It's amazing how so many WSs "want their marriage back" after they've had their fun.

I think davpen should move back home and agree with what you.

davpen, what specifically is your W uncomformtable with? You mentioned she feels you are shoving the reconcilation down her throat. If that's the case, back off. Ask her under what circumstance you can move back - sleep on the couch, not pressure her to talk, etc. If she already has it in her mind that you are going to guilt her, pressure her then yeah she won't want you around. Don't assume what's going on in her head. Ask her and proceed accordingly.

I'll bring up the idea again today...

I don't know what she is uncomfortable with exactly. That deserves a question by me to her. Maybe it is all of the talking that i'm doing. I'm really trying to tone it down and just doing...actions do speak louder than any words and I'm trying to do that in spite of the poor odds of reconciling, in light of everything. I went there an hour or so and got the kids ready for the day (Family is a top priority), cleaned up a little (domestic needs is high on her EN list).

By the way, could someone define all of the abbreviations...like BS,WS,etc..? Thanks.

Most Common MB Acronyms (Alphabetically):

BS = Betrayed Spouse
D-Day = Discovery Day
DH = Divorced Husband or Darling Husband
DJ = Disrespectful Judgement
DV-Day = Divorce Day
DW = Divorced Wife or Dear Wife
EA = Emotional Affair
EN = Emotional Needs
FWH = Former Wayward Husband
FWW = Former Wayward Wife
FOO = Family of Origin
FS = Faithful Spouse ("betrayed")
G&T = "Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"
H = Husband
HNHN = "His Needs, Her Needs"
LB = Love Bust(er)
MB = Marriage Builders
MLC = Mid-life Crisis
OC = Other Child (S's and OP's)
OM = Other Man
OMW = Other Man's Wife
OP = Other Person
OPS = Other Persons's Spouse
OW = Other Woman
OWH = Other Woman's Husband
PA = Physical Affair
POJA = The Policy of Joint Agreement
S = Spouse
SAA = "Surviving An Affair"
SAHD = Stay At Home Dad
SAHM = Stay At Home Mom
SF = Sexual Fulfillment
SO = Significant Other
W = Wife
WAW = Walk Away Wife
WH = Wayward Husband
WW = Wayward Wife
WS = Wayward Spouse ("betrayer")

Relationship Acronyms:
BF = Biological Father/Boyfriend
BIL = Brother In Law
BM = Biological Mother
DD = Darling Daughter
DS = Darling Son
FIL = Father In Law
GF = Girlfriend
GP = Grand Parent(s)
MIL = Mother In Law
SD = Step Daughter
SF = Step Father
SIL = Sister In Law
SM = Step Mother
SS = Step Son
STBX = Soon To Be Ex

MB specific Acronyms (CB MB forum members)
CB = Coined By
P.U.S.H. = Pray Until Something Happens (CB… NSR... see Inspire (20))
PTC = Patience, Time and Consistency (CB… NSR... for Plan A to work!)
TDNT = That Do Nothing Thing (CB… NSR/RMA)

Generally accepted Acronyms:
BTW = By The Way
IMHO = In My Humble Opinion
IMO = In My Opinion
IMVHO = In My Very Humble Opinion
LMAO - Laughing My *Rump* Off
LOL = Laughing Out Loud
ROTFLMAO = Rolling On The Floor Laughing My *Rump* Off
EOM = End Of Message

Divorce/Custody Acronyms:
CP = Custodial Parent
CPS = Child Protective Services
CS = Child Support
CSE = Child Support Enforcement
DCW = Dept. of Child Welfare
FOC = Friend Of the Court
GAL = Guardian Ad Litem
MSOL = Marital Standard Of Living
NCP = Non Custodial Parent
PAS = Parental Alienation Syndrome

Thank you!

The twisted truth is that I saw it as meeting a need and turned to the wrong person for it. I clearly see my very bad judgment now.

Gotta run, but do ask your W to lay the ground rules that will allow you back in the house. If she just can't stand the sight of you that's one thing, but since she's allowed you over even for a little bit I don't think that's the case. If you are smothering her with talk you will have to tone it down.

Thats my plan for today; to ask for ground rules for staying there.

It probably feels very strange to her that ALL OF A SUDDEN the person that is responsible for all the craziness is now doing the PREACHING. Much like a non-church person who has "found religion" and is now preaching to all his/her "church going" friends. LOL Like the saying, "preaching to the choir".

Be very careful about how you try to educate her on this site and the values and beliefs here. It would be better for her to come here and read and study herself.

Aint it thoe.

Great.

Now what is your plan to make sure you never do it again? What is your plan to reasure your wife that you will do everything anyone could ever do to prevent it from happening again?



Notice I didn't say prove to your wife that you will never do it again? Thats becouse there is only one way to prove that you will never do it again. Live the rest of your life without doing these things, untill that happens, you have not proven you wont.

