Don't give her any extra money. Insist she pay her share of the house expenses. Cancel all credit cards - you are married and may be responsible for any charges she makes.

Do not let her off the hook to help support the house.

I will not let her financially off the hook. She knows, she's just very persistent in trying. She said she needed to offload some bills in order to have any extra money. If she needs extra money she can get a second job if she wants, but not paying bills is out of the question. Thanks guys

After re-reading Plan A and Plan B, it's going to be Plan B from here on out unless something big changes. I reaffirmed my love for her, but found out that ultimatums were not something I should be doing, yes I know it says not to do this, so I have no reason for doing it, other than being selfish I guess. I will continue to build my life w/o W and try to meet her EN's as best as possible.
If anything changes I will update this thread again.

Thank you

Blitz,(That'll take some getting used to, BTW)

Plan B is to have nothing to do with her as a way to protect yourself from being disrespected and hurt by having a ringside seat to her affair if it continues beyond what you can stand during Plan A. It can only be entered into after much consideration since you must have several things established before you can enter Plan B.

You have to establish a way for her to contact you if she needs you in case of an emergency and in order to pass information back and forth as required. This needs to be an intermediary, a person, not a phone number or email address.

You need to let her know what conditions she must meet in order for you to take her back into the marriage. These conditions must be spelled out in advance because anything you tell her up front is what she might try to accomplish once the fog is blown away. The end of the affair is one but there should be others as well, perhaps including MC, establishing extraordinary precautions, total transparency etc.

You need to be ready to have no contact with her at all for a protracted period of as long as up to two years. You can't be negotiating things and be in a good Plan B because Plan B is about saving what love you have left for her, not about punishing her for continuing the affair. It is for you to get out of the pressure cooker and heal yourself in case she ever wakes up and wants to come home. It is basically a waiting game designed to save what you have left in case she comes around later.

The most important thing to consider is that Plan B will not do anything toward ending the affair and causing her to want to reconcile unless it has been preceded by a killer Plan A. The better the Plan A the more effective the Plan B in achieving the goal of reconciliation.

Dr Harley suggests that most men can do a viable Plan A for up to 6 months. Women can usually only manage about 3 or so because men tend to be more competitive than women. And really Plan A is a competition between you and OM. It is you competing for the heart of your wife. You should have an advantage in that you know her better than he does, have a history with her that he does not and can call upon other people within your circle of family to help pressure the affair to bring it to an end.

Of course all these things that can be an advantage can turn into a disadvantage as well, since if you are known to commit Love Busters all the time, have generally shown little concern for your wife’s feelings and the like it can work against you rather than for you.

Plan A should be about showing her (not telling her, though you might need to reinforce it verbally as well) that you are willing to meet her ENs and make her feelings and happiness a priority going forward. It is a chance for you to make Love Bank deposits in order to rekindle the feelings she once had for you. She did after all fall in love with you and marry you to begin with. Find that guy she fell in love with when you first met within yourself and become him again.

Plan B is NOT what you fall back to if you get tired in Plan A or what you do if you don’t get instant results in Plan A. Plan B is a specific PLAN to achieve specific GOALS. It isn’t a case of try this and then try that, but of putting in the work to do Plan A and before your love for her dies, establish Plan B, which is a separation from her until the affair dies on its own and she is willing to do the work you require to take her back that you establish in advance and inform her of in your Plan B Letter.

You can begin Plan B but you can’t end up in Plan B. It isn’t a default position but a step along the way. If you are ready to end up someplace, just head for Plan D because that is where you are headed and where you will end up unless you can find a way to get her to turn around and head for home.

Consider the end of a football game. It is inside of two minutes and the score is within two points. A field goal will win the game. If have the ball, you have to get within range of your kicker in order to give him a chance to win the game for you. If you are on defense, you have to stop the other team from getting into field goal range because if they do, odds are great that you will lose the game.

Whether you take the position of offense or defense does not matter at all. It will be the team that executes the game plan that will win. Any mistakes along the way give the opponent an advantage, but the game isn’t over till the final gun sounds. If you want to win, you have to outplay and outperform the other team. Only a 100% effort will do. Anything less seals your fate. The first team to lose focus will lose.

