Hi to Everyone,

"The light bulb has clicked on" and I have finally decided to go ahead and hire a lawyer and divorce my H. I just have to complete a safety plan. I have a safe place, clothes, some money,papers needed, etc. Family and friends know the situation.

Thank you for your prayers.

{{{DTP}}}

Yay! So glad for you!

I'm so glad you are taking the steps to protect yourself. Please be careful, I've heard that the most dangerous time is right when you are trying to leave. i trust you've put in place all sorts of precautions and fall-back plans, and worked out a plan with experienced ppl from a shelter or something.

I pray for your safety and well-being and courage.

Hello to everyone,

Thank you so much for your support, understanding and prayers. I finally left home and my H got a letter from my lawyer. He is pissed. I am in a safe place. I knew to expect a lot of confusing feelings, but I never thought it would be this hard. I know I did my best for my marriage, but still question if I could have saved it. I know that he broke the vows of fidelity, honesty, and assaulted/threatened me, but why do I still have kind feelings towards him? I am deathly afraid of him, but still feel guilty about leaving. How long does this confusion last? What did you do to survive it and not go back to the "enemy?"
Thanks for listening.

I'm so glad for you! And proud of you! Did you ever read that book, "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men"? It would give you so much insight into why you still have feelings for him.

Also, please keep in mind that many people in your situation get talked or frightened into giving up and going back to the abuser. PLEASE come here and talk before you do that. It will be so much worse for you if you go back.

And what do you have lined up to keep you busy? Have you rented a bunch of funny movies? Got some comfort food? Got a diary to write in? What are your plans for the next 72 hours?

No way for him to find you, right?

I am getting a lot of strength to hang on and hold on to my Freedom via rereading everyone's replies to my posts since my first posting; rereading my journals, and talking, talking, talking with my family and friends. And praying to God to keep me safe and strong. And my sons safe and strong.

Would you believe, after the initial angry note my H texted me, he is now trying to manipulate me by saying he loves me (HA!) and asking when am I coming back home. HA!

So far, my safe place is safe.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support.

I left, and I am more scared now. He has been trying to call and text me that he is sorry, etc. etc. All manipulation! I am not answering his calls or his texts. Thanks for your prayers.

I left. Am in a safe place. But, if I am no longer safe, might need to contact you. Thank you for your offer of help.

{{{{{ DTP }}}}}

I am soooo happy to hear that you have gotten away and are safe. I don't want to ask you for information in case you need to not give to much, but know that folks here care for you and are rooting for you. Keep posting if you can.

Hon, give us an update! Are you ok?

DTP,
I also am wondering how you are doing.

It can be hard to look at your own behavior and wonder if you have done everything you could to save the marriage. Your ambivalence comes through.

Consider letting him know your ambivalence. That's being honest. Where I would recommend you be firm is in establishing a time of separation. After what you've been through, consider a one year time frame, with perhaps six months of no direct contact. Let him consider his actions.

A friend of mine once said to me, "Don't run interference for his conscience."

The confusion you experience comes from his blaming you for his behavior and your wondering if he isn't right.

He's responsible for his behavior. He needs to figure that out, and a separation will give him time to think.

You also need time to think. How did you get to the point where you took responsibility for his behavior?

Please let us know how things are going --

Cherished

I'm okay. This is hard work, trying to recover from all the years of abuse. H is trying desperately to get me back, and now that I know his tricks, I know he is only manipulating me. I am still scared and I did not realize how petrified I have become of him. My supports are saddened at how I have become, sickly, sad looking, with no backbone, and afraid of my own shadow

I am taking one hour at a time. Thank you, everyone for your support and prayers.

DTP,

It can be hard to resist his giving you what you have wanted him to give you for so many years. I think that men in particular sometimes tune out their wives until their wives give up and leave.

I wouldn't focus your energy so much on making sure your separation is permanent as I would on staying separated in the near term.

You are going to feel different in a year than you do now, and that's when you need to be making long-term decisions.

Right now, just concentrate on staying away from him for now and you can tell him you need to "clear your head", figure out things for yourself, try to get some distance and figure out your next steps.

I went through this myself. I booted him out a couple of times and let him back, once after a week and once after two months. A friend of mine spent a long time trying to persuade me to kick him out for a least a year. She was right.

Cherished

I'm so glad you're ok! Keep us updated, ok?

When my D18 broke up with a jerk boyfriend, I told her to expect the cycle. I'm sure you know about it, but just in case, you'll likely see a cycle from him - fake concern and manipulation, tears and begging, irritation, anger, back to manipulation, on and on. When one doesn't work, he'll go on to try the next way. When that doesn't work, he'll try the next. Just want you to be prepared for him changing moods and methods and not get sucked in by it.

Update please!

If you went back to him, please don't be too embarrassed to let us know. We can still help you. I've seen it over and over again - going back, giving in. Please don't think we will judge you if you give in to his ways - it is what they do - they convince you that it was just a mistake, you need to trust them!

We know that!

Let us help you!

Hello to everyone,

I do not want to go back to him. I pray for strength that I don't. I know there will be no next time for me if I go back. There was a gun in the house, but no longer, I got rid of it. My kids are glad that I am out. I am glad that I am out. Scared, but glad. I continue with therapy, with talking with my suppports, and praying.
I heard that recovery is hard, but did nt expect it to be this hard. Any good books that will help me in this recovery?


Thank you for your support and prayers.

DTP,
At the back of that book on abused women, it talks about how what the woman needs is respect, respect for the decisions she needs to make in her life. We can offer advise and perspective, but we recognize it is up to you to make your own decisions. We're concerned...
Cherished

H is relentless, leaving messages, alternating between anger and supplication. Games! Manipulation!
I am rereading Bancroft's book, and make sure I read that chapter on respect. I heard also of another book that is helpful, "its my life now."

Thank you, everyone, for keeping me in your prayers. Please add also my sons in your thoughts and prayers. Thank you again.

Should you be implementing Plan B behavior, as in you break off all contact, you don't accept or read his messages, you don't reply, etc? Do you have an intermediary?

Consider asking him to respect that you need time to think. Any direct contact has the potential to wear you down. I know. I know. I know... It might be easier for you to say you need time to think about what to do next. He's pressuring you to get back with him. Instead of telling yourself that you are done, this is it, you can let him know you need time and please respect that. How he reacts will tell you a lot.