Tonight, my wife of 6 months (young isn't it... to be having these kinds of problems) was arguing with me about attraction and cheating and love.

She was arguing that I would never think she was hot or beautiful or sexy and that was always affecting herself and that she always thought i was EVERYTHING she was looking for 100% even though i was insecure about myself. I'm muscular but i'm not satisfied with myself. I love her 100% as a person and would never look for another woman even though I might admire another womans looks - it's a radar we can't turn off and she doesn't understand that.

I was basically trying to convince her that i would never leave her for another woman based on personality or persona, and that I know what she would look like if she lost weight (she's 5.10 220ish pounds and she looks pretty good compared to alot of women) and i'm not looking for or interested in perfect but she never bothers to use the eliptical i bought her. I suppose it's just one of those women things that they never get over but she obviously has extremely low self esteem and i can't call her gorgeous or beautiful because of my opinion of the definition of those words and I don't want to get her hopes or expectations up for a couple weeks and then never tell call her by those words again and cripple her self esteem more than it already is.

The bottom line is - i care deeply about her and want her to feel good about herself but i can't lie to her (or anyone for that matter) and it's near impossible for me to get us to meet eye to eye.

Help!!!!!!!!

I'll never forget the moment when my H admitted he wasn't attracted to me when I was heavy after having our son. That he couldn't have sex with me and that he preferred how I looked about 5 years before. It devastated me. To this day my weight often dictates how good I can feel.

My point being... Can you not tell her she IS beautiful without it referring only to her physical body as a whole? Since you cannot lie about this based on your definitions of gorgeous or beautiful, you can tell her she's beautiful and know that for you it's her heart you find beautiful (or whatever). You don't have to clarify what you're referring to that's pretty. If she asks what's beautiful, specifically talk about her eyes or her smile or her laugh or her hands -- what they do to you and for you. Tell her that she makes you feel sexy the way she looks at you, the way she tilts her head at you, or how she's hard to resit when she shows a little leg. I can really understand your W's position as I know I crave to hear my H say he thinks I'm attractive. And there are many ways you can make a woman feel beautiful -- with the right words and with the right actions. It's hard to read that she's already doubting how you feel about her at 6 months into this M so be proactive to make her feel stunning in your eyes regardless of her size.

About the eliptical... Make sure when you encourage her to use it that you're positioning it as you want her to be healthy, not because she's too heavy. Remind her that if she uses it and is fit, she'll feel better, sleep better, etc., and you care about her well-being. And maybe her heaviness has something to do with other factors that aren't easily remedied with excercise alone? Stress? Hypothyroid? Genetics?

Why don't you find activities you can do together? Racquetball, tennis, biking, hiking, walking. Any of these, if done consistently, can take the weight off. And you would be contributing to the 15 hours per week of 'fun time' that Dr Harley recommends you have together.

***edit*** Are you ***edit*** kidding me? Do you even see how emotionally abusive that is???

@Canwemakeit: ***edit*** because I would rather not lie to my wife - maybe you might find that ok but wait till you experience an apocalypse because of that.

@catperson: We usually watch movies together when i'm home or we clean together (odd, i know) and we sleep together! I'm on track

@Looking4: Thanks for that reply. I never looked at it that way. That completely will make things easier for both of us and make her feel alot better about herself.

That probably clears up one of the biggest problems our relationship has had (not even close to gamebreakers in our relationship).

Thanks a bunch!

Could you change any of your "admiring" behavior? Do you "admire" so that other women will find you attractive? Why do you feel the need to "admire" other women?

How are you "admiring" other women? There's lots of ways to admire them, and some could point to the fact that you could be objectifying women.

How far does "admiring" go? Do you "admire" other women in thought when you should be thinking about your wife?

Why did you marry your wife if you have never thought she was beautiful?

somehow I doubt that she has gone from supermodel when you wed to the size she now in just six months.

I would say you need to look inward at why you did marry her. Obviously there was something physical. I mean, I've never met anyone whose first impression was based on thier personality or love making abilities.


You can tell her she is beautiful if you want. That's a choice you have to make for yourself. I can only imagine that if she felt you thought she was beautiful or sexy that she would put more effor out to work on her physical appearance, which would be good for both of you. Start with simple affirmations like "You're so beautiful when you smile" or focus on one physical attribute "You've got sexy legs/eyes/butt/etc."

As her confidence grows, so will your marriage

Go get His Needs Her Needs from the library. Read it together. It will change everything for you.