OMG Ok I need the VETS NOW!

Here is our 1st Plan B crisis or at least it is in my book. My mediators have quit. Here is why and the conversations leading to it. My mediators are mutual friends to H and I. Let me know if you guys think if did something wrong. Gave the mediators info about DS10 game and other info to pass to H. Here is conversation email below.

1ST email to H:
Hi T2L Hubby,
T2L wanted to let you know that DS10 game is Saturday the 22nd at 11 am. In this city at Grace Bretheren High. If you plan on attending please let me know as T2L will not attend so you can watch the game. If you can not attend T2L will so at least one of you is there. Also the house phone is now repaired and on so you can reach the kids.
Please call me if you have any questions.
Thanks
Mediator friend

RESPONSE from my H to the mediator:
Mediator, mediator, mediator!!! NO, NO NO!!! That doesn’t work. Do not get anymore involved in this. I know you are a friend to T2L and are supporting her though this but DO NOT call or email me things like this ever again even if she asks you too! This is how friends become friends no more. She wants to do this her way and use you to get in the middle. I would suggest you tell her you chose not to get involved. I really don’t understand why she would even ask you to do this in the first place. She knows I would react like this a lash out and I will lash out at anyone standing between me and my kids regardless of what I’m doing in my personal life. If I go to MY HOME to see MY KIDS I better not see anyone other than them!!! Its no ones business other than me and my family. No else is paying the bills and supporting them. I do!

RESPONSE BACK TO H FROM MEDIATOR:
T2L Hubby,
If it was me or a stranger , I will obviously respect your wishes. But no need to get crazy!! I was not coming between you and your kids. I thought if you had to communicate through a mediator you would rather a friend and not a stranger. To my knowledge this was outlined in a letter she has given you. If you had a problem with it, all ya Had to do was call me and say so. Either a) you did not read the letter or b) you just waited for me to contact you so you can respond like this... I obviously put myself in quite a position in doing this and would not have done so if I did not care about the situation.. Like I said I will respect your wishes.

Your friend,
Mediator

MEDIATORS FINAL RESPONSE TO ME:
T2L,
Obviously he did not read your letter. I take this as H and I are no longer friends. Which is fine I guess but I will no longer be mediating obviously. nor will he recognize any mediator for that matter.

I tried T2L,
Sorry

OMG so what NOW???? H is not going to respect the mediator no matter who it is. WTF!!!!! Help what now? What do I do if he shows up here at the house? I informed my mediators of everything but they don't feel he'll listen to anyone. Help!

Don't panic. Someone here can be your mediator. One of the vets was nice enough to be mine because I didn't have anyone else. All they need is your email address and his.

You'll be fine. And a vet won't send you all the drama, that's supposed to be filtered out. I suppose it couldn't be avoided by your mediator but once you get a new one you won't have to worry about that anymore.

Don't let him yank your chain, Sugah!

Charlotte

I'll be your med. if you want. I know Neak could help me if I had trouble wording something w/out kicking his buttocks...(hehe)

I totally understand the job...but only if you are okay with it.

We could set up a special email account for it.

His refusal is a ploy to take away any control you have.

Welcome to Plan B.

His reaction is expected. Stay dark. Don't let him unsettle you.

But he was saying all that crap about "She wants to do this her way and use you to get in the middle. I would suggest you tell her you chose not to get involved."

I mean I really think he'll tell any mediator to "F" off and show up at the house and "do what he wants". I think he's depressed by what I wrote on the previous post and his pride is hurt and he's angry. How on earth am I going to get him to talk to a mediator?

Do you think what the friend said was worded wrong. IT just notified him of where and when of DS10's football game and let him know the home phone worked.

This is the hard part. In Plan B, you should not be communicating with WH NOR should anyone be communicating ABOUT him to you, unless it's your intermediary to relay information about visitations, etc. I know that's hard to do when your daughter is reaching out to you about her dad, but it's necessary that you not HEAR anything about WH for now. Can you explain that to her? Is there anyone else she can confide in?

As for WH's little tirade against your intermediary, totally predictable.

Stay dark. Get a new intermediary ASAP. DeLean (sp?) would be a great one!

By giving him no choice.

Every time he tries to talk to you or come to your house, have the med. contact him and say "you didn't do this correctly...if you plan on doing x, y, and z, you need to let me know so I can pass it along to T2."

Period.

"Just the facts...nothing but the facts...no drama allowed."

And the med should re-send your Plan B letter to him with the bits he didn't do correctly highlighted so he can be reminded HOW to do it right.

I would like a mediator located in the Pacific Time Zone so it's easier to make plans with kids etc. or if any news needs to be immediately passed. Anyone want to do this who's in the Pacific Time Zone and be ready to be cussed out and ripped apart by and angry betraying H?

