I have been lurking here for over a year although my WH's A wasn't discovered until Jan '08. Here is the timeline without the fine details.

Hadn't trusted WH for several years, no proof of anything, just instinct. But never thought it was about an A.

Several times he made poor choices, we went to counseling, he admitted he was wrong and would change.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer Dec '04. Bilat mastectomy, chemo & radiation.

WH continues to make poor choices, more counseling, he repents, promises to do better.

My mother passes away Jan '07 from rare form of cancer. Things go way up and way down between us. Very bad roller coaster ride.

October '07 we went on our first vacation together without the kids (DS12 DS11). Had wonderful time, meet many EN's.

Jan '08 went for annual trip to Disney with boys. Hubby acted strange. Radar goes up. Wife went on hunt.

Affair discovered when I hacked into his laptop, recovered pics of his chica, emails to and from her, email to skanks on Craigslist (asking how many roses should he bring: code for how much money), porn sites and secret email addresses.

Locked him out of all of his email addresses, grabbed all credit card bills from his office (has own business) took laptop and locked him out of his regular pc.

Came home, packed boys up, went to my sisters. My sister called my brother and he and his wife came over. Next morning I called his dad, met him at my house. (he was there to guard in case WH came home). Poor FIL was crying.

Went back to my sisters. Told FIL to tell WH to get his things and get out of my house. He told him. I came home a week later, very nicely packed the rest of WH's things and put them in the garage for transport to FIL's house.

WH kept in touch with the boys, which was a good thing. WH wrote me an email, saying he was no angel, but did not do the things I think he did, blah blah blah. It was all talk, blah blah blah. He never had sex with anyone else, blah blah blah. It was all just a fantasy. <Insert very exaggerated eye rolling here>

Two weeks later he asked if he could come over, wanted to talk. I said he could talk all he wants, but that I was quite happy being alone. Getting along quite well without him.

These talks went on for a few days, lasting later and later into the night. He kept repeating that he never had sex with anyone but me (we were both virgins when we met~~maybe that was our problem, oy!). One night, about 3 am, I said he could stay on the couch because it was so late. That was early Feb '08.

He’s still here.

I don’t know if he ever had sex with anybody else, maybe I will never know (yes, I was tested for STD’s the day after I found out about the A and my FIL made WH get checked too, even though WH said he didn’t have sex with anybody).

We have hap-hazardly followed MB. We get on a roll and do well, then we fall off the proverbial wagon. Still trying, though some days are harder than others. MY BIGGEST PROBLEM is that I can’t seem to let go of the fact that he had such a secret life, so different from the boy I met and the man I married.

He never used to write me emails that started with Hi Beautiful or Hey Sexy until he started his A. This was exactly how he started his emails to his chica too. Now when he sends me a nice email, and it starts with Hi Beautiful, or something similar, I want to gag. He might mean it, but all I can think of is the fact that he didn’t start talking like that until he met his OW. How sad. I wish I could enjoy and feel good about the greeting.

At this point I don’t know if I love him, but don’t like him OR, I like him, but don’t love him. I am so very confused. I guess I feel so betrayed (as do most of us BS’s), especially in light of the fact that he started his garbage before I was diagnosed with cancer, continued it through my treatment, and long after my recovery and my mothers illness and subsequent death. I just don’t know if I could ever feel “safe” with him again.

If we don’t start working on this soon, I think I may just be done.

OK, there is my rant in short form. Any suggestions?


Thanks,

BeamMeUp

BeamMeUp,

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join, but at least everybody understands...

If you've been lurking for over a year, you've probably read all the material linked to the home page, and perhaps Dr. Harley's books His Needs, Her Needs; Love Busters; and Surviving An Affair. If you haven't, you should.

What were all the "poor choices" that required counseling that you refer to your H having made before his A? Sounds like something pretty significant.

