Hello everyone. This is my first post here. I have been through the ringer and more. About a 1 1/2 ago things started to fall apart in my M. Should have seen OW was in the picture, but I didnt. WAH moves out right before xmas and is only gone for 2 weeks....comes begging to come back and claiming undying love. Still did not know about OW. H tries to work on M for all of 3 weeks and then things go back to the way they where before he left. Gee, I wonder why....yep, he started back up with OW. By the end of March he is moving out to "find himself". We all know what that means...explore a R with OW.

At the end of May, I had been hearing rumors that OW was involved. Here is the kicker.....2 days before WAH admits to his A with OW I found out I had cancer. I didnt tell anyone because I was in shock. Did not know how to process all of the information. When he finally admitted he was having a PA, I packed up my S and moved 2 hours away to be with family. I told WAH about cancer 1 month after I left, it did nothing to change anything. He just felt bad for me because I was his son's mother.

By July he has decided he wants a D. I admit that I was not very kind to him during this time. I was distant, but when there was contact, anger dripped from me. By the begining of Aug we agree that I will move back to the house and he will move "where ever??".

When I move back he acts like my best friend. Compliments me, buys me little things, sends me joking emails. I thought that maybe we were going to head for R again because he has me believing OW is gone....she's not. I am working soooo hard at this point to meet his EN to no avail. When I find out she is still around I send WAH an email that says please just leave me alone to heal. We can not be friends because friends dont treat me the way you do. I need my space to just let you go. When we talk about me going NC, at first he was angry then he was happy about it. When he would talk about how he 'Loved me just not in love with me" I would just validate his feelings but continue to say, we are no longer going to talk after this.

I have been as dark as possible since Sept. He is living with OW and has even introduced her to his family now. They all say he is affairing down....she is not attractive and VERY overweight and they ALL say I am so much prettier and more intellegent than her. None of them can understand what he sees in her. In fact, his bro said the only thing he saw was OW was worshiping WAH.

So, I have read EVERY book on A and every website on A and think I truly understand the anatomy of an A. Do I think it will last...no. Do I obsess over it anymore, no. I have detached in a loving manner and have worked very hard to get a life and find myself. I am happy now and feel so very blessed in my life.

Here is the thing, I dont know how to go even darker. He is living at OW house (she is divorced with no kids) so comes to my house for his visitation. He sees our son 2x's a week and stays here 1 weekend a month. We have agreed to wait to finalize our D until the house sells. I dont email him unless it is something I think he should know about S. I DO NOT call him AT ALL. When he calls, I let it go to voice mail unless I know he is calling for S. He only calls when he is running late for his visitations anyway. When it is his night to be here, I look d@mn cute (he has made MANY comments on this as well). When he walks in, I walk out. When I get back home I say "Drive safe" in a cheerful tone then walk past him to take my dog for a walk outside.

Any advice on how I can go even darker without jepordizing any custody? I would love to hear advice. Sorry so long, just wanted to make sure you got the entire sitch.

Like I said in my first post, I have been doing ALOT of reading since D-day happened 6 months ago. Here is what seems to be a common theme: for those who exspose the A to the WAS and the WAS is immediately remorseful, they are the ones who have the best chance of R. There are some that "wake up" from the fog of the A and want to come back, but it only seems like the ones who want to come back were not in the fog for very long. It seems that if by six months the A is still going along swimmingly, and the WAS claims bliss, the chances of them wanting to R become very slim.

I have read post after post after post from the LBS and it seems that R rarely ever happens. Do I think my WAH's A will last.....no, he chose her for the wrong reasons. Do I think it will last for a long time.....yes, I do.

Here is a story to illustrate my point. My WAH's brother married very young. He was 21 and his wife was 19. There were cracks in their R even before they decided to M. Two years into it, she meets a man at work and starts a R with him. She leaves my BIL and moves in with her new man. Six months after the D is finaly, she is married to her new guy.

Fast forward ten years......and yes, I did say ten years. She just recently D here new man because THAT relationship was not satisfying either. She says she has been unhappy for many years but did not leave earlier because it would be her second D and that made her feel like a failure. She said she realized shortly after they were M that she really was not in love with him, that she like the way he made her feel. She trulu regrets that she left her first H, but know that door is firmly shut (he has remarried).