And that is why they have a playbook that includes a two-minute drill for both sides of the ball. When the game is on the line it will be the execution of the game plan that will result in victory or defeat. Some plans are better than others, but you still have to carry out the plan in order to win, you can’t play the game on paper and expect to reach your goal. It will be YOUR actions that decide the outcome.

Mark

Mark,

I've had to reread that twice and probably more times for it to really sink in.
I didn't do what the others suggested initially and found myself in a tight position. I hate to say this, but I don't think she was ever in an affair. This isn't denial talking, this is taking her at the truth. I replayed everything in my head, considering she might have actually been telling the truth all along. Her mentioning she had feelings for another man was just a part of her trying to be honest after I told her I didn't trust her. I got off on the wrong track. She kept telling me what was wrong and I ignored the real reason this happened. This happened because I ignored my wife and she fell into her friends for emotional support. This was never about cheating, infidelity, or an affair. I think I took this and ran with it because I wanted to believe it was the reason, but looking back I don't think it was, just like she told me. She told me she fell out of love with me because I was always on my computer and I believe it. I believe I fell out of love with her first, and turned to my computer as a means to get away from my true feelings. When this first happened with me close to 2 years ago, I should've approached her and told her how I felt. We should've been working on this a while ago, she finally fell out of love with me and took the actions to put us where we are today. I don't know if this is something I should tell her today or not, I don't know if it will even matter to her anymore.
I find that working out and going to church has really helped me in the last week or so, even though I just started working out yesterday, I'm already starting to feel better about myself. Church has happened for a couple of weeks and it has been a good to attend with my parents. I found a part of me that I lost and now have back.
I really don't know where to go from here, I don't know if this marriage will work unless we both want it to happen and she doesn't appear to want that, although her actions speak differently than her words do. She still wants the friendship w/o the initmacy that comes with marriage, and that's to be expected I guess.
Would it be better for me to be a friend to her right now or should I be trying to turn that off with plan b? I'm not sure which way I should go right now.
Thank you
Blitz (it's just a random name, i'm not into football)

The whole point of Plan A is to change her mind. You can't control her, but you have control over yourself.

So you change YOU into a person she does want to have a relationship with, and you build from there. By meeting her ENs you will make Love Bank deposits and by avoiding Love Busters you will stop making withdrawals. Once the balance in your account in her LB$ reaches the romantic threshold, she will feel in love with you and will want to be with you. From that point forward you be able to create a real marriage in which you each meet the others ENs routinely, if you both apply MB to the relationship.



So you just one day decided that you didn't trust her...

If you trusted her for a long time and then one day stopped trusting her, it was probably because she was doing something you found to be untrustworthy. I trusted my wife until she began trying to hide things from me, lying about where she was going, how long she'd be gone, doing things she had never done before and closing the screen on the computer the second I walked into the room...And it was made even harder to trust her by the fact that she had NOTHING positive to say about me, took exception to EVERYTHING I said, cut me off every time I tried to express MY opinion on anything and excluded me from conversations she was having on the telephone...I stopped trusting her when she gave me reason to do so.

Once your wife reached this point her feelings for OM WAS your problem. She closed your account in her LB$ and stopped taking deposits from you. Nothing you did could be the right thing as long as OM was even a fantasy lover to her.

If she would end all contact with OM, and I mean ALL contact with him and not take up with any other OM you might actually be able to make some progress.

If she is going out with her female friends and is not actively auditioning new OM, then you still might get through this. As long as she has not filed for divorce, she isn't gone yet.

As for her telling you what you needed to do, once OM was involved, it was pointless because she wasn't taking anything from you. She had withdrawn from you. She was in the state of withdrawal. She simply didn't care about you at all. The time to have done something was BEFORE it reached that point. But you didn't and so you now find yourself here. You have arrived here in the same state as so many of us that came here before, with a broken marriage, a wife actively pursuing someone else and feeling completely lost as to how to turn it all around.