After showing some sturdy stuff when you first discovered his A (exposing to family, kicking him out), you seem to have lost all the ground you gained by letting him back in without placing any conditions on his return. So, he thinks everything's fine. You had your little hissy fit, he spent a couple of weeks in the dog house, and now he's back in--scott free.

Not so fast!

What about "just compensation?" What has he DONE to show his remorse for his bad treatment of you? Are you even SURE he isn't still in contact with his "chica?" Is he transparent with you--do you have access to his cell phone, his computer/email passwords, does he tell you where he is when you are not together? You don't mention any of these things, and I'm seeing red flags because you haven't.

And you won't get anywhere by "haphazardly" doing MB. It is an integrated program designed to build habits. The habits you two need to build or replace will NOT be constructed with a hit-or-miss approach. It's hard enough to recover when you put heart and soul into it!!

Read His Needs, Her Needs and Love Busters together. DO THE EXERCISES at the end of each chapter. Fill out the Emotional Needs and Love Buster questionaires, share your results with each other, and discuss WHAT YOU MUST EACH DO to fill each other's love banks so another affair doesn't worm its way back into your marriage. And, BMU, I think you know his A included sex...but either way, I don't see that he has paid one iota of compensation for breaking his vows and your heart.

Why'd you let him back in so easy?

Right Here Waiting

Thanks for the reply RHW. I will try to answer your questons, but it is late and I'm tired, so forgive me if I babble.

I bought HNHN and LB's. Read both of them several times. He has read them too. Just ordered SAA tonight, should be here by Tuesday.

*Saying he wasn't going on a week long trip with a creepy friend to be in a parade where women flash for beads, then packing the night before creepy friend is to leave and goes with him. Leaving me no money, (i don't keep an ATM cause I know my weaknesses) no help with kids, etc.

*Continues bad behavior of deceit, staying out late~saying he was working, spending less time with family and more time on various committees, etc, blah blah blah.


Believe me, it was more than a hissy fit. He seen a very assertive, determined and angry woman. But, yes you are right when you say I lost ground. But he is not here scott free. As far as chica goes, she is in another country (long icky story) so I know he can't see her. As far a phone, email etc, I have full access to all of it. I read his mail, scan his phone, everything. He is even willing, and has shown me where I can buy the equipment to put in surveillance in his office, on all pc's/laptop, gps on truck, the works. He knows I will check on him and he wants me to.


I know what you are saying. I guess I am just tired. I have tried to do all of the right things in the past, before discovery, and since I found out, I just feel....tired. Most times I really wish I hadn't let him back so quick. Still don't know why I did. I guess I'm not sure if I wan't to expose my heart again by putting my "heat and soul" into it. A cop out, I know. My head just seems very conflicted with my heart.

This is a hard one. I want to believe he didn't. In all of his emails to chica, there were lines like, "I want to make love to you" (gross just thinking about it)but there was never an email saying last night was great or you are such a great lover/kisser etc. My head says, "you need to know if he had sex". My heart says, "will you feel better or worse if you find out he did have sex." <insert me banging my head on the wall>

He has apologized all over the place. What do you suggest is appropriate "just compensation?" I need guidance.


I have no flippin idea! Maybe it was all the years we spent together. The kids. His very pitiful appearance. My love for him. Pity. I really don't know. I wish I did.

OK, I know we need to read AGAIN all of the books. I would like to try to get to Harleys weekend in January. I am sure WH will go. I am a couple of days out of surgery (complete hysterectomy due to breast cancer gene being positive....don't ever want to revisit the chemo club) so heart to heart talks for a few days will have to wait. I am kind of emotional right now and don't think I would be productive. Would like to wait till I can assure that I will not have any DJ's or AO's.

Thanks for your questions. It helps to put it in print.

BeamMeUp

BeamMeUp,

Ok, that fleshed things out a bit. I hope you're sleeping now and will find this in the morning when you've got some more energy.