My point is, I think after they have been in the A for awhile, they try and force it to work. They brainwash themselves into believing it is good, because look at the price they paid to get this relationship. If the WAS OP does not break it off with them, then I dont see the WAS coming back.

This has just been my observation. I am not trying to be doom and gloom, in fact I would love it if somebody came here and told me just how wrong I am. I want hope, I truly do, but at this point I dont have any anymore. My WAH A has been "outted" with everyone for 6 months now and nothing has changed. In fact, he is now bringing her around his brother.

Are you married to him?

We have been married for 18 years, together for 20. We have a son who is 9. We are both 37 and his OW is 32 with no kids and already D.

It appears from a few things that she is married.

I would say that you have a difficult time ahead and divorce is likely your best option. Here's why I feel this way. Not only is your husband in an affair...but he also has the blessing of his family. If he is comfortable enough to bring her around and they are not classy enough to throw the skank out of their house, this spells big trouble. These people are not your allies...they are enemies of your marriage.

I would make a point to speak to an attorney. Work out the custody and child support issues as soon as possible. Stay very, very dark. Make sure you have exposed this affair to any and everyone.

Do not agree to anything without the advice of a lawyer...this includes the sale of your home.

Get aggressive and nail his asss to the ceiling!

Medc, his OW in not married, but D for 2 years now. My WAH only has his brother for family and they just mer OW last week. BIL did NOT want to meet her, but his wife wanted to meet her once to see what kind of person would think and A was ok. BIL made ugly remarks to WAH through out the evening and still does not want to have anything to do with OW. They are VERY angry at WAH.

I have a L and am very well advized in that area. My question still is......how do I go darker given our sitch? He comes HERE for visitation so that my son is not exsposed to her.

BH, I would suggest going into Plan B and going completely dark. For his visitations, he could pick up your son have his visits elsewhere [as long as the OW is not there]. My suggestion would be to send him a Plan B letter giving him a path back and telling him that you won't be in contact with him anymore. Designate an intermediary who would only pass any PERTINENT information. Work out a visitation schedule beforehand, and get his agreement on it. Get all your logistics worked out beforehand and then go completely dark.

CHANGE THE LOCKS so he cannot come in the house.

NOW would be a great time to go into Plan B because it is just before the holidays.

Also, there are so very many screen names on here with brokenhearted that folks are bound to confuse you. I know I will! Can you consider picking something more unique? [and not anything starting with "hopeful" that is another SMITH! ]

He gets a FIX every time he is allowed in your house, so it will be a good idea to keep him out. Let him feel all the benefits of abandoning his family.

Have the OW's parents been notified that she is shacking up with a married man who has abandoned his family? They might want to know that before they allow him to darken their doorstep. That might really make their holidays enjoyable if they are ostracized by her family and have to spend the holidays ALONE.

excellent advice from Mel.

Hopefully your kids have been told the entire ugly truth.

Mel, thanks for the suggestion on changig my screen name. Hope this one is a bit better. I will get my custody ironed out and go completly dark in the next couple of weeks. In our custody agreement that we are working out, WAH gets our son 2xs a week for overnight visits and then every other weekend. Since he is living with OW, he comes here so that he can put son to bed. It is good for my son to have his father involved, but it would be better if he took his head out of his @ss and came home.

Legally, the house is still his as well. If he wants to come here, there is nothing I can do about it at the moment. He is going to get an appartment after the house sells, but cant afford to do it now because our house payments are way too high. At least he will put on the show of acting single around my son for a little while.

Yes, my son knows daddy left me for OW. Yes, everyone I know and his family know that he left me for OW. I dont know OW at all and dont know how to find her family. Im sure they have told her family that he is already D, but I dont know how to track them down. I truly believe that the truth always comes out. Imagine if they are together 1 year from now and my son goes over to her family for something. He is the kind of kid that would let it "slip" that daddy was having an A with her. Gotta love kids.

Anyway. Thanks everyone for the advice. Looks like I need to get some plans in place.

thanks for changing the name! That will be easy to remember.

