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Hello,

I don't know who else to talk to about this because I am actually ashamed to even be posting this. I just got married one month ago and it is not all it is cracked up to be. I have been with my husband for 10 1/2 years, which we lived together for 2 of them before we got married. Everything was fine up until we started planning the wedding. During that time frame, we were constantly at each others throats fighting constantly about everything for the wedding. It was absolutely miserable! We even considered calling off the wedding one week before we got married and I was willing to do so. However,we made up and realized that it was stupid to argue and we loved each other and knew we could make it work.

The "honeymoon phase" of the first month of marriage has not been all peaches and cream. He is constantly telling me what to do and how to organize my life. I feel like he is trying to control me and make me into the person that he wants me to be. I enjoy shopping and going to nice restaurants as well and he freaks out when I go spend money and buy things that are pricey. He does not have a job either, so he is constantly around the house and I cannot even have any time to myself. He seriously sends me on a emotional roller coaster every single day and I do not know what to do. I do not want to get divorced, I want to work this out and get our issues out on the table. I am seriously very sad and disappointed and don't know what to do. I do love him but I realized that he has changed significantly.

Please help!!!!!

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Did he just lose his job recently? If so, getting married and then not being able to support one's wife could easily send someone around the bend. I would imagine this is his reason for questioning your expenses.

Based on what you've written, I assume that you didn't live together before you married? So what budgeting arrangements have you made, and do you have shared joint accounts, or separate money?

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If you were already living together, and everything was fine, why would everything change just because you got married, now that the wedding hassles are over? If you were already living together, marriage is just a piece of paper. What's the difference?

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Because living together before marriage doesn't usually allow a person the "safety" to let their "real self" come out. Once it's on paper, they feel safe enough to let all the "problems" start creeping into the picture along with their "best". They can now be their "real" self. Not "all" people are that way, but, the majority are. Dr. Harley has some material on living together before marriage too, and the problems it can cause.

The rules to making a marriage good are still the same.
His Needs, Her Needs & Love Busters are still the best route to go.

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angelbaby26 - I'm going to preface my remarks by saying that after reading your post I DO NOT think you want "marriage" help. What you seem to want is "singleperson" help. So the easiest "help answer" I could give you is to get a divorce. The "reasons" for that may become clearer to you as you read the responses.


Originally Posted by angelbaby26
The "honeymoon phase" of the first month of marriage has not been all peaches and cream. He is constantly telling me what to do and how to organize my life. I feel like he is trying to control me and make me into the person that he wants me to be.

Sorry, angelbaby, but you HAD the honeymoon phase while shacking up. NOW you have the reality phase that you have created another living entity called "Marriage" and that the two of you make up only one-half of that ONE entity. It is the Marriage that is, or should be, "in control" of both of you.

But in typical selfish, self-centered style, you see ANYTHING that means you might to have "change," let alone "deny yourself" anything you might want to be "controlling you."

Reread you VOWS and I'm betting that in there were words about LOVE and "for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer," etc. Those words are all about sacrifice of SELF (as in selfish wants and desires) for each other.


Originally Posted by angelbaby26
I enjoy shopping and going to nice restaurants as well and he freaks out when I go spend money and buy things that are pricey. He does not have a job either, so he is constantly around the house and I cannot even have any time to myself.

Got it. It's YOUR money not OUR money. Get a divorce.



Originally Posted by angelbaby26
He seriously sends me on a emotional roller coaster every single day and I do not know what to do. I do not want to get divorced, I want to work this out and get our issues out on the table.

No, you DON'T want to "work this out." What you want is for him to be "controlled by you" and simply let you do whatever you want to do with no regard for the Marriage.

You want to "work this out" so you still act as if you are single. Get a divorce.



Originally Posted by angelbaby26
I am seriously very sad and disappointed and don't know what to do. I do love him but I realized that he has changed significantly.

Please help!!!!!

Yes, it IS "sad and disappointing" to find out that the Marriage formed when you get married DOES require you each to change some things that you "allowed" your self to do as a single person, especially "sad and disappointing" if one of the partners is so self-centered.

I don't believe for one second that "he has changed significantly." I think the one resisting "change" is you. It is very obvious from what you wrote that the "center" of YOUR world is YOU and that everything is "Supposed To" revolve around your wants and desire EVEN IF they are damaging to the Marriage.

IF you truly want help, then go get a book called Magnificent Marriage, by Gordon MacDonald and read it. Then have your husband read it and the two of you use the book as a point of discussion.




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Did he marry you so you could support him? Sounds like it.