I understand "tired." ALL of us BSs get "tired" in that way, but you have a lot more on your plate than your H's affair. Your medical problems and surgery have been physically debilitating too. Before you can put full effort into the MB plan, you MUST take care of you first! Get healthy over the holidays...give yourself a break and let someone else do the cooking, the shopping, the wrapping, the decorating...or skip most of it altogether, if you can.

Good that you AND H have read HNHN and LB. I'm surprised that he would, given that you've said he has a penchant for "poor choices" such as you described. Has he given up that bad behavior? This makes me think he has not:

"*Continues bad behavior of deceit, staying out late~saying he was working, spending less time with family and more time on various committees, etc, blah blah blah."

That behavior is typical WAYWARD behavior. You call it "deceit" yourself! If he's not actually working when he's out late, what IS it that he's doing???? Do you have any idea? It doesn't jive with him reading the MB books with you at all. Fishy. You say you have full surveillance on him, so what's he doing that's deceitful? More to the point, WHY is he being deceitful in the first place? This all doesn't make sense.

You asked what "just compensation" would be. It's in the books, but I'll tell you again:

*Complete NC with OW. (This seems to have been established with the out-of-country chica, but the fact that he is out late "working" when you know he isn't working makes me wonder if there are OTHER OW.)

*Not just babbling apologies, but TAKING STEPS to show that he is really sorry for his despicable behavior. Talk is cheap. How is staying out late and lying about where he is showing you that he wants to make up for what he's done by being a loving, caring, attentive husband?

*Conveying the idea that he UNDERSTANDS how much he's hurt you with what he's done. Do you think he "gets it?"

*Putting "extraordinary precautions" in place to prevent sliding down that slippery slope again. What has HE done to prevent another affair? Has he even looked at the REASONS he did it? (These will NOT include blaming you. HE made the choice all by his big-boy self. NOTHING you did "forced" him to have an A. If he thinks you did, he's not even in the same ZIP code as the path to recovery yet.)

How's that for starters?

The thing that gives me the most hope is that you plan to do the MB weekend in January. Hopefully between now and then, he will give up the questionable behaviors that look wayward as h*** to me, and I suspect to you too.

I wish you a quick recovery from your surgery, and along your Marriage Building path as well.

Right Here Waiting

Three words for "just compensation"

LIE DETECTOR TEST

Let's say you get 4 questions that have to be answered yes/no

One question I'd make sure he had to answer was:

Is there anything your are concealing from your wife about your secret life?

Because if he answers "no" and there's a lie, he's toast. If he answers yes, he's toast.

Ooooooh, Kayla, that's GOOD.

Beammeup,

A couple of opportunities stand out to me. You can make this marriage great if you both make a concerted effort to follow the MB program. And i don't mean even doing it out of the books on your own, but going through the lessons with the guidance of Dr Harley and his staff. You can get that via his weekend seminar. It is worth much more than what they charge for it. They give you all the books, workbooks, introduce you to the program over the weekend and guide you through weekly LESSONS until you get the program. His staff contacts you every week about your lesson and you have daily access to Dr Harley on this website.

Trying to correct your marriage on your own is not something I would leave to chance and I will tell you why. I posted on this forum, read every book, took every questionaire and even went to a MB counselor initially, but STILL DIDN'T GET IT.

I am a fairly smart woman, but did not GET that my independent behaviors were such a poison to my marriage. It caused my H to have angry outbursts, which caused more IB, which caused.... It was Dr H that pointed this out and changing that one little aspect made an enormous difference in my marriage. My H is now much more relaxed. We love being together now.

The weekend runs around $2000 and that is a cheap price to pay for something that REALLY WILL change the quality of your life.

If you can't do that, then consider phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer. They can assess your situation and give you a PLAN.

Secondly, your H needs to come clean in order for your marriage to heal. He needs to suck it up, be a man, and get it all out at once. If he doesn't, you will have no intimacy becuase he will be hiding something and your instincts will tell you he is still hiding something. You cannot ever trust him if he has secrets with tramps to which you are not privy.

