My H had an affair that I just found out about. What I want is some opinions on his behavior now.<P>He has said that he was ashamed of what he has done, yet on the other hand he doesn't want to give the OW up. He treats me very kindly now (and the kids). He sees when I'm hurting and gives me long hugs. We've even made love one night, which I don't know if it was a mistake or not - I initiated it. I wanted to feel close to him again, not just for sex. He is willing to go to counseling, our first session is tonight and a Christian counseling place. I want to forgive him and work on putting our marriage back together. He hasn't left or anything yet. My problem is I can't get past the trust issue; I feel like he's holding her in reserves. She contacts him at work still (they work at the same place, altho I guess not directly with each other). Is he just buying time to get through the holidays? Is he confused about what to do?<P>I feel like he deep inside doesn't want to break up his family. Little things like the other day he bought fertilizer for our grass (we have a brand new lawn). If he was going to leave, why would he give a poop about the grass! He calls me when he's at work to let me know how the day is looking as far as coming home, or when he has to work late or on the weekend he lets me know where he is and what he's doing. He's made comments to me about he doesn't know how to win my trust back. Yet, when he looks at me, I see blank shark eyes.<P>Any men know what's going on? Any women had this experience? I am so confused and am finding it hard to keep going. I definitely can't "be myself" which is what he says he wants me to be. <P>Any insight would be helpful. Thanks.

I've been exactly where you are. And I still am. The work contact makes the end of the affair really difficult. If he is trying, give him a chance, but keep your eyes wide open. You can't control what he chooses to do, all you can do is strengthen yourself. Read on the subject:<P>SURVIVING THE AFFAIR by Harley<BR>After the affair by Springs<BR>Torn Asunder by Carder<BR>Your husband's midlife crisis by Conway<BR>Divorce busting by Weiner-Davis<P>Any or all of these will help you cope with what you're going through and would also be helpful to your H if he would read them.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

Hurt Bad -- I have a couple questions for you.<P>First - When did you find all this out?<P>Second - Has your H done anything since confrontation to make you think he is still involved with this OW?<P>With them still working together, it does make things more difficult, but not necessarily insurmountable. My biggest question is the timing though. Trust is something that can be very difficult to regain. I did not find out about my W's affair until almost a year after it was over with. That didn't lessen the pain any. To me it had just happened, regardless of what the calendar said. It took almost six months for me to really begin to trust her again, and she did everything in her power to show me not only how much she loved me, but that she was truly sorry.<P>Unfortunately, recovery from infidelity can be a very long road, and it is filled with twists and turns, ups and downs. It takes time, and it's hard.<P>Read everything on this site, not just the forums. There is some tremendously valuable information here, a lot of which discusses the trust issue. I would also talk with your H about your feelings. Use the counselor if you don't feel comfortable doing it on your own. You might be surprised at how much they can draw your H out.<P>God Bless<P><p>[This message has been edited by Empty Shell (edited October 18, 1999).]

Thanks Empty Shell!<P>It's been only about 2 weeks. I guess I'm just trying to gauge if there is any hope. I am getting so many mixed signals from him. The problems in our marriage would have been much easier to solve had he not done this. Now he's opened a can of worms and I think he knows it, but now that he's jumped over the line, it's not so easy jumping back. <P>I know it's early for me yet, but I feel like it's already been an eternity in hell. My H had to go to great lengths to convince himself of a lot of things about me to do this, and now I believe he knows the things he convinced himself of are not true. So what he did was based on a false premise, but the fact remains that he crossed the line and it's not so easy going back. I just am trying to understand if he really wants to. He said he doesn't know now if he wants to, and he doesn't want to give HER up. At first he told me he loved her, now he say he really likes her. Is he trying to save my feelings or are his feelings towards here dimishing? We'll see what counseling brings out. I hope he just doesn't decide he won't go anymore.<P>Thanks again.

