In August my wife came out and admitted to having an EA / PA with a man from her work. The affair started out as a friendship and over months became physical.

My wife commited to NC, however her and the OM are employed by the same company. Them running into each other does not happen often, but the chance is always there. She has shared with me the times she has seen him, however I cannot be certain that she has told me everytime. I want to believe that she has not spoken with him, however it is hard because she has a work phone that I have no access to. In addition I am unable to see her work email, and when I asked she gets very upset.

It has been nearly 4 months, and she has told me she is still having problems getting over this person as well as the pain she has caused us. She has not been able to begin getting close to me again, because she still hurts for the other man. I can't help but think that her going to this job everyday is making this fog process last longer than it should.

I have asked her to leave this job, but she has not taken any serious action to do so. I have asked her to let me have the pw to the work cell, but have yet to get this.

No one knows of the affair, but our best friends and her sister.

I want so badly for her to get out of this fog, but will she ever if she has to have a daily reminder of this affair simply by driving into her job. Do I threaten to expose the affair to her family and friends if she does not leave the job and give me access to the cell phone? Do I just need to expose, or should I use the potential exposure as a bargaining tool to get her to leave the job and give me access to the cell.

I don't want to make her hate me and drive her back into the arms of the OM.

BTW the OM is not married. My wife and I have two young children.

Thanks for you advice

If exposing to family and friends will get her to quit her job, then by all means expose.

But the problem seems to be at the office. That is where I would expose because their HR might actually do something about it. Depends on the company of course.

Failure to allow access to cell/email is a good indication that she is still in contact with OM. NC means NOOOOOO contact - nothing.

Until she stops all contact, the A will continue.

N2BL,

I am too new at all of this to be of any help, but I am sure a seasoned vet will be along shortly to offer help. Hugs and best wishes.

Beam

By the way, I wouldn't threaten exposure or use the threat to gain leverage. You either do it or don't do it. Don't ever let WW know what you might be planning. If you threaten exposure, she'll get there ahead of you and spin it.

Thank you for the advice. How do I handle the work cell phone. How do I make her allow me to have access to it. I feel as though this is a closed door in our relationship and a big trigger for me.

You tell her that if she wants you to believe her that she must be fully transparent. There is no room for secrecy in a marriage.

You need to establish firm guidelines as to what you will accept and what you will not. If she wants to remain under your roof, she has to follow those rules.

She has already been with OM. Chances are she will again. Don't stress out over driving her into his arms.

What were the problems in the M? What can you do as a Plan A to begin to mitigate those? Have you read the book Surviving an Affair?

I bought a copy of "Not Just Friends" for each of us. It talks about surviving infedelity. It really helped me put the affair in perspective and realize that there were many EA's I know I was not fulfulling. I was hoping she would read the book, but she did not. That really hurts, when I ask her about it, she says she is doing everything she can. Meaning she is NC and I guess trying to deal with the pain she is feeling.

I have changed 180. I know the needs that I had not fulfilled, and have been working hard to make these habits. She is freaked out by my change in behavior and makes it sound as though I am pusing her away. She claims that she is upset because she knows I am doing everything right, but she can't be happy yet.

Makes me very confused. I know I need to get her out of that job so she can begin to heal and start letting her love bank fill.

I'd say the resistance to letting you have access to her phone, e-mail and to leaving the job means it ma be still going on. Sounds like she just does not get it and lacks empathy.

It will take time for WW to trust your changes. That is frustrating but just a part of the process. One thing you need to be right now is consistent.

Withdrawal is difficult for the WW but I doubt she is yet in NC. Too much opportunity to contact OM exists and very few WW's could resist that temptation.

If you survive this, it will take her time to be drawn back to you. This is not a simple or quick fix.

All you can do is try to be the H she wants. You can't make her want it. Ask her to fill out an EN survey or if she refuses, take your best guess at it. Work toward meeting those as best you can within the constraints she imposes.

At this moment she is not your wife so don't expect her to be. She is a WW.

Enforcing NC should be your top priority. Changing jobs would be good. Changing states would be better. You need to decide how far you have to go to achieve it.

OK, So I have asked her about access to the cell phone, as well has to change jobs. She has not given me the cell phone pw and I am not seeing her actively looking for new work.

How should I go about insisting she gives me the cell pw and look for new employment.

If she refuses then what?

You need to stop being a doormat.

Insist on the paswords. Don't take no for an answer.

Expose the affair immediately. As in today.

Without warning you need to expose WW's parents and siblings, OMW, and, human resources at work.

Then you must push for NC and transparency to verify NC. WW must leave that job ASAP.

Your WW will not get over her addiction for the OM. Every time she see's OM she gets a new fix. Just as a drunk when you put a drink in front of him when he is trying to quit.

If she refuses to give you PW's it's a good possibility she is still in contact with him.

Bug her car with a voice activated digital recorder hidden under her seat and being very careful not to get caught. Infidels often touch base during drive time as it's the only time they are truly alone with no one able to catch them.

Once you can prove "no contact" is an illusion, you can more strongly insist on her quitting that job and giving you access versus getting out.

Busting her is also a good impetus for exposing.

This is not that you don't have the right to expose, the right to passwords and the right to demand she quit now, however, because your boundaries weren't initially set properly and have waivered some since August...doing so with full current justification won't likely be met with as much angst.


If you find no evidence...she still has to quit that job and be transparent for you to recover.

Mr. Wondering

N2BL,

I've been there and done that, I personally think that you need to let her go. But that’s just my opinion. It’s almost impossible for adultery to stop without prayer, commitment to their vows, and her admitting to you that she has wronged you. Most adulterers will try and blame their spouse for their adulterous acts. Don’t let her blame you, you didn’t make her fall for another man! If not with him it will be someone else, the OM didn't make her commit adultery, that was her choice. She's a big girl and knew very well what she was doing. That’s the problem with people today is that they are always out there looking for greener grass, because they think they have it so bad at home. Marriage is no-longer a sacred institution as it once was and there is always someone out there trying to destroy marriage and families. In this case it’s your own W that’s destroying your family and she broke the covenant that she made with you and God. She could have told the OM no, she have to guard and protect her own heart, no-one will do it for her.

If you choose to stay, it will be a long tough road. The only way you will make it is to put God in the center of your relationship and the OM has to be completely out of the relationship for this to work. This is something that she has to decide for herself, you can make he commit to you. I’m not being harsh or anything, but I’m being realistic, because I’ve been there and now my XW is married to the OM, which all started with a M man at work.