We are both 35 with two children 10 and 4 yo. She's been looking for something else from about two years, either by Internet parship.com, then an emotional relationship, and now she confesed a sexual affair. She says he understands her, supports her, protects her, etc., and I don't (even when I believed I did). She doesn't say who is he. The information I got comes completely from her, and its changing and confusing. He was first a mutual longtime friend, now he's an older coworker. She hasn't him for more than a month, now for only two weeks. She hasn't any hope of a real relationship with him, even when before she said he was leaving her wife. About us, she says she doesn't love me anymore, but then she doesn't want me to leave. She does't tell me the true, but she agreed to marriage counseling and individual counseling. As a side note, I'm already in therapy with an impulsivity problem since more than two years, and her new doctor diagnosed a long time distimic disorder with an ongoing major depression.
I've many doubts. I was posting at another website, and followed several advices. However, it seems its a must my wife discloses all the true, and she has refused. I'm now being adviced to follow a 180 route: don't look for her, basically politely ignoring her, and getting stronger. I can't follow this route, I'd prefer to improve our relationship, but it seems this would be throwing perls to pigs, according to this "180 route". My friends also advice me to keep my distance, since "she is very sure about you"
In resume: I only know what she tells me, she doesn't know what she want, I want to stay married, but don't want her to cheat me, she accepts MC and IC, but isn't totally honest.
Thanks for your time.

The 180 only really appears to have effect when divorce is imminent.

Please examine what it is to do plan A here in the articles on this site. And yes, continue to snoop.

Do be clever and get a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

Meanwhile, keep reading these site articles.

Here is what is recommended for someone finding out. Hire a private detective to gather the information you need about her affair. It will be worth the money - your marriage is worth that much, isn't it?

Find out who he is, his wife and her phone number/address, where he actually works and their phone number/address. Once you have all the information, you spend one day, as close together as you can so that they don't know you're doing it and don't have time to spin their own version telling everyone about the affair. That's called exposing the affair. What it does is make it so uncomfortable and so NOT fun for them any more that they may decide to break it up on their own. It also increases the likelihood that one of those people you tell about it (his wife, his boss, your wife's boss, their family members) will put pressure on them to stop it.

Your wife will be mad at you - expect it. But calmly say you are fighting to save your marriage and the only way is for the affair to stop and for her to tell the truth.

Do that, and report back here.

Thanks for your help. What troubles me more is this: All information I have comes from her. If she hadn't tell me anything, I'll probably never have known. She says she had sex once, and it was precisely after her mother died. However, the last words of her mother to her were that "she didn't make the same mistake and stay with a non-working relationship". My mother-in-law had several important problems with her husband, and we had a very good relationship until the last day I saw her, when we fighted for no reason at all. It seems somehow she believed I was violent with my wife (which I don't, I even sometimes think I was a victim of some kind of psychological violence), as my wife's father was with my MIL. My MIL said other disturbing things about me to my wife before dying (I can't believe this, because they're totaly false and even irrational, and I even think as a doctor myself that her disease had caused some mental consequences) which I think deeply influenced her affair.

My IC says I should do what I feel, and I want to trust my wife. Our MC (two sessions already) told her it was important to do not see the OM again. My wife agreed. In fact the MC told it wasn't important I knew who was the OM, and that it was much more important to work in our relationship.

I'll like to think the fact this wasn't a longtime relationship (they knew from 5 years ago, but were friends from a couple of weeks, and then have sex once), the very important predisponing factor of her mother's last words, and that my wife seems interested in recovering, makes this different from other cases of infidelity I see here. I'll like to think I can follow my IC and MC and work in the our relationship, trusting she'll not see him (talk with him) again. In fact, she already asked a change to another hospital (she's a doctor) and a change to another section of her same hospital, and is waiting if her boss aproves any of those. We're also in the process of moving to our own home, and have several projects together, which she still pursues.

Will I be making a big mistake if I allowed some time to see how our relationships go, and then, and only then, make some snooping?

Ok, you are probably spot on about her doing something because of what her mother said. We are all extremely connected to our parents, alive or dead. It's an incrediblely strong pull, to want to please our parents.

However. You NEED to take a good, hard look at your marriage. Have you read all the material here about Love Busters and Emotional Needs? Have you changed? Why not? Talk to us!

Not important to know who the OM is.

How are you to be able to verify NC, no contact with the OM if you don't know his identity?

Not ask questions.

How are you to know how they contacted so you can verify that there are no contacts?

"she already asked a change to another hospital (she's a doctor) and a change to another section of her same hospital, and is waiting if her boss aproves any of those"

This sounds as if she works with the OM. In that case your WW must leave this group of hospitals. For they can wind up working close again. Restarting the affair.

Only you know what you need to know about this affair. Ask for what you need.

Yes, they both work at the same floor of physicians' offices. My wife asked to be changed to the emergency room, so she can study a specialty in emergency medicine. She has just realized the OM is very similar physically to her father.

I'll keep insisting about who is he. They contacted because my wife is very social, she always chats with her coworkers, patients, etc.