Hurt Bad - I just wanted to let you know I understand how you must be feeling now. My H also had an affair with a coworker and still works with her. I found out two weeks after it ended (at least I think it ended then but I am not sure) Learning of my husband's cruel and self centered actions - that went on for nearly a year - was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced. It has been ten months and I still obsess over it and haven't had a day where I haven't cried buckets of tears. From reading your post it does sound like your husband wants to repair your marriage. Before this can happen though he will have to completely give up the ow. I believe he will need to go to individual counseling as well a couples counseling to understand the ow was just a fantasy, an escape from the pain of a difficult marriage. Regaining trust will take a long long time. I am getting there and think I do trust my husband as to other unknown women - but I am not sure I can ever trust him when it comes to the ow at work. The fact they still have contact at work makes the pain go on indefinitly for me. If there is any way you and your H can figure out a way to change jobs or whatever to prevent all future contact please do so. Right now, however, it sounds like your husband is going through withdrawl from the ow and may still be in a push/pull situation where he knows it is the right thing to work on your marriage but runs back to the ow when things look to difficult. Has he or will he make it clear to the ow that it is over, he is working on his marriage, and tell her not to contact him? Right now you need to take care of yourself - do things for yourself. Please keep posting and let us know how things are progressing. THERE IS HOPE

Each person is different what is going on with your husband is something only you can figure out. My comment is only time will tell how he really feels. My suggestions is to read the books that Lor suggested they will help. Don't worry about trust yet. Turst is something that has to be earned. As he does things to show that he can be trusted you will begin totrust him. Major problem is that he does'nt want to give up OW. What ever you do don't love bust and try to follow plan A. Read about Plan A and B on this website if you have already. I only wished that I had found this place before my husband left. Not o bring you down but my H soundeda lot like yours. He is now living with OW. Before you go to pieces, I think I always knew that he was going to have to leave. He is in the middle of Mid life crisis and wasn't facing in reality. No one can tell you what he is doing and least of all he can't either. They do not know what they are doing ar even why. And that makes it all the more scarier I know. You have found a good place to come for support. My only advice is to be a supportive wife, show him that you love him and care and pray. You will be in my prayers for I know only too well what you are going through.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

HurtBad: <BR>Your story is exactly like mine...very sorry it happened to you too...would not want to wish it to my worse enemy. You have my support...keep posting...let us know what's going on. At times like these all kinds of emotions emerge, I loved and then hated my H.<BR>at the same moment, I wanted to leave and I wanted to stay, I wanted to make love to him and I wanted to stay away from him, I was (and still am, but a little less) a confused mess. I wanted to confront her (and did) and then I wanted to hurt her....so many emotions<BR>have surfaced. I am still with him so far, for many reasons. Its a very difficult time and trust is one of the things that are going to be very difficult to regain (if ever). To be honest, I will never trust him again, like<BR>as in the past when I believed anything he would tell me. Anyway, stay strong and stay with this forum. Take care.

Hurt Bad -- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It's been only about 2 weeks.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>It is probably still early for you to even begin trying to regain trust. You are probably still going through questioning whether or not your still dreaming some horrible nightmare. It's been almost 9 months since I found out about my W's affair, and I still have days like that once in awhile. They have dimished greatly as time has gone by and my W and I have worked on our marriage, but they still show up once in a while.<P>By the same token, your H is probably still very much entangled in the withdrawl from the OW. That takes time as well, and can sometimes be very difficult under the best of circumstances.<P>Two weeks is still VERY early.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I guess I'm just trying to gauge if there is any hope.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>As long as your H is home with you there is hope. There are many here who do not have their spouse with them, so you definitely have reason for hope.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The problems in our marriage would have been much easier to solve had he not done this. Now he's opened a can of worms and I think he knows it, but now that he's jumped over the line, it's not so easy jumping back.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>We have all been here. You know, hindsight is 20/20. Like I said to you earlier, this is not an easy process by any means. It will be difficult for both you and your H. It takes conscience effort on both your parts. There will be good days, and there will be bad days. There will probably even be times when you both will question whether or not you are doing the right thing by trying to rebuild your marriage. Many refer to this as being a rollercoaster ride. . .It's the rollercoaster from hell, and unlike a carnival ride, you can't just get off. You don't have any choice but to ride the damn thing until the "ride" is over.<P>Enough scaring you. This forum can be a place of comfort and solace. You can come here and vent to your hearts content. We've all done it. We will help you and way we can, even if that is just letting you know that someone is listening to you. We really are a good bunch here.<P>God Bless

