Thanks all for your support.

I'm beat today as a result of a morning trip with DD yesterday.

I went to pick her up thinking that I was taking her to the doctor. When she gets in the car, she doesn't know if she has an appt. yesterday or next week. Forgot the paper. Then she says she has to go see her PO. Turns out she is on house arrest for the theft of the baby name book. I dropped her off downtown, and because I didn't know I was going downtown, I had no cash to park. I ended up driving around the block 99 times.

While I was driving I decided to call the PO to see how much longer she would be. He told me that she had a new PO since she was on house arrest. He also told me that she violated probabtion by having cocaine in her urine 6 weeks ago and not continuing to go to rehab like she was ordered to do.

Needless to say, when she got back in the car I was very upset. I told her how disgusted I was that she continues to use that crap while pregnant. Just like her father, she turns to attack me. All my fault. Yep. I'm a horrible mom, I don't care, I should be supporting her, taking her to doctor appts., it's no wonder dad hates me, he says I'm a liar etc. and on and on and on.

When she got out, she asked me if I wanted my book. When I looked confused, she says "you didn't think he would want anything that YOU sent, did you?" Ouch. Oh, and she's going to get a restraining order against me. ???

I'm just tired. I'm not sure why, but I seem to be everyone's problem and I don't know how to fix it.

Chai,

Ok, well, you have your book back

You know what is going on with daughter

If she gets a restraining order against you :crosseyedcrazy: then you will more able to remove yourself from her mess.

I know you have concerns about her ability to be a suitable parent. I know you do not want her in your home. I know you are not eager to take on raising her child. Are you prepared to notify the authorities about her inability to care for the baby, if that should become evident?

Have you considered notifying them at this point? Using addictive drugs while pregnant could be considered abuse, I would think.

CL

Send her my way so I can beat the "my own censoring" out of her. HOW DARE HER.....

In one way I guess you can see how BOTH of them are just like each other. SELFISH, SELF-CENTERED, CRAZY and POISONOUS.....

We LOVE you.....

Cinder, Queenie, Luna,

She didn't actually give me the book back, so I assume that he didn't take it and that she still has it.

I've written the judge letters, and so has the baby's aunt. We've both shown up in court and begged the judge to mandate some sort of in-patient rehab but instead she put her on house arrest.

Can she be a parent? No way. She's a 13 year old in a 26 year old's body. Really, it is like being with a 13 year old - obsessed with the cell phone. If you take her to buy groceries, she gets kool aid, candy, and fruit loops, and she is verbally very nasty. True behavior of a 13 year old.

I can't raise a baby. Heck, I'm barely supporting myself now. I guess I just have to be strong enough to call child services. I hate the thought of it. If I weren't alone now, I would take the baby.

Thanks again for the support guys. I feel defeated at the moment, but I'm sure I'll pull myself up. I usually do, but the older I get, the harder it gets. I look at all the destruction that is a direct result of this A, and I just want to barf. Family destruction, financial destruction, business demise, lack of support for DD, and on and on..... Just unbelievable.

Gosh, Chai, it seems like the only decision you really have to make is whether to enable your daughter or not. I'm not trying to be harsh, but she needs to put her big girl pants on now, and she needs to do it by/for herself.

She will only feed on what you give her, IMO. She will use up anyone or anything that gets in her path.

They don't call is tough love for nothing. It's tough on the kids and it's tough on the parents, who just want to HELP.

CL

Chai, I know this is hard...I know you have written the judge. Have you contacted the agency which handles neglected or abused children?

SL, Cinder,

Thanks for the replies. No Cinder, I haven't contacted any agency yet, however the baby's aunt has checked into things. They can't really do anything until the baby is born. If it is born addicted, they will take it immediately. If not, they won't be able to do anything until she does something to harm the baby. Her PO told me that they can't just take a baby because they think the mother won't be a good parent. Great, wait until the baby is mistreated.

I just can't be around her anymore. I start to have panic attacks and I feel my blood pressure shoot sky high. Just the thought of it anymore puts me into a panic. That's not good.

I just want peace. I'm getting too tired to fight. I'm just so close to telling the Atty to give WH what he wants and get the d@mn thing signed. I'm getting headaches, my limbs feel heavy, and my back hurts. I know it is just the stress of all of this, but it just feels like I'm crumbling under the weight. I think I've now accepted that the M is over, which in some ways has been a relief, but has created confusion too. Confusion about my future.

This too shall pass. I'm smart enough now to know the ups and downs. My 2 year DDay anniversary is coming (Xmas) so that has me a little triggered too I think. That holiday will never be the same.

Chai,

Sweetie, I wish I had some wonderful awesome advice for you. I can't imagine the pain that you are feeling with the sitch with your daughter & grandbaby. It sounds to me like separating yourself from the sitch (at least for now) may be your only option. I'd say it's fairly certain that it would be the only way that you can keep yourself in a place where when she is ready (hopefully) to accept your help, you will be able to do it.

With the anniversary approaching, the on going D sitch, and the usual holiday stress approaching, it is very very important that you start finding ways to de-stress, as well as making specific plans/taking actions to change the holidays into something NEW for you. New decorations so as to not trigger from the old,,,,,New traditions to include new places, new people, even new foods to make/bake/give. Whatever you can think of to make a Chai Holiday Season. It is not easy the first time around, but you will find more peace if you can do just some of these things.

