Hello fellow MB members- I am hoping to get some help from all of you- I have been lurking around for many months, and to tell you all the truth, you all have seriously saved me. - I am just so thankful to have found MB info and reading all of your posts have been so valuable. I first need to share my story to all of you- more for me than anything, and then ask a few questions- I really would appreciate all your help

So why am I here? Well, of course my husband had an affair, and I will give you a quick synopsis of my history and ask my questions…My husband’s affair started with a co-worker, in probably April 08. We had just had our 3rd child, and I was completely clueless with what was happening. I like all of you, trusted my spouse completely, and never batted an eye at all the red flags that I see now. Things intensified in May- with the peak being my husband stating “I love you, just not in love with you”. Blah, blah, blah, right?

He still never led on that there was another woman, and I had never heard of MB so I was again completely clueless… 2 weeks later he came to me and said “well, all these people at work keep saying I’m having an affair, whatever!! They just don’t like “$%^&” and I can’t believe they think that!”.

I confronted him and got out of him that he had been talking too much to her, but he had no feelings at all for her (LOL)- and besides, school is out (he is a teacher), and they will no longer see each other. I was angry for 2 days, and even though I never read MB info yet, I was putting on my best Plan A game, and really doing some soul searching on how I was contributing to our marriage.

We travel around all summer, me again clueless to the fact that he was still in contact with her. I was working hard to meet his EN, and him being fairly stand-offish. My dear friend tells me about some rumors that he is meeting her, and still seeing her. I confront, and tell him to stop contact. He ends up writing a 9 page letter to me – telling me how much he loves me, wants me, cares for me, and that he was so foolish. Contact had ended now- or so I thought….

Sept. rolls around, I had found MB site. My husband reads all the books- cries at the fact that what he had with her was not some “special relationship” but just a run of the mill affair. He loves the concepts of MB, and devotes his life to supporting us, our family, and our marriage, We both take responsibility for what brought us to always putting our marriage second, and we both dive in at recovery.

The next day, I confront him, just to see if he is still talking to her. He admits that he is. I was crushed. I tell him to leave; he can have the sl%#. He tells me “I was trying to let her down gently, end contact forever, but she kept pushing for more, I really was trying to end it”. I expose like crazy. I meet with her husband (he returns all the stuff my husband had given her- barf), tell his family, friends, ect. I call her up and confront. She was a wreck, crying, sobbing- I was firm to leave us alone, and she agrees. It was seriously the strangest conversation ever. I went to lay it on her- she completely diffused me with her pathetic ways, sobbing, crying.

Contact has ended, my husband has since done such a good job recovering- and I have too. We really have a better marriage than previously, and we both accept that we were not meeting either of each others EN. Here is my question….we are doing so well, I am happy, but I just cannot get past the OW. She gets into my every pore, and I feel so angry and bitter about her. I know she is just a huge dumping ground for all my crappy feelings- but when will this end?????

I saw her at the store recently, and I was so flustered, I almost lost it right there. I came home and felt the same way I did months ago- it was like I reversed. I even had the physical ailments that went along with it. I could string profanity together that I never thought was possible. That night I dreamed that I pushed her into the canned goods at the grocery store that I saw her at. I imagine all the ways to make her life a living H%$, never to actually do any of them- but its more of a release for me to think of evil things. The sad thing is, I am really not one to do things like that, or feet that way. Whats up with that??? I know my husband is the one who brought her into this- but I do feel that we have reconciled and we are working on things. I know she is my dumping ground.

When will this get better? I hate spending so much time thinking about her- I know she does not think of me, therefore I should end thinking about her- but I just can’t. When will it be that I can run into her and not feel seriously ill? I need some kind of time frame please, I just don’t know what to do. During my day, should I thought block? Start a new hobby? Put a burning bad of dog poop in her yard? I just can’t let go of HER.

Thanks for letting me vent, I feel better already. What next?

sss, you are supposed to have resentment against someone who has done great harm to you. What you described *IS* recovery. This woman invaded your life and did a terrible thing to you. When someone is assaulted in this manner, they, of course, will be obsessed with it until they can come to terms with it. Thinking about her and the affair is your minds way of coming to terms and RECOVERING.

