Ok, so from the get go I realize my wife has boundary issues. Noted, preaching to the choir. This isn't an A but wow, it really could have been.
My wife and I were separated for a month and a half this year; you can read the story if you like, the thread is in my signature. She went to CA while I was in NC with the kiddos. During our separation, she contacted a former BF whom she dated periodically on and off for about 10 years to say hi, see how he's doing, etc (he's in CA as well). I know, I know but she talks to all her former BF's, says she has no problems being friends with them afterwards. I'm not... uncomfortable about it but I'm not thrilled either. She has weak boundaries in this regard but for her it's part of her identity I guess. She's INCREDIBLY open and honest about all of her friends so I'm not worried per say on her end but not all men, previous BF's would act honorably and understand her.
But anyway, since we started dating in 1999, she hasn't talked to this guy. Up until this weekend, they e-mailed once but she did give him her phone number, I guess so they could chat at some point. Friday evening we were at home watching TV at about 10~11ish and her cell rang once and then cut off. She checked the call log and it was this guy, whom I will now refer to as DB (DirtBag). Anyway, we have a convo about DB where I expressed that I wasn't all that comfortable about him having her number. The evening basically ended at an impass because she didn't agree and expressed that I could not dictate to her about who she could and could not talk to. She did agree however to tell me anything that they talked about because I was uncomfortable. Better than nothing I suppose.
Fast forward a few hours to 2am and her cell phone rings again. It's DB at two o'clock in the morning! She's pissed at the call but doesn't answer, silences her cell phone. We wait a minute and listen to the message together. It's fairly innocent, basic chit chat, how are you doing, etc. type message. W silences the phone and we go back to bed although it takes me a bit because there are red flags flying through my brain, no one calls . Next morning there's another message on the cell phone; apparently he called back about 30 minutes later. This message is something else entirely. She listens to it first and then plays it back for me. DB basically says, "I know you're married and unavailable and you were just out in CA but I was wondering if you would come out to San Fran for New Year's eve and spend it with me. I'll call you later!"
We're both like, "WTF?!?" I sort of thought something like this MIGHT happen but wow, they talked once in the last 10 years and now he's openly proposing to fly her out to CA for a PA. Oh, BTW the guy apparently works as a teacher at a Christian School. Nice.
Anyway, he doesn't call back during the weekend but she does get this e-mail from him this morning and from my point of view, it's scary. REALLY SCARY.
Dear C,
I had thought about calling you around 8:30 P. M. or so my time Friday evening; I didn't think that I had your number written down, so went through some of my dialed calls log and called a few numbers that weren't yours. I know that I called yours more than once (at first, I didn't think that the "Please wait a minute" message was you). I do apologize for calling repeatedly and then again so late. That's right--you're three hours ahead of me and not just two. I think that my late call was after 11:00 Pacific Time. No, it's not too uncomfortable or weird talking with you again after all of this time. My offer probably weirded you out a bit, but I stand by it and meant/mean it. I know that I'm probably out of line (as I often am), so please excuse my bad manners/timing/whatever.
Hey, just so you know, you were my last girlfriend. I'm pretty much a homebody--and am comfortable being so. No date since '98--have had a couple of co-workers offer to set me up, but let them know that I'm good as is. Being a teacher lets me have lots of kids (kind of a second family in a way, which is way cool). I tried in the early 2000's to track you down in *******, but couldn't find you still there after phone calls and checking directories. Hey, now who's scaring who away, right?
We teachers are off most of this week. We go to conferences in ************ tomorrow and Tuesday, and then I go up to ********* to see my sis and folks from Wednesday through Saturday. I'll either write again or maybe call (not yesterday like I said) if I'm not too much of a wuss to let you let me have it for being a drunk pest.
Oh, hey, the one other teacher here that's been my mentor and is pretty strict like me had his last day Friday. He and I are usually two of the earliest ones in to work. My support network will be gone once I come back to work next week, since he and I would talk often when we were here. He's going to the ********* County Fire Department to be a 911 dispatcher. I might be teaching a few history classes now, too that he used to teach.
I hope that you and your family have much to be thankful for and have a blessed Thanksgiving!
DirtBag
There's so many twisted things about this e-mail but some of the things that strike me as off are:
1. He obviously has no regrets about his INSANE offer.
2. He took NO time to feel the waters and see if she was interested in such a proposal.
3. He's been trying to find her for years and probably only couldn't because she got married and changed her last name.
4. He openly admits that he hasn't dated since they broke up in 98.... Obsess much?
5. He had the balls to wish our family a "blessed" Thanksgiving after he proposes to destroy our marriage by having sex with my wife.
My immediate concern is that we may have a potential stalker on our hands. Does he go to bed every night curled up in a blanket made from my wife's old socks, lovingly stitched together with her discarded hair? She says she isn't worried about him and planned on e-mailing him to stop calling and maybe stop writing. I talked her into sending the e-mail with an explanation to one of her other ex-BF's who is now happily married and works as a police officer. He's the father of our 14yo and currently has unofficial custody (14yo asked to go live with him). I'm hoping he can encourage her that this guy is possibly dangerous and she needs to go NC in a unequivical hardcore manner. My thoughts are that this guy is obviously deranged and any form of contact is going to feed his obsession/addition to my wife.
Anyway, so there it is. Does anyone else see stalker/crazy potential in DB? If you want to comment on the bad boundaries, that's fine but know that I agree completely and ya'll are preaching to the choir over the carcass of the dead horse. I could really use some advice/comments on how we're to deal with DB now that he has her contact info, e-mail address, etc. Thanks in advance!
T
P.S. W and I are doing well, getting along, eliminating LB's, etc. We're working out well it seems thus far.
