What is SD?

Selfish Demand

Thanks for all of the advice thus far. I have had a selfish motivation without really recognizing it. I decided not to pursue moving back in. If she wants me back, I know she will bring it up. I have talked too much already. We see each other almost daily right now. The only days that we don't see each other are when I'm at work overnight.

She knows what I'm saying and I know my words don't mean anything right now anyway; only my actions do. I've planned on getting the help that I need regarding what is likely a form of sex addition and continuing to work on understanding and performing good relationship skills. As she recently said in an email to me, "...only the future can tell what will happen." I will work on making me well and be there for her and the kids the best that I can and with 100% effort as consistently as I can be.

Davpen-
You asked how/why I stayed in the marriage and chose to work on it.

1. There was no physical cheating. My husband's addiction had escalated, but it was an escalation in frequency, not needing "harder" material or live people.

2. I told him he either made the call for help or I'd divorce him. I did this the 2nd day after I discovered his addiction. He made the choice to get help. There were no repeated lies, promises that were later broken, etc. I was "lucky" in that respect. Since d-day, he's acted in a way that shows me he's wanted to earn my trust back. Every single day.

3. I chose to work on it, because I was part of the addiction cycle. I came to the marriage already being codependent, thanks to my upbringing. So, we both brought our own dysfunction into our relationship, even before marriage. I wanted to see what a marriage was between us when we were mentally/emotionally healthy. And I couldn't divorce my husband for being dysfunctional when I as emotionally stunted as he was.

4. I love my husband. I always have, and I always will. Together, separate, etc.

5. We do better together as a team than we do separately, by ourselves.

My husband's sex addiction counselor was good for him. His counselor got him sober and on the path to recovery. I've also met his counselor few times and was able to trust the work that they did.

My husband's addiction made me face my own skeletons in my closet. Because of this, I'm a better person and a better parent. I'm proud to say the cycle stops with me. It's a legacy that's been passed down for several generations. One that I'm unwilling to pass down.

And as for running into others in a 12 step group. I've seen women from the support group around town and in the therapist's office. I've never exchanged words with them outside the meeting.

AND you can do SA meetings over the phone.

However, if my husband was not willing to get help, I would have left him. I personally don't believe in raising kids with an addict. I don't believe you can be in a healthy relationship with an addict who actively self-medicating.

My husband knows he's used up his one big [censored] up. If he relapses, we're done. If he cheats, we're done. I'm not going through the recovery process again.

Davpen,

Did you print out the list of actions written by MEDC and sit down with your wife and tell her you are willing to do everything on the list?

If not, why?

Yes, I did. She hasn't responded yet. Possible that it is buried in several other emails I've sent before I realized that it was too much in words. I'll ask her specifically tonight. However her last words to me last night in an email was, "Ugh, this sucks. I do care about you, but still feel the same way about our future."

I'm afraid that if I continue to discuss this with her it may have the opposite effect and push her further away. I'm spending today through tomorrow with the kids and she's out with a friend. Its been great but it is a constant reminder of the damage that I've done to everybody's life. Fortunately, at this time the kids seem to be adjusting well to this stage of this troubled time.

Davpen,

My hope was that you would print out the list and sit down with your wife to talk.

What I fear has happened is waaaay tooooo much in the way of emails that are just more of the same thing you have delivered for years - "words without actions".

I would recommend that you "be still and wait" for her to discuss what she wants to do next as it relates to your marriage. The decision is in her hands.

All you do at this point is offer a simple reply to any of your wife's requests; "I'll do whatever you need me to do", or "I'll do whatever you ask of me".

I pray you begin making the changes that will make you a better man, and a better father. This new awakening you've had will only last a short time unless you follow with a plan of rigorous actions.

I really appreciate your advice, tst. I am trying to be the husband and father that I always wanted to be: thoughtful, caring, present as much as possible, making myself second, and affectionate. In the long term, there are issues that I am in the process of planning to address such as probable sex addiction and of course my relationship skills in general.

I am making it a point to do whatever she needs me to do and doing what I've known she's wanted me to do. She did say that she is ready for a friendship so I am trying to be the best friend that I can be.

This forum has been a gift. I'm thankful that I found it and that the replies have been so thoughtful and supportive, even in the face of my thoughtless behavior.

This is THE most important point.

You've given her hope before by spewing promises. Make them real now. You'll have to work very hard to do this. Don't expect rewards for these changes either...you should have been doing it all along. Do it for the right reasons. Do it because being respectable and honorable is what a real man is. You are not trying to win her back. You are trying to become the best man and father you can be. THAT is your goal. That's what you focus on. R your M would be an added benefit.

It's going to take time and it'll take even more time for her to believe in these changes. Don't delay.

That is definitely my goal; to be the best man and father that I can be. I find myself wanting to help out when I'm at the house. I'm doing things to meet some of the needs that she described in the EN questionaire, especially as related to Family Dedication and Domestic Responsibilities; things that I can still help her with while in our current non-romantic state. She once told me a few days ago that it sometimes makes her feel like she is using me when I'm doing these things...the hard work to keep things clean,etc... I'm just jumping in where it looks like she needs help. These are the things I wish I had done with more consistency and effort. It would have left her less exhausted and probably more energized to talk and be engaged in our relationship.

Its hard to hold back from wanting to talk about us when we're together. She wants to avoid the emotions with me and would prefer to speak with the therapist. I did what I should not have today when I told her that I wish she would consider reconciliation and that there are marriages that have overcome infidelity. I know that was the wrong thing to say now. I should be holding back and letting her think and decide.

If you can't be trusted to handle this aspect of a HOPEFUL recovery in the right fashion...WHY would you wife believe you can handle ANY of it correctly?

That is a good point. Last night I told her that I would give her the space that she wants and that I'll wait until she is ready to talk about us. I will continue to be the best father/husband/friend that I can be and continue working on the beginning of my own self-improvement by starting addiction therapy and seeing our mutual therapist. Thanks for the honest feedback. That is the most important kind.

The past few days have been very exciting for me. My wife has expressed some interest in considering reconciliation. She is angry and somewhat reluctant but is open to considering it because of the many positives that she sees. I'm continuing to be the best husband/friend/father that I can be while living apart and also continuing with the process of working on me and my issues. I've been reading/doing the work at Recovery Nation.com and discussing things with the therapist. This is an opportunity for us and I am fully committed. Thanks for the different ideas and brutally honest opinions. There are no guarantees but this is a little bit of hope in what seemed to be a hopeless situation.