By now he's eating cake for a wedding of 10 thousand made especially by T2L full time bakery LOLOLOL.

Yeah NO EXPECTATIONS! Ok so deal with it as it happens. That translates into: MENTORS YOU ARE NOW ON CALL EVERYDAY AFTER NOV 22ND FOR T2L! J/K

But I'm totally serious!

So I'm guessing once he decides I can know what to do a little better.

He was at one time a wonderful H so yeah I hope he returns to that too.

I think how fast it goes should totally depend on him. If he's as serious as you need him to be, you might consider letting him home very quickly, after a few days.

Maybe even home but not your bedroom - make that a few steps farther down the road.

SH will be an invaluable help in navigating you through this, too.

I would tell him the general boundaries, i.e. NC for life, radical honesty, transparency, accountability, etc., and let him know I have specific ways I would need these implemented in order to heal. If he says "whatever it takes", I would consider taking him up on that, even if you haven't showed him every detail and gotten his agreement.

If he wants to see what he's agreeing to first, he may not be desperate enough anyway.

I also don't think it would be an LB to tell him that you need more from him due to the false R. He went back on his word once, and you'll need to see that he means it before you open yourself up to being hurt again. If he's repentant, he'll understand that. If he's not, he'll think you're being controlling.

Mortarman wrote this about Plan B - (the entire post is on my notable post thread)




Plan B is a door. It is a door out of the mess...and away from the adultery and pain. It is a door into a new life. One that the BS controls. Now, going thru that Plan B door may mean that your marriage is over. Or, as in my case, it may mean that your wife will meet you on the other side of that door. But that door forever changes the dynamic of your life.

That was great insight, Neak.
When he's REALLY ready to come home, he'll be willing to do anything and everything. He'll be committed totally and for the long haul.

So I'm going to re-vamp and go for maybe a few conditions to start with and play it by ear from there. I'll have the other conditions as things to do with recovery. Yeah I agree he should have an amount of jumping through the hoops if he wants to come home. We'll see what happens, I am mentally prepared for at least 6 months of Plan B. Sounds weird but I made mini goals for myself so I can attain them. I'll be at 7 months on November 23rd, funny 1 day into Plan B. I made my 1st goal of 6 months already so next goal is April 23rd. That will 1 year from the day my life changed.

We didn't see him yesterday but talked on the phone, and he just called a bit ago and we chatted. As for now he will coming over tomorrow afternoon. Not sure the plans for the weekend.

I think tomorrow we will be going to the local mall for tree lighting ceremony.

That's update for today......Thanks again as always for all your guys feedback and help. Sure could not have made it this far without ya'll!

Truer words are rarely spoken.

Sure hope so.

As of now he'll be here in the afternoon. We had a few phone conversations last night so that was good. Went to salsa class,that was fun. Otherwise pretty quiet the last few days.



1 week and 1 day left till Plan B. All that's left....

Finish up with a good Plan A, and no expectations.

Also, it might be helpful to set some goals for you to accomplish in Plan B. It will help you keep your mind off of him. I went out with friends, started a new business, cleaned the house sparkling, organized, detailed the car, started a garden, exercised, and did volunteer work.

Will do finish strong Plan A. Plan B goals so far it more organizing, then painting my bedroom, painting 2 bath rooms, continue and add more salsa classes, plan a Christmas party with all my church friends, plan a New Years Party, and learn to play key board. Good start I think.

Here is my PBL with the chnages made around some of the comments H has made about "I can do what I want and I'm not on anyone's time line" and also added the reminder that I told him about now being able to do the sharing stuff forever, I know it's a bit long I tried many many times to shorten........

Dear Cake eater,

This is so hard. I love you so much. I want our marriage and family restored. Having you around the last few months and experiencing my real husband has been wonderful, I have really appreciated it. Especially Disneyland, being with you on weekends, having sex again and be able to give you my 1st lap dance.

I've tried to hide it as long as possible, but like I mentioned to you I can't go on like this forever. I wanted and tried to be close to you even under this painful circumstance of sharing you. I know that this situation is just a symptom of the problems that were in our marriage. I am so sorry for my part in creating an atmosphere that helped make the affair possible.

