Plan B is by far way harder at first, but then truly does get easier. It just takes patience, willingness to be strong, stay the course, come on here for support, believe that you are doing what's best for you and your M and ultimately allowing G-d to work his miracle and will in your life.

I wish there was another way. I TRULY DO... But trust the vets who are helping you. They know what they are talking about.

I wish there was another way to but know I don't think there is one.
Can someone again tell me the strategy of Plan B.

Dealan-de, how do I get your email address? Were gonna use all 3 of yous!

Pep, Neak and Dealan-de!

B, I feel bad - I had no idea you wanted to be an IM. You're so calm - I think you'd be a natural.

All you SoCalers, I hope the fires are dying down. I didn't have a chance to watch the news, but they've just got to be getting better. Yesterday, some of the containment was pretty low, like 18%.

T2L:
fer you...

I LOVE your pastor. It's amazing how he's so on board with MB!


Plan B first is to remove yourself from the chaos and get some inner healing. It's relief from the stress of Plan A and having to be on your toes all the time, although it brings its own kind of stress with a WH like yours.

Second, it is to force OW to meet ALL of his EN. During Plan A you were meeting some and she was meeting some. Now she will have to step up to the plate and meet them all. It won't happen because OW by nature are not up to the job. They will start LB each other all over the place. WH will realize what life will be like should you guys divorce. There will be no more T2L there for him. The cakeeating is over. He'll see the devastation caused by him. This is the way we HOPE it will go.

Finally, Plan B is for you. You have taken back control of your life, how ever it goes.

Don't be afraid... we're here. We've got your back.

Honey, I survived a Wookie's wrath...AND Pep and Mel and Starfish and Believer and GC and Bob and everyone here telling me our sitch wasn't "speshul..."

Neak and Pep both have my email and can forward it to you.

I'll be moving starting Friday and don't know when I'll be on, but if you need any moral support or a shoulder or an ear, I'll keep my celly handy and you can have my #.

Believer, you made me almost cry...yer so good. I wanna be you when I grow up.

And your letter! OI! "...scream like a porn star..."

I nearly wet myself.

I'd like to add something to PM's post about Plan B.

It's all the things Princess said plus the added bonus of sheilding the love you have left from him before he bleeds your lovebank so dry that you can no longer be with him.

Plan B is about protecting YOU from his nuttiness.

T2L, take some deep breaths. Your Plan B is so hard on you because your mediator is not doing a good job. Maybe they don't understand their job, maybe they are too close to the two of you to be able to do the job. But the mediator is NOT working and that's why you're having such a tough time. Things will get a lot better with Pep and everyone else but Believer mediating for you. (Sorry, B, I just had to get a dig in)

See? You shouldn't even KNOW about that. H is refusing because it's part of his temper tantrum. It's not his call, hon. YOU choose who you interact with and under what conditions. If you'd continued in Plan A your WH would just continue to cake eat. He had no motivation to change. And it's obvious that you went to Plan B at exactly the right moment for you.

You really shouldn't hear ANYTHING from the mediator except "WH wants to pick the kids up at 3 tomorrow and return them at 5 p.m. on Sunday" That's it! Wouldn't that have been so much easier? It WILL be eaiser - your new mediators know what they're doing.

You should NEVER have heard ANY of this. Who cares what WH thinks? He is O-U-T until he ditches the OW, commits to NC forever, and agrees to make the marriage his top priority. You don't want that old WH. He's a selfish, manipulative, lying piece of dung. You want DH back, but wiser in the ways of being a real and true DH for you.

GOOD for you!!!! If you had called WH he'd have learned that you have NO boundaries, and that a little temper tantrum can make you change your mind in no time flat. He'd be encouraged to disrespect your Plan B. He'd become even WORSE than he has been. So you did great. And pretty soon you won't have to know about his fits because you'll be insulated from them.

Your pastor TOTALLY ROCKS, by the way. Just sayin'.

Only because your mediator has not insulated you from his insanity. It will get better. Stay strong. You did a stellar Plan A - the best I've ever seen. Your Plan B must be just as perfect. A poorly executed Plan B damages everything, sometimes irreversibly. A poorly executed Plan B teaches the wayward that THEY are in control and that they can, indeed, act however they like without any consideration of others.

Then he doesn't. His choice. But he DOESN'T talk directly to you. YOUR choice. YOU are in control. He can pitch fits until the cows come home but until he's ready to grow a pair and act like a decent human being, you won't know about it.

I'd be majorly surprised if he did any of those things, especially after your Plan A. I really do think this is just a temper tantrum. And, really, T2L, if he IS the kind of guy that could be so hateful and vengeful to his own family, just because you decided you could no longer participate in his unbelievable selfishness and cruel treatment of you and his children... well, is that really the kind of person you want to be married to? Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

The purpose of Plan B is to isolate yourself from his selfishness, cruelty, disrespect, anger, manipulation, lies, deceit, and sense of entitlement. It is to bring peace and serenity into your life. It is to allow you to remember what healthy boundaries are, and integrate them into your life. It is to give you an opportunity to regain your self esteem and dignity. It grants you time and space to focus on yourself and what you value, and what your goals are.

