Hi All. I found out about 6 weeks ago of my WH EA. (Trying the lingo out!) WH and I have been together 14 years, married for 9. We have 4 children under 7. WH has always had problems with depression but a move and loss of a job seem to put him over the edge. We had been seeing a counselor who encouraged us to do some things for ourselves in order to have something else to talk about other than children. She meant for us to join a book club, learn to crochet, etc. Husband thought she meant find someone else so he looked up an old girlfriend from college. It went from hihowareya to icantlivewithoutyou in 10 days. OW is on 2nd marriage, has one child from each marriage and yet claimed she always felt she was cheating on MY husband by marrying others.

I discovered the affair after 4 weeks of email/cell/text messages between the WH & OW. I was suspicious due to his detachment from the family. I walked in on him emailing her and like a guilty child he switched screens. I said nothing at the time but the next day I found the account (a SHARED google account) he was using, typed in the password, and there it was for all to see. I read every word of the exchanges. The best part of it was reading the emails they had sent to each other just that morning.

I have no doubt that our marriage was in trouble. I had been going to counseling individually for the last 2 years and marriage counseling with him for at least 18 month. I always felt he was not really participating but I could not break through his defenses and get to the bottom of things. I withdraw when I feel I need to protect my feelings and that is what I did. WH's depression was pulling me down so much I am on 2 anti-depressants and an antianxiety. I had to pull away because one of us had to take care of the children. This pulling away caused him to withdraw and we both had been just treading water.

Our eldest son was diagnosed with a leaning disability and I thought once we got control of that situation we could work on us. Of course, my son road to wellness occurred just as EA was taking off. Basically, I lost the whole month of September with my husband. He was just not emotionally with us.

Despite knowing we were in trouble i never thought he would do this to me. (I guess everyone here has thought that too.) He was once the most honest, moral man I knew. NC was established, as far as I know, 4 weeks ago. She did try to call him once on his cell phone but he says he did not return her call. He is embarrassed by what has happened. He says he wants to work on our marriage and has done all that this board has suggested.

I told my family and his sister. I told a couple of friends. I did not tell his parents, yet. Our anniversary was last week and he asked if I wanted to go out. I declined as I don't feel there is anything to celebrate this year. We have been going on dates, which have actually been fun. We have talked at length about the EA and OW. There have been no questions he has avoided.

So why am I here? This woman and he dated for 4 - 6 weeks back in 1989. WH was between long-term girlfriends and met here. She went to Europe for 1 year and WH then went to Europe for a semester abroad. WH kept every correspondence from every girlfriend he has ever received. None of it bothers me as it is something his whole family does. Only 2 letters are from OW in a box of hundreds. Nowhere in the letters is there anything to indicate missing him, loving him all those things you would normally feel while separated from your love. Also, during this time WH met someone else and ended up dating her for years. I knew about the longterm girlfriends. He never, ever mentioned OW in the past. To have her pop up as his 'true love' made it all the more shocking. Any info I have on her has been discovered since DD.

OW got married after her year abroad. While married to 1st husband, she bumped into my WH and they had dinner together a few times. (This was a year before he and I met). According to WH, they discussed how much they loved each other but they couldn't be together since she was already married for 4 or 5 years at that point. They parted ways and lost touch. WH has been feeling lonely for sometime and had started catching up wth old friends, reconnecting on alumni boards. That is where he found OW again. OW told WH during their emails/chats that she got married the first time because she was raped by an Algeirian sailor while in Italy and she maried the first American she could fine (I kid you not, this is what she told him.) The man physically abused her throughout the marriage and this abuseive marriage was the one she was in when she had dinner with my WH before we met. (hope this is making sense to someone!) She has a child with this man and eventually divorced. She married someone else and has another child with that man. In the meantime, he and I met, married, and had 4 children.

During the EA she claimed he was her true passion, her true love, someone she was meant to be with. He agreed with her and wished he had married her instead of me. I accept that he was in a fog when he said things about me to her but I can't help but think of them. They discussed their options with each other, one option including her getting pregnant bringing the grand total of children to 7.

Again, WH claims he is mortified now by what he wrote. I want to believe him but I can't. My question for here is how do I believe in him and have hope for us if he still is in withdrawal from her? He claims he loves me but part of him still loves her. I am glad for the honesty but seriously, over a 6 week 20 years ago???????

I do love him and do not want to divorce him but I am finding it hard being sloppy seconds after always being told I was his 1st true love. Any advice on not giving up?

Breathe in... and out...

No sudden decisions. You are now going to embark on a journey of pain and frustration.

But the rewards could be the best marriage that you ever had.

Get the book "Surviving an affair" Dr Harley and also start reading the site articles.

Do NOT tell WH about this site. We are your secret weapon.

RHO,


Welcome to marriage builders. I think you would do yourself some good by reading the articles by Dr. Harley. It will give you a perspective on affairs (emotional or physical) that you probably didn't have before.

I would also like to mention that someone deep in depression and who has withdrawn or had other people withdraw from them, are very suspectible to fantasy relationships. Something to cling to. My guess your H was in that category. This is not about you or oddly about his feelings for you, it is about him and how he has dealt with this depression and the deadly lack of feelings that are associated with it.

If I could suggest one thing it would be for your H to seek counseling for his depression and for him to develop a plan for handling the depression when he feels it coming on. It would be useful if you were part of the plan, but this is really about how he protects HIS boundaries and vows when he is in a weakened state. It is his job to do so.

I am NOT making excuses for him but when men lose their jobs they often lose who they are because they define themselves by their jobs, couple that with his normal propensity for depression and you have a man who is going to need a plan to protect his boundaries because he is weakened. It is his job to protect his boundaries, but it is the both of your job's to make this marriage better than it was.

It seems he is willing to do the work, if you are willing your marriage can be rebuilt and made better than ever before. It will take a lot of discussion about emotional needs on both of your parts, it will take setting goals for what a good marriage would look like to the both of you, and then it will take a detailed plan with accountability, sanity checks, and reinforcement to make it work.

It can work.

God Bless,

JL