My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years. We had a very rocky start by both leaving previous relationships for each other. He was arrested at one point during this rocky start and was facing 2 years in jail, not for drugs or murder or anything like that, unimportant to the story anyways, about 2 days after that I was out having a drink with a girlfriend and then we had more drinks and we ended up going to one of her guy friends' houses and got in the hottub. I messed around sexually with the other guys for around 6 minutes or so and then we stopped. The next week or so I bailed my husband out of jail and he moved in with me. I didnt tell him about the "incident" until about 1 1/2 months later. At that point in my life I was on a self-destructive rollercoaster filled with pain, regret self-esteem issues and confusion. I didnt care what i did at that moment I was just happy to be out of reality. I thought he was going to be gone for 2 years and that I may not see him again, or at least for a long time. So anyways, I told him because I wanted him to know the truth before we got married, we were married about 4 months later and ever since then we have been successfully married. No cheating/infidelity or committment issues as far as I know. I feel I have done everything I can to make up for this so to speak. To re-build trust and prove my love. This "incident" comes up about ever 2-3 months and again and again I relive it through him and he makes himslef relive it as well. I feel like he hasnt tried to work through it on his end but I have done all I can on my end, or maybe I havent I dont know. We obviously need counseling. There's no doubt about our love, but we have major tryst issues, insecurities and self-esteem problems (mainly me). If I could have any advice until we get in that would be great. Any similar experiences? We do try to live out our Christian faith as well, I think that is important to know.
Thank you so much in advance!

1. When you say "we had a very rocky start by both leaving previous relationships for each other" do you mean marriages???

2. Are there any dependency issues...alcohol or drugs?

Mr. Wondering

Do you know how many couples stay together if they both came from previous marriages? Is it likley?

Novembergirl:

In general, with each succeding re-marriage the odds of long-term "success" (i.e. "till death do us part") drops precipitously. 2nd marriages divorce at a rate of about 65%, 3rd at about 75-80%, and 4th at 90+%. A good reason why it is almost always best to renew your original marriage than to go out and find "greener grass" with someone else.

Rapid re-marriages ("rebound") after the trauma of divorce, whether a wanted or unwanted D, are a subset that fail at even higher rates. Without a prolonged period of healing and soul-searching, the rebounder is entering into a new relationship coming from a place of need, hurt, and even desperation for attention.

By far, the worst case scenario are those marriages that are relationships entered into originally as adulterous affairs (Dr. Harley called them 'affiar-ages' and there is a very informative thread here by him that discusses them in detail. These M's fail almost always! Read "Private Lies" by Dr. Frank Pittman and Dr. Harley's material on the subject (which I have summarized here):

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=153782&Number=2150902#Post2150902

It doesn't take a genius to see why these unions are disasters waiting to happen...

The way I see it, you were both cheating on somebody (spouse? boyfriend/girlfriend?) when you got together. That's strike one against you.

He went to jail for some "unimportant" reason, however, he must have broke some law serious enough to have a 2 year sentence. Sounds like a real upstanding member of society to me. :RollieEyes: I'll give this strike 2 though other's may merely call it a red flag.

While he's in jail, you cheat on him. Strike 3.

Then you went on a self destructive binge of some sort. Drugs? Alcohol? Whatever it is, Strike 4.

You consider your marriage to be a success because there has been no cheating or infidelity in 4 months. I'll let you off without a strike here, but honey, your standards are way too low.

The issue of your infidelity to him comes up every so often, but "he's" not working on it. He's the betrayed spouse here. You are the WS. He has every right to kick you to the curb and beyond.

Now just so that I don't leave this with no helpful advise whatsoever, I agree you need counselling. You need individual counselling for sure and certainly a lot of the information you can get on this site will be helpful to your marriage. However, chances of success are already pretty low since it is essentially an affairage you are trying to save.