Learn about boundaries. He's trying to manipulate you, like emotionally abusive people do. Stand firm on what you believe and don't cave in when you know he's not being reasonable.

Finally, help him find a job. Explain that you see no reason to be married to someone who's not actively seeking a job. When someone is looking, they are supposed to be spending at least 6 hours a day at it, making phone calls, filling out applications, searching the web, going to businesses. Is he?

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Originally Posted by catperson
Did he marry you so you could support him? Sounds like it.

Learn about boundaries. He's trying to manipulate you, like emotionally abusive people do. Stand firm on what you believe and don't cave in when you know he's not being reasonable.

Finally, help him find a job. Explain that you see no reason to be married to someone who's not actively seeking a job. When someone is looking, they are supposed to be spending at least 6 hours a day at it, making phone calls, filling out applications, searching the web, going to businesses. Is he?

Cat, it's interesting that with no information other than he is unemployed right now, and presumably was so while they were living together, that you "leap" to the conclusion that he married her simply so she could support him.

THEN you label him as "manipulative" AND an "abuser."

I think it's clear that you are a "man hater" (I reached that conclusion the same way you reached your conclusions about her husband) and see nothing wrong with her desire to spend money on "pricey" things and to "eat out" and NOT save a few dollars by actually cooking.

But I'm sure that she will "eat up" your support for her continued desire to act as if she was single. So much for your support for BEING married.


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I appreciate all of your responses and advice, but it is not how it seems. We lived together before we were married and I lived the same lavish lifestyle then as I did now. He didn't have a problem with it before and now he does? It doesn't make sense to me so if he sat down and tried to talk to me about it instead of fighting with me, then we would get somewhere.

I DO want this marriage to work but I am the one that makes the money. I can afford all the bills and mortage, so why is it that bad if I spend money???? I am willing to compromise, and have done several times when things have upsetted him. I feel like I do to much for him, and he does nothing for me. My parents even disliked the fact that he was unemployed and has not worked for 3 years now. He has no interest in finding a job at all. He knows that I make enough money to support our expenses, so maybe that is the reason he married me. He brags to everyone how I make so much money but doesn't even try to make a penny himself.
I pay for everything and it gets upsetting when I am told what to do with the money. I know we are married now and it is OUR money, but it would be nice if there is an additional income to help with everything.

I DO WANT THIS TO WORK! I am not selfish. I will read those books and see how it can help save my marriage.

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Many people believed that he was just marrying me so I could support him. I don't know if that is necessarily the case but he knows that he does not need to work cause I can support both of us. He is not actively looking for a job at all.

We did live together for 2 years before we were married and he did pay for many things, but now its on me. I am willing to pay for everything, but its kinda upsetting when he has no motivation to do anything and I am the one working hard.

I am going to have to have to let him know he has to try to find a job.

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Originally Posted by angelbaby26
Many people believed that he was just marrying me so I could support him. I don't know if that is necessarily the case but he knows that he does not need to work cause I can support both of us. He is not actively looking for a job at all.

We did live together for 2 years before we were married and he did pay for many things, but now its on me. I am willing to pay for everything, but its kinda upsetting when he has no motivation to do anything and I am the one working hard.

I am going to have to have to let him know he has to try to find a job.

Okay then, why did you choose to marry him?

If he didn't have a job before, HOW did he "pay for many things?"

And if many people believed he was marrying you so the you could support him, and I assume you knew that before you married him, again, WHY did you choose to marry him?


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Originally Posted by ForeverHers
Originally Posted by catperson
Did he marry you so you could support him? Sounds like it.

Learn about boundaries. He's trying to manipulate you, like emotionally abusive people do. Stand firm on what you believe and don't cave in when you know he's not being reasonable.

Finally, help him find a job. Explain that you see no reason to be married to someone who's not actively seeking a job. When someone is looking, they are supposed to be spending at least 6 hours a day at it, making phone calls, filling out applications, searching the web, going to businesses. Is he?

Cat, it's interesting that with no information other than he is unemployed right now, and presumably was so while they were living together, that you "leap" to the conclusion that he married her simply so she could support him.

THEN you label him as "manipulative" AND an "abuser."

I think it's clear that you are a "man hater" (I reached that conclusion the same way you reached your conclusions about her husband) and see nothing wrong with her desire to spend money on "pricey" things and to "eat out" and NOT save a few dollars by actually cooking.

But I'm sure that she will "eat up" your support for her continued desire to act as if she was single. So much for your support for BEING married.
Whatever, FH. I think it's clear you are intent on finding issues with people.

I leapt to the conclusion (which has since been proved true) that he expected her to pay his way by the way she writes; as a student of psychology, I know that you can learn a lot about people simply by the way they write (just like I can tell a lot about you, but that's neither here nor there).