You will want to keep him out of the house, because the last thing you need is an WS who is angry at losing control over you, barging into your house at will. And don't think he won't do it. It happens all the time.

The way to do it is to just change the locks. Tell him nicely in your letter that you prefer he not come into the house and you will send your son out to the driveway at pick up and drop off. But changing the locks is the best way to handle it. That keeps them out.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? That book would be very helpful in your situation. In the meantime, I would find an intermediary and start working on your letter. Here is a sample letter from SAA:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

a post about intermediaries from a board member who was being counseled by Steve Harley:

So, this may sound like a stupid question, but how to I pick an intermediary? WAS has walked away from EVERYONE in his life. He has created a new reality by making an entirely new set of friends. I dont know a sigle person he is friends with. None of my friends will have anything to do with him because they cant believe 1. that he would leave me 2. that he would have an A and mostly 3. that he would leave me while I was going through chemo. They all think that I am crazy for even considering trying to make my M work. But us here know the truth about M and why they are worth it.

The only person I can think of is his brother. I am affraid that if I put them in the middle, they will be caught in a stressful position and will pull away from me. I love them both dearly and would like to remain friends with them. I know blood is thicker than water so try to treat that bond gentle until more time has passed.

I am not trying to be a nay sayer here, I am just truly at a loss on how to do this. Many of you have face this exact sitch and I am just wanting to know how you did it. Thank you all very much for your help.

idey, do you have a friend or family member that you could trust to SCREEN his messages and remain perfectly neutral? I wouldn't ask his brother because that is his blood. Someone on your side perhaps. This person would not need to be on friendly terms with him.

Ok, so I did it...I have gone completely dark today. I sent STBXH an email last night telling him that there is no longer a need for us to see eachother in any way anymore. I told him that when I am at the house, he is no longer welcome inside. I told him that when it is his nights for visitation, he needs to call me and let the phone ring once and then hang up so that I can slip out the back. When I return, I will call him, let it ring once so that he can leave out the front. This morning STBXH walks into the house and was all friendly........I was like WTF???? I asked him if he got my email. Apparently, no, he did not. He wants me to tell him what it says, and I say please just read it. He corners me and wants me to tell him. Fine, I will tell you then.

After he hears what I want, he actually looked at me and said "I dont understand, we were working at making things better." Um, where the h#ll did you get that idea? You moved in with maggot (aka OW) and then show her off to your family and you think we are going to be friends? Havent you even noticed that I no longer even talk to you or respond to your emails??? Can we say "LaLa Land"!!! I tell him as long as she is in his life I will not be, end of story. He is pissed, he is angry (um, why?) and then says "Fine, if that is the way it has to be." Yep, it is, so get used to it.

I know he prob thinks that I am doing this to get back at him or punish him. It has NOTHING to do with him. I am doing it because for the last 2.5 months I have been angry. VERY angry. So angry, in fact, that when I see him all I think is "I wish you would just die you piece of [censored]!!!" I hate being in that space. It is NOT who I am. I have always been the silver lining kind of person. Believe it or not, I DO see the silver lining in this, but I am still so f'ing mad at him. He is here in my life so often that I just dont get a break. I need the out of sight out of mind right now. I need to heal so that I can let go and move on. I need to not have visions of sugar plums dancing through my head stabbing him with candy canes. So, I am hoping that relief will come soon. I will not back down from NC with the exception of emails concerning my son. Even those can wait a week for a responce at this point.

Anger is the final stage before acceptance, right????? I sure am hoping it is.

So, I told STBXH about NC. This morning he followed the rules wonderfully. Then at 1:00 I get some text messages from him insisting that I find the title to his car that he totaled and that I find a game card for Dave and Busters (a gaming place). I gather these things up but do not reply. He then text me while I am out that he is going to be dropping S off at the house early and they will be there in 5 min. I had to respond that I would not be back until the allocated time, he needed to find something to do until then. He responds back that he will just go and hang out at the house and search for the title to the car. Now, I have not had a chance to have the locks changed and frankly I really dont want to spend the money, but now I can see that it has to be done. I had left some important papers concerning our D out and was afraid if he walked in he might take them. So, I had to respond that I will be home shortly. When they finally arrived, STBXH walks into the house with S. I WAS SO PISSED!!!!!! WTF????? Here is the thing, he is going to be here Tuesday night, he could have picked it all up then but NO, he insist on doing it tonight. I honestly thought he was going to ride happily into the NC zone. I thought he was going to be glad to get me out of his life. Guess that goes to show you that I just dont know much about this after all. Guess we all think "our" H are different....guess not so much. Going to be calling a locksmith on Monday to get estimates. ARRGGG!

