Was I loved as a wife or as a possession?
fc25 fc25
Junior Member


Registered: 11/06/08
Posts: 3 Here is my story!

I have been married for 14 years to my H. I am from another country.I came here to get married to my H. We met in our country while he was visiting his parents, fell in love, he purposed me the second day we met and I said "YES". We got engaged, he came back to USA and after 9 months of being engaged, I came here and got married to him.
I came from a fairly rich family and never had to do any house work, spoiled I know,that's the life I knew.
My husband was living with one of his cousins and that is where I was brought after getting married. Third day of marraige, my H went to work and his cousin who was 8mo P made me do everything in the house. When I complained to my H, he said that the Cousin had done a lot for him so I should not talk like this. After a month when I could not take it any more and when H saw how she treated me, we moved to an apartment. After 3 months I recieved a huge package in mail. When I opened it there were love letters
and intimate pictures of my H with OW. He did tell me that he had done a paper marriage, people from other countries would get married to a US citizen to get citizenship and pay them for it.
This was not at all what I was told. He had this relation going on for a while. I was heart broken and when H came back from work I showed him everything and wanted to go back to my country.He apoligized a million times and told me that he loved me only and that this was all over. He also made me promise that I would not tell anyone about this. FF a few months his brother came from our country and started living with us. He didnot liked me and expected me to be his maid. He filled my H with so much negitivity against me that we were arguing all the time. I was so frustrated at that time that I tried to end my life and ended up in ER. The brother got married and moved to California and I got pregnant with my first daughter. Things became better and than his parents came from our country and started living with us. I was excited to have family as I used to feel lonley however it turned out to be a nightmare. MIL wanted my H to treat me like a doormat and he did. We had a few fights where I wanted to get a divorce and move away. By this time we had 2 daughters and that always stopped me.
My mother taught me that the man has to work outside the house and has to deal with alot, so when he comes home a wife should greet him with smile and comfort him, no matter how your day has been. Now, I would like to mention this here that I had always worked too. I worked outside the house before we had kids. After my daughter was born, I opened a home daycare and worked 12-14 hour shifts.
After 3 years of my in- laws staying with us, they moved to their older son in California and life became a little better for me. My H only worked his job and had never helped in the house. Not even when I was pregnant. He would go to work, come back, eat, watch TV and sleep.
Whenever we would have an argument he would tell me he was done with me and it was his way or the highway. I had learned by now to keep my feelings inside, liten and aploigize for his and my mistakes and go on with life. Doing so, though slowly moved me away from him. I got P again and had an awful pregnancy. He did not help me the whole time. When I came back from the hospital, I put the bags down and started cleaning the kitchen.
He never took my advice on financial issues. Left a very good job and bought a business where we lost about $100,000.00. I was doing daycare 24/ 7 to make enough so he would not feel that he was not making any money. He didnot work on regular basis for 3 years.
I started working outside the house part time and did daycare. I got emtionally involved with a co worker and got very close to him. Although you all might not agree with me and call it an A,
it is not just an A for me. I love this man with all that I am.
We both realized that this was wrong as he is MM and we decided several times not to go on this path. I than realized that I had drifted so far away from my H.The MM and I both did not want to hurt any one however my H and his W found out and it did hurt everyone that we cared for. Although now that we are in NC because we decided to work on our marriages and keep the families together, it is very difficult for me to go back physically to my H. He has been extermely patient and understanding in this whole process but when he asks me if I still love OM, I tell him the truth that I do and will always love him. That offcouse hurts him a lot and he questions me how I can be with one when I have another in my mind?
Should I tell him lies when he asks me this or should I say the truth?
In my 14 years of married life this is how I felt and our culture plays a huge part in this. I felt like I was told that I was loved but used as a show piece that my H had and was proud of having a beautiful, educated wife. I was told many times by him that I am a women and I shoud know my place and not try to become the husband. Now the perfect image of the wife who would bare everything and say nothing has been destroyed by me loving someone else, which I know has no justification and is totally WRONG.
My marraige has 2 issues now. I donot desire my H physically, although I do everything else for him that a wife could and secondly, I would always love the OM....that is the truth of my life. Any suggestions how to handle things better???
I had originally posted in emotional needs and was suggested to move to this forum. there are a few responses in emtional needs section.

I am sorry you got yourself into this situation. It is good that you ended the affair and recommitted to your husband. I suggest you go to the MB weekend together and work through the home study program.

You might read Fall In Love Stay in Love. The goal is to fall in love with your husband and choose to let the love you feel for the OM die. You will have a better chance of doing that if you follow the program.

Neither you nor your husband have been perfect in this marriage and you are both responsible for the choices you have made even to the point of choosing to get married to someone you didn't really know in the first place. Now with three kids you really have to put them ahead of your feelings and your marriage first and keep making the choice to love your husband.