It took me about 2 years to stop obsessing.

My biggest concern is that they do not still work together? Please tell me they do not.....

And I APPLAUD you for exposing the affair and thusly killing it. The folks who PROACTIVELY take steps to snuff out the affair are the ones who usually make it.

If you have read here any length of time then you should know that Dr. Harley says that contact with the OW must end for life even if that means changing jobs.

What you are feeling and the thoughts that plague you are normal. One exercise that helped me was to freeze those thoughts in midstream and have a stare down contest with the frozen thought until it dissipates...which it always does. Over time...much longer than you would like, the thoughts do cease. It does get easier to not obsess. I seldom think of the OW...and she doesn't have the power over me as she once did. It did seem like we tended to transfer lots of the blame to the OW instead of a more balanced sharing of blame with the OP...even though we rationally know they are as much, if not more, to blame. I had to keep reminding myself of this.

If you can go to the MB weekend or get the home study course it will probably help your recovery. You need to affair proof your marriage from future affairs by thoroughly dealing with this one and the state of your marriage pre-A. At the very least read HNHN and Love Busters together and discuss what you read.

Dr. Harley says that you should never trust your spouse 100%. That said, lots of trust does come back as time goes by.

FYI, if you are triggered by seeing her, imagine how your H feels when HE sees her?

This is why Dr Harley is adamant about no contact:

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?



How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Your H will have to find a new teaching job if he and OW work at the same school still. You will never have any peace so long as they work together.

As for the resentment and evil thoughts, that's normal. Don't beat yourself up over it. What helps me at times is looking at who OW really is and it's pathetic at best.

Thanks for all replying so quickly!!

As for NC, my husband had switched jobs, and actually the OW was a mother of one of his students. Yes, I know....SICK!!! How does this all happen!! I feel so blind sighted by it all now, I guess I took the last few months focusing on recovering my marriage, and just recently I really looked back at all that has happened, and could just barf!!!

As for exposing the affair, I completely blew it out of the water. I was the one who ended it, not her husband, and I was the one to take control. I do feel good about that.

My husband now looks back and feels that he could vomit. He shutters (literally) when I tell him what he had said to me. Everything was such a lie. He had phones for just them, gave her jewelry, dresses, ect. He even had a separate stash of money to use on her so I would not know. (I took the money and went on a shopping spree).

My friends and family I feel are happy that I am happy, but certainly worried for me. I feel they think it will happen again. And no one around me would flinch if I wanted a D. We did read all Dr. H's books, and he is really focusing on "shutting all his door's". He connects with women all too easy, leaves the “door open”, and then likes the attention. He makes friends way to easy. Plus in his profession (elementary school) is surrounded at all times with women. I know women find him attractive, especially lonely, unfulfilled tramps (that was my evil dig for her).

Melody, holy smokes- 2 years!!! I can't wait that long. All the time and energy I have put into thinking about this already makes me sick. I am sick of myself! Does that make sense?? I want to just wake up in 2 years and feel better…. Its funny, I was always concerned about the time we would run into her. I always worried that my H would suddenly turn into a zombie and fall for her all over again. It would start over again. I never prepared myself for ME running into her. I was the one who freaked out and my husband was like “Yuck”. He feels that she represents such a awful time in his life now. I feel resentful when he says that – he was having his “cake” all summer long without me knowing it. I tell him “you have no idea what I went through, at least you had a blast”. I was taking care of 3 kids under the age of 6 by myself while you moved out to “have space”.Obviously am still angry. I just cry writing this.

Black Raven, she is pathetic at best. Why did he pick such a tramp? He now tells me that one time she was playing kick ball with the kids- and when she was pitching, she would unbutton her buttons on her shirt to show her "stuff" to my husband who was kicking. I confronted him one time and asked "why her?" I am so the opposite of her, and wondered if he really wanted a completely overdone, immature dressing like 17 year old 40 year old. His response is that it could have been anyone, but at the time when he was struggling, and feeling rejected, she was the one who was there. It could have been anyone. I still ask though, ....but her????