If he won't come clean, my suggestion would be to pay for a polygraph to "give him the opportunity to clear his name." Schedule the polygraph and watch him start to spill his guts before you even get there.

However, I will warn you that I suspect your H has been a serial cheater for years. You might not like what you hear. And you might decide to divorce him. But, that is your right. It is your life and you have a right to the facts about it.

Sorry you are here, Beam.

Morning RHW,

Yes, I do need to care for myself, and I'm doing ok with that. Let me clear up a few typo's I made last night.


When I was answering, I was doing so as if I was speaking back then. It should have read "Continued." He no longer stays out late, he calls me all the time, I can reach him whenever I want. I will call or text when he is with a client and instead of ignoring till he is free, he answers. I can find no more evidence of any deceit, and I have been looking.

He is so transparent, you could call him Casper.

In the beginning, his apologies were awful. He meant well, but he didn't know to apologize the right way. They all sounded like this at first, "I'm sorry for doing this to you, BUT blah blah blah" or "You're right, I shouldn't have done that, BUT it's because you never, or always...blah blah blah." AFTER reading HNHR's and LB's, his apologies changed to the real deal.

I searched my heart and soul as to what I could have done to push him away. Then I re-read the emails from chica <barf> and a light-bulb went off. She told him how handsome he was, how he was her hero, he was smart, yada, yada. Click, ADMIRATION. I had stopped that awhile ago. He was, in my eyes, being a putz and didn't deserve any admiration. It never used to be that way, but his actions and in-actions over the years lead to less and less of that EN being met by me. I just felt he didn't deserve it. He didn't know why he did any of this either, and I think I believe him (don't excuse it, just believe he didn't know why). So I asked him if it may be Admiration. First he scoffed, like "I don't need someone to praise me." After awhile, he said he talked to the counselor and he thinks I may be right about that. Guys need their ego stroked, and chica was gettin tennis elbow doing it!

He has offered to also take a lie detector test. He really wants this marriage to work. I think that is where I am messing things up. I am not sure I want it to work. Like I said, I don't know if I love him but just don't like him right now, OR, I like him but just don't love him anymore. A war between my head and my heart is very trying.

I can't get the thoughts of him cooing another woman (sex or no sex). Using ILY's when they are reserved for your spouse. The fact that he had shady (read had) goings on when I was going through chemo and was sick and bald.

I guess what I really need from everybody is: Help me learn to let go of the hurt. Let go of the images of the two of them and the loving words said. Teach me how to love him again.

I think I am still so hurt, that I just put up a wall where the love can't get through. The pleasantries can, the daily duties can, even SF can. But love is just to scared to join the rest.

Sorry, went all off topic.

Thanks for the advise, keep it coming.

BeamMeUp

Beam, you probably DON'T love him right now. Adultery is a huge lovebuster and it erodes the respect women have for their husband. Our love is very contingent upon the respect we feel.

I felt nothing but DISGUST and revulsion for my H for a long time. But I was able to overcome the resentment and fall in love with again because he EARNED my respect by acting like a man instead of a chump.

But, I would make certain you have the full truth before you make a decision to stay or not. If there is a lot hidden, you may decide that the resentment is just too great. And you may not. But you really can't know until you have the full truth. I think you should take him up on that polygraph.

ML,

Boy you post quick LOL.


This is a very good point. It's like "which came first the chicken or the egg." I don't know who started it, but like you said:

He had independent behaviors, which lead to my angry outbursts, which in turn let to his DJ's and so on and so on and so on.

This is where my heart is paralyzed with fear. I want to know, but am afraid that I might not hear what I so desperately need to hear.

I need the truth. I want the truth. But I get a little wimpy here cause I only want to hear the truth if it's good. I think that is why I haven't pushed for the polygraph. Make sense to anybody?