You still might be able to save your marriage, Blitz. But the first step is to decide that you will do whatever it takes for as long as you can continue in order to bring that to pass. Letting her decide your fate and that of the marriage is pretty much giving up. And if you want to do that, it is your right and you can do it that way if you want.

If you want to fight for her and try to save your marriage and do all that you can do whether you succeed or not, then MB folks can help. You have to realize that if you want to save this marriage, you have to be willing to do what you need to do no matter what she does or says.

If you have the money, talk to Steve or Jennifer in the coaching center. Either one can help you focus your plan to make it more likely to succeed.

If you want to quit, say so and we'll go on to something else.

Mark

Hi Mark,

She told me the other day that she was ready to do a separation of assets soon, just to let me know. I told her I wasn't ready for that, she just moved out 1 week ago. I told her that we needed to wait at least a couple of more months and she said she didn't want to. When I asked her why not, she said she doesn't want to be separated for a year because of where she's living isn't very nice right now and she wants to get the process moving. I told her that since she wants an uncontested divorce and can't afford to do it any other way, that I needed time to think about it. Her plan to leave me and then push me into an uncontested divorce is failing and it's causing her a lot of stress from what I see. If I go along with her plan, I am signing away my life and my wife.
The reason for my mistrust in her, is because once she told me she didn't love me anymore, she started binge drinking on the weekend with her friends and staying out all night. Once divorce entered the picture, I told her I wanted to see these bills that she was wanting me to pay half of. A little back story here is that I was letting her handle the finances because I trusted her and she's in accounting at her full time job. We also own a side business together for which I was letting her control the finances of that as well. BIG Mistake. I found out that she had 7 Credit cards in her name, and I'm only authorized to use 1 of them. I had no idea about at least 3 of them. I immediately stop my direct deposit into her account and took my name off our joint bank account. I am now managing my own bank account. 2 weeks ago she wanted me to pay half of the bills and I did. We get paid in 2 more days and I know she is going to want 'my half' and I'm not sure if I should be giving her anymore money at this point. She is barely able to live on her own and I want to help her Mark, but I don't want to just give in and be walked on. What's your advice on this? Should I be paying 'half' of everything or only my mortgage and utilities? I know you're probably not a lawyer and that's ok, I'll never hold anyone to that standard, I just want some common sense advice on what I should do in 2 days.
I continue to let her know that I am here for and try to spend time with her exercising still, but each time I've tried to get her to meet with me, she doesn't want to.
I need to reread Plan A again, maybe I'm not ready for Plan B just yet.
She also stated that she might move back in, because she doesn't want to stay where she's at for an extended period of time. I'm not going along with her divorce plans and it's upsetting her.
I have continued on the path of fixing the things that she said ran her off to begin with, the chores I do, because I'm the only one at the house and I want it to be clean and not messy, I created better habits of cleaning, to which I had none before. I am still on a diet and have been working out, which was her other gripe. The third thing is not being on my computer all the time, which I don't do nearly as much anymore, since all of this started, I watch some tv, I work out, and I talk to friends more. The other thing she wanted was me to continue counseling with her and I will continue with it if that's what will keep her happy emotionally. We have an appointment for Monday. I know that counselors can't always fix marriages and they have an 84% failure rate, but this is the only way I can talk with her emotionally, she won't have emotional talks with me directly. She's committed to a divorce and that's obviously what I don't want.
Thank you for your help Mark. I will possibly talk with the counselors you mentioned, I don't really care about the costs, if it can save my marriage it's worth every bit of the money.
Blitz

This is easy.

You pay half of everything that's M-related
You don't pay ANY part of anything that's not M-related

e.g.
Mortage on your home = M-related
The rental on her place = NOT M-related
Her groceries while she's staying at that place? = NOT M-related.

Don't finance her waywardness.

And, this part is important - even if she returns, you STILL do not pay for any debts that occurred because of her waywardness. For example those secret credit cards of hers. She needs to take responsibility for her choices, rather than assigning them to you.

