My oldest child, 10 is acting rude around BF. Not sure why, BF is occassionally here for dinner but doesn't spend the night. BF and I agree that it isn't the right model to set for children so we don't do it. Kids live w/me. When oldest sees BF, he sometimes doesn't even speak. He has been taught to talk to all grown-ups but sometimes he is rude to my friends nonetheless. He is punished for being rude but maybe I'm too easy on him? BF is proving no exception.

BF and I dated for months before we exposed our relationship to the children. I thought I was doing everything the way I was supposed to but now oldest is really acting up about whole situation. It isn't BF's fault. I actually used great judgment in picking this one! We aren't talking marriage or anything but it is the first relationship the kids have seen me in since the D. I went out with people but it was never serious enough to involve the children.

ExH is married to OW and have OC. They lived together while ex and I were still married. Kids seem to like OW and didn't seem to care that daddy got married.

The other day, oldest told me that if I got married he would "throw the cake in my face."

Kids have known BF since they were born and were always glad to see him before we started dating. BF has no kids so there are none of those complications to deal with.

So, why do they feel threatened now that Mom is in a relationship?

It doesn't seem fair that Daddy can do whatever he wants and still has hero status. Meanwhile Mom gets duped by daddy and OW, then gets lucky and finds herself in a fulfilling and honest relationship only to be repeatedly embarrassed by a 10 year old w/attitude.

Any input is appreciated.

I dunno..I'm in the complete opposite position. My children also live with me but they are very respectful with who I date but are very outspoken when it comes to who the Ex dates. I've tried to figure it out for almost 3 years now. Problem I have is the Ex puts our daughter on an emotional rollercoaster by dating then breaking up then dating then breaking up and now back to dating the same women he left the marriage for. He doesn't see the damage he's doing to her and he gets mad at our daughter for "disliking" the OW. He claims I posion her mind but what he doesn't see is that I try to reason with our daughter. He says our daughter should be mad at him when this happens and not the other woman. Our daughter tried to explain to him this past weekend that he's a different daddy when he's with the OW and that's why she doesn't like the OW. So frustrating!

re assure them that they don't have to like your BF. . . you can even hate him if you want, BUT you have to be respectful of others, that is a permanent rule

works with my kids. . .and GF's kids

I should clarify that our daughter isn't rude to the OW's face...She is very outspoken to the Ex and myself when venting about the OW though.

My YD would tell me off and on that she hated BF. Occassionally, she would be borderline rude. If she had been 10 instead of 7, I’d probably have had a fit. My mother and sister helped out by pointing out to YD that YD wouldn’t always be around and it was nice that Mommy had someone who made her happy. They also pointed out the good things about BF. Over the last year and a half, YD has really changed her tune. She has accepted BF, good thing, since we’re getting married, and really enjoys spending time with him. I think the key was that we didn’t change our routine that much. BF has always said my kids were my first priority. He is happy being my second top priority. BF doesn’t go to a lot of the girls’ events, like concerts or games. I go to those by myself. We also have lots of “girl time.”

With a son, it’s a little different. I’m sure your son feels as if it’s his job to protect you. When my parents split up, my much younger brother decided he was the man of the house, responsible for the honor of his sisters and his mother. Mom didn’t date, and good thing given the scrutiny my dates got.

Starving:

Yes, my DD was rude to S when we were dating. My ex was already in a relationship, and she was rude to ex's BF too.

I think it had to do with her fear that when my ex and I moved on from each other, that somehow we would move on from her too.

In the case of her mom, it turned out to be true. I think in my case, she just had to vent for awhile, and me to show her by my actions that being a father was always going to be important to me, no matter what else happened.

Even now that things are settled a bit, we still have good days and bad days, though no one is currently purposely rude to my spouse.

Could you elaborate as to this?

Thanks everyone for all your help. Wiffty, zero-tolerance policy on rudeness is now in effect and the kids know it. After son and I talked about my re-marriage(?), which I guess must be in his head although I have no plans to get married anytime soon, he seemed to relax a bit.

GG and onmyway: You both gave me something to think about. Thanks. Onmyway,someone else gave me similar advice a while back for a different problem.

AGE: glad your children are tolerant of your BFs. Hopefully ex will understand someday.

charliethree: BF and I have been friends forever. If you are asking whether something inappropriate was going on, then I can elaborate and say no. I introduced BF to his first GF, then he dated my college roommate. The kids have known BF since they were born and now all of a sudden the oldest one is rude to him. I don't get it, but WIFFTY is right, I think. No matter what, they need to show respect to grown-ups. BF and I are acting respectfully towards them.

One of two things. You can let the kids go to a counselor, just to help them sort out their feelings. Whether they're rude or not, whether they say so, they do have feelings about you dating; sometimes it's good to have a safe place to go to and talk about it. Their friends aren't old enough to help, and the parents are off limits because kids are invested in a daily dance to please the parents/gain their love/approval. You have to remember that to a 10 year old, his parents are pretty much his whole world - he depends on them for almost everything, so any change in adult status directly affect them; so they're extremely observant of everything you do in terms of what changes they'll have to make. Especially after a divorce, and learning that parents don't necessarily always stick together - that is a HUGE upset for them, even for adult children.

