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My WS is having regrets about the NC email that we sent. It has been 17 days. He says that he feels that he should explain to her.
He says that several times he has typed another email and then deleted it.
He says that he has to finish the A in his own way. He says he resents my Spying on all of his stuff. He wants me to trust him without blocks on the phone and email.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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I found out by looking at his playlist site. I had emailed him a playlist of songs to encourage him. This is when he realized he could send a song to her.
He says that he never sent it.
He says he wants to work on our marriage but he feels that he should be able to discuss it with her.
I keep refusing but he seems to be getting obsessed with the idea.
What should I do?
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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He is wrong. Period. He is wrong.
Look up all the articles about how affairs are supposed to end.
Do not try to educate him.
Tell him that you love him, you want your marriage to work and that it CAN not work with the OW in the picture.
Tell him(as sweetly as you can) that ANY contact with the OW is unacceptable. ANY CONTACT AT ALL.
Remember, he is addicted. That is why he is obsessed. (Just once more, then I'm done. Just let me talk to her, then I'm really done. Really. believe me. Really. Trust Me!!!!!!!) Gag!!!!
The vets will chime in here soon. They will tell you what to say and how to say it.
WH2LE
WH2LE
BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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Don't know about any vets, but I'll chime in.
Yep. NC means NO (none, nada, zip, zilch, zero, nothing, less than any, no allowable number, no significant digits either side of the decimal...) contact for any reason.
He owes her no explanations. She didn't earn the right to one. You earned the right to set terms for unconditional surrender. You allowed him to return to you and try to work this out.
Your terms, not his.
He doesn't have to get it, just agree to it for now. He might get it later...
Mark
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Exactly what Mark said. Absolutely no contact. The A will start up again immediately if contact occurs.
BS - me 56
XWH - 57
12/25/06 - Dday - WH promised NC. Plan A in effect. Thought we were in recovery.
6-3-07 - Dday#2 Found out NC never took place and A never ended. Found MB NC promised again, but WH would not write NC letter.
9/07 - Dday #3. Still lying and sneaking around. Plan B implemented
WH wants nothing to do with me
Divorced as of 12/09 after 36 years
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Absolutely no contact. The A will start up again immediately if contact occurs. Tell me about it. My WW's OM lives 10,000 miles away but the A still persists as both an EA and PA.  Your marriage does not stand one shred of a chance whilst contact with the OP continues. Your husband is unfortunately gagging for his next fix of OW 
Last edited by GH31; 11/17/08 11:37 PM. Reason: spelling error
Me: 36
FWW: 36
1 son born in Dec 2009 - confirmed mine through DNA test
1 daughter born in Nov 2010
Together: 13 years
Married: 10 years
PA/EA: January 2008 to July 2009
FWW left for OM: 01/28/2008
FWW returned for 9 days: 04/2008
FWW returned 05/21/2008
......
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ESSENTIALS FOR RECOVERY No IFS, ANDS or BUTS or like the others are saying there will be a FALSE RECOVERY!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Sorry for the tj Good to see you Miss Mimi...  Mark [/tj]
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Good to see you Miss Mimi... I totally second that... I sure have missed you Miss Mimi... 
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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I posted this from Web MD on my Musings thread back in June: Ten Steps to Recovery:
1) “You have to stop the affair,” says Jamie Turndorf, PhD, a couple’s therapist in New York. “You can’t reinvest in the marriage if you have one foot out the door.”
2) Remember that there will be ups and downs after an affair. “The road to recovery after an affair is jagged, and that is completely normal,” says Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting, The Divorce Remedy and The Sex Starved Marriage.
3) “The person who had the affair needs to be willing to discuss what happened openly if the betrayed spouse wants to do that.” (Weiner-Davis)
4) “The person who had the affair has to be willing to be accountable for his or her whereabouts, even though he or she thinks that may be unfair.” (Weiner-Davis)
5) “There needs to be a willingness to make promises and commitments about the future, that an affair will not happen again.” (Weiner-Davis)
6) The betrayed person should set the timetable for recovery. “So often the person who cheated is eager to put the past in the past, but he or she really has to honor the other person’s timetable.” (Weiner-Davis)
7) “The person who had the affair should examine the personal reasons for straying and what needs to change to avoid temptation in the future.” (Weiner-Davis)
8) As for moving forward, both people in the relationship should take responsibility for building a new foundation. “Both people in the relationship should ask the other what he or she can do to rebuild the connection and what actions should be avoided because they are breaking it,” says Turndorf. “Even the person who was cheated on should say to him or herself, ‘What role did I play in driving you away and what can I do to make you more connected to me in the future?”