Blitz,

I actually think that dragging your feet on divorce is the right tactic right now. Paying half of the bills might or might not work out in the long run, but paying them will give her a reason to remain with you in the long run. At the same time, you need to be certain that she isn't just running up huge bills in order to maintain a lifestyle that she can't really afford while living on her own. That is the fine line you need to watch out for. You don't want to finance the affair, but anything that can destroy your own finances should be taken care of. Her bills should be her bills, but if it goes to divorce court, you will probably end up with half of them anyway. Some lawyers might be able to change this if they are brilliant, but there aren't a lot of those guys out there and the courts in this country tend to side with the wife as far as separation of assets.

If she is willing to continue with MC that can be a good thing in that you can leave all the emotional stuff for those visits and do only fun stuff with her when you get the chance. If she is actively pursuing a relationship with OM it will not save your marriage to go to a MC.

Blitz, the reason I and everyone else kept coming back to OM being the problem here is because the ILYBINILWY line almost always means "there is someone else." In fact after over two years on this board and after hearing it from my wife more than once, I can say that in my experience it has never meant anything else.

While there might have been problems in your marriage that caused her to withdraw from you emotionally and might have contributed to her being vulnerable to having an affair in the first place, and there may have been things she was able to use in order to try to justify what she was doing at the beginning of this relationship with OM, once there was OM, THAT was the problem you had to overcome. None of the rest of it even matters as long as OM is in the picture for her. She can claim they are "just friends" that "nothing has happened" or that "he isn't the problem between us" but as long as she has feelings for him, you are fighting a fantasy rather than the issues that she points to as being problems.

Several things come into play whenever there is "someone else" in a marriage. First of all, she is investing emotionally in the new relationship and in order to do that she must stop investing in the old one with you. This alone causes her to pull away from you and want to NOT do anything with you that might confuse the issue on which she has already made up her mind.

Secondly, assuming that all the research is correct, there are chemical components to this whole thing that cause certain reactions in her that can be predicted easily but make it very difficult to overcome. The newness of the relationship with OM and the fact that there is any kind of sexual component to it (attraction) means that it stimulates testosterone which increases the mating instinct. But it also decreases oxytocin which is the chemical responsible for forming a bond beyond the sexual and is related to what can be called the "nesting instinct."

Unless she is a total sociopath, she is conflicted in what she is doing and so she has a remorse that prevents her from just walking away and shacking up with OM. The drinking probably dulls that sense of being conflicted and makes it easier, even if she doesn't relate the two in her mind. The drinking allows her to walk away without feeling the loss and guilt about what she is doing to you.

The MC visits allow her to tell herself that she is trying to save the marriage while she has already checked out. It too relieves her guilt and lets her tell herself "I tried, but it didn't work."

There is also an addictive nature to her relationship with OM, even if he is not reciprocating her feelings for him. He makes her have feelings of well being and happiness that she craves and not getting those feelings causes her sadness and withdrawal. This is not "just like" an addiction, it is in fact a chemical reaction that causes the same chemicals to be released in the brain as smoking crack. It is a real addiction and is therefor as hard to break as any other. Any contact with OM at all whether via phone, SMS, email, or in person releases these chemicals. As long as she has any contact with OM, she will not be able to bond with you again.

Your goal is to make her want to be with you more than she wants to be with OM. By meeting her ENs and avoiding Love Busters, you begin to build a balance in her LB$ which eventually exceeds the romantic threshold and eventually she begins to get those same feelings from you. She will miss you when you are not there, long to get those feelings from you and look forward to spending time with you.

The problem is that she will still have the same reaction to OM until she has no contact with him for long enough to experience withdrawal, in the addiction sense.

Meet her ENs.
Kill Love Busters.

Mark

Exactly, and I haven't been paying any non M related expenses. She has had to dip into a retirement account to pay for extra things, that's her business, I don't care about that money. The credit cards, she said she put in her name because when we married I didn't have a good credit score. Ok, originally that may have been the case, but now I want to see credit card details, I want to know what's been racking up over the last 7 years. I think with those details, I can find out a little more about what's been going on. She said she will come over this weekend and we can look at that. Just trying to find out what needs to happen next. I will probably consult an attorney for advice next. I don't want to get taken by surprise here, when she shows up with one.

