I am new to this forum and I am new at posting as well. First I want to apologize for such a long post. I have been lurking here for a coupleof months, and decided to ask for help and advice.

Here is my story:
On August 8 2007 My W told me that her feelings for me had changed and that she did not know if she was in love with me or not. At the time my father was very ill and had been in the hospital for months. He eventually passed in September 2007. I know during that time I was not giving my W the attention that she needed. After she told me those things she seemed very distant and not involved in our marriage. I immediately sought counseling and we attended two sessions before she quit going. I worked for the next several months on rebuilding our marriage and trying to meet her needs, but she seemed to become even more distant. at this point I started looking at cell phone records and just keeping my eyes open because something just was not right.

Fast forward: On November 2007 I asked my wife to get the Christmas money out of her purse so I could see how much we had. When she pulled out the money a cell phone number fell out with it. I asked her who's it was and she told me about 3 different people and she immediately threw it away. I later got the number out of the trash. I asked her again later that night who's number it was and she again stated two or three different names. I knew that she was not telling the truth because I knew the names and numbers in her phone from snooping. After researching the number I found out that it was a OM which is a coworker. On Wednesday of that wee I come home and told her that she was not telling me the truth about the phone number. She responded with I told you who it was, I responded with I know you are lying. She responded with if you know so much then tell me who it is. When I told her OM name she immediately looked stunned. I asked her what was going on and all she would tell me is that there was some innappropriate talking, sex survey's, etc. She asked me what I needed to get past all of this and I told her that she could not talk to him any longer, call him in front of me and let him know that whatever was going on was done, and she had to find another job. None of those things ever happened. The next day I called her father and she admitted to him in front of me what they had been doing. We also sat down with our pastor and she admitted it to him as well.

Fast forward: Over the next 5 months into May 2008 she seemed to be very different. She would leave me little notes, show a lot of affection, and just generally try to show me that she loved me. Something that she had always done, but had quit during that time. The thing is none of it ever fest sincere. I admit I was very angry about the whole situation for a long time. We would argue. I left a couple of times to get my head straight and would return. In June 2008 we decided to seperate for a little while. I hired a PI since I was not going to be in our home and the kids were gone as well. Nothing ever really happened except for one Friday the PI got some video of her and OM talking in the parking lot at work, and some video of her driving around drinking. That same night the PI lost her for a couple of hours and she had called OM during that time. What else happened I will never know. She stated that she needed to figure out why she did what she did and why she let her guard down. We got back together in July 2008, and every since then she has seemed to act just like she was back in 2007. Telling me things liek I need some me time. We were going to counseling during this time and she quit going again after about 10 sessions stating that no one is going to tell me that I can not talk to OM and how long and what I can talk to OM about.


Fast forward: In August 2008 she come home and told me that she added text messaging to her phone. Something that she had never had before. I had access to her online account so I kept monitoring it. In september 08 she changed the password on her online account, but I figured the new password out. I noticed a lot of texts being sent to a certain number. The texts would start as early as 5:00AM and end at 10:00PM. I would be at home cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, while all she would do is set on the couch and text OM. There would be as many as 50 texts a day between them. I contacted the PI again and we began to monitor her. We discovered that the number belonged to another OM. I confronted my W with this and all she said was we are just friends, he is like a brother to me. The next day she changed the password on her online account and has taken the call details off the paper bill. She also keeps her cell phone locked so I can not look at it. I have no access to anything, but I know it is still going on. In september she was at a friends house with our kids. Her friends kids and our kids are friends. I was out of town and she had told me to call her when I got back in town. When I called I noticed she had been drinking. It was 3PM in the afternoon and she was already drunk. At 5:00PM I called her again and told her I was coming to get the kids. I went over there and got the kids and she was stumbling drunk. Later that night she cam home, and we had a big argument about what she was doing. Later on in September she was back at the firends house with the kids. She was texting OM because I have that printed out. Also that night she even was texting the PI, and eventually talked to him on the phone. I have the texts that the PI sent her and she sent him. He started it out liek he had sent to a wrong number and hse took it all the way to talking on the phon with the PI not knowing who she was even talking to. One thing that she did was she told the PI that she was married for now, and gave him her e-mail address. But he has never sent her anything. Later that night my w was coming home and she got stopped by the police and received a DWI with the kids in the car.