You are right. I will talk to him about it this weekend.

He knows I have been poking around here for over a year, and he seen me on the laptop last night. So he sat next to me and asked what I was doing. I told him. Maybe he will pop in on his own and give his side of the story. There are always two ya know?

Any other advise before we get to the polygraph, or should I just stay neutral until then?

BeamMeUp

Hi Everybody,

FWH made a really nice dinner tonight. Chicken parmesan, pasta, veggies. He even cleaned the dishes and kitchen when we were done. It felt good to have somebody to the usual. Made sure I thanked him several times. And it was really tasty too.

Asked FWH if we could have some alone time to talk tonight. He said sure, he will put a log on the firepit and open a bottle of wine. He knows it's not going to lead to "fun time" simply because I am only 4 days post op hysterectomy.

He has a hard time gauging me lately, and frankly, so do I. My mantra to myself tonight will be, "no DJ's no AO's."

Wish me luck about broaching the polygraph subject with him.

Beam

Update....Need guidance

FWH made a nice fire last night by the pool. We had some very lighthearted conversation. Took me awhile to bring up the polygraph question. When I did, FWH said he was still willing to take it, but he was very upset with me. Said something to the effect of me ruining a nice night by bringing that up.

So when would have been a good time? In the middle of an argument? IDK, I can't seem to get any of this right. Why do I always feel wrong in "feeling what I feel?" I have tried to explain that I am having a hard time letting go of the hurt. He just doesn't understand. He said he didn't have sex with anybody else. I asked him and how do I know that? Because YOU said so?

I told him about my feelings of not knowing whether I love him but don't like him OR I like him but don't love him. Told him because I don't fully trust what he is telling me about the sex, I am having a hard time in feeling "safe" within the M. I told him I want to fix our M, to start loving again, but I have to know the whole truth.

This back and forth conversation went on for awhile, till the fire went out and we got cold. Came inside and started talking about MB's program. Since we don't have the SAA book yet, I was telling him what I learned about Plan's A/B. He started a lecture about how that doesn't sound like a good idea telling everybody, including bosses and controlling fathers...whatever THAT means. I told him he sounded just like every other WS on here. That there must be a script they all use, because they all say the same things, LOL. That was not a pleasant conversation, so I asked that we just drop it because it didn't apply to us at this point.

On a good note, he did say we could go to the MB's weekend this January (if the economy doesn't completely tank....money is really tight right now...lots of medical bills).

Here is a question for all of you vets out there. When I am having a problem, ie something reminds me of FWH & chica and I'm felling down or angry, when is a good time to ask to talk? And how do I begin the conversation without it seeming like I am trying to sabotage a nice day/night whatever?

PS...I told him I will call on Monday and make an appointment for the poly....he said ok.

Beam

ok, Beammeup, Plan A/B is only for AFFAIRs. He is not in an affair. Nor is there any reason to expose to anyone.

Secondly, it is very disrespectful to tell him he "sounds like every WS on here. I would rectify this situation with him and let him know you misunderstood Plan A,B and the concept of exposure.


You can't afford to NOT GO, Beam. GEt the money. You will thank me later!


Don't continually beat him over the head with your triggers. Come here and vent to US where it won't harm your marriage.


Good girl!

In addition to SAA, you really need to read up on lovebusters and meeting emotional needs. Check out the links to the right. They will be a great help.

You are doing great, Beam!

ML,

You are right on so many levels. I do need to clarify one thing though....

This was just a general conversation topic. I do understand the concepts of Plan A/B (although I never actually did them) and I understand the concept of exposure. He did have an affair, and I did expose him already. That's why I asked him if we could drop the "exposure" topic because that part no longer applied to us. I was just observing how defensive he became for all other WS's being exposed.

You were right when you said I was disrespectful when I said he sounded like every WS on here. I shouldn't have done that and I can see that now. I will apologize to him right away. Thank you for pointing out that faux pas.