Thank you Mark, that made a lot more sense. I think the OM I originally suspected, might not be the one, there might be another, I just don't know. Something is definitely really odd with her and the longer this goes on the more odd her behavior gets. Today when I called her about meeting me about the bills, she tried to tell me she had to exercise and couldn't meet up with me. I really was lost on that one, how can exercising be more important than our marriage and it's finances. I almost thought she was on something, I couldn't believe what I had just heard. Something is so very odd here, but it could be an OM or a substance abuse problem, I just really have no idea, it just keeps getting more odd by the week with her. All I can do is trying fill her EN's and avoid the LB's like you said.

Nonetheless, we'll be meeting tonight to talk about the finances that she hasn't been honest about. I am trying to figure out what has been charged, etc. I want to know everything. I won't be getting into emotions with her at this point, I just want facts and details. I'm starting to already find there are lies and I'm expecting I will find a lot more lies. She really isn't wanting to share the credit details with me, but I have a good feeling I know why. I'll let you know how it went tonight or tomorrow.

Thank you Mark

Thought I would provide an update, since it's been a couple days. We spoke and I am going to continue to split the bills with her. I am continuing on with Plan A right now. Initially I didn't understand Plan A/B, but after rereading it several times, Plan A is right for now. The credit details provided to me show me that there was no misuse of her cards, she just wasn't honest with me about the fact that a couple of cards existed that I wasn't aware of, and I wasn't aware of the extent of some of the debt. I am working to meet her EN's, although somewhat tough, considering she doesn't live in our home anymore. Nonetheless, I am still improving on the issues that she said drove her away. I am still losing weight and tomorrow I will restart the gym again, for the 2nd time.
I went out last night for the first time in a while, went to a club with my brother and his girlfriend. It was a nice getaway from this situation, just for a night. It's out of the ordinary for me to go to any club, but I just needed a break mentally. I thank you all for the support you have given me, I'm sorry it has taken me so long to finally get it. In the beginning I was an emotional train wreck, but now that I've gotten my emotions in check, I am much stronger. I will remain strong and am getting much happier in my new habits and way of life. I will continue to provide updates as they are available.
Thank you all again!
Blitz

I have a question. My wife still wants to be friends with me thru all of this, why is that? I just found out about another credit card yesterday and it's nerve racking, as the financial truth comes to light. She's still in the fog and it's so odd, but it's starting to make sense. I'm still making my changes, went to the gym last night and really enjoyed it, can't wait to go back again tonight. She has been gone for 2 weeks out of the house but might move back in, in 2 weeks, is this a good thing? Not sure, just needed some more guidance.
I guess what I'm needing here is to know if I should stick to Plan A or go to Plan B. Plan B has been thought about, but she is trying to value my friendship for whatever reason, not sure if she thinks I will contest the divorce if we stay friends or if she's just cake-eating and fence sitting. I could really use some help here on this decision. I think everyone abandoned my thread.

Have you actually done a Plan A? How long have you been doing actual Plan A?

Dr H suggests that men should be able to do Plan A for about six months. It is hard and it sucks but it can be done.

She wants to remain friends because she wants you to be there for her to pick up the pieces after her affair dies on its own. She wants to keep you around because you meet some of her ENs while she is letting OM meet other ENs. Between the two of you, she should be in pretty good shape as far as ENs go. Nothing missing from her EN life...

You need to let her know that you will not be her fall back plan or her friend. Let her know that you are her husband and want it to remain that way and that you will not be her "friend" after a divorce, that it's all or nothing for you.

On the other hand, letting her move back in MIGHT give you a better chance to meet her ENs and overshadow OM. If the affair fizzles quickly, it might also make it easier for you to save the marriage.

Plan B can only be said to be a step toward recovery after a good Plan A. Unless you have made her want to be with you when you pull the plug, Plan B will only allow her to be with OM unmolested and without any guilt since she will take it as you kicking her to the curb...

Which might become necessary, but if it does, you have to have Plan B PLANNED out in detail. She should know what it will take for you to take her back, have an intermediary that will pass relative info to you without all the drama and bovine excrement mixed into it so that YOU have NO contact with her at all.

