Aphelion - I agree.

But as a woman, I always try to have charity towards the person that did the betrayal. Now I realize that it isn't a healthy way to think.

Charity begins at home?

Charity wrt cheating is refraining from taking the cheater apart?

Charity is letting her go, actually.

And never having anything else to do with her.

Charity is your son giving her the majority of what she wants. All he he has left to ethically give her, actually: her complete freedom.

The charity she wants that he should not grant her is him feeding her more cake, which she in fact also wants.

She will try to ooze back into his life, you know. He needs to get far away and make that repeat scenario impossible.

At their ages, it all pretty dramatic.

I agree with you, and I think she will try to ooze back into his life. They really got along fine and seemed to be well-matched.

I'm going to talk to him.

Well, she is wanting to get back with him.

I thought that they hadn't talked since yesterday, but they HAVE.

I was calm and he was very open. But I'm really afraid she will be back.

Is your son familiar with the types of requirements that are commonly given to WS's wanting to come back home? Like in a PBL?

Knew it!

How about print out this thread for him to read?

Perhaps have him spend a few days on the Living Together Before Marriage forum: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=4&page=1

And he should read the MB articles about how it's always a bad idea.

Does he have a copy of BRF?

This thread really takes the wind out of my sails. Maybe we should just let the cheaters have extra people on the side.

From a purely intellectual POV, I can see that I should let my girl have other guys if she still likes me. Of course, the monkey part of my brain says no way.

In effect, that's what plan A and B do, not because people should cave and not try 2 convince them not 2 behave that way, but because nobody can control anybody else. And if the WS is inclined 2 cheat in spite of the efforts of the BS 2ward recovery, then they simply are. This is about letting go.


I don't think it's even this simple. Unrestrained relationships can produce progeny or worse, creepy crawlers.

-ol' 2long

2Long,



Hey I figured our how to do a quote. I'm wondering if this just makes it a technical problem for you. We could address the disease problem and for me at least on the progeny side I've been thinking of getting fixed. My WW was not able to have any more kids after the twins because they removed her uterus to keep her from bleeding to death. Now, of course, I could make more children but I really think I don't want anymore.

Back to the point. If we could fix the disease and kids issue, should we just let the cheater have other people? I'm pretty sure I couldn't deal emotionally but maybe that is my problem. My WW was not nice to me when she was cheating but it seems that some are. It actually seems pretty common for cheating husbands to be loving and nice to their wives.

Actually, it is very common. It’s the usual case. All infidelity experts except Harley agree most affairs happen in otherwise good marriages.

The Missing EN = An Affair theory is a face-saving approach for initiating recovery. It is for the benefit the WS. It is a way to have them try some reconciliation without feeling guilt or responsibility. IOW, let them believe their ENs made them do it.

Of course, the BS has to have a lobotomy to make it all work.

And when they cheat before marriage (as in living together) or during the honeymoon period after marriage (the first one or two years) the BS needs to get out. Even Harley recommends so!

Aphelion,

I'm just wondering, I have heard women talk about the husband who cheats but comes home to them because he loves them. Maybe that is a more realistic attitude. I'm not in a great place emotionally myself but I can see that it might be reasonable to just let the A happen honestly so at least there are no lies. Of course if the cheater isn't still contributing enough to the M then maybe it's time to call it quits.

Well, she oozed back in.

She was very afraid that I would hate her, but I don't. She has been with my son all day, and they are talking about Thanksgiving.

I talked to him till I was blue in the face, but she is back. In fact, she is wanting to do more things than they did for the last 2 weeks.

Any chance she would be willing 2 call the Harleys before she comes back?

Seems 2 easy otherwise.

6:

That's called "polygamy" or "open marriage" or maybe just plain infidelity.

Why would you want 2 be with someone who's affections are divided like that?

It ain't for me.

-ol' 2long

2Long, Believer;

I was wondering why you think your son should even try to accept this? I would be telling my son to get rid of her. Dating is the time when we interview people for promotion to spouse, seems like she just flunked the interview.

I tried like crazy to fix my marriage, not the smartest ways but I did try hard. I think your son is getting ready to sign up for a very difficult road and it is all feelings driven. Feelings change over time, he needs to run his life based on his intelligence.

Believer,

Have you told you son to dump her, or has his dad told him that?

If your son won't LISTEN to you, buy the book THE ONE for him.

And keep talking to him until you are even more blue in the face. Don't give up.

This all sounds wayyy to familiar, "believer".

When my FWW broke the news of her first cheating to me, she said that it "didn't mean that she loved me any less". She also was very sorry that it happened, and spent the next six months, at least, doing all sorts of things to show she really loved me and was very, very sorry for what happened. And I looked at that, rather than at the basic fact that, by her cheating, she had already proved that we would not make good partners, that there was something missing - that "glue" that not only pulls us together, but drives us to truly "forsake all others", particularly when someone else threatens the relationship. My FWW gave in to the FIRST guy that showed more than just passing interest, and she admitted that didn't actually feel anything for him - a sure sign that the "glue" simply wasn't there, as far as she was concerned.

I think you really need to engage your son in this, before he makes a mistake that he will later regret. It's NOT enough that he loves her. For the relationship to be truly successful and rewarding, there has to be love, trust and commitment from BOTH partners.

While I'm trying to make the best of my M now, as I still do have some feelings for my FWW and there are children involved, I doubt that there will ever be a day that I do not think about how my life would have turned out if I had walked away that first time. Unfortunately there's no way to get those years back.

Your son doesn't want to find himself in this position, believe me.

He has read the book "The One".

I will try some more. Didn't really get to talk to him yesterday, because she was around all day.

And his dad is dead. His older brother is trying to talk to him, and they are best friends.