9) Try marriage therapy or take a marriage education class. “You really need to find a counselor or therapist who is pro-marriage, and can help get your relationship back on track,” says Weiner-Davis. “Steer clear of therapists who see infidelity as a marital death-sentence – it isn’t.”
The original article had the above nine steps to recovery listed. I add this one:
10) Both partners in the marriage need to commit to following Marriage Builders methods for building a healthy, happy and fulfilling marriage. It will be what happens from now on rather than what you do with the past that will matter most. You can’t fix what happened, but you can fix the relationship so it doesn’t happen again.
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My WS is having regrets about the NC email that we sent. It has been 17 days. He says that he feels that he should explain to her. Fog, fog, fog. Wow, he owes her NOTHING. It's so weird that WS's got to all sorts of lengths not to "hurt" the OP but can't see how much they've hurt the person who really matters. Gotta look like the "good guy". (I'm the FWS btw) He says that several times he has typed another email and then deleted it. And so he should. It's OVER, he needs to get that through his thick head. He says that he has to finish the A in his own way. He says he resents my Spying on all of his stuff. He wants me to trust him without blocks on the phone and email. Absolutely typical foggy WW behaviour. Ha! Why should you trust him. I find that men really don't get this. I got this immediately. I could see EXACTLY why my H needed to do this. Finish the A in his own way? Pray tell, what does that mean to him. One last lingering romantic farewell. One last "I don't want to let you go but I need to do this for my family". It's all just crap. NC means NC. I was there, but looking back I can't believe how I could put the OP first. The OP means NOTHING.
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just another vote for 100% NC
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First off, Thank God your back MiMi. I can't tell you how lost I have felt without you.
If you don't want to post I totally understand. But please feel free to email me at pumkin1754@comcast.net.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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So if I understand what everyone is saying, I stick to my guns no matter what he says.
We have had so many encouraging things happen in the last days. I think that what hurts the most is that I felt so good aout the songs on the list that I sent him..
All of the songs focused on how I would love and support him every step forward.
Now I feel that when he was listening to the songs he was thinking about her.
I told him that both of us should only make decisions based on what would be best the marriage, not either of us as individuals.
The big cue to me that he knows that what he wants is wrong is that he tell his sister what he wants to do.
He tells all of his family that he misses the OP but that he is working on the marriage.
I know that it is early days yet and that he isn't ready to work on the marriage.
Is there some cue that I shouls be watching for that will tell me that he is ready.
I told him last night that I was working for the next 21 years not the last.
"He that respects himself is safe from others; He wears a coat of mail that none can pierce". Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882) U.S. poet.
Plan A
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Yes, stick to your guns, no matter what he says or how he acts.
Assume that he is not in his right mind. This is no comfort to you of course and does not give you much reassurance at a time when you want it so badly. But it is the right thing to do at this moment.
The hardest lesson for me through all of this is that it takes time. And it takes some WS longer than others. I admit that I feel jealous when I read about WS who GOT it right away or at least early on.
You will start to have an idea or feeling of when he is really ready to work on the marriage. Again, this is hard to put into words but I think you should assume that he IS ready to work on the marriage in some way. Even drug addicts can be READY to give up their drug but still have to go through withdrawal. It's one of the nastier consequences of addiction. But each day without contact lessens the "need". Of course, there are always weak periods when it seems that just a "little" of the drug would help. It's the reason Dr. H says NO CONTACT, quit the job if you have to, move if you have to, etc. The same reason that drug adicts have to change their social circle.
It took my H a LONG time for the fog to clear. He ended the A just before I found out. I found out though because he re-contacted the wh***. He heard through the grapevine that she wasn't sleeping and he felt bad for hurting her. I remember SCREAMING at him, "Why haven't you felt bad for all the nights *I* haven't slept this year while you hurt me and I couldn't figure out what was going on?" Sheesh.
After that he never really had a desire to contact her, but he ws still caught up in the "selfish" fog. The one that made him think I was his jailer and kept him from having a great life. When I tell him some of the things he said to me, he is shocked.
Hang in there. Keep coming here for encouragement.
Blessings,
WH2LE
WH2LE
BS(Me)-57
FWH-54
Married-5/26/2001(2nd for me, 1st for him)
DS-30
DD-27
D-Day-05/31/2007
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I agree TOTALLY with Wrkng, Pumkin.
It takes a while for the fog to clear.
My H's WITHDRAWAL lasted a FULL 6 MONTHS..and he wasn't NORMAL until a YEAR..
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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