Hi, H&P. I don't think I've posted to you before, but when I see LG offering up great advice, sometimes it catches my attention. And he gave you great advice.

So, the impact you probably want the letter to have (every BS does) is for your WH to wake up, emerge from the Fog, and come home. You need to let go of that one, because it's not going to happen. Plan B doesn't work that way. You don't enter into it to make him change--you enter into it because you're going to change.

The impact you really want is for him to 1) leave you alone, and 2) understand why you want him to leave you alone. He probably won't get either one--WS's tend to view Plan B as punishment--but at least you tried.

Be strong. Be dark.

sdguy,I'm going to try very hard to stay DARK.My problem is that when I do see or talk to him I think of him as my H, as he doesn't get nasty with me etc... I still hurt when we have had this type of contact.
The only time I get angry with him is when he upsets the boys....I sometimes wish I was really cheesed off at him cos this would be easier to handle....I'm just not that type of person.. also I won't lower myself to that level.

WH just phoned to speak to the boys (DS18 has gone out).He spoke to DS16 and asked if I was working night shift.(its 9.30pm here)DS16 said I was home...now normally I would have asked to speak to WH when the boys were finished if there was something we needed to talk about...,of course I didn't this time...he never asked to speak to me so maybe he gets the message of my letter.

I'm ok though.....I have nothing to lose now and I'm going to try put him out of my mind.

This is ESSENTIAL......

Everytime you think about it, it will hurt and you will do what all BS's do.. Wonder...

Its easier said than done hey!

I'm fine at work..but I battle when I wake up and go to sleep,he's on my mind..also I pray for him so naturally his in my thoughts.

There was a time,before the loan saga began, when thinking about him or hearing him talk to the boys on the phone really didn't bother me....BUT when we started talking and him thinking about coming home started again......I was back on that rollercoaster ride beside him.

There has been so much activity in WH's life these last 2 months, with him being forced to move house,opening the shop and sorting out the loan at the bank which I had to be involved in. The boys would also talk about the new house and happenings there.I was drawn into WH's life.... curiosity got the better of me...I know, it also killed the cat!!!

I guess this gives us all Plan Bers' a good lesson in understanding why TOTAL DARKNESS is for OUR PROTECTION and SURVIVAL.

So true....I hope others lurking here are able to learn from my mistakes.

I still find it hard to think of my WH as typical....

We aren't making mistakes. We are learning about life in this journey. It's all trial and error and finding our ways to best survive.

Being typical though has it's comforts. We know we aren't ALONE or CRAZY....

Ok so I've been putting this off but here goes.....

I phoned WH and asked him if he understood my letter or must I explain...I know I was stupid!...He was abrupt and I could hear that he had been drinking, he said 'No, he understood it....also that he had decided that he wasn't coming home,no more thinking.....I said that I was sorry to here that.He said "there was nothing for him to come to.....said he loved me but wasn't in love with me blah,blah....

I asked him if he knew if a court date had been set.He said he had received an email from his lawyer saying it was on the 2nd Dec...but it had to be confirmed???He was very defensive...

Obviously when I put the phone down I was upset and angry with myself,but at least I know about the court date.

I'm fine today,working in my garden and relaxing.....
Fire away with the 2x4's!!!

Hope

Y'know I read back to some of you old, old posts. You have been through this route before.

You know the deal. You know that we know you know the deal.

With tears in my navy blue eyes........WHHYYYYY??????

Your Plan B sucks. Mine did too. And now I'm divorced and happy. That's all I have to say about it.

My Plan B sucked too, and now I'm on the D road as well. You only get one shot to do a good Plan B.

My emotions got the better of me unfortunately.....

As the Ddate is just round the corner,I gues the marriage is truly over....

Believe it or not, I'm still going to try stay in plan B as I've said all along to WH I can't be his friend when we are divorced...he knows too, that there is no turning back once we are divorced.

I told him when we spoke on the phone, that he must please stick to the conditions in my letter once we are divorced.

Plan B is for US not the wayward person, and the intention is not to bring them home but for our sanity,right? So I'm going to do this for me now....before I was really hoping deep down, that it would bring him home,now I know better.....its for ME.

HNP:

My Plan B totally sucked too. You aren't alone. I broke NC many times HOPING my WW would be "different". Each time I heard back more fog, more "I love you but we can't be together", more "I have made a new life and I wish you all the best", more "I pray that you find the love I feel now with OM" etc., etc.

There were times when she clearly missed my family, times when her guilt showed through, times when she choked up and her voice cracked, times when she wanted my forgiveness and validation, times when she expressed remorse for what she could have done differently, and even times when she was practically begging for me to "compliment her".

It was and is all for naught. Unless they end their R with the OP (or vice versa), they are trapped psychologically. They can't possibly be the spouse you desperately want to hear. They can't commit to YOU and the M. All it does is cause us BSs MORE PAIN AND DISAPPOINTMENT.

We love someone who won't love us back. They do not realize or will not accept that you LOVE someone voluntarily by "what you do" rather than because "how you feel". And even if the have a tenuous grasp on that concept, they choose to "do" the loving for the OP, no matter how completely unworthy that OP is in comparison, probably because they "feel like doing it" (at least at present).

I cry with you--again, you are not alone. May the peace of God's love be with you...know that you are always loved by HIM. Know that you have honored your commitment to your spouse even in the most trying and desperate circumstances. Know that you have unflinchingly done what is right, even when doing it hurt more than these waywards can possibly fathom. Know that you are a person of HONOR and they are definitely not. Know that you "have fought the good fight" and can sleep with the knowledge that God fully knows who fought for the right and who refused to obey it. They live with guilt; you live with dignity. They are deceitful betrayers; you are loyal and decent. They will reap what they have sown -- in God's time.