We always were very honest, even about this matters. She had told me before about every man she liked. However, she never told me about this man, she feel he was different somehow (now she discovered it was because his similarity to her father). They started to communicate, and this married man take the opportunity and had sex with a 20 years younger woman. Of course he was kind, gentle. My wife says he is almost as she wished her father were. As she is a doctor, of course knows about the Elektra syndrom.

It seems it could be easy I investigated who is he, just visiting her at her job and looking for a male 55yo physician who looked like her father and worked at the same floor at the same turn. There should less than 10 candidates there.

I haven't finished reading. I'm working hard in the Love Busters, and I'm translating the cuestionary of Emotional Needs, because she reads very few english. I'm really trying to change, to be more patient, less selfish, and to spend more time together. I already ordered the "Surviving an affair" book, but since I live in Mexico it could take a while for it to arrive. I also know I have to be stronger, and to be more determined.

However, I still don't take dance classes (her favorite entertaining activity, I don't know how to dance), and I get depressed when we talk about our arrangments for the home we recently purchased, or when we go looking for furniture or other items for it. I think "How can we try to build a home if we could be separated in a near future?". She believes taking about our home is good for our relationship.

We also have about two weeks without sex, she says that "I think she is impure and dirty". I told her the contrary, and I'm not pushing her about this.

solitario,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders. I'm sorry you have the need to be here but you have found a place to get great help and advice.

In your last post you mentioned two weeks without sex. You also mentioned you(?) and your W are doctors. I'm positive you are aware of the dangers of STD's and since you know your W has been intimate with someone else, PLEASE don't delay getting tested. AND having your W tested also.

sol, the marital counseling isn't going to help IF your W is still in contact with the OM. I read that she currently works with him. How else do they keep in touch? Home phones, cell phones, text, computer? You need to find out.

OK, it's an older doctor on the same floor that looks like her father. Surely it can't be that difficult for you or someone you know or hire to find out who it is.

IMO your WW doesn't want to tell you who it is because she's afraid you'll squeal to HR and cause him to lose his job and/or perhaps his family. Her primary concerns therefore do not lie with you or your M at the moment.

Once you find out who it is, raise it with HR and let the chips fall where they may.

I finally found out who is this man, because a previous lover of him called me (why am I in this things ). I then talked with my wife

I can't recognize her anymore. She's acting in a very shaming way. She says she knows he is married, knows about his other lovers, yet she looked for him. He told her "I knew we would be together, I just didn't think it would be as soon". She says she doesn't feel anything for me, she tries to look for a reason to stay, but only finds our children. She says she would accept the OM, even knowing he won't give her anything, and even when he already prevented her to respect certain times so his wife don't know about this affair. She's acting very strange, almost begging him. I'm really sad for my wife, she doesn't deserve this.

Her history is that he was flirting her since some time ago, she then told him she wanted to be with him, had sex the next day (everybody in the clinic knows this!), and supposedly she finished with him a few days latter, even when he told her he wants to mantain the affair. However, she stills talks to him (she confess she called him right after I told her my findings), and says that "when she is near him she wants so much him to hug her"

We agreed to give it a try. We're going to our MC, she agreed to don't talk to him for anything but job, she agreed to change her phone number, she has asked her change to another clinic, and told me to go with her at her job as frequently as possible. She even was introducing me to everyman she found in the clinic as her husband. However, she recognizes she misses OM so much, and is very uncertain if she would be able to resist this.

This man confessed at least four affairs to my wife, managed to remove the doctor who called me to another clinic when his wife found about her (he's a supervisor). I called his wife, but she didn't take the call saying "she wasn't interested in pieces of gossip.". It seems they're taking MC (¿¿??)

I am sorry you find yourself here with this situation. There is plenty of good advice on this site, if you listen and plan.

Gather all the information you can - phone records, emails,letters, gifts, etc.... and then expose, expose, expose, wherever you can find leverage to break it up. When you have proof, it is no longer gossip and workplaces take a dim view of affairs disrupting the workplace. Four affairs - this guy sounds like some sort of workplace predator.

Remember that your wife is not herself right now. My FWH turned into the biggest liar - SO unlike his normal self. Many have compared the WS's attitude to being invaded by aliens. Totally bizarre.

Best wishes to you.

AM

Thanks for your words. I don't know what is the reality, but I believe there were really one sexual encounter a month and a half ago, and now he wants sex with her, and she resists, but still she talks with him in person and maybe by phone.

So, I don't believe (expect) to get more convincing proof (hopefully!).

The ONLY way she will stop seeing him is if you EXPOSE the affair to their boss, his wife, his family, her family, your friends, and your family. You HAVE to do this! They ALL have to know! You can not trust her to stop this on her own. You have to expose it.

I talked again with my wife about this. She knows she is making a mistake, she knows this man is a bad person, she knows he doesn't offer her anything, she knows she should stop this affair, yet she doubts if she caan stop seeing him.

I talked with her friends. I don't know if I should talk with her boss because my wife had problems with him in the past, and I'm afraid he can use this against her. I'm waiting to have the phone record to go with the wife of OM. My family? Should my mother know this? Won't this make just a trouble between then two? They see frequently because my mother watches our children daily, but my mother never liked my wife.