It usually has the happy side effect of making the wayward feel the ramifications of their actions. They get to FEEL what life is like without you in it.

I am SO PROUD of you for remaining strong during such a stressful time.

Okay.

Day two of the Turtlepalooza!

All hail the Turtle!

One more thing...

Did your mediator read HERE what Plan B entails?

I don't think he's real clear on the rules.

Tell yourself that he is the one who introduced a stranger to the marriage (OW). Nobody asked you if it was okay. His choices are causing him to be in this situation.

Ok thanks guys. Feeling better. I guess your mind just really messes with you during Plan B. You doubt yourself, you wonder if you just ruined any chance you had but then, at least for me, I know that Plan A is not a way of life.

My H knows that I doubt myself a lot. I have determination but I do doubt, where he would be totally wrong and not doubt. I used to apologize even if I didn't do anything because I hated the distance.

He used to say why are you apologizing you didn't do anything and I would respond because I just don't want to fight. Although as I said I was not perfect and needed some fine tuning, I did cater to him like crazy, I think It might not have been healthy for me. I had spotless house ever day, packed his lunch every night, dinner on the table right when he came home, did all his shopping even for clothing because he hates shopping, did the bills, scheduled everything with his family so they would be connected, all parenting and discipline of kids, washed, folded and put away all laundry and laid work clothes out for the morning, you name it I did it.

He was a good guy for many years, only prob his angry flare ups over kinda meaning less things, but not a daily thing, and he was kinda moody like just irritated, never super mean but he just was like not content. So anyways, I am used to catering, I loved to care for him that way as that was my share and contribution to the family as I am a stay at home mom and full time wife.

Ya know one month after discovery H came by the house to see DS10 they visit then we talk and he says if you want me back so bad why aren't you beating down my door begging me back. He's always known how much I love him but I think he has always looked at me as weak although I am not. I told him now way buddy, I did that after discovery and you came back for 2 weeks and guess what you did to me the whole time. You told me for 2 weeks straight that you shouldn't have come back, your here for the wrong reasons, you don't want to do the right thing, you don't love me like that anymore, you shouldn't have married me out of high school, you should have sowed your oats etc etc and now you want the mother of your children to gravel on her hands and knees and beg you back. I said NO WAY its not happening. Then he says so what your just gonna forget about me and I stare at him with a blank stare for like 10 seconds and say oh you want a response? The he says so I suppose your not going to wait around forever are you and I laugh and say well I am only 38. But that all happened just after discovery, so I say all that because I guess its probably really important for him also to see a new T2L that doesn't doubt herself and is confident enough to ride this out.

Ya know I just don't get how he read the letter and thinks I'm playing games...oh and he said I am making ULTIMATUMS...byt he letter. I mean it said I love you several times and says I want the marriage etc I mean you guys read it. I thought that he was out of the fog some during Plan A but maybe isn't huh?

STaying busy today, gonna start a keyboard program to learn how to play piano and I have church tonight......
Day 4 here we come, Thank You God for my mentors here, bless them massively today cuz I could not even do this without them. AMEN!

Ok anyone for a serving of yam or cranberry ramen? :happythanksgiving:

Kiss those days 'buh-bye'.
Save your apology for times when you have done something wrong. It will mean more to both you and the listener.

emotional distance = anxiety on your part

You are about to grow stronger and more compassionate in ways you never expected.

Keep busy.
You've got mail .

as a reminder .... your first post of this thread ....



WH has been

angry
drinking
crazy
blaming

the difference of Plan B is ~~~> you will be protected from someone who is sucking the life force from you ....

he's not angry BECAUSE of your Plan B .... as you can see from your OWN words

K got it. Thanks guys. He wants to see kids today and I want him to see DS10.

I'm nervous, he's totally not gonna want your email. Yikes, Glad I'm not you! LOL

Be glad you're not WH !

God is with us. Never forget that.


PS: read my post right before your last one.

I'll also expound on what Pep said and tell you to STOP saying you're sorry because the only thing that a wayward hears is that you are sorry.

That opens the door in his noggin to agree..."yep, you ARE sorry..." As in, you are a sorry person...as in you are LESS than a person.

You are NOT any less a person than anyone else. You saying you're sorry all the time gave him permission in his pea brain to JUSTIFY his behavior.

NO!

MORE!

Okay?

I was sorry once too.

Now I APOLOGIZE (with that word instead of the "ess" word) when I'm wrong...and ONLY when I am wrong (which isn't often )

I'd rather be me than wayward any ol'day. I don't think I'd survive the guilt!

This is true, he was doing all that stuff before Plan B {{{{click, the sound of a light bulb clicking on}}}} yeah your right he did do that right from the get go.

I guess I just feel guilty for shoving a mediator at him, I know I know I shouldn't, but there's a little there.