We are definitely going to the MB weekend. We will find a way to finance it.

OK, so when I have an emotional trigger, I will come here and ask for an ear and a shoulder. I usually don't even tell him when I feel like this. It makes me feel like I have to suppress my emotions and keep it bottled up. Then I just get depressed. I will come here instead and let it out.

Is there ever a time when it's ok to tell him how I feel? Is there any good points to letting him know that I still hurt and that certain things still bring me pain? IDK. I'm trying.

We have read HNHN and LB separately, but now we are going to try to conquer one chapter at a time together....starting tonight.

Question...Which one should we be doing first? HNHN's or LB's while waiting on SAA?

Thank you for your advice. I have felt so lost.

Beam

Alot of people recommend LB first. Flick and I did HNHN first as our LB's were not the real problem, it was the unwillingness to meet each others EN's
FWIW We started with his top EN (RC) as that was my falling down, then my top EN and just switched back and forth until we had covered the top 5 for us both. Fortunatly 3,4,and 5 are the same for us both

I am sorry you feel lost, just keep coming on here and posting and people will get back to you.

ahhh, I gotcha! So he is still foggy then? His resentment over exposure indicates he is still fogged out.


Good! This is way different from other marriage programs in that it really does work. Retrouville [another marriage seminar] counselors go to MB weekends when their own marriages are in trouble.


Yes, you can let him know that, but come HERE and talk about the affair. Get it out HERE instead of on him.


If I were you, I would start on Lovebusters. That way you can plug the hole in the bottom. There is also a lovebusters questionaire on this website that would be helpful.


Girl, I know the feeling! I wish I had found MB much sooner! Hang in there and keep coming back here for help. You will do fine.

Thanks Lil & ML,

We will restart LB's tonight. Yes, he is still in a fog somewhat :RollieEyes: . It's like he is enveloped in this fog, peeks his head out and gleans enough information to satisfy and then steps back into the fog . When I think of this, I remember T2L's mantra, "I am the lighthouse." I will continue to be FWH's lighthouse till he can make it completely out of the fog.

PS, He made another lovely dinner tonight and cleaned the kitchen. I thanked him for the yummy dinner and I apologized for the disrespectful remark I made about him being like all the other WS's. I meant the apology with my whole heart and he accepted it with a hug. Thanks ML!

Beam

Hi Beam,

Just caught up on your thread--so much activity in two days' time!

Happy to see MelodyLane found you. Everything she says, you can take to the bank.

I think it's VERY encouraging that your H is willing to do the MB weekend, the polygraph, the reading--and take over dinner duty while you recover from surgery. Those are all good things.

Yet your concern is that you still don't have the feelings and attitude you want to have toward him. I would suggest that it's because:

1) You are still in the dark about the details of his affair. You don't completely believe him when he says there was no sex. You aren't even SURE there haven't been OTHER OW. Polygraph will clear that up, if he doesn't do it right before it's scheduled. Radical honesty is the only thing that will do, now and forever. You'll need his commitment to that.

2) Your love bank is depleted. By his failure to make deposits (what are your top ENs? Have you TOLD him how he could meet them? Is he DOING those things?) and also perhaps by whatever love busters he's leveling at you. Dishonesty, most likely. He's STILL not divulged information about his affair, and that keeps you wary. Not going to feel love as long as that's not resolved.

Does he demand that you "get over it?" Does he say disrespectful things about you or to you? Does he blow up in anger when he's frustrated at you? You say he's done with harmful Independent Behavior, so that's no longer an issue.

What is your main issue that's keeping you distant? Lack of EN meeting, or love busting behavior? When you figure that out, you will know whether to begin with HNHN or LB. But either way, you must do YOUR best to meet HIS ENs and curtail all LB behavior yourself.

And take care of yourself post-op--doctor's orders.

Right Here Waiting

Hi Beam,

Just saw your thread. You are getting so much good advice.