As for the D, do not make decisions to "just let it happen" when you are feeling such stress. You will regret it later on. Find that strength that we all know lies within you to fight. Even if it means that you postpone for now while you re-group. The outcome of this effects your new future and it's worth every ounce of fight necessary. You are worth it!! Don't forget that!!

Hi CL,

How are you doing today?


Given the symptoms you are showing, I agree with Bugs.


I have been working at doing this, CL. Please try it...it's what I call creating 'new history' and it will help to put some sort of 'distance' and help reduce the triggering.


I agree with Bugs...definitely wait to be at a 'stronger' place before making any kind of decision like this and set yourself up for future regrets.

I am sorry, CL, for the 'tough times'. OTOH, it does leave a lot of room to go...UP!

CL

Do not give him everything he wants!!! You hear me!!!! Do I have to 'splain that to you???

I know that you all are right in that I shouldn't give in. This is my future we're talking about and I know I need to fight, but I just don't know if I will gain anything when I look at the atty fees that are being spent. We aren't millionaires.

I've begun to move into the acceptance phase though, which I think is good. More and more I am accepting that I will be D'd, and maybe it won't be all that bad. There is something to be said for coming home to a place that I love, that looks like it did when I left in the morning, it's all mine, and I have peace here. I like that. It's lonely, but I like the peace. I'd like to do some painting, but I hate to paint alone. Any volunteers?

I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving. Cheers!

If it's any consolation, karma is going to kick your STBXWH's cheating butt all over town one of these days...

What goes around comes around.

I'm a vengeful sort (Yes I know that's not healthy) so I'd take pleasure in seeing karma wreak its havoc with your STBXWH.

You know Karma, to some extent I believe it has. I am thinking that maybe OW really did drop him. Perhaps because of his heart attack and the fact that he is out of money. DD mentioned that he stopped over several times recently, and someone I know said that they saw him over by where we used to live. Since OW lives in another state, the fact that he is back in town so much signals that something is up.

Hi CL,


I am with you on this one...amidst the chaos...peace seems...priceless!

Can I be next in line for volunteers to paint?

Sounds like you are doing much better CL.

I also agree...that it's important to weigh in the price for 'fighting' a WS, as sometimes I think it really is not worth it. Right now, I am just not sure how to best evaluate that...I am not sure if just 'hoping' that one day soon, by focusing on managing today as best as I can, is going to be enough to get me there... seeing that so many elements are out of our control, for better or worse.

This is where coming here helps a lot.... finding understanding, support, advice, sharing of experiences to finally trust ourselves....that like everyone has, we will get through this....and actually, have already gotten through a LOT!

Take care, CL.

Luna,

Yes, the peace is good. I only know one thing, and that is I am happier her alone than I was in my big house alone with a lying and cheating WH. THAT was driving me to a serious health issue - always hearing lies, snooping, disbelieving, wondering, getting frustrated etc. I hope that you can say that you are in a better place without all of that crapola too.

You just can't fight them Luna. The sooner we realize that the better off we will be.

Chai, please e-mail me at cinderella 4 mb at yahoo dot com

Chai,

Just wanted to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. :gobblegobble:

I know I haven't posted to you in awhile, but want you to know you are doing the right thing with DD. Tough love hon.

You aren't the only one going thru it with addict children.

My 31 yo son is currently in jail for an assault charge. Won't be out till the end of January, and is hating me right now because I wouldn't let him come to me when he went awol on a day pass about 6 weeks ago.

However, with all the nasty things he said to me when I told him I would not harbor a fugitive, he turned himself back in, and it looks like he did not get any extra time.

The charge was because he was off sobriety and on drugs again. He lost control. He does real well for a time and then he falls. It has been a struggle for him for about 15 years. When he is clean he does really well, but has so much guilt and pain that it is hard for him. Until he deals with his issues with his father he will never heal. It hurts me so much to see him be abusive like his dad. Long story, I divorced his dad due to his physical/mental abuse of me and boys, loooooooong story.

I have had to give tough love, and not let him abuse me. That stopped when I divorced his dad. They NEED this. Keep setting those healthy boundaries, and pray that God will save their life.
Send the angels to watch over them. It is all you can do sometimes. You are doing good.

Just know that you are not alone. I see you help DD when you can, but not support her lifestyle. This is very healthy. Don't worry about what your DD says. You are doing the right thing, and it is okay to find out what is really happening, it helps you to set the right boundaries.

And yes, the law sucks when it comes to protection. They don't like to intecede until the damage is done. Very sad.

Just want you to know I keep up with you, just very, very busy and not much time to post.

I wanted to tell you that you are a wonderful woman, and you are WORTHY. Hang in there lady. :pumkin:

God Bless, you and yours are in my prayers.

Love in Christ
Miss M

Cinder,

I emailed you girlfriend, but you aren't there. Where are you??

Miss M,

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. Some days it really gets me down. Since addiction runs on WH's side of the family, I fear that this is a life long problem for her. I've learned to stop enabling, but the baby brings in a different set of problems for sure. And I have set boundaries. She no longer calls me an FB. She knows that if she ever does that again, I won't come around. She'll still argue with me though.

I do continue to pray that she will see the light. I will include your son in my prayers as well.

The first part of the address should read: cinderella4mb@ yahoo.com

Contemplating yarn needs.