I’ve put it in numbered form just because I wrote it out that way trying to sort out my thoughts:

Here’s our situation.

1) I’ve lost our savings on the stock market. This has caused a lot of stress in our house over the last month

2) My wife travels a lot for work. She works and travels with groups of men and women. I usually have lots of info about where and whom she is staying with (this trip I didn’t have so much info).

3) This trip there are fewer people travelling. Then, the day before trip I learn that only one other travelling.

4) The man travelling has worked with my wife for the last 15 years and they have a high level of professional respect for each other. Man is also recently divorced.

5) On morning wife is travelling I see email on my wife’s notebook titled “Friday Night” from the traveling man. I make mental note, but think nothing of it.

6) I am at my work and wife is doing final preparation for leaving. She mentioned via email that her flight arrives at 2 am or something and about needing a hotel. I remembered the “Friday night” email but my wife was not at home for me to ask about it – something was bugging me and I wanted to follow up with her before she left (she would be gone by the time I got home from work). I expected to joke with her about her level of secrecyabout this trip and how it might appear to someone that she was planning a rendezvous – I was floored when she told me, non-chalantly, that she had booked a hotel room at the airport for her and her travelling companion – one room two beds.

7) She changes the reservation immediately after we talk and says she just did it that way because they arrive at 2am and have to leave early for meetings. She didn’t see any problem because of the two beds. She says she was just about to send me the reservation information when I called.

8) I call her back a few minutes later telling her that I felt there was a secrecy element here and that bothers me. If I wouldn’t have asked specifically about it I may never have known….

9) She is very offended. She stresses that the confirmation for the hotel was only 30 minutes old and that she was about to send it to me. She says I’m projecting my issues onto her. She says she feels I don’t trust her. She says that the hotel plan was because of a change in travel arrangements made just that morning and she had an email trail that she could send me if I wanted to see it. She says the “Friday night” email I saw was part of that email thread.

10) She has to leave for the airport and I’m late getting off work and I have to get the kids to their after school activities so we each hung up with things unresolved. She is mad and hurt and I am scared.

11) The next day I remember that all her email forwards to hotmail so I sign onto her hotmail to checkout the thread I saw earlier to help clarify things in my mind. The thread has been deleted.

Now my wife is away until tomorrow afternoon and I have no idea where we stand. She does not see my point about the inappropriateness of booking a room together. She would never ever cheat she says. Everything I say she sees as accusatory, or questioning her integrity. And she says she changed the reservation as soon as I said it bothered me so why do I keep on about it? But it bothers me that she could even consider doing that. How do I talk to her about this? I don’t know why I’m venting here or if will do any good, but I have no one I can confide in.

Thanks for listening,

You are being gaslighted my friend.

There is nothing wrong w/ the way you are behaving.

Your response was NORMAL for a guy who just found out his W was going to spend the night w/ another man.

She is trying to get you to doubt yourself... Trying to get you to think there is something wrong w/ YOU in order to get you to back off from what is in all likelihood an affair.

I'm sorry.

But, you've come to the right place. We can help you.

Put a keylogger on her computer and find out what exactly is going on....and for how long it has been.

Read everything you can here, and DO NOT tell her about this place!!!!!

Read these links:

A Strategic Plan For Newly Betrayed Spouses:


SPYING 101

How long have you been married?

How many kids and what are their ages?

What kind of company does your W work for?

You are right not to trust someone with such sloppy boundaries. She is a walking affair waiting to happen. I have worked with mostly all men for 19 years for Fortune 500 companies and we would never ever, ever, never DREAM of sharing a room. Professionals do not do that.

Your wife is either having an affair or has such collosal stupid judgement that one is just right around the corner. The people that proclaim they will never have an affair are usually the ones to have them because they observe no boundaries and have such poor judgment with those of the opposite sex.

Regardless, she is way too close to this coworker and has no sense of proper professional boundaries. THIS IS NOT HOW PROFESSIONAL WOMEN BEHAVE IN THE WORKPLACE.

Her "offense" and objections are very weak SMOKESCREENS and should fool no one. She is trying to make you FEEL DEFENSIVE about your very appropriate objections to her UNPROFESSIONAL BEHAVIOR. I am not impressed.

Rule #1....

Ever word she utters will be a lie.

Get....

Keylogger
Digital voice recorder

No one, and I mean no one would find her hotel arrangement appropriate. It's is actually comical. Don't let her hose you.

Additionally, women who behave with loose boundaries at work put their career in great jeopardy because they are not well regarded by their peers. In order to be respected by male collegues it is important to not ever behave with questionable boundaries. I KNOW what these guys say about women who behave like that. It is not flattering and does not help her career.

I very much agree that you should start quietly snooping on her. I smell an affair in the woodpile.

Can you discretely backtrack on her movements via her company?

If she's having an affair, you will not be able to reason w/ her. Nor will you get the truth out of her.

Which is why you must spy.

Once you know what you are dealing w/ you will be able to take ACTIONS that will end her affair.

Yep, I agree with everyone else...silent snooping. My husband always has the same reaction as she did. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "don't you trust me?" Nope, not when you act like that...