Fast forward: Since she had locked everything to do with her cell phone I kept looking at in the mornings. One morning she left it unlocked and I got a peak at some of the texts between her and OM. It started with her asking "watcha doing", OM - "eating my birthday dinner", W - "why did you not tell me it was your birthday", OM - "did not want you to make a fuss", W - "would not have made a fuss would have made it fun", OM - "See told you not to make a fuss", W - Would not have made a fuss just wish you happy birthday", OM - Expect my birtday kisses then". After seeing this I decided to call OM wife. She was called and left a message to call my number. When she called I told her what I knew but all she said is I believe my husband and would not listen to what I had to say and what information I had. I am at a loss. I don't know what to do. I am looking for advice and any ideas. Sorry for such a long post but this is a long story and it has been going on for me for a year now. I have tried to hang in there with my wif and continue to give everything I have to our marriage, but I am running on empty. Everything that my W was doing the first time she is doing again, and now she does not even acknowledge that I am trying to work on our marriage. All she does is text him. I have contacted a lawyer and have spoken with him. Any advice or thought will be greatly appreciated.

Nuclear exposure to family, friends and her work.

It's your only chance and since you've been lurking you know that.

iam,

I exposed the first one to everyone. I exposed this OM to his W and she did not want to have anything to do with it. All she said is how do you know it is not innocent and I believe my H. How do you expose to her work? Both of these men are co-workers. When my W found out that I exposed to OM W she said that I had invaded her privacy and I needed to stay out of her business.

You gather hard evidence of her A and expose again.




A letter to their boss, CC'd to HR. Search this forum for examples.



Your WW is an active WS. She will say things like that. OF COURSE it is your business if she's up to any activity that will destroy your M. Your WW is confusing privacy with secrecy, and the latter kills Ms.

That is a classic response. You are not invading her privacy, you are exposing her secrecy.

Try to get your hands on the Harley's book 'Surviving An Affair', and you'll realise these are classic symptoms.

Oh, the poor little darling!

Man up for your wife or she will continue to use you as a doormat. Women don't want weak pansies for spouses (not saying you are but it sounds like you're close).

ManInMotion,

How do you gather hard evidence when she ahs her cell phone locked, her online account locked, and no access to her computer.

iam,

I have exposed and stood up for myself and my kids. During the first time I exposed to everyone including our pastor. My W told me that everyone knew about this new OM and when I told Om W she did not want to have any of it. She gave the phone to OM and the first thing he said to me was I am not having an affair with your W. If I expsoe to her work the way that place is I will look like the crazy person here. That place is a hot bed for affairs and members of Management are having them as well. when I told my wife that I had spoken to OM W and she told me to stay out of her business really hit me hard. I told my W that a marriage is an open book and she replied with bulls!@#. She then told me that now I have to go and patch things up.

Uh-huh, right. And because your wife is currently such an exemplary pinnacle of honesty, you would be nuts to doubt her word. I'm with you all the way.

You're making excuses. Do it.

Regarding hard evidence, you have copies of texts between her and at least two OM (one of them being the PI). You can get a statement from the PI.

But really, the hard evidence is for you, and for OM's W. You don't need to share that stuff with anyone else. And do NOT reveal to your WW how you got the info you do have.

Now, go expose.
To your parents, her parents, her work (not just her boss but HR and the CEO), your pastor. Expose to OMW again with the hard evidence.

I also think you should tell your children that Mommy wants to have a boyfriend but that's not allowed in marriages; it's causing problems but you love them and Mommy and you're trying to work things out.

