My wife and I have been married for 14 years. Last week Monday she told me that she has been having an affair for the past 4 months. She said that she didn't feel any love from me. I know that we didn't have a perfect marraige, but I thought we had a good one. I know you all understand the pain. On Thursday we saw a marriage counsler. He suggested that we start coming in seperately($125) for awhile. After my wifes session on Friday she broke off her affair. I know that we are only a week into this, but I don't know what to do. All the counsler says is take it one day at a time. He doesn't really give me advice, just that he is buying time. In the mean time, my wife is here, but she is not. I don't think that she has had any contact with him, but she says that she loves him, and not me. She doesn't know if she will ever love me again. I just tell her that I love her, tomorrow will be better, and that everything that I have read says that it will be a better marriage later. She doesn't want to hear any of this. It is so hard that I have her next to me and she doesn't want me to touch her, she gives nothing back in terms of affection. She says that she doesn't want to say I love you if it isn't true. I feel like I am walking on eggshells, not to say the wrong thing, or she might leave. I love my wife, but I don't understand why I am begging her to stay. I don't mind begging, but it seems as though she should be coming towards me a little bit. She says that she is trying by not seeing him. Today I thought that I was starting to melt the ice, after a nice day together. I stopped by a motorcycle place, as she told me she has an interest in learning how to ride. After we left I asked if it had to do with him, and she said yes. I cried and she got mad and yelled at me. That she is trying to hold it together for me, but that I cry at the drop of a hat. I asked her to put herself in my shoes, she says that she has looked at it from my side, and its no different than what she is going through. I think it is. I have loved this woman for the last 15 years. We have been together since we were 19. She is in bed right now crying about him. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am have a breakdown. The rest of my world falls apart without her love. My boss is thinking about family medical leave, but I can't afford it. Especially not with 3 sessions for me and 3 for her next week. I am already paying the counsler more than I make in a week. That being said, if I can have my wife back I will pay anything. My 11 year old and I are trying so hard, but we don't know how. Please help me help her. I just want my wife back.

Chuck - calm yourself.

Your reactions are NORMAL

Your wife's reaction is also normal.

She will go through withdrawal just like she's hooked on crack.

I suggest READING the Infidelity FAQ's here

Ordering "Surviving an Affair" as well as "Fall in love, stay in love" and the infidelity DVD and Basic Concepts DVD from this site.

It is ESSENTIAL that she maintains No Contact with the other man and sends him a no contact letter.

READ all the FAQ's on this site. Read as much as you can. To be informed is to be armed.

You MAY also want to click on the notify button and asking a mod to move your thread to General Questions II where you will get much more responses.

The weekends are quiet here.

Welcome to MB.

Thank you for the quick reply, I have read his needs her needs in the last couple of days, but the counsler said that he doesn't like me reading becauseafter a few chapters I felt good, I felt like I understood, but the next day I crashed. I will do whatever it takes though. I love my wife. She is already forgiven, if she would just ask. I don't think that she is so though. Maybe for staying.

chuckt,

This is the worst thing you could have imagined, and it's just happened to you. So sorry to have to welcome you here, but it is a safe place, and one that offers so much help in facing, and conquering, this terrible situation.

Right now, your heart is broken, your head is a mess, and you don't know what to do next. Believe me, we understand. We've been there.

The good news is that, not only have we all survived, but many of us have reclaimed our marriages and are happier in them than we were before because we have followed the Plan offered here, which we will be happy to explain to you, gotten good counseling, and in many cases, gotten support from family, friends, and the good people who populate this site.

Your first order of business is to get ahold of yourself. STOP crying in front of your WW (wayward wife). You do not feel strong, but you must ACT like the man she married. She will only disrepect you more if you grovel and plead. Please do not do those things. If you need help controlling it in this early period, go to your doctor and get anti-depressants and/or anxiety meds. You MUST present yourself in the best way possible, and that includes being in control of yourself. You will need to THINK, not fall apart, if you are going to have a hope of turning this situation around.

There's plenty more advice to get you started, but you must LISTEN to it. Check in often, and you will see.

In the meantime, try to calm down. Take deep breaths and pull yourself together. Your marriage isn't over yet, there is much you can do. Believe this, and you'll be ready to get started.

chuckt,

Good to know you are already taking steps to get the Plan going. Not sure I agree with your counselor that you shouldn't be reading...you are going to be on this up-and-down rollercoaster ride whether you're taking your power back or not. It's part of the package. You will be encouraged, discouraged, and encouraged again so rapidly that at times you will think you're losing your mind. You're NOT. Learn all you can, as fast as you can.

Good to hear you say you will do whatever it takes. Sure beats curling up and dying, don't it?

Stay with us.