Trix, thanks for the reply. I do want to stop obsessing- I will try your "stare down" method. I think she represents everything bad that happened. Yesterday, I tripped on a baby toy, and I swore to her, like she was the one who caused me to do it. I thought "If I would not be so focused on YOU I would not have tripped!!!!!" I know, I know, he brought her to me.

Thank you for all your input, I feel like we are recovering, but that I had been run over 5,000 times with a truck. I am walking forward, but my husband is pulling me to keep going. There are just so many lies and hurt feelings to recover from.

Maybe I need to stop “poor Me’ing” I feel.

It is all still very fresh hurts. It will take time...unfortunately a couple of years for the worst of it is typical. There will be various stages where it gets bad again...angry feelings...more stuff that needs to be dealt with...at about 6 months and then again at about 1 yr post A.

Triggers will be less and less over time. It will help your recovery to have all your questions answered honestly...and get all the details that you need. At some point you should not need to ask anymore questions and Dr. Harley says you have to commit to not bringing up the A anymore...not throwing it up in his face or using it when you are angry about other things and use that as an excuse for your own bad attitudes or behavior.

Eventually, you can be left with a marriage that is better than it was pre-A. You may be in a honeymoon period post A...this will settle down in time too.

Your husband has to have clearly established personal boundaries so that he doesn't let his need for admiration etc. get met by others.

sunshinestate,

Please understand that what you are feeling is what all of us BSs have felt. You are on that awful roller coaster ride that will take you up, bring you down, and whip you around unmercifully in these early months. Like being caught in a huge wave that thrashes you around and leaves you breathless and gasping.

You seem to be holding tightly to your moorings, which is great, but nevertheless, you are weathering what is probably the worst storm of your life. Be gentle with yourself. You are doing very well, especially in taking control by exposing the affair. Your H has changed jobs so he will not have to deal with her anymore. Excellent. Is he also being transparent with you? Have you got access to his cell phone, email passwords? Is he accounting for all his time?

If so, you can look forward to the slowing of the wild ride over the coming months. Things will slowly calm down as he behaves like a faithful husband once again. But this takes TIME. It will take time, too, for you to work through your anger. How your H behaves will dramatically affect how long that takes, but you will also have to work on yourself for that.

I, too, was dismayed when I heard that it would take about TWO YEARS to work through this. Didn't think I'd have the strength to go at that pitch for that long. But once NC is firmly established, and you cooperate in meeting each other's ENs, spending all your free time together, it isn't that intense as time goes on. You gradually disconnect from the intensity, the drama, the gut-wrenching fear that it will happen again.

Oh, and as for why he "picked such a tramp." Have you not read on these boards that waywards ALWAYS "affair down?" Your H is right, that it could have been anyone, but it was her because she was willing. That's all she needed to be. Trashy enough to treat her own marriage and family, your marriage, and herself like dirt. She could NEVER compare to you--what he was wrapped up in was a fantasy. What he WANTED to see. Someone who treated him like he was wonderful, flawless. She didn't know his down side, though, did she? But YOU do, and he knew you knew. Was trying to escape reality and revel in being totally wonderful. Fantasy. Didn't work, though, as he's found out. He is already expressing horror for what he's done, and who he's done it with. A lot of WHs take MUCH longer to get to the realization. Consider yourself lucky here.

Just the same, your heart is still broken, and he will need to help you fix it. Just keep exploring each other, and finding ways to better meet each other's needs. I promise you, some day, OW will mean NOTHING to you. And that is exactly her true worth. It's easy to pin all your anger on her, but the truth is, she isn't the one who made a vow to love, honor and cherish you. That one lies squarely at your H's feet. At some point, you may direct your anger at HIM. It is up to him to do everything he can to make it up to you. For the rest of your lives.

You'll get there. Just takes time.

Right Here Waiting (a fellow "sunshine stater")