That said, you will eventually reach a point where your love for her will be near death and only Plan B can save what is left by keeping it on life support until the affair burns out and goes down in flames...

Then and only then can you consider whether or not you want to take her back and attempt recovery, which I have to tell you is a lot harder than breaking up an affair, IMO.

Any way you slice it; this is going to take a long time. You need to begin thinking in terms weeks instead of days and in months instead of weeks and in years instead of months. There is no instant pudding…

Mark

Thank you Mark for replying. I spoke to her tonight and she is completely off her rocker. You guys are right, trying to reason with someone in the fog is complete insanity. I have to move to Plan B at this point, Plan A will not work, she is trying to save me as a friend and mentally she is breaking down. I need Plan B for me at this point, not really for her. Plan B starts tonight, I have cut our friendship tie. She says she wants a divorce in the next week and she can't wait anymore. She thinks I'm emotionally nuts, but I was as calm as could be during our conversation. I have an appointment scheduled with an attorney for legal advice next week. I need to know what my rights are legally, for asset protection. Every time I turn around there's a new credit card that I wasn't aware of, does this nightmare ever end?

Blitz,

You just aren't getting what I am saying here at all. Plan B is not tossing here out or moving out yourself because you are tired of dealing with her...It also isn't what you fall into when you aren't getting results you expect. During Plan A you should expect nothing, because you aren't going to get what you expect and it will demoralize you.

Of COURSE she won't cooperate with you in the destruction of her affair addiction. She LIKES her affair addiction. She LIKES having two men trying to make her happy.


How would you know? You haven't really done a Plan A, have you? Do you even have a plan?

Plan A:
Meet her ENs
Avoid Love Busters

Do NOT:
Discuss divorce
Discuss separation of assets
Discuss the affair every moment you are together
Expect a commitment from her, only that she doesn't leave
Believe ANYTHING she says, including "I want a divorce."
Try to reason with her
Try to educate her
Beg, whine, plead
Threaten or attempt to coerce her
Agree to be friendly while she boinks OM


Don't know at this point if this will help or hinder, but here goes...

You approach a river that you want to get across. There are no bridges and the water is high and fast. You pick up a rock and throw it into the stream and it vanishes beneath the raging current.

You trow another rock after the first and it too disappears below the surface of the water as if the river swallowed it up and it is gone forever...

But if you examine the situation logically instead of on the surface you will realize that the river isn't destroying the rocks, they are in fact there, below the surface and if you keep throwing them they will begin to pile up.

So you throw another rock into the water and then another and another...

You throw 499 rocks and have nothing at all to show for it. Every one of them has been swallowed up by the flood.

But then you throw your 500th rock and it lands on top of the pile with the very tip barely exposed above the waves. You can now SEE the results of all your hard work and you have a starting point to build a bridge to traverse the divide...

Blitz, Plan A isn't about what SHE does or doesn't do. Plan A is about YOU and what YOU do and don't do.

You meet her ENs and you avoid love busters and make deposits into YOUR account in her love bank. That is the only part she plays in Plan A (and she doesn't have a part in Plan B at all.) You don't try to reason with her. If you need microwave meals, this is not going to work for you. This stuff is slow-roasted not something that you can throw a switch and in 60 seconds you've got something ready to eat...

Plan B is the NEXT step after you have done Plan A uninterrupted for MONTHS. Plan B is having all the legal and social ramifications of a separation laid out in detail and having someone you can count on to tell you only emergency (as in life or death) information about your wife while filtering out the drama and bovine excrement.

Plan B is about being ready to wait, maybe as long as two years before making any decisions about the end of your marriage.

Plan B is NOT throwing her out, leaving yourself, getting sick of dealing with her and deciding to take a break. Plan B is NOT something that saves your marriage if she doesn't enjoy her time with you and so Plan B ONLY helps the marriage if PLAN A was done well and long enough to leave an impression.

Plan B is about her knowing what it will take for you to accept her back, how much you love her, care for her and desire for her to be happy and that you will not be friends with her while she boinks OM or any OM.