Second thing, improve the communication flow. I talk to my D17 about everything, and I encourage her to always talk to me - about everything. If you as a parent are the one safe place they can go to, to talk about their dreams and fears and embarrassments and lack of understanding and...you get the idea. You have to be the one place in the world that your child can say anything without fear of judgment. Even if they've screwed up, they have to feel safe to tell you; they may know they might get punished, if it was something they knew they shouldn't have done, but they should also know you won't criticize them for doing it. Everyone makes mistakes, ya know?

Anyway, even when D17 has done something wrong, I approach it in terms of it's my job to help them look at what they did and learn from it, NOT in terms of how disappointed I am that she screwed up. I remember hearing my mother tell me I disappointed her, and it was worse than any punishment she could have come up with. It killed me.

So your kids have to know it's safe to tell you anything, even if it's that your dating scares him and makes him think you won't need him to protect you any more (my guess) or that he doesn't like BF as a date for you, or whatever. As long as he knows he can tell you these things and you will still love him, he'll feel safer telling you, instead of acting out, out of emotion.

Thanks catperson for the thoughtful response. I am sure my son can't remember what it was like to have a secure family at home. XH started up w/OW when the oldest was 3. Of course son doesn't know that. I have considered counseling before but the situation, whatever it was, always improved before my allotted 3 months to work on it by myself was up. Son does seem like an angry kid sometimes though. Other days he's great. At least to me he seems angry. ExH says he hasn't seen anything like what I am describing. Ex-h says the kids are always respectful of adults when he's around. Of course if my son is rude to OW, I'd never hear about it.

I might approach ex-h about the behavior. When exh found out about BF he made a snide comment, and I said, "what, do you have a problem w/B?" Ex-h said, "actually no.I think B is a great person and I am OK having someone like that around the kids." One word from ex-h could change whole scenario.

Thanks again for all the help.

I promise you, your son has a lot of issues with you, your ex, and your BF. Remember that a child's parents and siblings, at least until they're around 15, are their whole world. Everything you do affects him. He watches you like a hawk, though you probably won't catch him doing it. Especially if he's from a broken home; all the insecurity and angst just doubles when the parents split. Especially when the oldest is a boy, he automatically takes on the man of the family role, whether he even realizes he's doing it. So then, you have to add on his fear of losing that important role in your life (your protector); his fear that this man might hurt his mom, even though he's known him all his life (when he's a dater, it all changes); and his fear of loss of control, because when a new man comes in the picture all bets are off.

My daughter is 17. She has no real problems, great kid, smart, tons of friends, so pretty that she's signed with a modeling agency. Her parents are still together. So she really doesn't 'need' to see a counselor.

But she has no siblings, and fewer than 5 people in our extended family, none of whom we see regularly. You have to know that kids will filter what they share with their parents, because they are forever wanting to get their parents' love and approval. So I went ahead and set her up with a counselor, just so she would have a safe place to have someone to talk to, bounce ideas off of, see if she's on track in her life, ask for advice on how to deal with family, friend, or boyfriend problems. It has made a night and day difference. It has given her a sense of calm and safety and control over her life. I really recommend it.

I dug this up to say thanks to all of you for helping. Things have changed so much around here. My kids are now happy when BF comes around. My oldest has called my BF a few times, mainly to give him a hard time about something he said but in a fun way. When my youngest child had his last birthday, he invited BF. I told him he didn't have to invite him but the kids said yes, they wanted him to come.

We took a weekend trip together, just the four of us this fall and it was so easy. The kids behaved great.

BF doesn't spend the night here and we don't share a room when we are away with the kids so I hope they realize how much we respect them. The kids live w/me but are at their father's every other weekend. On the weekends they are with me, BF usually comes over for dinner and brings a movie or we play games or something. It's fun and I don't worry any more that they are going to say something rude. I can't believe things have improved so much.

Thanks again for all your help.

Hi! Just want to say, glad things have changed and worked out for you. I also want to say that this is so common and classic behavior. Kids are very frightened by their primary caregiver bringing another person into the mix. It unsettles them and they act out of fear of the unknown. As you can see, once you reassure them that they will always be #1 (and they see/feel it) but set boundaries at the same time as to what is acceptable (expressing their feelings respectfully) and what is not (acting out/DJ's) they usually find their way and the behavior stops.

Good luck!

I'm so glad to hear it, especially for your kids' sakes. It sounds like they've got a great extra father figure in their lives, and you can never have too many of those.

Catperson,

As usual, you are spot on. My father spends a lot of time with them too and he is a great role model as well. Kids need good influences wherever we can find them.

Thanks for your help!