I can't shake the feeling that everything is not yet on the table. My H expressed last week (during a television show) that people should be protected from the truth if the truth is something that would hurt them or alter their relationships. That bothers me a great deal, not only because he's lied in the past, but because it tells me that he would never speak the truth to me if he thought it would harm me or our relationship. He has never come forward out of guilt; I've had to bust him.

So I'm thinking of making him take a polygraph. He's said before that he would take one if I wanted him to. But he's also bragged that his father passed one while lying, and that he feels certain he could do the same.

Does anyone here have any experience with this?

I'm thinking I should 'surprise' him with it. To not give him time to prepare to 'beat it'. I'm in contact with a local place, have not yet set the appointment. I guess my biggest concern is that if he passes, would I trust the results given that he's said he could beat it? Would it just be a big waste of time and money, and I'd still be left with the feeling that I can't trust him? Has the technology improved drastically between his father's test (early 80's) and now, making them much harder to 'beat'?

I don't think there's anything currently going on...but there are some questionable things from the past that I just don't believe I'm getting the truth about. And I'm having a heck of a time moving forward with lingering questions of the past. I have never caught him cheating, but there are several incidents where I think that he may have, and if he has, then we have to bring that out and deal with it if we have any hope of moving forward.

Thanks.

do not surprise him with it. Give him about 1 weeks notice.

He won't beat the test. There are changes in how the test is now done...but bottom line, if properly done, it is a very valuable tool.

His saying he could beat it is just a ploy...don't fall for it. He is a liar and should not be trusted.

So you think it's a good idea, then? The guy that I found worked for 20 years with the Dept of Justice and the DEA as a polygraph examiner, is a member of APA and AAPA, has conducted over 3500 tests...sound like good qualifications to get a good result? It does to me, but whadda I know about polygraphs?

CWM,

Took one myself, if he is cocky and thinks he can fake it let him think so. If the examiner is good and experienced then he dosen't stand a chance. Those guys hardly even need to look at the traces to know a liar. Its like being brought before God.

NJ

NJ, I'm sold! Will call today to set it up, will let H know a week before.

CWM,

With those credentials you H is a sitting duck.

NJ

The utter disrespect in that comment makes my blood boil. As if the rapist knows what is "best" for his victim. He is the least qualified of anyone to make a judgment about your best interest. That is nothing but pure de' conflict avoidance dressed as "compassion." As if you are too stupid and incompetent to know the truth about your own life. Give me a break...

Melody, pretty much made my blood boil, too, and we had some heated words about it, where he once again accused me of having a Jeckyl and Hyde personality. Uh, right. Sitting there calmly and then being aghast at a stupid comment does not a personality disorder make!

lololol...NEW DEVELOPMENT.

My first choice of examiners isn't available until January, and I thought I could wait it out...but I'm impatient. So I contacted my second choice (also a 20-year federal examiner) and he can do it...NEXT WEEK!

lolol...so yesterday evening, me and h were in the kitchen and I was getting ready to head up to the corner store for some milk.

I walked over to him and smooched him and said, "Remember when you said you'd take a polygraph for me?"

And he smooched back and said, "Yeah."

I had my arms around his shoulders, looking deep into his eyes and asked, "Are you still willing to do that for me?"

He kissed me again and said, "Of course." Another kiss. "I'll do whatever you want, honey."

So I hug him real nice and pull back again so I can look at him and I ask, "How about next Wednesday at 11?" lololol

Talk about a demeanor change! My H is very olive-skinned, but I believe he woulda passed for one of my Irish ancestors at that moment. He stammered, "Wha-wha-wha-where?" I told him. "By who?" I gave him the guy's name. "Well, you know I don't really believe those things are accurate." I'm comfortable with the accuracy, dear! "Who's gonna pay for this???" You are, dear. lolol.

So I thanked him for agreeing to do this for me and walked out the door. He was very quiet and sullen when I got back. The only thing he said to me last night was "Do we have MC this week?" I told him we did. He said, "Good." Should be an interesting session, ya think?

lolol. I lurves me some truth-tellin'. Gonna get me some!

GREAT.

Now, make sure you follow through and do not cancel this test for any reason!

I remember a couple years ago, there was some reality show where contestants took polygraph tests to see if they were lying? Was it "Biggest Liar?" I just can't remember the name.

There was this one married woman who had an A w/ex-BF and said that she would go back to her ex-BF if given the chance.

I remember seeing how devastated the H was. He ended up leaving her after the show. Actually, I don't blame him.