Keylogger, digital voice activated recorder in the house and hidden in her car.

I won't, but I so much want to print out this thread and show it to her. She did have me doubting myself and feeling bad about challenging her even though the things I was saying were common sense.

The whole thing is just so stupid. If she wanted to cheat, she could easily. I have no way to police her. If they wanted to cheat, there's nothing stopping them from booking two rooms and sleeping together in one.

I have to put kids to bed, but thanks for the replies and I'll have to digest your postings.

Married = 16 years
Kids = Boys 7 and 4

FridayNight,

I am sorry to have to agree with the others. Yes, as Marshmallow said, you are being gaslighted. Very few waywards will fess up when confronted. MINE denied even when I showed him the PI's video and made him listen to a copy of OW's lovey-dovey voicemail! Do not expect the truth from her anytime soon.

And I'm glad MelodyLane pointed out that "THIS IS NOT HOW PROFESSIONAL WOMEN BEHAVE IN THE WORKPLACE." As a professional woman with nearly 30 years in a variety of industries, I can attest to that. But I saw my share of the unprofessional kind. And without exception, there were always others in the organization who knew exactly what was going on.

I would bet that most of her long-term coworkers know what she's doing, since she and OM have worked together for 15 years. Somebody noticed the slide from professional to unprofessional behavior. Do you know any of them? Well enough to know which, if any, would ALSO like to see an A between them broken up?

You MUST get more information, and come up with a Plan. We can help you with the Plan, but only you can get the scoop.

RHW

Don't forget that although affairees think they are Einstein and you are a m o r o n, it is their stupidity that gets them caught.

Sharing a room? That is so far over the line it is unbelievable.

When I first began to suspect my W of an A, she always turned it around - "What? Don't you trust me? Why do you have to be so paranoid?"

Why? Because I was right.

This is perfectly understandable.

But, you NEED to keep this place from her, so that we can help you formulate plans to save your marriage and your family.

Also, you have to try to resist the desire to "get her to understand" your POV.

She will only continue to lie and gaslight you.

Waywards become aliens. People that LOOK like your spouse, but behave like people you don't know.



Nothing waywards do MAKE SENSE.

But, they all do follow the same script.

Has she called you since she left?

You are SO TOTALLY RIGHT to be concerned and to not trust her on this.

It's a paradox isn't it? If my wife is cheating she is going to lie to my face, but if my wife is going to lie to my face I don't want her as a wife, yet if there is any chance of recovery I have to accept the lies...for now.

Yes, the unprofessionalism just floored me. More so because my wife didn't/doesn't see it. So unlike her. As I said, I expected us to laugh about it when I raised my concerns originally. Instead I physically felt my eyes bulge in my head as I stared at the phone. There are several others she works with who have had inappropriate relationships over the last 10 years, and yes, everybody knows soon after.

I don't know any of the people she works with well enough to raise the issue, but snooping I can do. I'll start with email as soon as she gets home.

Yes, she's called twice since she left. Yesterday evening from the airport to say good night to the kids and this evening after finishing meetings. The only thing that has changed since yesterday is that the "Friday Night" email thread has been deleted from her Hotmail account. I didn't bring this up on the phone though. I'll wait until I have my hands on her notebook.

Please get and read the book Surviving An Affair.

Your question isn't a paradox - it is outright moot.

Read the book.

If you accept the premise that all cheaters lie and then adopt the stance that you don't want a liar for a wife, you have painted yourself into a pretty small corner.

My FWW lied and lied. Eventually the lies stopped.

The two go hand in hand.

It is recommended that you don't make any life altering decisions until 6 months after D day.

The thing is, even if you decide you don't want your M, you will still want to get custody of your kids and break up the A to keep OM away from your kids. So, you have to travel down this road no matter what you decide later.

Start keeping a journal. Record what you do for your kids...what you've done for the kids this weekend. How many times she called for them. Keep dates. Just write facts in it. Leave out emotions and judgments.

Hopefully, you won't need it, but it is better to be prepared in case you do.


There is.

Hey, there! Sorry you had to join this group of folks who have stood in your shoes, but we are a pretty good group. One of the first things you have to know is that there are none of us here that have not been lied to, or if it would be a repentant WS, been the liar. If you have read much on here, you will learn, that our WS's seem to have become folks that we don't even know, I have made the statement that mine was temporarily insane, others think a mother ship beamed their WS up and back, creating an alien. Her lies are all in the WS Playbook, so to speak. She is already talking the WS talk to you. Please, don't make any life altering decisions for a good 6 months. My H had a long distance EA, and once I found out, I was ready to cut him loose. Glad I didn't. Just hang tough with us, work the plans and make your decision later. GF

FN, when you do get your hands on her lap top, I would install a keylogger that emails you a report every day and is undetectable. A good one is eblaster at ww.spectorpro.com. you can buy it, download it on your own computer and copy it to a disk and install on her computer from the disk. It will email you daily reports along with her emails. That way you can see what she does when she thinks you are not looking.

Some food for thought: