Ultimatums and boundaries used to really confuse me, and then some wise sage on here (wish I could remember who it was, to give credit where credit is due) set it all straight for me.

Boundaries are about protecting yourself.
Ultimatums are about controlling the other person.

"If you continue to live with Sea Hag Toad, I will cease communicating with you directly, in an attempt to protect myself from the pain." <- Boundary

"If you continue to live with Sea Hag Toad, I will cease communicating with you directly, in an attempt to make you sorry and come back to me." <- Ultimatum

They are identical except for the motivation.
And with both, you better not say it if you don't intend to follow through 100%.

He's *hearing* your words as an ultimatum right now, because he was in total control (he thought) and now he's totally not in control (he thinks). So he hears your words as you trying to control him. Thus, he hears an ultimatum.

The truth of the matter is that you set a boundary, and you did so clearly and lovingly. You explained your reason for Plan B explicitly - to protect yourself from the hardship of sharing him with OW. Nothing could be clearer than that. WH is just not ready to hear your message. He's too self centered now and interprets everything very much like a self centered toddler. To him, everything is what "they" are "doing to" him, and none of it is about his role in all this and how he is now reaping the consequences of his atrocious behavior.

WH has some painful growing and awakening to do, and you can't do it for him. He has to do it on his own.

You know what's funny? He thinks he's lost control and he's rebelling against that notion, when in reality he holds the keys to reconciliation - dump OW, commit to NC for life, and make the marriage his top priority, bar none. You stated THAT clearly and explicitly in your letter. There's nothing wrong with your Plan B letter. The problem is with him, in that he's not yet open to hearing the message. He'll come around in his own time, and be a better man for it.

She's ba-ack!!!

You aren't shoving a mediator at him. You aren't forcing him to do ANYTHING... except to respect your boundaries. He can ignore the IM if he wants. His choice. There will be consequences, but it's still his choice.

It's your choice who you talk to. That's all. You can no longer deal with talking to him when you are sharing him. That's all. Other than talking to you, he can do whatever the bloody ____ he wants. His actions will have consequences, but that's not your fault, and his choices are not your fault.

save your appropriate guilt for wrong doing

what you are feeling is ANXIETY - change your wording for more accurate 'diagnosis'

you've got mail

Pep

True True I do have freaking ANXIETY!!!!

Maybe they can make a Cabernet, Pinon Nior or Margarita flavored ramen to help all us Mediator freaked betrayed spouse!

I haven't got mail yet....

how about now?

OK got it! OMG OMG OMG OMGOMGO MOGMOGMOGMGOMOGMGOM

Ok {{{breathe}}}! Where is my Margarita Top Ramen! I need it now!

Thanks guys, well said. He's still gonna be pissed. But I won't know because you got myz back!

Well I hope he doesn't just show up to try and prove he's the man and he's still in control.

Can you guys set up the visit with DS10 and him today? I know they both want to see each other if possible.

Got it....Well said.

prayer circle

God of Mercy
watch over this husband and this wife and their 2 children
protect them from evil
grant them serenity
bring them your peace

email the daughters with this and any future requests - thankyouverymuch

you've got mail

Yessum and now you got mail! La la la lala lala lala.

I know i like sangin!

Okay.

Dying to know here!

Love,
Nosey Nell

Just the freak out of the IM's contacting him and giving him the ground rules....I tend to freak out if you haven't noticed. LOL

What the frick-frack? :RollieEyes:

Ok - you have mail in a few seconds

>sheesh< :RollieEyes:

Pep

I've been showering.

Kimmy has mail from me, too.

Alrighty.

Control thy freakouts. That's an order.

We have no control over the waynerds. We only control how we react to them.

We are Spock, only cuter, right now.

Let him do the freaking.

Is THAT what smells so good?

Yes. Chocolate scented Axe for him, Pantene for me. Ahhhhhhh.

OK - got a movie crew on their way over to the house to scout - gotta go get showered and DRESSED myself - signing off for now - other spockettes ~~~> now taking over

Pep - out