I am 30, have three kids and have been married for 11 1/2 yrs. I found out about three months ago that my H was having an affair with a "friend" of mine. He will not consider it an affair but he has a huge problem with dishonesty. I have overheard phone conversations, read e-mails, and even saw his truck in her garage once. He admits he was wrong and says he doesn't want her. But...he will not let her go and he will leave me alone. ARGH!!! I have left with the kids. I have asked him to go. Everytime, we end up back at home together. I have been totally faithful to him and my world has revolved around him and the kids for nearly 12 years now. I don't deserve an unfaithful husband, especially one who wants to live with me while carrying on his relationship with another woman. I'm having a hard time following through with a separation. Whether he wants her or not, he should realize by now that he can't live without her. Why won't he spare me the heartache and just stay gone??? I just don't understand. As long as he's home I am nervous and feel like I have to play "detective". Mainly because I know that he's communicating with her but unless I have proof, he'll deny it. Even with proof he has an "explaination". There's ALWAYS an explaination.

On Monday, I left the house to go to the grocery store. I took a cordless phone with me and drove the car to a nearby parking lot. By the time I could walk get back to my yard (probably 3 min. later) he was calling her. I overheard him call her "baby" and ask why she didn't invite him to join her for lunch. She replied that he had an "open invitation". YUCK!!! They soon lost connection but I had heard enough anyway. I asked him to leave and he refused until his mother insisted and drove nearly 2 hours to take him home with her. I have repeatedly told him that I do not want him anymore. As much as I love him I have to jump off of the roller coaster. It's not good for me or the kids. Our marriage has never been a healthy one anyway. So, he left Monday night but kept calling. Then, he showed up last night with his bag. He thinks that if he pushes himself on me, I'll give him another chance. He has had about eight so far. No wonder he thinks he can get by with it. I've let him so many times.

Why do I continue to let this man hurt me? How do I stay strong and do what I have to for myself and the kids. I just want to focus on them now. He doesn't deserve my time!

Any thoughts?

Have you read "Codependents No More" It may offer you some insight on what you can do to take care of yourself. Right now your husband has the best of both worlds you and his family and this other woman. He needs to feel what it would be like to totally lose his family. I know it is hard to seperate. But if you don't set firm boundaries you will never know his true decision and even if it seems like he may chose this woman for some time that doesn't mean he won't realize he wants to be with you and his family in time. Sometimes people think the grass is greener on the other side until they have it and then it is not so great. But you and he won't know the truth until you set clear boundaries and limits on what you will and will not tolerate. Focus on you, what you want and know that you completely deserve that.