And, if you would be a little more careful about discrediting people, you would reread my post and see I did NOT label him as an abuser. I said "He's trying to manipulate you, like emotionally abusive people do." I often bring that up so that people will take a harder look at their relationship, to learn something about it. She needs to understand why she chose a person who has no desire to earn a living, who tries to control how she spends the money SHE earns, and who tries to make her feel bad. What is good about that? What is MB about that?

Honestly? If HE was working, if he had tried to get a job in the last 3 years, I would be all for them budgeting THEIR money as a couple. If he chooses not to contribute, I have a hard time seeing why he should have any say in how she spends HER money. It's obvious that, once they got married, he instantly considered HER money HIS money, even though he didn't put a dime toward HIS money.

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Originally Posted by catperson
Originally Posted by ForeverHers
Originally Posted by catperson
Did he marry you so you could support him? Sounds like it.

Learn about boundaries. He's trying to manipulate you, like emotionally abusive people do. Stand firm on what you believe and don't cave in when you know he's not being reasonable.

Finally, help him find a job. Explain that you see no reason to be married to someone who's not actively seeking a job. When someone is looking, they are supposed to be spending at least 6 hours a day at it, making phone calls, filling out applications, searching the web, going to businesses. Is he?

Cat, it's interesting that with no information other than he is unemployed right now, and presumably was so while they were living together, that you "leap" to the conclusion that he married her simply so she could support him.

THEN you label him as "manipulative" AND an "abuser."

I think it's clear that you are a "man hater" (I reached that conclusion the same way you reached your conclusions about her husband) and see nothing wrong with her desire to spend money on "pricey" things and to "eat out" and NOT save a few dollars by actually cooking.

But I'm sure that she will "eat up" your support for her continued desire to act as if she was single. So much for your support for BEING married.
Whatever, FH. I think it's clear you are intent on finding issues with people.

I leapt to the conclusion (which has since been proved true) that he expected her to pay his way by the way she writes; as a student of psychology, I know that you can learn a lot about people simply by the way they write (just like I can tell a lot about you, but that's neither here nor there).

And, if you would be a little more careful about discrediting people, you would reread my post and see I did NOT label him as an abuser. I said "He's trying to manipulate you, like emotionally abusive people do." I often bring that up so that people will take a harder look at their relationship, to learn something about it. She needs to understand why she chose a person who has no desire to earn a living, who tries to control how she spends the money SHE earns, and who tries to make her feel bad. What is good about that? What is MB about that?

Honestly? If HE was working, if he had tried to get a job in the last 3 years, I would be all for them budgeting THEIR money as a couple. If he chooses not to contribute, I have a hard time seeing why he should have any say in how she spends HER money. It's obvious that, once they got married, he instantly considered HER money HIS money, even though he didn't put a dime toward HIS money.

That's right Catperson, as a "student of psychology," then you should KNOW that words have meanings, and the meanings of your chosen words, such as "abuser" are clear, even if you want to "weasel" on the them with an appeal to the word "like." "Like," as you used it, MEANS "just like," "as if," "the person IS," "even if you don't want to think so this is what *I* think."

And "yes" you are correct, I am "intent on finding issues with people," who are NOT "Marriage Building." Your entire post was "one sided," and based on your speculation. Your entire post "reinforced" her in an "Individual Counseling" sort of mode that is was ONLY interested in her "feeling better about herself," and NOT interested in improving the marriage.

Catperson, for WHATEVER REASON, this woman CHOSE to marry this man and they are now MARRIED. THAT is why I asked her WHY she chose to get married to him.

Why don't you try ASKING questions before you leap to conclusions that will do little more than reinforce "independent behavior" on ANY of the marriage partner's part?

But if I use the same "reasoning ability" you are using here, then your attack on her husband and your attack on me (also a man) is just further proof that you are a "man hater" and completely "one sided" in favor of "the wife can do no wrong and is NOT a 'part of the marriage problem'."

ONE more time, either she needs to BE married, or she needs to BE single. THAT choice, just like GETTING married was, just like shacking up with him for years before marriage was, HER CHOICE.

IF her husband were here, I would have a few things to say to him too, but he is not and all we have is this "sweet young thing's" side of the story, and her side DOES show her intense focus on "self" and NOT being married.

Do I think that her husband should get off of his butt and go get a job? You bet, for a variety of reasons. But in this "Day of the Liberated Woman," what we SEE here is the "ultimate" in female liberation in a marriage, the woman is the "breadwinner" and the man is the "stay at home househusband."