I think that the polygraph can be a valuable tool. I'd rather be in my M with my eyes open, rather than have things hidden from me. I want to know exactly what I'm dealing with.

Oh, I won't cancel. If H backs out and won't do it, I'm going straight to plan B.

Maribel, we used to watch that show! I liked how the host kept getting more and more uncomfortable, he'd be like, "Are you SURE you want to continue?" I think he felt pretty scuzzy by the time it went off the air.

Yep, I'm an eyes-open, card-on-the-table girl myself. We're in MC and working on things, I just want to be assured that we're working on the RIGHT things, working from TRUTH. I don't want a partial fix, or a false reconciliation. We can either deal with everything, or we may as well deal with nothing, ya know?

I'm surprised by how arrogant people can be, by believing that they can beat the polygraph test. I'm sure that there are people who can beat it, but the majority can't.

I agree that you have to work from "the truth," or you'll have a partial fix. Plus, everytime you find out something new, you may go back to square one.

Yeah, I watched the arrogance drain right out of him last night. Funny how they feel so confident that they can do something until the point comes where they have to put up or shut up, lol.

I can barely wait for tomorrow's MC session. And, of course, next week. It's like finally seeing the light at the end of a very long tunnel. I'm going to have what I need to make decisions about the rest of my life. Either I'm going to be able to let go of my suspicions, or I'm going to have a new decision to make about my marriage, whether it is recoverable or not. I'm just so ready to get out of limbo.

Wow, this was a great decision for you. Your relief is so apparent in your posts. You're going to get some solid footing, and that's SUCH a big deal. It's just impossible to build on shifting sand.

It will be interesting to see how he changes in the days leading up to the polygraph, too. You might have some 11th hour confessions about things you wouldn't think to question him about. It's going to feel great to have all the cards on the table and have fresh air in the room again.

Thanks, turtle, I am relieved. I can take Those Questions and put them aside for a bit, knowing that I will soon have the answers.

He already has a different demeanor today from yesterday. Very "I love you," not a word about the test, and I don't know if I'm imagining it, but it seems like he hangs at the end of every conversation, like he has something else to say but can't find the words. I met him for lunch, he was all eyes on me, where usually he's the type to people watch and scarf and split. He wanted to linger. Called me as soon as I got home. Missed me already.

lol...if he thinks he can smooth his way out of this, he's got another think coming! He volunteered for it! All the times he's said, "If you don't believe me, I'll take a polygraph!" I've just sighed. Bet he thought I'd never actually make him take one, lol.

I don't think he knew that just any old Jane Doe could arrange a polygraph.

...and I was right. He thought that only police and employers could arrange polygraphs. lololol. WRONG!

I haven't even gotten into why he kept telling me he'd take one if he believed that could never happen. I figure why bother...moot point now, lol! Hook him up and make him squirm, Mr. Examiner!

Bwa-ha-ha!

cwmi,

In my former job, I worked in a position where we routinely administered polygraph examinations.

Interesting experiences there!

Lots of folks think they can fool them. Not so many actually can, though. Out of over 2500 that I was privy to, there were very few who got over on us. Under 5. And there were quite a few who attempted to lie and were captured by the exam - the experienced examiners were able to "corner" them so to speak - and the truth ultimately came out.

The guys used to talk about them more as "memory machines". Somehow, people seem to recall events so much more CLEARLY when hooked up, and all of a sudden seem to be able to tell the truth and recall things they just could NOT REMEMBER just even a few short minutes before!

We had MANY people come in and confess things right before getting hooked up to the machine - they would come and tell us that they lied on applications, used drugs, had guns on them, had committed crimes, you name it. Just all sorts of confessions right before the polygraph even began.

Strange but true.


So don't be surprised if he suddenly gets nervous and starts to tell you the truth right before he goes in for testing.

But don't cancel the exam. You follow through, because he needs to see your strength and conviction. I think this is one of the more important things you will do.

Is there something I've said to make people think I would even consider canceling?

I've bolded your words that are my thoughts, feelings, and convictions. Taking this step has freed me in ways I could never have imagined before. I have the release of knowing that I will soon have answers, but to deny myself those answers that will soon come??? No way in hades. Not one. No chance. I do wish I didn't have to do this...who wouldn't prefer to take their spouse at their word? But I have enough questions, and a bundle of children, and I owe it to my family to turn every stone, use every resource, and most importantly, USE MY HEAD when making decisions.

For that, I need all the information. I think this will fill in the gaps.

Today, I am a very happy gal. I have a step to take. I have access to information. Short of total confidence, I can't think of anything better!