I love you and wanted to grow old with you, but I am not your jailer, your free to do your own thing, its just too hard for me to have you home and then you leave to Toad's. The love I have in my heart for you is being damaged by sharing you and I want to protect what love I have for you. The last few months I chose to hide my pain from you to be close to you but it hurts so much I can't do it anymore. I am willing to create a new life for us but can't until you end your relationship with Toad once and for all.

Until then I can no longer see and talk to you. I sadly ask that you no longer contact me directly as I can no longer take the pain it's too unbearable. My email will be shut off today. I will assume that the finances will be the same as you have so amazingly and lovingly provided for the kids and I so far. Fred and Wilma Rubble have agreed to help make arrangements for visiting the kids. If you need to talk to me they will pass on the information to me. I will be sure to have the kids ready for your visits by meeting you in the driveway.

I ask that you please understand my decision to protect my heart this way. I still love you more than anything, I just can't see you under these circumstances anymore, it's killing me Cake eater.

The door back to my heart and the family is OPEN as soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Toad with no contact with her ever again and start a plan to recover our marriage so our family will never have to be apart again. If we both work at our marriage, it can work a 2nd time. I am really going to miss my real husband being around especially this time of the year.

Your Wife,
T2L

It's WUNNERFUL!!

The only thing I'd change is
I love you and wanted to grow old with you,

I'd make that
I love you and want to grow old with you,

Awesome letter! A little long but covers everything we've all discussed.

One change besides what Turtle suggested:

Change: "your free to do your own thing" to "You're free..."

I really love it too! A couple of suggestions. First, don't forget to change the nicknames, lololol, and do not insert Sea Hag instead of Toad. Also agree with Turtle's suggestion. No hint of wavering, only complete faith that your M WILL be restored.

A couple tiny suggested alterations are below in brackets.


Great job - a little long, but I'm not sure what I'd cut, so unless you get a better suggestion, keep it pretty much as is.

Like it Neak gonna take those and add em in.

A little long, but good.

Did you really call her TOAD?

Ok Guys went over conditions shortened it a bit. Lemme know what you think. These are really staples to me since I already had 1 false recovery before I found SAA........

My conditions for recovery:
Every possible precaution must be taken to erase her from our lives and make contact with her so difficult that you would have to make great efforts and great deception to even make it possible.


1ST Condition
No contact with Toad forever, period. No loopholes. Write a letter to Toad explaining you will not ever communicate with her again and your intentions of marriage recovery and give it to me when you are done so I may ensure it's mailing. (To ensure No contact: Change Cell phone number, close down all secret emails and use the family email account, access to your lap top and trade phones at anytime, remove all her and/or her friends phone #'s from your cell phones and cut all ties. Tell me immediately if there is ever contact of any kind.)


2ND Condition
Read Surviving An Affair by Willard Harley and abide by the principals in the book to recover or marriage. Schedule Phone Counseling session with Harley's immediately.


3RD Condition
Living at home full time no sleeping anywhere else unless me and/or the children go no matter how far away you work. Remove your name from apartment lease and showing proof of it.


4TH Condition
Since she previously worked at your employer and everyone there knows, I would like the both of us to go into employer and explain our plans for recovery ask them to never again schedule you in Orange county and give you a new email address and cell phone #. Have the office or manager intercept all calls for your old email and cell phone.

5TH Condition
Close down personal bank account and use family bank account. All deposits will be made into joint bank account. I will pick up all checks and no finances in any form will be given to the toad.

6TH Condition
Accountability for time forever. This means phone calls and accessibility to you at any time. Calling when late etc. Do whatever necessary to establish trust.

To him NO, called her a wh0re....LOLOLOLOLOL

But whats the difference Toad, Sea Hag, Biatch, Fat A$$, Scum bag, home wrecker it's all the same isn't it? LMOA

I'm torn between SeaHag and Toad.

I could see how that could happen How bout Toad the Sea Hag? Or Sea Hag Toad? Or Hag of the Sea Toads? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Ok I'll stop.

Sounds like a great title for a children's book!

Either that, or a name for a band!

but seriously, don't call her insulting names to WH, it motivates him to defend her and that's the last thing you want - for you to become the bad guy and he feels like defending her to you.

Great letter, love all the changes.

LOL, I don't call her those names. I did 2 times but that was in the summer before I had SAA. Once I found SAA I stopped all talks about her and the relationship, per the wonderful advice of my mentors and of course no LB's!



So did you guys see the revision of my Conditions? I shortened it. Is it better?