Wow sounds so inviting....sign me up! LOL Gotta find some humor in this especially after that fiasco last night....{{sigh}}

I truly did not see this coming. I thought with his text he sent 2 hours after that he was sad and that would kinda be it. I mean after re-connecting and spending all that time from Oct 3rd to Nov15th that he would not do that. It's like he's going back to the fog again.

Is there anyone here who's H got pissed off like this but in the end was reconciled and came back just wondering.

Yeah but I know him and as surely as I live he's gonna tell you 1 time as surely as sparks fly upward, to take a hike and not answer your calls.

Isn't is funny how someone can be so nice and turn into a gargoyle in an instant?

I mean he's says No one can stand in the way of him and the kids and no one better be there when he visits, what the heck is he talking about that was never said!

Baby, the Wookie spent nigh unto 2+ years pissed off at me for SOMETHING. I dunno what.

Wish I'd have done a good PB (and J - everything is better with jelly). Would've made making up a LOT easier on ME!

I know we have some Cali experts. I'm sure one of them will WAKE UP ALREADY and check your thread.

My H got pissed when I told him I wanted him back. He yelled at me about how much he didn't care for me. I didn't know about MB and the plans (not that I would have been strong enough to do Plan B) but my H would call me 15-20 times a day, one time yelling at me, and the next sad and missing me.

Just from my own experience, I think your WH's reaction is totally to be expected.

I'm sorry you are going through this, you are a strong lady and an inspiration.

It sounds like maybe he is confused about what the role of the intermediary. It sounds to me like he might be thinking you mean to use a mediator to have supervised visitation with the kids.

This is why everyone says to keep the PBL simple and short. I think your letter was great and very clear, but it appears that your H's fogged head has confused what you wrote.

This is a VERY good point!

Could you ask your mediator to make one effort at clarifying this? If not, then I think that should be the first thing the next mediator does (in addition to passing him the PBL again, with certain items highlighted).

Based on his reaction, have you considered filing for a legal separation? If you do so, then you could use an official legal mediator I think. He'd probably pay attention if he received a legal document via certified mail that essentially states the most basic requirements of your PBL, sent by a neutral legal authority.

I think an MB vet is a great choice for a mediator. (Not me, I'm not vet enough and I'm not in the Pacific Time Zone.)

This is a good point, maybe he does think someone is going to be mediating his visit. My letter never said that.

At this point I do not think my friend who is his friend can handle it by his reactions.

{{{sigh}}} This is a bit harder than I thought. I mean I didn't think the staying dark and no contact thing would be too hard, but boy I didn't think he would get angry again ya know after the partial re-connection he had with me.

I have to say this has knock a little wind out of my sails. Not in the fact that I can't do it, I am just a little upset.

T2L, this is typical. Really, it is. My WxH was LIVID that I expected him to go through an intermediary.

According to him, it was his RIGHT to contact me any time he chose. He was wrong. He had certain rights in regards to his children but I was not one of them.

The first few days are the toughest. Stick to it. He's being a naughty child, stamping his feet because it isn't going his way. You took his cake, he's angry.

Just like a naughty child, he will eventually realize that no one cares if he is holding his breath for attention.

Work on another intermediary and batten down the hatches. He will rage and he will storm. Eventually, he will realize it will do him no good.

It DOES get better, T2L. I did not do a tight Plan B and I paid for it emotionally and physically - and quite possibly with the loss of my M.

Hang in there.....

Yes. You are only enforcing *your* boundaries, you aren't encroaching on *his* rights.

Maybe you can make sure your kids understand you aren't saying their visits must be supervised? I dunno, you don't want to start using them as intermediaries, that's for sure.

Bumping for California ppl. Maybe you could post a new thread with a subject specifically asking for California/Pacific coast ppl to reply? You could even post an email address for them to send email to, in case they don't want to go public with their location. You could even create a new email account for them to reply to, so you don't have to post your main email account. You can start a gmail account for free and use whatever username you wish. (www.gmail.com)

That's pretty good....He does have rights to the kids but NOT to me.

{{{Calling Pepperband}}} She offered to mediate for me many pages back in the thread. Looks like i may need to take you up on that offer.


I am a little nervous that he may show up at anytime not sure what to do. Would I just send the kids out the door?

If Pep is willing, I HIGHLY recommend her. She ain't no scaredy cat.

I would not recommend sending the kids with him on a visit that has not been properly set up through a mediator. Otherwise, how would you know where they were going and when they'd be back?

Did you already have a visitation schedule set up for any part of the 5 months, once he was fit to visit again?

If not, no worries - your new IM can take care of that right away.

Deep breath. This is going to be fine.