NO, NO, NO!

Not until you offer her your list of what you are willing to do!

You don't ask for anything. You print out the earlier list and letting her decide!!!!

You remember – this list below;
DO THIS FIRST!!!!!!

Walking in and asking for ground rules to move home is just more of the same trash you have used to manipulate and gas light your poor wife for years.

Demonstrate with a course of honest and sincere ACTIONS on your part this time. No more of these half measures just to get what you want!

I am the BW of a sex addict.

I disagree with black_raven and turtlehead - here's why:
black_raven - I do think davpen is likely a sex addict. Davpen should checkout Recovery Nation and do that program. That should be a part of the ACTIONS you are taking, including the postnup and polygraph MEDC suggested.

Turtlehead - in the normal case of BS/WS I'd agree with you. But here, if his BW is uncomfortable, it is because he is making her uncomfortable. He has A LOT to prove to her. He needs to be the one SHOWING her his willingness to work on the marriage, first, by dealing with his addiction.

IMHO, I would drop all the TALK about how much you've learned. My WH did this to me shortly after D-day and it just pissed me off. You have a long, long, long way to go and this just comes across to your BW like you've solved all the problems. She knows better.

Go to Recovery Nation. Deal with your emotional immaturity first. Stop hurting your wife. Once you deal with YOUR PROBLEMS you can work on your marriage. Doing otherwise if like trying to do MB with an active alcoholic or one who is white-knuckling sobriety - it's an exercise in futility. You need to get yourself straight first. Worry about fixing yourself first.

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fade_away, do you mean you wouldn't suggest trying to move into the house, even if it werwe under ground rules she might feel comfortable with? At this point, it seems that she has made her decision to D. The only reason why it doesn't seem absolute to me is that she has told me a few times that she doesn't know how she'll feel in Jan, the earliest date that she can file. What is the point of saying that to me, if she is certain? Maybe there is a little bit of doubt on her part?

My main reasons for being in the house would be to have more time with the kids and to be there for her and demonstrate through actions (not talk anymore...I've exhausted her in that dept) that I can be a person who can support her emotional needs. I would hope that maybe through that she might be willing to give our marriage a chance in the long run.

Thanks for mentioning Recovery Nation; I'll look into it.

I would offer to do all the things suggested by MEDC and work the Recovery Nation program. If she agrees to any of them, YOU need to do the work to get those items done.

Waiting two weeks to make an appointment (!) is not good. You showed her, through your actions, that recovering your marriage is not important as all the other things in your life. SHOW HER she is the priority.

As for returning home, I would only ask her, respectfully, what she needs to have in place for her to reconsider it. Your life should be an open book to her. Your boundaries must be firm to ensure her that your selfish, inappropriate behavior is no longer occurring. She may not even know right now what she needs. If that's the case, that's okay - what can you expect? You should have NO EXPECTATIONS of your BW right now.

You've trashed her davpen. If you are SERIOUS about recovering your marriage, your ACTIONS need to show it, every single day.

It's her right to D you. She has that right. No matter what your BW decides, you need to improve yourself for you, for your kids, and for whatever future relationship you might be in, or you'll just end up doing the same thing to someone else, and leaving this legacy for your children.

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Davpen,
Your still justifying what YOU want and what YOU think is best.

I have been where you are, and agreed to do what I am telling you to do.

Offer the list and then WAIT for her to respond. No more manipulation.

Be patient and wait for her answer.

It is really up to her after that.

If she agrees to attempt recovery, she must feel SAFE.

You trying to just get back home "for the kids" is not safe.

This must be an offer that is solely about your marriage!

Everything else is just a game.

TST -

You are right on. Davpen is still being very manipulative with his 'for the kids' talk. I'm so used to hearing it, I don't always recognize it for what it is!!!

Davpen - don't worry about what your BW is doing. Will she D me, will she stay with me? None of that matters.

Fix yourself. Work on becoming a better person. That better person will be a better father, and a better husband if your BW decides you are worth giving another chance. But that is HER CHOICE. All you can do is everything in your power to be a good choice for her to make, you can't make her choose.

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I see what you mean tst. That may be a more comfortable way for her to make a decision that doesn't feel forced.

Just so I'm clear on all of this, the idea of moving back in can only occur if she is willing to give things a chance...correct? In other words, it would have to be clear that that is what the purpose would be of moving in.

You're right. Thats really what I should focus on...making me a better choice if that is what she wants.

Argh - NO! In phrasing it that way you are trying to get her to commit to recovery. Stop trying to manipulate.

TST is right - just let the moving idea drop for now. Worry about all the other things these posters have given you. Stop worrying about moving in, stop worrying period and FIX YOURSELF.

Give her a list of what YOUR ACTIONS will be. At this point, for your BW, even asking her to let you move back in is a SD. Let her be, fix yourself.

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