I am not so sure that I do want to work things out. Do not get me wrong. I love my wife deeply, and liek others she is the most important person to me. I have working at this for over a year. It has gotten so bad that when we both are at home in the evenings I cook dinner, clean the house, help the kids with their homework, while all she does is sit on the couch and text. I have some texts between her and OM as far has how many times a day they are doing it, but she locked me out of her online account in early October. I don't know if they have met anywhere or not or if this has gotten to a PA or is just an EA. Regardless it is very hard to deal with. When I told my WW that I had spoken with OM W she was so upset that she looked at me one time with tears in her eyes and told me that I had no right to tell OM W. Which I actually did not. I had another female tell her that something was going on and the OM W actually called me.

after I confronted her with OM1 she apologized and asked for my forgiveness. She continued to tell me things like I will never do this again, I know how bad I hurt you and I regret that and now look at where I am today. I want some thoguths on this: My W will text this other man all of the time, but she leaves me messages on my work phone in the mornings before I get to work saying things like I will be thinking about you today, and I love you. She will ocassionally send me an e-mail telling me that she is thinking about me and that she loves me. What is that all about. Is she just tryng to string me along or what. She knows how I feel about what she is doing. I have told my parent about all of this and she tells me that my W has checked out and does not care. I am sure that my W sister knows about everything, I am not so sure about her parents. They are the type of people that would say that my W is not doing anything wrong with all of the texting and they are jsut friends.

I would see an attorney and check whether you can get custody of your kids. Drinking during the day and driving with them is very scary. They need to be protected from your wife.

“OM - Expect my birthday kisses then”


Anybody who has any questions regarding them being “just friends”… “just friends” don’t kiss.

That’s all the evidence needed.


Have you tried the voice activated recorder hidden in her car yet?

I appreciate everyone's advice so far. I need all of the help that I can get here. I have spoken with my lawyer about the DWI with the kids int eh car and he beleives that I have a strong case. I have not tried the voice recorder in the car yet, but it is high on my list and I believe that I will purchase one today. Thought about hiding it under her seat. I have been trying to catch her in the act for almost a year and she seems to be one step ahead. Nothing I have tried has worked. Some days I even wonder if I am chasing ghosts. If there really is an A going on. My W is so distant to me in the evenings at home. Like I said in a previous post she will come home and say "Hey Baby" then start texting while I do all of the chores. That will be the only words that she speaks to me all night long. Then the next morning she will leave me a voice message at work telling me how much she will be thinking about me and how much she loves me. What is up with all of that. Thsi whole situation every since august 2007 has me confused and wondering what to do next. I have tried as hard as I could to meet her needs whatever they are. Why woudl she tell me that she would never do this again and 6 months later bam.

Around here, the vets call that cake eating. She's got you taking care of meals, kids, house, providing financially, and then she's got OM for the excitement and rush.


Honestly, regardless if you want to R or not, get more hard evidence and document how she is neglecting her kids. The more info you have, the better you'll be for either killing the affair and R, or D and keeping your kids, the house, etc.

I'm really sorry you're going thru this, it hurts horribly.


Is there a way to put a keylogger on your computer at home? Does she use it to access online accounts, etc?

Invest in a GPS and put it in her car. Be sure to get one that is in realtime and transmits to your home computer.

Listen, that nonsense has to stop. No spouse in an M should be sitting around engaged in leisure activities like that (especially ones that are anti-M) while the other is doing the chores and housework. Get her involved! Tell her your need her help to wash the dishes while you get dinner ready, or something like that. And don't do it before, as that will give her time to dream up an excuse to not get involved, but at the time you start. Ditto for the other chores, e.g. "can you fold the clothes while I sort them out?" That sort of stuff.

And yes, get that recorder. One for home too, so you can find out what's happening when you're not around.

Stop being a doormat hogfan.

THROW HER OUT!

See if she wakes up.

Nothing else you have done has worked. You are just doing the same things over and over.

Did you ever hear the definition of insanity?

It's doing the same thing again and again and expect a different result.

