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#2122491 09/06/08 06:49 PM
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badgas Offline OP
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Suzanne and I have been together almost 1 1/2 years. During this time we became engaged after about 4 months (too soon I know!, especially since my divorce was not quite final yet). Cut to this past spring when she just out of the blue emails me that she "doesn't want a relationship now" and basically kicks me to the curb. Would not actually TALK about this mind you, just the one email and repeated requests to stop asking questions that she was not going to answer. She finally openend up about a week or so later and we slowly mended our fences. A key part to the story here: she finally admitted trying to wean herself off of the anxiety meds she had been taking. So things slowly started getting back to where they were, put the ring back on her finger later that summer and things were going fairly well....Until today when I get almost the exact same email today that I did four months ago. And no she will not actually tell me any of this over the phone, much less look me in the eyes. I know this is history repeating itself, but it still sucks! And the worst part is I don't know whether I want to ride the storm out or just say "screw it" and try to move on. OPinions? And thanks for letting me rant...

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Anxiety meds? Take a step back and consider a lifetime of this kind of crap. Do you really want to deal with someone that feels the need to take this kind of medication? Do not expect anything other than instability. That is not the kind of problem that improves over time.

Love causes you to overlook these kinds of things, which later turn out to be VERY important.

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Sorry, but the truth is she does not love you. A woman that loves a man does not behave this way.

Since you already have problems prior to the marriage itself, it will get only worse and more complicated when you get married.

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badgas Offline OP
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Well, here's what has happened in the past month or so:

She FINALLY admitted that she has had too many problems to deal with on her own,while the subject of Xanax abuse has not come up, but she is now getting help from an actual therapist. We have been speaking, even seen each other for brief periods of time and I have seen a lot of change already. She knows she not only screwed things up, but is screwed up herself. As badly as I want to tell her to just go "pound sand" I can't. Bottom line is she wants to get back together, and I'm on the fence about it. She knows I have some trust issues with her, but at the same time I can't walk away, even though I would be perfectly justified in doing so, and that may even be the wiser choice. To sum up things with her we're working on our own issues right now, and later down the road maybe we'll rethink there being an "us".

So here's the $64,000 question: am I nuts for even thinking about this???

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I would recommend staying separated until/unless she can get her prescription medicine issues straightened out. Dr. H will say that anyone with an addiction is not prepared to work on the marriage. She's basically ill and needs to get herself well figured out in that regard before she's going to be able to put forth the energy and effort at being a decent partner to you. Right now, the medicine issue is a primary concern.

If you want to stick by her for a time, I'd say that's admirable. However, I'd not complicate it with sex and/or pregnancy, and I'd put a mental time line on how long you want to wait for her to get herself figured out.

You can certainly call a drug counselor for their take on the situation if it will make you feel better. Make a list of questions for them and ask if they can spare a few minutes for you. Some people do have a propensity or predisposition for addiction. If she has a background in her FOO for this, I would also bring this up in conversation with the counselor.

Last edited by Soolee; 10/30/08 07:12 AM.

Sooly

"Stop yappin and make it happen."
"The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."

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If she feels unsure now, it's not going to change once you are married. she won't stop. i'm talking from experience. i was unsure, ans i've made my husband's life miserable because of it.

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badgas Offline OP
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Well, problem is now (at least) she seems determined to reconcile, and to work through things together..but I'm on the fence about it. I just have no idea what the heck I want right now. On the on ehand there is still something that I'm afraid to lose, but on the other is the fact that twice now the engagement has been called off, and maybe that is a sign that I should at least consider whatever options a middle-aged, baggy-eyed, emotionally unstable divorcee might have.

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So just date some more. No one says you need to get married any time soon. Date around. Meet new people. Find yourself. Go to therapy and learn what went wrong the first time so you won't do it again.

You've got plenty of time. What are you doing for yourself? Sign up for some community college classes. Start a hobby. Join a gym. Join a sports league. Plan a trip. Meet your neighbors. Find a club that supports something you like to do, like theater, or photography, or motorcycle riding, or volunteering to help animals...the list is endless. Get out there and meet people and find yourself. You don't HAVE to be with someone to be a worthy individual.

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badgas Offline OP
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funny you should mention that, I actually did resume my degree quest, after a twenty some-odd year hiatus, and have been seeing someone I met at school (which is another complication all unto itself) AND resumed therapy, so yes I do have plenty in my life to keep me occupied. Trying to look forward, but can't help but look behind perhaps too much.

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Not sure if you are, but why jump into another marriage? It sounds like too much drama for me, but that's just my opinion.

If you are on the fence then you are for a reason. I sense you know the answer but just wanted confirmation?

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badgas Offline OP
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well, when I actually think about it: probably just afraid of being middle-aged and alone.

I suppose you're right that I know this is destined to fail..........again. But I also have a tendency to not know when to fold a losing hand either.


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