I have an ongoing conflict with my husband regarding his desire to return to school to get a master's and perhaps a PhD, starting next year. Let me first say that I support his goals (he wants to be a research geologist) and find no problem with wanting to further his education. My issue is this: we have been married a little over a year (together for over 5 years), just bought a condo which we both agreed was a good idea, and this past weekend he asked me if it would be okay for him, when back in school, to participate in a study-abroad program... for one year... without me there. I said "Wow, do you hate me that much?" and we later 'compromised' by me reluctantly agreeing to him being gone for a month or two out of the year when he is in school and (supposedly) later working in the field.

We've had relatively few conflicts thus far, and no emotional issues as far as I can tell, but him returning to school has been an unresolvable conflict. He will be going down to part-time at work, leaving me as the main breadwinner, and has asked his parents to pay for school, which they agreed to - and yet I have mixed feelings about a few things.

1) I feel like I am holding him back and will become an object of resentment if I don't give in to his every whim regarding school and career.
2) The fact that his parents will be paying for school is good for us financially, but bad for my opinion of him and his ability to provide for HIMSELF, let alone a family one day. Also, he is almost unwilling to compromise when it comes to being a full-time student, as opposed to part-time.
3) Earlier this year, we had discussed having a baby in 1-2 years and both agreed it was a good, solid plan. Now he has put that plan on hold for his schooling. I have fertility issues and am worried the longer we wait, the less likely I will be able to have one naturally.
4) Apparently, he is okay with being away from his wife for long, long, LONG periods of time. This was sprung on me. We both pursue our separate hobbies, spend a healthy amount of time together, and I have always considered him more of a best friend than lover. Why would he think I'd be okay with him being away from me for a whole year WHEN WE ARE MARRIED??? Because of this I'm starting to wonder if he loves me as much as he says he does.

I have no idea what to say or do anymore regarding this issue. It seems he is putting his career (or school) before his family and thinks he can still live the 'bachelor' life: few responsibilities, no one to answer to. In the meantime, my personal goals are being 'postponed' or cancelled so he can have what he wants, on his schedule. I have asked him if he would do the same thing for me, sacrifice so much so I can pursue my goals, and he didn't exactly say yes. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me; he's a good man, and I love him truly. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I understand what you might be going through. It might be early for your husband to think about living far away from you while you just got married. It could be an old dream of his and he could not fit it in a better way, or he might be thinking that competing in the market requires him to seek higher education. He has a promising career as a geologist and he might be thinking of a better career or lifestyle. However, he needs to stop and think it wisely before taking further step. He did not start and there are no commitments for him to study abroad or start next year. Graduate studies bring home tough times.

Probably you did not discuss it enough before letting him take this decision. You need to open the discussion with him seriously to put down together the pros and cons of his education in terms of cost and benefit, now and in the future, and how would this reflect on your marriage, your relationship, and you since you will be the one who is sacrificing taking full responsibility earning for this house. Does he know what he wants to do after gaining his degree? I know that researchers do not earn a lot of money, but if he has something in mind like working in the oil industry, for example it might have a different story.

When you set down to talk get prepared to cover all your concerns and how you both will be doing it if he insisted to go for it. Let him know that you do not like him staying away from you for a year; however, you do not mind him taking a summer training or fellowship where you can join him for part of it. If he convinces you about his degree then you might have to encourage him but do not take over his responsibilities. Before he starts school set together and put plans for leading the household, let him get involved and share with you chores and responsibilities. Do not fill-up for him if he did not do his tasks, enjoy vacations and weekends. Also, suggest that he gets fellowships, scholarships, or research assistantships. It will make him work, earn, and keep his practice. This will make him feel that he brings home money and he is in the struggle with you.

Before going for his degree, browse together all the options out there for him. For example, the online education might be an option saving his job and his earnings. Going part-time would save his job and practice. He needs to be sure if he wants only master or PhD to better plan for it. If he wants PhD then no need to go for a master to save two years time and expenses.

Let him know that you too have dreams and you want to achieve your objectives. Ask him about his proposal on how to fit-in your dreams in his plans. Discuss with him the time to have your baby, any possibility for someone to help you since you need to keep your job to hold the house. There are many things you need to plan together before he go for it letting you there alone thinking and holding up.

Both of you need to believe on your plans and support it, he needs to know what he wants and how to get it without hurting you, or postponing your relationship and marriage commitments. Let him know that you will facilitate it for him and stand by him. Have vision for your life in the next 5 years.

I hope I am being helpful, it is hard to advise you while not living the whole experience as you; you know your life better and all you need is faith with some support observing different options. I am sure that with love, as you told me replying to my post, you will find a way.

How old are you both?

Any marriage in which either spouse puts career first is going to end badly, sooner or later.

A couple of months a year away from my wife? I wouldn't dream of it. That's one reason why active military personnel shouldn't start families.