your age is really cheesy and most men have the character and self control to grow out of it; you haven't.

And that is fine, some men just never grow into men, no matter how old. My father was one, and he was married and divorced 8 times. He never should been married. Some folks are like that.

My suggestion would is to be honest with your wife and if you won't grow up and knock it off, then let her free to go find a real man. This is really cheesy to read coming from a 34 yr old man.

Just for grins, please tell me exactly what you actually do at your house?

Since you don't understand, what I said is that you have to value your wife. You have to respect all the work she does to keep you in a clean home, fed, dressed, and supposedly respectable. You respect her by saying "Wow, I bet you're tired after all the work you do. I think that's sexy. Why don't you sit on the couch and watch some tv while I make dinner? You deserve a rest."

Do you have any idea how much that would make her love you, want to please you, be crazy about pleasing YOU.

yeah i guess i should grow up, but the line of work i do it makes it impossible.
I guess i want the whole pie but i know i cant. I love my wife , i feel like there is no other like her, i dont want to loose her, i want to grow old with her. I guess i would to fool around on the side only! Maybe i was too young when i got married maybe i didnt have enough experiences in the past, i was never a popular guy in school, nor a ladies man. as soon as i stated doing doing this type of work things changed? Also i look younger then i look, i feel more comfortable with people in their 20's not 35-40 suit and tie guys that i run into in my kids PTA meeting/or karate for kids practice. I feel like i dont have anything in common with them, What am i going to say hey you should go to the club i work at ill comp you so u can see the pieces of [censored] there in front of his wife NO! I dont know maybe i am a kid i dont know i didnt feel like this when i first got married, This happened right after our firstt child.


What do i do when i get home im too tired to clean or do CHORES. I work all day/night, i barly get to see my kids. The last thing i want to do is do chores??

INEED HELP, Should i see a therapist???

How about starting with a grown up job that complements your marriage, instead of harms it? Feelings follow actions, and if you start CHOOSING TO BEHAVE in MANLY WAYS, your feelings will follow. Get a real job, stop hanging out with punk kids and start acting like husband and father.

You don't need therapy, you need to stop acting silly and unmanly.


Do you feel like you took second place when your child was born?

I am not sure about the chore thing, that wouldn't work for me. I don't want my H doing stuff in our house. I much rather he do repairs and stay out in the garage.

Hello mate,

Thanks for coming to post here. I am 32 also and used to think a lot like you. I am a good looking man and 6'4" tall with broad shoulders but had a very low self image as a child and teenager. Girls loved me but I was too scared to do anything about it.

I lost my virginity at 21 and have only been with 4 women in my life. I used to think that I should have fooled around more, and during my marriage I have often fantasised about playing around with other girls. When I turned from being a boy into a man, and my confidence grew - women would just love hanging out with me. I thought nothing of it at the time and never developed EAs or PAs even though tempted because I valued my marriage vows too much.

I also work a sales job in a high pressure industry where booze and cocaine use is accepted and encouraged.

What changed? My anger and selfishness got the better of me last year and I love-busted my wife into oblivion. Being the conflict avoider that she is she made a bad decision and had an affair - even moving in with OM.

Believe me - these fantasies and conquests are not worth it. If your wife left you your entire world would crumble in a matter of days.

All of a sudden that skirt would seem utterly worthless. Fantasy is so different from reality. Please don't ever do anything that threatens your marriage - the hurt it will inflict on your wife will be very very severe

GH31

Do you wear your wedding ring when you work? Why not?

How about this. Keep your trainer job, and start taking night classes at your community college. Get an Associates degree in something you like to do, and change careers. I promise you, whatever you change to will pay more than your two jobs combined, and then you can start living like a regular person.

Ask your wife to help you economically while you get this degree. Even with a baby, there are things she can do to earn money, like watch someone else's child in your home.

As for chores, even if you just start taking out the trash, or clean out a cabinet, or little things like that, if your wife sees you making an effort, you will deposit big time in her Love Bank, and she'll be more eager to satisfy you in the SF department, because she'll like you more.

And as for too tired...how do you think your wife feels? She's a 24/7 mother and wife and housekeeper and pregnant (!), and has to take care of everything herself! Is it any wonder she's not motivated?

Start taking care of your wife, or she'll be the one getting tired of YOU.

No, nothing is impossible. I would say nothing is wrong with looking if it reminds you how lucky you are to have your wife. Thinking you want some on the side is where the problem is. The some on the side will eventually rip your family apart.


If you do then get the books. Tell her you are reading to better your marriage. That you just want to try to make her happy because that will make you happy. If you don't want to make her happy, she needs to move on.

GH31- you got me . Thats exactly the way i feel. The wife already thinks that im with someone else. Some times i feel like its a matter of time. I have to change.
Or is it maybe that we both want to end the relationship, because she just doesnt stop accusing me of stuff. She threathen us with divorce?? Our families are Italians and thats forbbiden?

Why would she think that Dave? Has she always accused you of having someone else?

Wow. I did not know that a job could have such control over an individual. You have got to be kidding, right? I have heard 12 year olds with better excuses than this.



It is not about experiences it is about attitude. If you want to grow old with her then you need to make some radical changes, cause once she realizes what kind of attitudes and behaviors you are exhibiting I suggest you would be out on your ear.


From your observation I would suggest that you probably do feel more comfortable with a much younger crowd, because that is where you are at. Perhaps this might act as a directional marker for you to say "Hmmmmmmm, maybe its time to make some changes so my thinking catches up with my physical age".

This type of behavior may have been cute when you were a teenager but I understand you now have children of your own. What kind of example do you want your children to follow? Perhaps it is time to start to behave in an age appropriate manner, and there is a possibility your attitudes may follow.

Quit your current job. Get a real career. You are not getting any younger and lets face it 60 year old bouncers are not in high demand.

Good luck on your transition.

well she had found some correspondence, an highly suspects that i still have something to do with this woman. Every morning whenn she wakes up she inspects with to see if ive been with another woman. It sucks to feel like this every day it feels like it never stops. How can i start over again with her?

First off, I second the sentiments that you definitely need to grow up. You are focused on how hard it is for YOU for your wife to be checking up on you. Get real. What do you think that YOU are doing to her? She has gotten reports of you in the private rooms at your club with other women. She has seen inappropriate correspondence between you and another woman.

You have threatened your marriage and made her feel terribly insecure at a time (pregnant) when she is probably feeling most vulnerable and dependent. She is almost certainly acting the way she is because she is afraid and you are the cause of that fear. If there is a hell, I trust there is a special area reserved for men who step out on their pregnant wives. The problem is not that she is being unreasonable in checking up on you. The problem is that you are VIOLATING the trust your marriage is built on and justifying it with pathetic teenager excuses.

As far as reading the books goes, why on earth would you not want your wife to see you reading them? They aren't divorce books. They are books designed to help you build a strong marriage. She would probably be ecstatic! Quite frankly, you should be reading them together and discussing/implementing the concepts.

None of this is meant to be insulting, but you clearly need a smack upside the head to break you of some habits that will only take you to divorce court. Then you'll just be the old guy in the club.

Cliff notes:
1. Stop acting like a horny teenager
2. Quit your job as a bouncer and find something safer for your marriage. You are damaging your marriage by being around those younger women.
3. Start treating your wife with respect.