"Father, forgive them...For they know not what they do."

You really won't know what will happen until the affair ends. I'm sure there is a lot of stress now, and that will work in your favor. But protect your heart by staying dark, or you will suddenly wake up one morning and realize you have no love at all left for him.

My ex says what he regrets even more than the loss of the marriage is the loss of my friendship. I'm polite to him, but that is it.

Hello,

Sorry to see you in such terrible pain. I am a BS from a little over 2 years ago. I begged to just lived for the next 5 mins. when i first found out. then you had these incredibly wonderful people here who helped me walked a minute at a time.

Eventually WW moved out after 14 MONTHS of Plan A (strongly recommend you or anyone not to do this..... i was in it for the long haul.). As soon as she moved out i went to plan B and more than ever i feared what it would do to my son (now 8 years).

I can tell you that what you read here from the old pros are true .... Trust God, do the right thing and wait .... hard as it may seam. You see, my son have been saying things about his mom that i at times have to discipline and correct with empathy.... things have a way of coming to light. Now they have broken up (WW and OP) he is married to another... and recently heard she lost her job. There is no victory here. Just sadness at the devastation caused by selfishness for generations to come.

"Love " hatched in secret will never last, it may seem exciting to them .. but trust me it will never last. and you rest assured that you held your head up high... facing the inevitable sword of pain ... and still held on to your convictions. That alone will haunt him for times to come. Trust me. You will become better, more attractive, both outside and inside to others years to come, and you cant believe for a time that you were here... at this point...now. feeling this way.


then i will say to you, remember this day, right now, for this is YOUR DEFINING MOMENT, a time when you should have crumbled and like ashes blown away to be remembered no more. but you know that your heart said "not now, not today...not ever", a time when your excuse for a man said things that God allowed to be a fire that refine you like silver and gold. Yes your world may seem to come apart...but u are still here and will continue to be. Because of him ..... you truly know who you are.

I salute you. I have been there, i have the mental and emotional scars to prove it, but just like me and many other BS here you will be shining like the star one day.

Stay strong.

Walk with God.

Lots of hugs and support from Jamaica.

007

You guys really touched my heart....thank you so much for taking the time to post to me,you don't know how much it means to me right now.I have tears in my eyes as I type this post.I can sense that your posts are truly from the heart and only someone who has been through this can comprehend the emotions that we endure.I thank you....

I felt like such a failure by phoning him....but as you say, I have done all that I could possibly do...WH and my marriage are in Gods Hands now...I can rest knowing that I left no stone unturned and most important of all for me, is that I've managed to keep my dignity through all this.My self esteem is way up there so I don't feel bad about myself...

People are always complimenting me on how well I look etc...don't mean to sound vain, but with the infidelity diet and change of hairstyle I do look much better!
What I'm trying to say is that I do have the confidence to go out there and meet someone but I'm not ready yet...and I don't want to...I know I'll not be alone for the rest of my life! That said, I feel so sad that WH has done this and what terrifies me even more is that his affair has a good chance of ending and my love will have died, I just know it....

I have a lot to be thankful for in my life, good job, good friends and family and 2 boys who support me 100%, So I'm not going to have a pity party!

This site and the many wonderful, warm, loving people are my life-line...no one else in my life really understands.....

For an update.....

DS18 came home yesterday lunchtime from WH as he had to study for exams.DS16 is staying with WH for the week.DS16 came inside to say hi...and told me how WH had bought him a cue (the house they're renting has a pool table).WH told him it was a christmas present but not to tell OW's boys!! One of her boys then went and bought himself one with his own money apparently...these boys think my son bought it with his own money! How crazy is WH...he can't even admit to putting his boys above hers.I told DS16 not to talk to me about WH but he just continued telling me cos he was excited.

DS18 let slip that WH was "trashed" on saturday night and was reminiscing about times he spend with our old neighbor who was a good friend of WH's.He passed away 10 years ago...what made WH think of him I don't know....he was like a father to WH.

I think I'm over the worst pain emotionally and I will be fine, but I will be sad for a while to come.I still don't know if the divorce date is final..will wait and see.

HNP:

Sweetie, we need to be here for each other (collectively)!

Yes, I have tears pouring down my face now, too, and I'm a guy...

Love ya',
SD

Hope,

We do what we do to survive. And survive you have. Girl, look how far you have come. You have walked through the pain, you have reached out and helped others and you have continued to walk with dignity and love in your heart for you H to come home.

It's never over when G-d is out there with his plans. But we have to let him have the control and our lives for him to work in them.

Hold your head up girl, you are doing awesome. If we stumble, we get up, if we fall we get up and keep moving forward.

I love you.....

Thanks Queenie,

I've been ok these last 2 days.....

DS18 wrote his last exam today so he has officially finished school...I can't believe it..
Him and a few friends have gone out celebrating....
He told me that WH's one sis and her family are coming to visit him 15th Dec, not sure for how long, and then his mom and her H are coming after that.It hit a nerve but I recovered quickly.....His mom and I were close and I knew her 27 years....the last 10 years they lived in another province so we holidayed with her once a year but we always phoned each other.She phoned me ONCE at the start of the affair, and I haven't heard from her since...I definitely don't want to see her....

My boys are finding it hard to not say things to me about WH. Granted, I would have found out closer to the time that his family was here in Cape Town, but its hard.

Do you think its unfair on the boys, me telling them not to talk about what they do when they are with WH? I feel like I'm forcing them to keep a part of their lives secret from me...if that makes any sense? I'm not going to change my conditions, don't worry!

This is neither of your fault. So sad that the infidelity should split a friendship.

Also her grandchildren would be visited at WW house. Not nice.