"He's there all the time?" Are you kidding? They are MARRIED. Where else, if not at work, SHOULD he be? Out carousing?


Quote
I leapt to the conclusion (which has since been proved true) that he expected her to pay his way by the way she writes; as a student of psychology, I know that you can learn a lot about people simply by the way they write (just like I can tell a lot about you, but that's neither here nor there).

ooooohh...now I'm trembling! I would HOPE that after 6 and half years on MB MOST people would be able to "tell a lot" about me because I don't "hide" who I am or what I believe. You, on the other hand, want to play "psychologist" and think you are, therefore, superior to anyone else and their ideas.

But you are RIGHT about one thing, it IS neither here nor there.

HERE we have a young MARRIED person who has posted, ostensibly, to seek HELP for her marriage and YOU "leap" to reinforcing her selfish, self-centered, behavior.

"News flash" for you Catperson, SELDOM are marital problems exclusively "one-sided." It usually takes two, operating independently and self-centeredly, to have problems. They WERE single while shacking up and they DID operate independently, that is evident, even with respect to her self-centered focus on her "protestation" that "back then" (a whopping LONG time ago) he "spent money on her."

But NOW, catperson, they ARE married. And the problems need to be approaced as MARRIAGE problems that they are JOINT partners in because they ARE married and voluntarily "gave up" 'singlehood' in favor of creating a new unit of "one flesh" between them.

YOU "leap" to "Boundaries," with no mention of the more important "Standards."

So what do I think? I've stated what I think. Your advice to her is "one-sided" and totally geared toward "Individual Couseling" approaches that simply say "YOU are okay no matter what you think or do."

AT BEST, you are totally focused on HER, excusing her behaviors and totally dumping on her husband (deserved or not is NOT an issue at this stage of their marriage) and NOT on the marriage and how to help her to build a good marriage.




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He hasn't looked for work in 3 years.

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Originally Posted by catperson
He hasn't looked for work in 3 years.

Okay, and she knew that GOING IN to the marriage, right?

Isn't improving a marriage about what BOTH spouses might need to CHANGE in their individual behaviors that will benefit the Marriage?

So, again, WHY did she CHOOSE to marry him "anyway?"


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Personal FOO issues that make her want to save somebody?

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Originally Posted by catperson
Personal FOO issues that make her want to save somebody?

I prefer not to speculate. That is why I asked her for her input as to "why."

We need to hear her reasons in order to begin to understand, let alone begin to offer some potential advice to help her with the situation she now finds herself in.

If she really isn't interested in helping her marriage, then the only "viable" options are to live with it the way it is or to get a divorce.

But I assume she DOES want some help or she probably wouldn't have posted to begin with.




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I married him because he has always been good to me and has always been faithful to me. He doesn't sneak around my back and cheat on me or lie to me about where he is, he tells me what he does and doesn't beat around the bush. He has a great heart and always wants to put others first before he takes care of himself. He will even find the smallest thing to do for someone else before he does anything for himself. He is honest, which is a hard trait to find. He is a great man, but like every person (including myself) has flaws that I have learned to deal with.

Things have actually improved between us the past couple of days because I think that he realized that he was being too hard to me for the things that I bought.

I didn't marry for money, I married for love. I know that I have to make sacrifices for him, and he must do the same too. It is upsetting that he is not actively looking for a job, but before the wedding he promised me that he would start looking for a job after the honeymoon. Nothing has been accomplished.

I want to work on my marriage and avoid all the unnecessary conflict and problems. I appreciate everyone's advice as well, but everyone should not be arguing over this. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion whether it is based on research or not.


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He has not looked for any job or filled out applications or anything. In the past, he carried himself very well and had a very prestigious position at a large company so I know he is capable of doing it again.

I am just frustrated at the fact, he hasn't even tried!!!! If he did I would be more understanding about the whole situation.

I have suggested many things for him to do, but he says that it will not make enough money.

I also see signs of depression coming from him. He sleeps a lot and is always down on himself. I know he needs motivation and I try to give that to him and compliment him as much as I possibly can.

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If he came from a prestigious job and is saying jobs are not good enough, I think you're going to develop a huge elephant in the room. You need to understand why he is not looking. He needs to understand why. To stave off the depression.

When you talk about it, how do you talk about it? Do you bring it up? Does he? Is it discussed in terms of him doing wrong by not having a job? Is it discussed in terms of worrying about him? Praising him for his past achievements? How do these conversations go?

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Excellent questions, catperson!

I would include WHY did he lose his "prestigous job?"

I suspect that there is a "self-esteem" thing going on here too.


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