That is exactly what I am trying to do. My biggest issue is that he had forced sex on me a couple of times. I did get a little bit physically and a lot emotionally hurt. Iam not able to forget that and I am not able to have a helthy sexual life. He still kind of forces it on me meaning he would not ask me if I want to or not but would just start. I am tired of telling him no and stop so I let him continue which doesn't help the situation.
I can spend a wonderful day with him, him hugging me holding hands and stuff but as soon as it becomes sexual, I freek out and want to run away. I can not over come this feeling and don't know what to do.

How long have you had no contact with the other man? Have you had complete no contact - no seeing him, no messages?

fc25,
I asked this in your other thread, but I didn't see you answer. When you say he has forced sex on you, do you mean he raped you? Did you say no, and he took you anyways? If he did, you need to get the police involved. He represents a danger to you and your kids. Regardless of what culture you are from, in America, he does not have the right to sex, whether his wife wants it or not.

But if he was just persistent in seeking sex until you gave in, despite not wanting it, that speaks more to your weak boundaries. I would not say he forced you. Like your affair was a product of weak boundaries, so is the sexual issue you are facing right now. If you don't flat out tell him "No!", the blame lies with you because you are enabling very poor behavior on his part. The lesson he sees is that if he keeps trying, he will eventually get what he wants, so there is no onus on him to change. If you want him to stop "forcing" sex on you, it begins with you setting clear boundaries of what you are willing and aren't willing to do right now.

On another note, one major issue I see in blocking any recovery attempt is the fact that you are actively pining for the OM. You have romanticized the sex you had with OM and convinced yourself that such a relationship is impossible with your husband. You have rationalized the two paths before you as "pure love with OM that cannot be sought/fulfilled" vs. "settling for an unfulfilling life of duty to your husband". Your husband has no chance if you continue to cast yourself as a martyr. Your husband needs some training in how to be a good husband and more cognizant of your sexual needs, but you would be wrong to say he cannot learn.

But your first step is letting go of the OM. Despite what you may tell yourself, you are not really trying with your recovery while you hold OM as the forbidden, pinnacle of love. Whenever your thoughts go to him, make an active choice to think of something else. Make a list of good memories you have of your husband and focus on those when your thoughts drift to OM. Eventually it will become an automatic process and your fantasy of OM will slowly fade. Only then will you be able to give your husband a fair shot at becoming the man you want him to be.

I have answered a couple of your questions in my other thread.
You are right. I do still think about him all the time. I know I need to make better choices and decisions. I do know that this would destroy everything I have and love. Can anyone tell me an easy way to focus on other things when your mind is going in the wrong direction?

You should repost your answers to that other thread here so others can see them. I think they might drastically change some of the advice you get.

No one is going to recommend you stay with a husband who physically forces you to have sex with him against your will.

fc25, this attitude likely played a huge role in the demise of your marriage and your choice to have an affair. By going along with this and not telling him what he was doing wrong, you have fallen out of love and in love with someone else. As you can see, "bearing everything" without complaint has not been helpful to your marriage. You and your H have BOTH suffered as a result. By tolerating his "forced sex" [rape?] you are now REPULSED by the notion of having sex with him.

But first off, I think it needs to be clarified if you have in fact been RAPED. Because if your H is raping you, that is a criminal issue, not a marital problem. Have you been raped?

I can't help but weigh in here. This is a classic case of emotional and sexual abuse (you said when he forced you, you were also hurt a little bit physically as well?) - so abuse of every sort. Culturally, you have been conditioned to believe that it is your role to abide by and tolerate the abuse that he heaps on you, and that "you" are the villain because you sought solace with someone who treated you well.

I know this site is to save marriages, but this really crosses the line. There is no way that staying in an abusive marriage is ever the answer. There is no way that you should absorb the responsibility for his abuse. There is no way that you should tolerate being ridiculed, used, disrespected, sexually abused, raped just because you are a WOMAN. And that is what this is about - unjust cultural/familial belief systems that devalue women. I treat my pets better than he has treated you.

I feel so badly for you - I wish there was someone with you that could give you support to help you grow stronger in knowing that you have incredible value as a woman, and deserve to feel the real love of another. Don't be diminished by guilt at this point. I feel that the affair you had is inconsequential at this point. It truly was the outcome of years of abuse, and (I know many will react badly to this), I find myself thinking that you deserved the bit of happiness you found with someone else.

There are affairs, and then there are affairs. You had an affair in the legal sense, yes, but good God - was it ever really a marriage in the first place?

Melody,
This is her response to me asking if she had actually been raped or if she had grudgingly let him use her body because he wouldn't stop trying.


She pretty clearly paints a picture of actual rape and the authorities need to be involved immediately.

I agree that this is very serious. However, I'm not sure that involving the authorities at this point is something she is able to do. She may not even post here again - involving the authorities at this point will probably scare her to death. Maybe if she was stronger, had some emotional distance between the two of them. Right now, the support she has reached out for is at a distance - here.

I think the first step would be to find someone to reach out to where she is. Not "his" friends, or family. No one who will try to minimize what she's experienced. Someone else - another friend, a counsellor, someone in her own family who is supportive. I don't blame her for thinking of her other relationship. It was black and white compared to the mindset of the man she is married to. I could never forgive a man who did to me what she did - husband or not. I know many women are taught to be giving, submit, that it is selfish to put your needs first. But she MUST do this. She has experienced rape once, a long time ago. He continues to inflict the pain on her again and again, with no consideration or sensitivity. He has no regard for her at all.

She needs to put all thoughts of saving the marriage aside. This is NOT a marriage. She must understand that on a very deep level. It may be familiar, and less scary than the unknown to her right now, but it is truly criminal what is happening to her.

Fc25, if you are lurking, please respond here. You may be feeling weak, and that you have no personal power, but it doesn't have to be this way. I think from your experience with the OM, you know this is true. He cared to satisfy your needs, and made you feel alive. That is not a bad thing. That is how it should be. I'm thankful you got to experience that with him, as maybe it is something you can hold onto as you unravel all the other emotions you are feeling about your husband.

If you are looking for support in leaving your husband, you have it here. I support you in that. I would think most people would. Your husband does NOT have the right to expect you to be loyal or honorable to him. He lost that right a long time ago. What you need is distance from him, and time to heal, hopefully with the help of a counsellor that you can really build a strong, open relationship with. Please post again and tell us if you have any people to turn to for support, anywhere to go that you can stay with your kids while you regroup and take care of you. Then, after you are stronger, you might want to consider taking legal action against your (ex)husband. Then again, you might not. But you will be in a better place to decide. Thinking of you!!!

fc25, what you have described here is a criminal issue, not a marital problem. Your husband is assaulting you and that is not something to be tolerated, but something that needs to be reported to the police. You need to get away from this man. Dr. Harley would NEVER EVER tell you to stay in an abusive situation and neither would any other sane person.

Are you living in America?

Domestic Violence

Thank you to all of you who read my thread and responded to it.
I think slowly as I am opening up more, as it was really hard for me to do that, everyone is understanding what I experienced and live through every day. This confidence to even get help like that was given to me by this OM. He did make me feel alive again. I feel like I am a person again and that I have the right to live like I want to. Keeping things inside me just so we don't get into an argument has not helped at all, I agree. I only wanted to have a happy married life. Trying to do everything myself and not hoolding him responsible for a lot of things made our relationship very week. I realized this, and that I have lost my self- esteem during this process, when this OM came in my life and made me realize that I am a beatiful, intelligent person and that I am God's daughter who loves me. There is no reason that anyone should use me as a posession or a piece of meat.
Now most of you might not like this and may not agree t this however although we both loved eachother deeply, we both realized that we are doing wrong in God's and His peoples eyes.We tried to separate from each other several times before our spouses found everything out but were not able to. We donot have a sexual attraction to eachother. He knows everything about what happened to me and respected that and would not come close to me if I did not want him to. When we were together, only holding hands or looking into eachothers eyes was enough. We could sit for an hour and not say anything and be satisfied by eachothers presence. OM always supported any of my decisions including my decision to separate us and has not contacted me. He did say though that if I ever needed his help I could call him and he would come no matter what! I do believe that.
With that kind of relation and the one I am in, how can I not cherish the moments I spent with OM.
About reporting his act to athourities, I thought about that however was not able to do that. You are right, I am scared, scared of what will happen after that, scared how it will effect my kids fragile minds, scared what would happen to him. I know this is crazy but I do and have loved him a lot and still cannot see anythig happening to him.
Although, now he has changed himself a lot. From the past few days he has started to help me in the house, takes interest in the kids lives and prays with me every morning, which by the way was my biggest desire for the longest time, but I guess now its kind of too late. No matter what he does for me, I do not feel that kind of happiness which I should, recieving from my H.
He still tries to have sex with me but I have started taking a stand and say no to him.
IT IS SO CONFUSING WHAT TO DO AS MY MIND SAYS TO TELL HIM THAT SEX IS SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER BE COMFORTABLE DOING WITH HIM. ON THE OTHER HAND MY HEART SAYS TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE, MAYBE HE HAS REALLY CHANGED AND WOULD RESPECT AND LOVE ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I GO THROUGH THIS DEBATE ALL DAY EVERY MINUTE OF MY LIFE.

I do live in America and am here from the past 15 years.
I am trying to gain couage to separate from him and take some time to think without the pressure.
Please keep on helping me. Your replies is giving me a lot of support.

Thank You for your support. Not by any means I would justify this to be the right thing but this is how I see my relation to OM.
I or him has never considered this to be an A and that is why I have avoided this word. I did get replies that not matter what I say it is A and need to admit that. That is what my H says too.
I have been unfaithful to my legal H however in my heart I had completely disconnected with him as a H. I should have asked for a divorce at that point, I know. The only thing I was waiting was for him to get a job and start making money. I knew once I leave him he would get very depressed and if he did not have a job, he would really go in depression. I love this OM as my H and accepted him with all my heart. I am not at all a kind of person who would look outside a relation to fulfill any needs that are not met. For me in my heart if I did not have a H W relation with my legal H, there was no relation. We still are under the same roof because of that piece of paper. I do care for my H a lot but have lost that very special relation with him that binds two lives together in a way that they live as one.
I know I am wrong in expressing all my feelings as it may offend a lot of people here but I think this is the only way I would get true and best advice and support.

Let me assure you he did use you as a piece of meat. Any man who fools with a married woman does not respect her or he would TREAT HER WITH RESPECT. He did not treat you with respect, he treated you in a degrading, disgusting manner and used you. What you describe is about as "romantic" as 2 pigs getting it on in the pig pen, fc25. There is nothing "romantic" about adultery. It is filthy and ugly no matter how you try to dress it up.

I am sorry to be so harsh, but you are clearly romanticizing something that is disgusting and degrading. This man has degraded you by helpng you become something very horrible: an adultress. That is not "love", fc25. Any man who really loved you would not help you be your WORST, but would help you be your BEST. He would never cross the line with a woman he RESPECTED and CARED FOR.

The first step is look at your adultery in a realistic light instead of through the lens of a CARTOON. It is CARTOONISH and fantastical to romanticise such putrid behavior.

If you think your husband is willing to change his violent ways, I would start first by telling him you can't be married to him anymore if he ever forces himself on you.

DOES HE KNOW ABOUT YOUR AFFAIR? Have you ended all contact with your adultery partner? Does the OM's wife know what you and OM have done?

fc25, if you don't believe me about your adultery partner not caring for you, then why don't you put my words to the test? Ask him to marry you and see what happens. Do you really think he would EVER leave his wife for you? Believe me, he would not.

Take a look at how he treats his own WIFE, the woman he professes to love. The woman he has made vows to when he married her. He thinks even LESS of you. Heck, he couldn't even bring you home to his mother.

What he has for you is not caring or "love." True love is in your best interest, not harmful. He just wanted some side nookie like most adulterers and he said what he had to say to get your panties off.

Harsh as that sound ML hit the nail right on the head.

(Hey ML how ya doing?) Look here.... My WW, who i love as a sister now, told me all about how you felt about this guy. He was her Ex approximately 15 years ago ( i met her 12 years ago). to cut a long story short, i said to her in immense pain mind you, that since they love each other so much, why dont they tell his current fiancee that he has found his long lost true love and call off their wedding, if he does so then i will give her D papers and they can get married.

His response....to WW: "you know you are my true love and i feel thing with you that no other man will be able to, but i cant just break (current wife now) heart. She has done nothing wrong to deserve this. but she could never take your place in my heart.sic."

Dont ask how i found out. know that those were his words.

He doesnt respect you.

really.


but if you dont believe try it... if you hesitate, then you already know the answer and that is not true love.

MelodyLane,
I know all that you have written is true in most cases and I do admit that we both have done adultry. As I wrote before that I am in no way trying to justify my act or say that it was the right thing to do. It is as wrong as it could be. I know I have sinned by having sex with this Om. The only part I don't believe is that my love ( not sex) is pure and not a sin.
Why a love after getting married cannot be a true love? Its wrong and against the vows however if I call the OM now and tell him that I am ready to get married to him, he would pack his bags and come with me.
His wife knows about it. I do really feel bad about what she had to and might still be going through because of us. We decided at the begining of our relation that if we end our marriages, they have to end at their own merrits and not because of our love. This is a major part of our NC. He was already planning to D her as she lied to him to get married to him. I do not want to post the reason as that is their personal life and I respect the fact. I was not planning of getting a D however was emotionally disconnected with my H and was right at that point where it could have happened anytime. Me and the OM has discussed getting married but I do not want my kids to think that I left them because of Om and hate me for the rest of their lives. If it happens, our marriages will end on their own merrits and if we are lucky enough, we will meet again.