I have been reading several things on this site/board, not hip to the acronyms yet as its only been 2 days. I've printed out basic concepts for hubby and I to read together and also printed out a copy of EN for both of us to do.
This is going to be extremely long !
So I guess I'll get to my intro and onto the point.My husband is 21. I'm 26, this is my second marriage. I got married when I was 16 I had my son at 18 and we separated when he was 2. It was a very loveless and abusive both physically and mentally, but I was young and didn't know anything but him and didn't want to go back to "mom and dad" I do not regret it in anyway because I have my beautiful boy and learned a great deal about who i was and what I wanted out of a relationship. I went through a few other relationships all abusive and controlling as well. I had swore off men until I met my now husband. We were friends at first and it turned into a great deal more after a long night talking to each other about the things we wanted/expected in a relationship. Then we were inseparable I fell hard for him. We were serious very early on because that was what we both wanted.
Then the lies started and each time he'd swear to me that he'd never lie to me again, he was so sorry he'd hurt me blah blah blah. I'd forgive him, only to catch him in another lie. I'll spare the details and fast forward to him joining the Air Force, proposing to me, getting married and moving. Everything was like a fairy tale. Then I started catching him in little lies that escalated into big lies. Then he'd say "i don't lie to you anymore" la da da da......I'd give him the benefit of the doubt because I didn't want to believe that he actually was AGAIN!
We've been together almost 3 years and married since july 07. In August he went on a 2 week TDY (temporary assignment) which we had talked about a lot before he left because I just knew we were going to have problems but he'd assure me and say its not going to be any different then when I'm home. Maybe I should have also mentioned that I was 7 months pregnant at the time.
First night he's gone he calls to let me know he's going to have dinner and will call when he's done. HOURS go by I call him, my call is ignored numerous times. Voicemails were checked but he'd not call me back until midnight that night (it was 230am here) To tell me o i went to a baseball game...geez thanks you didn't think to atleast let me know so I'm not sitting here worrying about you ?? This went on the next night too, this time it was a movie. Next night same thing...etc etc. You get the point. I'm a wreck here at home crying uncontrollably, having contractions, wondering whats going on. We talk about it one night and I'm thinking ok he's going to put me first so he calls me and the first thing out of his mouth is "I'm checking in, going to watch a movie" So i tell him that was very rude and it hurt my feelings...that was it. I changed our answering machine for him the next time he called to "I'm checking out" took my son to chuck e cheese and tried to enjoy myself and forget about him. He called me repeatedly that night and we had several discussions about how he was acting and such and I told him I couldn't deal with it. He was out acting "single" while I was sitting at home in pain from both the pregnancy and him while taking care of a 7 year old...who saw mommy crying everynight. He promised me things would get better, he'd try harder, asked if we could go to counseling blah blah.. I really thought things were heading into a positive direction. Then the next night, the same friggin thing he'd gone out to dinner said he'd call when he got back. Nothing.....I left him a msg saying I was done, tired of playing games that I wanted a divorce. He calls me at 6am that morning (he had work) and apologized for having me worry that he'd fallen asleep. I believed him.
Like 2 days later some more crap i'm sure I ended up in labor and delivery at the hospital because my contractions kept coming and I was stressing so much. After that he called more.
He came home and we were "working" on things, I had got several marriage books for us to read together and I thought we'd be much stronger together. My birthday was that day and he was amazing.
Two days later my world was turned completely upside down.
I received the statement from the government card while he was TDY. He pulled out several hundred dollars while he was gone (for 2 weeks) and also pulled out money at a strip club. I was devastated, I couldn't believe it, I didn't want to believe it. I then took off my ring left it on top of the statement circled the strip club and left. Drove around which led me to his work, but he was on his way home and passed by me on his way. I got out the car and slapped him a few times (probably not the smartest thing for me to do)
My stupid husband swore he didn't go, that he would never do anything to hurt us or our family. I wouldn't let it go I kept at it and eventually hours later at our house he admitted it and I hit him and hit him!!! I have no idea how many times he actually went to this strip club, but I do know the time I "caught" him was the day after we were "supposed" to be working things out. I told him I wanted a divorce and did not want to live like this, he begged me to give him at least until our daughter was born to prove to me that he is going to try harder.
So I've given him that chance. We talk every other day about everything. He's told me that he's going to be the husband that I have always deserved. He has been reading several books on marriage, buys me flowers every payday, leaves little i love you notes around the house....i could go on and on the things he's doing. I really haven't given him much credit, I just get onto him about what he could be doing more...as far as reading more or what have you. Whenever he reads we talk about what he read. This morning I did tell him I was sorry that I didn't believe him when he told me he read yesterday, I think he appreciated that. The past few days I have been showing him more that i love him. But I am just so afraid that once he gets deployed again (in may for 4 months) or once it seems as though i've forgiven him that something like this is going to happen again or the lying will start again. Is there anything we can do to salvage our marriage and keep this from happening? How can I begin to trust him? How do I get past this hurt and begin to heal ? I have more questions but my daughter is demanding to be fed now (she is 3 weeks old) Please any thoughts or help I am willing to try anything....and I am hoping my husband truly is also.
THank you
Last edited by LoveHim4Life; 11/15/08 01:32 AM.