Your wife needs a wake up call. Toss her, serve her D papers ANYTHING!!!

What are you waiting for? Pictures of her on top of OM???

Thanks for all of the support. There is no computer at home. we live out in the country and can not get anything but dial up for internet and that is a waste. I thought that the DWI with the kids in the car (got 2 endagering the welfare of a minor charges as well, loss of drivers liscense for 120 days would wake her up but that did not wake her up either. It was only several weeks after that the we were at her friends house with the kids for Halloween and she was on it again. I beilieve that this new friend of hers is very toxic. This friend is having problems in her marriage as well. I have used a GPS before and did not reveal anything. I have not tried the voice recorder but will begin to.

WW just called. She said that she just wanted to let me know she was thinking about me and that she loved me, and I am sure texting at the same time. I sometimes wonder if maybe they are jsut friends. Am I over reacting? Then I remember back to the first OM and all of the things that she said they did. Inappropriate talking, sex survey's, and statments to one another like if the opportunity presented itself would you do anything "maybe". Is she jsut stringing me along to take care of things for her while she does what she wants when she wants? I don't feel like a doormat, but I do feel like I am being taken advantage of. I have tried everything that Plan A describes and more on several ocassions, and i know whe would not do MB seeing as how she quit counseling twice. Her reason for quitting the second time is the counselor was talking to her about boundaries and all of the flirting that she does with OM and she claims that no one is going to tell her who she can talk to and for how long and what she can talk about. I need as much help as I can get from you guys on this and I appreciate everything so far.

The new thing with her now is she wants to start going out with another friend to night clubs dancing and drinking in a town an hour away. She wants me to watch the kids while she goes out and has her "ME" time as she calls it. I do not know who this woman is any longer. She has never done things like that before. I love my W. and I would try Plan A again, but I do not want the hurt of this if it does not work. Right now she is not giving anything to our marriage and it is very hard to do a plan when the other person does not respond and will only say one to two words to you. As for the chores. I have been doing that for over a year now as well all by myself.

You know what hogfan?

Just do it.

Babysit for her so she can go out on the town and screw the OM. But please make sure to give her enough money to pay for his drinks and dinner. Be sure to throw in an extra $100 for the hotel room. Oh, make sure you send her off with the condoms too, she may come home and want some from her other guy!

I was wrong, you are being a pansy.

Good God, read some threads around here!!!

IAM,

I am jsut letting everyone know what is going on with my sitch. I do not need to be slammed for something that I am not. I have tried to save my marriage/relationship. If she wants to go out I can not stop her. But let me tell you this. I will not allow her to show my girls that this is the way that a married woman is supposed to act. Right now i would like to work on my M, but i am trying to protect my girls from her influence.

I'm usually the first to tell somebody to fight, and fight hard, but you're way beyond that.

Yes, hogfan, she IS "just stringing you along." You've been betrayed, played for a fool and you still haven't taken a stand. The most you have done is play detective (whehn you already KNOW what is going on) while she runs all over you and everything you hold holy.

LOOK AT ALL YOU ARE PROVIDING without asking for anything in return:
You've been Plan A-ing her for over a year, you put a roof over her head, you do the cooking and cleaning, you deal with the kids, put up with her getting DUIs with the kids in the car (!?)and have tolerated not one, but TWO OM in the recent past....

SHEESH, why would she want to change ANYTHING about this setup?

This has certainly evolved into doormat territory, as far as I can see. What you're offering isn't LOVE, it's ENABLING despicable behavior.

As long as you put up with this, it will continue, and most likely get more disrespectful as time goes on. Can you not see the progression?

What would happen if you said "Enough!" If you sat her down and told her this is NOT the marriage you signed on for and it's not going to work this way anymore. As long as she continues to maintain inappropriate relationships with other men, party like a teenager, AND jeopardize your children's safety, she is NOT WELCOME in your world. Then deliver a Plan B letter and go dark.

Reread your posts and tell us exactly what it is you are trying to hang on to?