Thank you inrecoverynow. I was hoping you would be one who responded.
I just replied to langaan's post (I think its "How do I put up with this ****" or something like that). I felt like I could have written what he wrote. I've told him before complete loyalty or divorce and he always chooses me. Things are good for a while then he's back at it. I really feel that this is the last shot and then its divorce, but I feel since I told him he one last chance I should make good with it.
I think my problem with Plan B isn't that ultimately he won't want me, but that I won't want him. I desperately want to keep my marriage intact, but while I am afraid to be without him I'm not afraid of being alone and I think after having that kind of independence and seperation it would be even harder for me to move forward with him. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone...
Once again, I'm still on the fence with the addiction thing. I think it speaks volumes that when we had our talk the other night he said that he doesn't feel what he does is out of the ordinary for men. This more than anything makes me feel its not an addiction and its only a matter of time before it happens again.
I believe I will start with Surving An Affair if they have it at the store. If nothing else I think I need to get a better grasp of Plan A and Plan B to decide if its whats right for us. And while I'm at it I may look into one about SA. Maybe that will convince me one way or the other if thats the problem...

Just because he doesn't feel like what he's doing is out of the ordinary means it is.
Don't place your beliefs on his justifications. Isn't he a bit old to use the "boys will be boys" excuse?

On d-day, my husband told me "All men look at porn" through huge tears. That was his addict voice speaking. I did some more snooping, and called him on it. I got the truth on d-day+1 and gave him the choice.

Even if it isn't an addiction, it's still unacceptable behavior (hence the suggestion to read the boundaries book).

What is your gut telling you about all of this?

Do NOT reveal your sources but print off hard copies and keep them in a safe place. Give it your best shot for 3-4 months and if nothing changes, you will know for the rest of your life that you did all that u could.

Please do not think that I am saying that his defense makes his behavior acceptable at all. I don't buy it for one minute. I'm just saying it makes me feel like its going to happen again...
I'm not going into this situation blindly, I understand that this is probably what will happen, but I have to give it one last shot with everything I've got. I posted this on another thread but I suppose I should say it here too so I'll copy and paste.

"Although we've been through all this before I feel like this is the first time I'm really being proactive. This is the first time I've given him distinct boundaries and this is the first time I've put everything I have into meeting his needs and giving him no reason to stray (not that there's a justifiable one anyway). I still feel that it is inevitable, but I have to give it everything I've got before I walk out and I have to have evidence that there is no way for him to argue his way out of."

In working things out in the past I've always made the mistake of just saying "you can't do that it hurts me". I've never set guidelines and made it perfectly clear what is expected of him. And I always go in strong meeting his EN's but then fade out over time.
The last time this happened (10 months ago) I did print everything out and put it away. I have never revealed my sources except for the confrontation after the first incident. That time stupid me thought he would stop. After that I learned to always come up with another explanation of how I knew. If it happens again I won't even bother with an explanation. I'm sure he'll find out soon enough after I show his family anyway.

Oh and I just received great news (note the sarcasm)- He is probably going to get sent to another state for work in a week or two. He has to go or he'll be fired and we went through hell to get that job. I have know idea how we're supposed to make it through this. It is a neighboring state though so maybe we'll be able to figure something out...

Its over. Skipping Plan B and moving straight to Plan D. Need to get a few ducks in a row before I drop the bomb though. I'm so disgusted...

I NEED HELP...

Knew that the latest OW was young, just found out that she is a MINOR. H is almost 30! Never had any trouble going to OW, but don't quite know how to approach her parents with this. No evidence of PA, but even EA is sick enough...

Sorry to keep posting but I did some research, even if SA did occur she is above consenting age in my state. In this case should I even tell the parents? I'm NOT trying to save this marriage so exposure serves no purpose there. H has been friends of the family since he was a kid, don't think they know but don't know if they would care....

I'm so sorry.
I don't know much about the exposure stuff.

Have you seen a lawyer?

You should tell the parents, WH's boss, his family, and law enforcement. Get an immediate injunction keeping him away from you and the rest of your family. Separate financially ASAP. Being with a minor could open you, as his wife, up to a civil suit if the parents decide to sue (I'm not an attorney, but it just stands to reason).

Wow. What a slimeball.

See a lawyer first thing in the morning. Find a good one and camp out on their doorstep if that is required.

HC, don't worry about continuing to post. That is why this forum exists.

As to exposing, yeah! You should! To her parents. To law enforcement. His boss.

He will be angry. He will say all sorts of horrible things. But, it is important to bust the affair wide open and let everyone impacted know what is going on. That is the only way to end the affair. Afterwards, some marriages are rebuilt and some are not.

But, this affair with a minor needs to be totally exposed.

In some states, anyone who has knowledge of a 30 yr old having sex with a minor can be charged with a crime if they don't go to police. You can destroy yourself trying to hide this.

I would simply only go to police on this one, not to her parents, or anyone else. That's your only social obligation at this point.

Your husband has taken that next step down the pipeline of addiction that all addictions left untreated go down. Jails, institutions and death.

You literally are saving his life but he will not see it that way. To him you will be destroying it because being charged with a sex crime against a child has lifetime repercussions.

You seriously don't have a choice though.

But does that means she can consent only with another minor? I don't think it applies to an adult. Call you local PD and ask them?

I'd talk to a lawyer before I went to the police.

Everything KaylaAndy said was spot on.

However in your posting, you don't seem clear that you know for sure that there was a PA.

I'm afraid for the sake of arguement, that if there really is no PA, and you bring this to the police, your husband could use this against you in a divorce court.

I live in a 50-50 state that's getting more progressive about father's rights. If my husband was still an active sex addict and I divorced him, likely he's still get equal custody of our kids.

From what reading I've done a few support boards, many kids DO find out about their dad's activities. The results aren't great.

When I gave my husband the ultimatum, I did so because I didn't want my child to be exposed to porn. I didn't want my kid to learn self-medicating behavior from my husband. I didn't want my kid to be an addict. I really didn't care about my husband's addiction..I needed to protect my kid.

Yes irc, that is my exactly my thinking and was my reasoning for wanting to go to the parents first. I have absolutlely no evidence of PA, and was primarily thinking of protecting this girl. Of course her parents could do with it whatever they wanted, but I'm afraid if I do it I will appear to be a scorned wife looking for revenge and it could come back to hurt me in the end. Of course I will also take the advice of my attorney in this matter...

It seems that at this point she had ended things with him. He responded in a way of trying to keep his options with her open, then last night she said that she is walking away because she does not want to ruin what appears to be a good thing that he has with me. I am so amazed someone her age has this kind of maturity.

However I am still leaving and blowing this out of the water. I could forgive before because at least the OW were old enough with the life experience to realize what they were getting themselves into. But this time he was out to hurt her as well as me. I can't see at all why a man his age would pursue a girl her age except for sex. I get so nauseated thinking about it.

Confrontation with scummy H tonight. Wish me luck...

Confrontation went well last night. Of course there were the usual lies but no screaming. Maybe its because I chose not to respond to anything he said except for asking him to leave. He left without incident.

Its so funny that every time I confront him about something he denies it until I lay out the proof. Does he really think that after all the times that has happened I would ask him to leave based on assumption? He has to know I have proof of some kind, but I guess its deny deny deny until he knows what proof I have for him to adapt his lies around. It doesn't really matter anyway, beginning the search for an attorney today. I have no idea who's any good nor do I have anyone to ask. I guess I'll just have to hope luck is on my side there.

I think I'm going to stop posting. H knows I come here and I don't want him to know whats going on. Also I guess it seems to everyone that I should have done this along time ago so I don't know how much advice there is for me.