I just wanted to pipe up and say I totally understand how you feel, and you've worded it better than I've been able to on my own thread. I'm in just the same place as you. I'm pretty sure H has fessed up to everything, he's clearly wanting the M to work, he's clear as the sunrise in terms of transparency.

We talk about MB, we read MB, we do the questionnaires, but I don't think we DO MB. Some part of me is waiting to feel safe enough to begin to practice what I know. It's hard. I also have had physical issues distracting me and I'm up to my eyeballs with advice to 'take care of me first'. Like you, my H has been wonderful caring for my needs as I recover....I've had a glimpse of that safe place I'm needing. I just can't help feeling that our expiration date is somehow coming up.....we need to get moving with MB. It's like deciding to have children, isn't it? If you wait for the perfect time, that will never come.....you just need to make the leap.

Will you be in that safe place after the polygraph? Can you ask him to help you create that safe place....maybe you could start your MB work by appointment every day; 'for the next hour, I'm going to work at meeting X EN and you are going to keep me safe while I practice it'. IDK, maybe that's too contrived.

Glad for this discussion. Sending you healthy thoughts.
Gwen

Hi RHW,

Thanks for the reply.

You are so very right on this point. He has told me about the EA, about her, how they met, what happened that night. He had only seen her a total of no more than 4 times, and I think it may have only been 2 (little unsure). Most of their contact was by email, text msg and a few phone calls.

And yes, the poly will clear that up. If there was no sex with any OW, then I truly believe that I can start the healing process.

One of the reasons I don't believe what he says about no sex is because we had been in counseling for years, over other things. It was during this time that he had a secret life (not with this OW). I did not know this until I discovered the EA with chica. So all that counseling we did to try to fix our problems, were never going to fix our problems because he had a secret life. KWIM? He is transparent now, but it's just so hard to get past all the years of deception.


Part of this is my problem (or has been....working on that now). I was/am so hurt that I don't think I'm seeing a lot of his attempts at meeting my EN's. I am an Irish/German/Polish/blonde daughter of a Marine. I consider myself handicapped in this regard. But yes, my love bank is as depleted as the stock market right now. Not many LB's being seen right now. If they are there, they are small ones. That is one of my biggest problems. If there is a LB and it's small, I let it pass. Don't want to seem like I'm picking on everything he does. But they build up, and then I become all irrational and rethink the whole EA, OW, years of secrecy, yadda yadda yadda. Two steps forward, one step back. (my fault)

I have got to learn how to deal with that part of me. Learn when a LB warrants a talk, before too many build up.

My EN's are strangely very similar to his. SF/Affection are almost a 50/50 split with me as a top EN. I want SF, a lot. The problem is I need consistent affection in order to want SF. If I get affection only when he is a horn dog, then the SF for me means "wifely duty." But when he shows affection throughout the day, in little ways, I am all over it. Daily affection with me could lead to daily SF for us both. I'm not kidding!

His top is SF too. There was little (if any) affection in his family. Sad. Maybe I should write down a list of what I think affection is? His other top EN is recreation. We like some of the same things now. (before discovery of EA his rec EN's could not include me....mostly male oriented). We are working on that now.

He is so far from blowing things up. He is very calm, but can get quite indignant. Never says disrespectful things to others about me. But every so often he treats me like I'm unable to grasp a situation. Makes me feel like he thinks I'm stupid. I don't think that was his intent, hurts all the same though. As far as "get over it," yes, he does say that. It's easy for him, as he was the one who inflicted the pain. If I would just "get over it" and move on, we could have a great M. ML pointed out that when I have a "flash" of FWH and OW or something similar, to come here and vent, instead of saying something to FWH. I will start doing that. Maybe FWH just doesn't want to hear my hurting because it makes him feel bad.

Oh my goodness. I am sorry this post was so darn long. I will try to keep it shorter next time.

Any advise on self improvement for me on what I wrote above?

Thanks,
Beam