My wife (19 years, two sons) has been cheating on me off and on for the past year and a half. The twist is...it's with another woman. A best friend who became a lover. She confessed one year ago and agreed to never see her again. This didn't happen. Wife moved out 4 months ago to another city (near her "lover"). We're separated but not divorced.

I am taking care of our boys...and taking care of her financial needs also. She calls her boys almost every night and I speak with her. I am trying to be supportive.

She is still the Love of my life.

She recently told me that she knows her relationship with the OW can't last. They both agree it will end as they profess that neither one is a lesbian and the OW wants a family. My wife has told me that she cannot see herself with any other man but me and if I'm still around when her affair ends she thinks we could be a family again.

In May I will be moving to the same city to take a job there.

I have a condo which my wife is living in..she agrees that I will move in with her...but it may just be to have her boys back with her again. She doesn't know if she will ever be able to be intimate with me again...and for that matter..neither do I.

Advice? Thanks

I hope she will be honest with the future father about her lesbian tendancies.

Don't you think that by helping your wife financially that you are prolonging this? Also how can both of them not consider themselves lesbians?? Your wife left her children and moved to another state to be with a woman???

Sorry your wife is not just confused....she went completely over to the Dark Side. Even if she comes back for some reason....it doesn't mean she is no longer a lesbian.

Yes. Stop being a doormat.

Why are you financing your W's A? Why did are you allowing her to live in your condo and why are you taking care of her financial needs when she's not participating in the M?

BD79, what she's doing now is called "cake-eating" - she's getting her needs met by both you and this OW, and will continue to do so as long as you continue to act like a doormat.

So, my advice is:

1. Ask her to leave the condo, and either come home to you, or go live somewhere else. Sell the condo even, so living there is no longer an option for her.

2. Cut off all financing of anything that has to do with her A, like rent for new place (if she moves), for example. The only "finances" that you should agree to pay for her are those that have something to do with the M.

You are not helping to end this affair.

You need to not let her live in your condo.
Don't take that job and move in with her. It' one thing to know your WW is having SF with another woman. But you can ignore for the most part because you are not living together. As soon as you move in the first night that she is not home you will not be able to ignore she's off doing the OW.

You will also be giving her daily live access to get her children back. Do you realize that once you move back in she can say all kinds of lies to the police, get you thrown out of the house, file for separation and file for soe custody?

Stop giving her cake, she is only a cake eater. Cut her off financially. Get her out of your condo. Go NC with her as long as she continues her affair. Do plan B today.

Bulldog,
The above posts are very true. You are the agent of your own destruction here. If you finance her affair, you are giving her no incentive to ever return to your marriage. She gets the thrill and excitement of her affair partner, and she gets you, Mr. Moneybags to finance her life.
Essentially you are being a doormat for her to walk all over. She even told you directly that you were #2, and when she eventually ends the affair, she'll come back to you and pick up where she left off. Here's the catch though. Women don't respect or desire weak men. If you wait this out and she returns to you under those circumstances, I guarantee you that it will happen again.

You don't sound like a weak man though. Just a guy who needs a push in the right direction. So here is what you do to be strong for your kids and give your marriage the greatest chance of success.

1) Talk to a lawyer about custody. It doesn't sound like your wife has much contact with your kids. This could probably be considered abandonment. Find out what you have to document in order to get primary custody in the event of a divorce. That is a possibility that you must accept.

2) Tell your wife that you will no longer make yourself financially responsible for her adultery. Tell her you will support her financially when she starts acting like your wife again. Stop giving her any money to live off of, and unload that condo if you have to. Either that or just have the locks changed one day.

3) Lay out your requirements for her return to the marriage. What will you need from her to feel that she is committed to recovering your marriage and never letting this happen again?

You can't continue to chase after her like you are. She will string you along while you endure a very slow death. If you stop chasing and let her smack up against that wall of real life, you will finally be in a position to change the status quo and hopefully restore your marriage.

Btw, its a terrible idea to take a job and move to the same city as your WW and OW. Make her come back to you.

Up Date....

I hear all your advice...and I agree..to some extent to what you say.

I cut off all communication with my wife. She still talks to her boys but I refuse to talk to her. I worked with the woman she is having an affair with for 3 years. I KNEW this woman was selfish and self-centered! I Knew it was only a matter of time before this relationship would end....

New Development.

MY wife has discovered her "lover" is having an relationship with another MAN..WOW..guess she isn't a lesbian (maybe bi). So my wife is devistated...

She's crying to me on the phone...sorry that she left her boys..but says I shouldn't expect...anything..when I see her in 4 days (bringing me and my boys in for Christmas)

......so, let me have it...

P.S.

Andrew 3!

Your advice had been most helpfull! Thank-you!

Hey there bulldog,

Have you read through the SAA book recommended here?

Specifically what is entailed with Plans A and B.

Why are you moving to the city she and her Lesbian lover are living??? What are the odds of this not re-occuring again....how about 100%. Get her away from the OW or this will never end. She should be the one that moves back to the family.

Flynn,
I don't think he is moving up there. I think he is just going up there with their kids to visit for Christmas. It looks like he took that bit of advice from MB last year not to move to the city.

Bulldog,
Are you still financing her life away from your family? Does she work or does she still stay in the apartment that you pay for? Now that her relationship with OW has ended, you may be in a position to get her back finally, but take great care in how that happens. If you just let her come back, without setting ground rules for recovery from her betrayal (don't sugar coat it), she will not understand that what she did was wrong. She will feel, on a very basic level, that her relationship with OW was justified in that it allowed her to "find herself" or some nonsense like that. It is up to you to force her to understand just how wrong her actions were, and you do that by setting the bar high, as CV55, would say.

But given that wasn't just normal adultery, but a foray into lesbianism, have you spoken with a lawyer about custody in the event of a divorce? What she did would probably constitute abandonment and would strengthen your case with the courts to gain full custody. Protect yourself now, because things may not work out so nicely for your marriage.

Andrew

She has already abandoned you and your marriage. It should not be her choice as to whether or not she will be intimate again. Cut her off financially, don't speak to her, and let OW find man and dump your WW. When this fantasy world comes crashing down, guess who she will return to (if you let her).

Everything that happens in the next near future needs to be on your terms.

Methinks you should call the Harley's for some help negotiating your WW's path back to the marital home.

Think about it...

This is the only way that works with a spouse in "the fog"


1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.