It seems to me you are doing some positive things; patience is hard but <BR>I think it's early to look for the final answer to how your H is feeling right now.<P>The way I read Dr. Harley's literature is that the wayward spouse is <BR>often in a state of confusion--seeing positives in both the affair and <BR>the marriage.<P>I think time is a great healer here. My situation isn't healed yet (I <BR>discovered my wife's affair about a month and a half ago and she doesn't<BR>feel ready to end it), but I 'm catching on to what seems to create progress and <BR>what hinders it. This is largely from listening to what my wife says to me when<BR>we try to discuss, slowly and without anger, some of her feelings.<P>Whenever I have made comments that she interprets as pressuring her to <BR>decide, it acts as a Love Buster right away and conversation comes to <BR>a standstill. <P>The way I see her state of mind is this: when<BR>she thinks about me, she loves me; but the moment it gets disrespectful <BR>in any way she is forced on the other side of the fence; and at that moment<BR>the grass look greener on the other side. I don't see that <BR>as an indication of whether she hates the marriage; but <BR>rather "at that moment" she is confused. <P>If you can ask your H what he is thinking in a non-threatening way, even <BR>if he says "yes I feel I can't shut off my feelings for the other <BR>person, yet" I'd keep doing what you are doing. Of course I ain't an<BR>expert, but I'll bet he still has feelings for the marriage, as you say. It isn't<BR>a simple issue.

There are really some wonderful people that are on this site. Thank you for all your encouragements. It means a lot and I will keep reading and try to return the favor, when I get time of course (my little guys keep my schedule full)!<P>Our first night of counseling was horrible. This counselor got no where and it was very discouraging to both of us. My H won't go back there and I'm going to cancel my next appt. It doesn't mean I will give up, maybe just find another counselor at least for myself. I've ended up sick with an infection because I can't eat right and am dehydrating myself since I cry nearly all day. I can't take anti-depressants for medical reasons so here I sit trying to deal with this alone in a strange state where I know no one. My church has been a wonderful help tho even tho I don't know a whole of people there. I cried my hardest last night. I hardly remember what I look like anymore without a puffy face and eyes.<P>This morning my H snuggled up next to me and held me for a long time (in fact, one thing led to another, good or bad idea-I just let it), was as sweet as can be all morning, and when I drove him to WORK he held a tight grip on my hand the whole way. I don't trust him still. If it's pity from him I don't want it. If it's compassion for the hell he's putting me thru, then I welcome some, if it's reassurance to me that there is still some hope-I've died and gone to heaven. But I won't trust anything until the words come from his mouth that he has told the OW goodbye. She has a tight hold on him and he is so addicted. My saving grace is that he is still here with me and I have him for a lot more time than she does. I have the opportunity to try to turn our marriage around and fill those needs, where she only has nagging him to leave his wife. My hope is that it'll grow old and tiresome for him to hear it. I need to put her on the defensive, instead of me feeling like I'm on the defensive.<P>Is this a huge state of confusion or what? My H has told me that he has an emotional connection with this woman (who is married) and that she is very understanding and knows how many people are being hurt. My take on it is she saw him coming a mile away; new good looking guy in the company with great salary who was weak at the time (from our move, 3 months apart and various other stressful things). My question is: if she's such a pillar of virtue, and she's so damn unhappy in her own marriage, why doesn't she leave her own H? My answer: money! She's afraid if she leaves and then my H decides to stay in his marriage, she's going be a little poorer. So she's holding on to own H, just in case, so she won't be out of at least one gravy train! Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. We know very well how women are and it's so hard to see your own H as such a sucker!<P>Anyway, enough venting!! Thanks for all your replies and encouragements. Now I have a little guy doing only Lord knows what downstairs. Bye.

Hurt Bad -- I am sorry that your counselling session did not go well. I would definitely encourage you to find another counselor if your H is still willing to go with you. If not, then at least find one for yourself. <P>I think your H's behavior lately is definitely a good sign. Just remember not to love bust. I think oyu are doing well so far. Hang in there.<P>By the way, my offer still stands if your H would like to talk with me.<P>God Bless

Hurt Bad, sorry your session was so poor. I'm glad you're looking for another. One suggestion is to try Steve Harley for a telephone session. He also might be able to suggest someone in your area familiar with MB principles. <P>------------------<BR>It's always darkest before the dawn