Right Here Waiting


PS: Do not tell your wife that all is forgiven at this point. It's way too soon for that. Just help her maintain no contact with OM as best you can (and check up on her to make sure she STAYS in NC. Most times, it gets broken at least once. Just a warning.)

I agree regarding getting anti-depressants.

Start reading about Plan A to attract your wife back to you.

Peps Plan A thread

Your wife will be in withdrawal for maybe 6 weeks or even longer. Every contact is a setback and re-starts the withdrawal clock.

WHILE she is in withdrawal, start your plan A but don't expect anything from her. Expect NOTHING. You won't make a dent in her until she is through withdrawal.

This MAJORLY sucks but you can get through this.

Again, your wife's reactions as you have described them are not unusual.

Oh yeah - it's entirely possible your counsellor is a total idiot.

Knowledge is power.

It's a ROLLERCOASTER of emotions from one moment to the next and the bumpy ride goes on for 2 years minimum. A marathon not a sprint.

Hey Chuck, sorry to meet you under the circumstances. Please,
try to breathe deeply and know that you are in for a marathon race to restore your family. Please read Pep's plan A..the entire thread, read it twice if you have to. Once you have read it, know that exposure is your best tool. You are in this to win this. That means you have to use every resource available to you. You have to expose quickly and broadly, not out of revenge, but to rally your family and friends around you to help break up the A. So many BS's show up here and are scared to death
to expose the A. Don't let fear destroy your chances of restoring your M. Collect yourself, try your best not to cry in front of her, and be strong. If she won't stand for your marriage, YOU have to. Be strong, my man, be strong. Best wishes, and know that while you run your marathon, your MB buddies are here to pass out the water to refresh you GF

OK yes - I AGREE re:exposure.

Does the OM work with your wife? If so you should contact HR. Be very sure that if they work together, recovery is impossible - she will have to quit her job.

Is the OM a neighbour? If so you will have to move away.....

Chuck you need to dump going to your counselor for $125/session THREE times per week EACH for you and your wife and call Steve for $185. That is $750 in a WEEK...Dear Lord, that is ROBBERY. Steve will help FAR more for WAY less.

chuckt,

" All the counsler says is take it one day at a time. He doesn't really give me advice, just that he is buying time."

Red flag here. What the h*** are you paying this guy hundreds of dollars for then? You don't want to BUY time, you want to use it well!!! I'd suggest ONE or TWO calls to the MB counseling office (Steve or Jennifer). At $195 each, you'd get more from them than a year's worth of this other guy.


right Here Waiting


(Thanks bigk, for posting that link. I haven't figured out how to do that.)

No wonder the counsellor doesn't want you reading books. LMAO

Chuck........

I can relate to the hell your going thru........

The Surviving an Affair book I found at one of the book stores in town... should be easy for you to find...

It's great because it tells you where you and your wife are emotionally and gives you a plan of recovery.......

GET IT TOMMOROW....

By the way the bigkahona,s advise is spot on in my book....

You have found the right place to come for help......

Keep the Faith........

Ha ha ha! We were both posting the very same advice simultaneously!

Take heed, chuck.

"buying time"



Never was there a truer word spoken.

Thank you all for the encouraging words and quick responses. I have told a number of people including both of our parents some friends and a co-worker of my wifes. The ones that she knows of are my family and hers and the co-worker and yes she was furious. The OM was a former coworker, They would go to a park in the car. Sometimes a hotel. He has been fired, not for this, but it continued anyway. I don't think that she is lying right now, but how would I know. She is not a bad person, I don't know what happened to her. I never would have thought this possible. I think about the two of them together and I get so depressed. Not even about the sex, but she gave him MY love. I get upset about the sex too, but that is small potatoes. Someone said that it will take 6 weeks maybe longer, does that mean she will then understand how wrong this all was. I don't think she does right now. When will she start showing affection again. I know that I am asking impossible to answer questions, but you've been here. Thank you all

those new yachts don't come cheap yanno

You're right, chuck, these are questions no one can answer, but for now, just shelve them. You've got work to do! The fact that OM got fired can only help...makes NC a lot easier.

Plan A her, carrot and stick.

And by the way, of course your WW is not a bad person...you would never have married her if she was. She's just make the biggest mistake of her life, just like all our beloved waywards.

There is every chance she will eventually come to her senses. Just be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. If NC is really in place, there's withdrawal to get through, and you'll need to be strong for that.

Hang in there.

It was realistically 6 months before my wife REALLY totally "got it"

The OM, or more precisely, the feelings she had when she was with him are like a drug of addiction - crack for instance. It takes TIME 6-8 weeks during which she will withdraw from him provided there is no further contact. EVERY contact (Text message, Email etc) will reset that withdrawal clock and you start again.

She will be depressed, nasty, withdrawn, ugly during that time.

My wife started showing some affection after 6 weeks. Even then it was forced.

It's going to be a rough ride.