Plan A is hard. Plan B is HARDER. Plan C is not a plan at all...

Blitz, you need to stop, think, breath and get a grip here. You are floundering about letting what she does dictate what you do. You change directions with the merest breeze. Plan A has nothing to do with what she DOES, only with meeting her ENs and avoiding making her LB$ balance fall by love busting. That's the only part she plays in Plan A. She is the recipient of Plan A. YOU have to do ALL the work.

When you get to Plan B, you still do all the work because you don't deal with her at all. THEN you heal yourself, get your heart and brain on the same page and decide if you will wait longer or call it a day and move on. And Plan B should last until the probability of her coming home is nil. That means two years...not a couple of weeks, a couple of YEARS of waiting and healing before even trying to decide what to do next.

BECAUSE, generally speaking, the TYPICAL affair lasts a couple of years left to itself. With no help in meeting ENs coming from you, OM should only be able to make her happy for a short time and THEN she might start missing you and want to come home. She has to KNOW what it will take in order to come home. And that is WHY you can't fall into Plan B but must PLAN it out first...

Have you read SAA?

You have no control over her Blitz. You can only control yourself and that is why Plan A is about you and what YOU will do, not about what she does.

You have to earn Plan B if you want to save your marriage. You haven't thrown enough rocks yet to even know how deep the water is...

Mark

Mark,

Thank you for replying, your analogy makes perfect sense. I will print your do's and do nots and carry it with me. I was wrong and I see it now from your analogy. I then ask you when she wants to talk about divorce, do I avoid the subject? You say not to talk about it, that's fine, I will not. My question is if she does and she wants one NOW, how do I handle that? Do I just tell her I'm not getting one, or do I just avoid the conversation when she brings it up? She is hell bent on getting a divorce ASAP. She wants me to agree to a no contest divorce and I know I won't do this because I don't want a divorce. She will keep bringing it up. She is not living at our home, she left 2 weeks ago to live with her best friend who is the brother of OM and lives right next door to him. I know there is nothing I can say to her that I need only to meet her EN's and avoid LB's, I'm guilty of LB's. I guess it is my insecurity that plays a big part. I know that I cannot control her and reasoning with her is like talking to a fence post.

Last night I simply tried to talk about a credit card I discovered and it's extremely high interest rate. I wasn't aware of this card and financially we're strapped after I have taken a good long look at our finances. Every week it's like I discover a new lie that she's been hiding from me.

Oh and SAA is on order from Amazon, it hasn't arrived yet. I ordered it. It should be here in a couple of days.

If she does end up filing for divorce, you might want to quietly put an ad in the local newspaper under personals that says, "As of (today's date), I, (your name) residing at (your address) am no longer responsible for any debts other than those incurred by myself." This may offer you some protection on down the road if things spiral out of control.

Blitz,

You might want contact a lawyer so that you are protected in this, but when she says "I want a divorce" you say, "I only talk marriage. My lawyer will talk about divorce." When she says "Don't you get it? Our marriage is done" you say, "I'm not done with it yet." When she says "I want to be friends with you" you say,, "You are my wife. I want you as wife, not a friend." When she says, "I'm so sick of this." you say "Me too!"

You have to have a plan so that you KNOW what to do and don't simply react to what she says and does. SAA should have been the FIRST thing on your list to read. What I keep trying to tell you is that you need to formulate a PLAN so you can stick with it for a while. Instead of asking about what to do in response to her latest drama, start asking for help with your PLAN.

Have you identified her ENs with accuracy? How can you meet those needs? Is there a lawyer you can contact for advice on how much responsibility you have concerning these credit cards of hers. While I know they are in her name, many states will consider the debt as marital debt since you were married when it was created.

If you want her to be your wife, you need to make your focus keeping it that way. If you are willing to let her go, then get a lawyer, ne4gotiate terms as favorable as you can manage and get out before you end up in a straight jacket or in an asylum.

Just come up with a plan and execute it.

Act rather than react.

Doing nothing changes nothing.

Flopping around wastes time and energy while accomplishing nothing.

Mark

/ :twobyfour: