Hi All, looking for your excellent advice...

My husband and I moved from his country in Europe where I have been living about 10 years to the Caribbean two years ago. Since he does not LIKE the Caribbean, why did you opt to move there? We spend a few months per year back in Europe. We were there for three months from July to September. He travels there for work very often and stays for 2 weeks to 1 month. This much separation is NEVER good for a marriage, even a good one. How can you nurture intimacy when you aren't even together? Your top priority is to find a way to be where he is. Yes, yes, the property in the Caribbean. Which is more important, that or saving your marriage?

I discovered the first affair in late September while in Europe but only one day before returning alone (with the three kids) to the Caribbean. I returned two weeks prior to him to the Caribbean. When he got back I realized he was still cheating. He was verbally abusive to me (had been extremely verbally abusive beginning with the first affair), hid e-mails, etc. He confessed that he is in love with another woman but had not yet slept with her. And if you believe this, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you...

OW is a girl that he was training (she was doing an internship with him). Most of his work is on the computer which is why we can live in two different places – so most of his communication with her was e-mail and chat. Crazy stuff about him being her “knight in shining armor”… This is a CLASSIC affair set-up, rescuing the damsel in distress. This happens so often as to be a cliche. So many men NEED to see themselves as heroes, and it really rings their chimes to get all that admiration/adulation. I'm guessing it's his top emotional need. Now that he is at his most UN-admirable, can you think of ways to let him know what you've always admired about him? What it is you miss while he's gone? This is going to be VERY difficult for you, given the situation, but if it's his most important EN, it's important that you try. Without looking like you're trying to "play him." She lives in our city in Europe and his work brings him there often. It is too expensive to bring the entire family back and forth every time he needs to travel – so it is not an option for us to go with him each time. While in the Caribbean he sent a letter of NC by e-mail and stuck to it for 2 weeks, then contacted her. He broke NC because he is ADDICTED to the feel-good chemicals he gets from her adoring him. I know, YUCK. If she actually shared a real life and family responsibilities with him, she would certainly not have him on such a pedestal. They are both living a fantasy. Pure fantasy, but they don't know it. She professed her love to him… kicked out her boyfriend and told him that she and WH are looking for an apartment together. (meanwhile I’m thinking there is NC).

While in Europe this summer, I was with the kids in the countryside for one month while he was ‘working’ in the city and rarely visited us. So we are going on a long time with him very, very little present in our lives. I have read the e-mails that remain from that time and he was declaring his love for her while I was taking care of the kids in the countryside. How very disrespectful, but alas, very common. What have you said to him about that? You cannot trash him, no accusations, anger, recriminations (and, boy, I know how hard that is, but you have time to prepare what you want to say to him.) You are perfectly entitled to state calmly how this makes you feel, ie: "It hurts me so much to know that you have chosen to do bring another woman into our marriage. I married you forever, and it hurts that you don't seem to want that." Or however you would phrase how you're feeling.

When he came back to the Caribbean (2 weeks after dday) he stayed one month and was DYING to get back to Europe. (‘for work, for work, for work’ – ‘she has nothing to do with it’ – but refuses to do NC with her). OF COURSE, she has EVERYTHING to do with it! He will now stay in Europe three months or more – he now absolutely does not want to live in the Caribbean). We just bought a lot of property here… which I am managing and cannot easily leave. The last two properties were just bought in May. He is seeing her but mostly via chat and e-mail. He told me he has only seen her in person twice since back in Europe (two weeks) and that when they saw each other they did not kiss or anything. You can believe that or not, but I sure don't! They are addicted to each other, and he's not pining to get back there just to gaze into her eyes. They are in daily contact by chat and e-mail. She has a 3 year old with her boyfriend of 6 years and he has now moved out because she is in love with WH. "And it hurts me to know that you are giving her 3-year-old the love that belongs to our own children." Well HE sure gave up easy! Guess he's just a player, too.

How do I best do plan A while I am 4000 Miles away? I have exposed to his mother, sister and one very close co-worker (female), all by phone. And how did they react? Like it's no big thing, or were you able to enroll them in saving your marriage? I did not do this suddenly or immediately, but one at a time, over two weeks, more than one month after dday. Ah, but have you told his BOSS??? If he's messing with a subordinate, that might be a corporate no-no, even in free-wheeling Europe.

His best friend has been having an affair the last 5 years and another close friend had (has??) and affair for at least two years and I have heard about the wonderful sex in that one. WH’s father and grandfather had affairs as well. "Birds of a feather flock together..." Not surprising he thinks he's entitled to do this as well. This will be a very hard attitude to dispel, I'm afraid. Is there ANYONE in his family who thinks what he is doing is WRONG??? Father and mother still married and grandfather died alone and lonely (so the story goes). WH seems to think this is entirely natural. Looks like, in his world, it IS. Is this something "natural" in YOUR family? How has your family reacted to the news? This is not a nightmare, I should have expected it, we were fighting so much anyway, etc…

DH does not really speak English and I cannot find books, resources, etc for him. He could not possibly get through this website and refuses to see the same counselor as me because I am doing the counseling in English. Sounds like bull**** to me--if he can carry on an affair in English, he can go to counseling in English! Would YOU be willing to counsel in HIS native language? I assume you speak it, or you wouldn't be married. Big assumption, I realize. Correct me if I'm wrong. Because of where I am, I am doing counseling by video conference so it would be possible to do a three way conference between here, counselor and Europe. WH won't though, because of the language. (although Affair one was with someone with whom whom he spoke only English...) Like I said, this is pure BS. Call him on it.

WH DID go to a psychologist last week in Europe but DID NOT TELL HIM ABOUT THE AFFAIR! He thinks the affair is not the problem and said he would tell the psychologist next week that he is ‘thinking of having an affair’. PURE FOG BABBLE. He's gaslighting you, and doesn't even seem to be honest with HIMSELF. Closing all doors with a "Yes, but..." Typical wayward. Since he is conducting an active affair, the value of any counseling right now would be negligible. Won't work till he goes NC. But hopefully that time will come. I said you are not ‘thinking about it’ you are having one!!! You already slept with the housekeeper! You are in love with another woman!

Today I called him. Talked about where we went wrong. What I think his EN’s are and that I was not meeting them. Told him I know he needs to be admired, respected and given affection and recognize that I had not been doing those things. Very good to see you understand how you contributed to the vulnerability of the marriage. Told him how much work this is going to take, etc. Told him I have EN’s too that need to be met but did not go into detail on what mine are. Wouldn't have done any good right now anyway. Good you didn't mention your ENs. Was totally nice, respectful – no anger, no demands. Told him that we need to learn to communicate without anger, disrespect or demands. Also good you get the LB thing too. Told him we need to leave the kids with grandparents for an entire weekend and him NO Work / no computers and just talk, be intimate, etc. It was SO HARD to be so nice to a person who thinks they are doing NOTHING wrong. It's what all of us BSs must do in the beginning, and for quite a while, if we want to revive the marriage. Hard, very hard. But he responded really well. Said ‘finally you are saying something that makes sense’. This could be placating you to let the status quo remain in force, him being in Europe with lover, you safely out of the way in the Caribbean...OR you might have made a little dent by addressing some things he was actually dissatisfied about. Which it is remains to be seen.

I also said that all this is fine and good but that before any of it can happen he needs to do NC. He did not agree but seems for the first time that he was not mad at me and in my mind it seems like he may be beginning to think about it. I just don’t see how it will happen because he feels pity for this woman, feels he has made a commitment to her, she has left her boyfriend (father of her 3 y/o), she is poor, etc… He says he will feel like an a/hole if he leaves her. Misguided fool doesn't realize he IS an a/hole for leaving YOU! But unfortunately, you can't say that to him.
(no worry about me and our three kids of course… I am strong and he knows perfectly well I can take care of myself and them… He likes his women weak…) THEN WHY DID HE MARRY YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE???

I would like advice on where to go from here. How long do I wait for NC before moving to plan B. You should not go directly to Plan B without your best attempt at Plan A. You need to SHOW him the improvements you've made in your own behavior and attitude BEFORE he can see what living without you in his life will mean for him! You need to spend time in each other's presence to do that. Him being banished to a hotel when he visits is counterproductive! Do I continue to repeat today’s conversation with him since he responded well to it. Better than that would be to let him SEE the changes in the way you talk to him, the way you share how your thoughts and attitudes have changed since you've been re-assessing your role in the marriage, etc. You can do THAT much via phone and email. It's part of your Plan A! I am doing other self improvement things – jogging every day, other sports, taking language lessons, organizing better with babysitter and housekeeper, etc. But he can’t see any of that being so far away. He wants to visit us at Christmas but I told him no unless he does NC. He said I cannot tell him where he can and can’t go This is true--you can't. And he will just see you as controlling if you try. so I said he could come at x-mas if he stays in a hotel (will cost a small fortune and so will plane tickets). As it stands he has a return ticket for early February which he will probably want to use to see the kids. Again, if there is not NC he will have to stay in a hotel. Again, if you're trying to Plan A, why would you not take advantage of all the time you can get when he's home???

Also - if he does agree to NC, how will I know???????? Under your current living arrangements, you can't. TRY to find a way to spend more time in Europe with him! He is so far away.

Right now he is in Europe at his parents house. Is there room for you and the kids at his parents' house? You are really fighting an uphill battle trying to Plan A from 4000 miles away. And waiting till April may be way too late. We have a home there but it is currently rented out through April. So I could go to Europe but not realistically before April.

Our wedding anniversary is on Sunday… I am so sorry you will have this on your mind on your anniversary. Try to do something soothing for yourself Sunday. I have noticed how very many of us BSs get hit with all this right around our anniversaries. Happened to me too. Kinda feels like getting the knife in our heart twisted. Seems so cruel, but our waywards don't even seem to notice. Living in lala land...
Thanks so much for being there.