Here is something else that I just dont understand. WAH is now living with OW but I found out he has a dating profile on his facebook account. From the browser log he has been messaging women that are NOT OW. So, I guess it is best that I am as far away from this lost soul as possible to avoid being part of the fallout. Never thought he would turn into this person...how far they fall....

idey, Plan B means you ensure no contact. It means you change the locks and do not respond to his texts. It means he doesn't come in the house anymore. [you can see how well that works!] What you are doing is not Plan B, it is Plan cold shoulder.

Did you send something similiar to the letter I posted? Did you get an intermediary? What about changing the locks?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

You are not in plan B. Change the locks. Do not text. Texting is a form of direct contact. You must use a third party if he needs to communicate. You are defeating plan B by allowing direct contact.

Ok, had the locks changed today and even installed a deadbolt on my bedroom door so that I can lock it up tight. I wrote him a NC letter that fuller outlines things since my first one just said dont come in the house anymore. Please read it and tell me if it is a good NC letter:

Dear Steven,

I am asking you to respect my decision to separate myself completely from you. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Lisa, and I simply cannot be around you any longer knowing that you are with her. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions. As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Lisa, I will be willing to break my no contact with you.

I have already sent you an email that expressed my desire to be left alone, but I want to outline the boundaries even further so there is no misunderstanding. First, your email has now been blocked from my account. This means I will no longer be accepting correspondence from you. If you need to contact me with concerns over Owen or finance, please email my brother with the details and he will then relay the pertinent information to me. He will also relay any important information from me back to you.

Next, you are not welcome in the home while I am in here. On the week night that you have visitation, you need to call me and let the phone ring once to signal that you are here. I will leave out the back door so that you may enter through the front door. When I arrive home for the evening, I will call you with the same signal so you may walk out the front door while I come in through the back door. On your Saturday visitations, you need to wait outside in your car and Owen will come to you. When your visitation is over for the day, you need to drop him off without entering the house. Any violation of this boundary will result in a change in our current visitation agreement. Our visitations agreement is working well for Owen, so please try and keep it that way.

Since this is now my home, I will not be leaving for any weekends. You are still welcome to make arrangements to have Owen your one full weekend a month, but just not in the home. I also want to remind you that it is in his best interest for you not to introduce any women that you may be dating until at least 1 year after the divorce and it is a committed relationship. We both agreed to these terms and I am holding you to this for Owen’s emotional health. Please do not make this process any harder by breaking that agreement.

I am no longer willing to discuss the terms of our divorce outside of mediation. You may schedule an appointment anytime after January 4 and I will be there. You can email Jeff with the details or have Susan’s office contact me.

I will not answer your phone calls or respond to your text messages. If there is an emergency concerning Owen, you can text me with 911 and I will contact you then, and only then.


We have agreed to alternating visits to Owen’s counselor. The agreement was that which ever parent takes him must send an email to the other parent. Since you took him the last time and I have NOT received an update, please make sure you submit the information concerning his emotional health to Jeff in no less than 24 hours. Just because I am no longer willing to let you in my life under these current circumstances does not mean that we still should not co -parent. I have always kept you informed on his health. I expect the same courtesy in return.

We have both honored our financial agreement concerning the joint account. Just because I am now trying to find healing in my life does not mean that this current financial situation should change. If it does, I will be forced to seek legal council and that is not my goal. Our terms have been working so far, so please do not make this ugly just because I no longer want you in my life under these current conditions.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. It is too painful for me to have any kind of contact with you while you continue to disrespect me by maintaining an affair. If the affair ends, then I would be willing to once again talk with you, but only if the affair ends.



I have NOT sent this, I am waiting to hear if you think it is good or not. I want to send it as soon as possible. Thank you all for your help in this matter.

I say,



SEND IT.


SB