My WW and I are beginning the road to recovery, but I haven't yet told her that my parents know about everything she has done. We will be going to my parents' house for Thanksgiving and I am unsure how to break it to my WW that they know, and even more unsure of how to prepare her for my parents. My parents have been supportive so far, but are very concerned and are really worried that I am going to get hurt again. They have already told me that they won't be able to get through thanksgiving if this situation is just ignored. My WW is the type that bottles her feelings up and forces you to drag them out of her. My mother on the other hand, is expecting that my WW apologize to her for hurting me and do the majority of the talking when they discuss the whole situation. It is very hard for my WW to open up to me, much less my mother, so i am expecting a stare-off.

Any advice on how to handle this?

What do YOU want?

I don't care what your mother and wife want.

There has always been a bit of a rift between my WW and mother. My WW views my mother as overprotective and has always thought that she hasn't liked her. And i guess my WW isn't the type of girl my mother would have picked for me (mother really conservative, WW not so much).

I want them to discuss this so that they can begin to build a better relationship and not have to tip-toe around this subject forever. But, given my WW's history of unwillingness to talk when confronted and my mothers expectation for an apology, I am afraid that putting the two of them in the same room right now would only further tarnish their relationship.

My WW and I have discussed her needing to improve her communication, but I don't think I can expect her to muster an apology to my mother in 3 days. I took me a while just to get her to apologize to me. On the other hand, my WW need to own up to her problems and deal with the pain she has caused.

Your top loyalty and priority is your wife.

Since you are early in recovery I would recommend that you skip Thanksgiving with your parents this year.

Make your own plans. Do something different this year.

I doubt your wife is ready to deal with this yet. And since she has not been preparing for it, and is about to be blindsided with it, I suggest that your plan is to tell her that they know -- but give her the option of doing something different this year.

I have thought of just skipping thanksgiving, but our whole relationship, she has tried to avoid this kind of conflict, it is partially what got us here. Plus, I have been an enabler, allowing her to get her own way when faced with an uncomfortable situation. While this will be extremely uncomfortable for her, it is something she needs.

You tell them both what YOU want.

If they both care about you, they will do it.

If they really only care about themselves, they won't.

I agree with Lexxy. Especially given that your WW already had issues with your mother - there is no way this doesn't turn into an ugly scene that could cause you trouble for years. Mom will understand.

A holiday just isn't the time to push a conflict avoidance lesson on her.

Nor is it respectful to your family to force a confrontation that you already know will likely not go well.

Is there a time BEFORE Thanksgiving that you can get them together for a talk? Otherwise let it go for now, skip Thanksgiving and try to set up a time for this talk specifically.

Why does your wife owe an apology to your mother?

my mother's view is that if WW can't look her in the eye and admit she was wrong, then she isn't worth keeping as a wife. I agree that this needs to happen, but given WW's difficulty opening up, I just don't see it happening this soon.

But, skipping thanksgiving will also sour the relationship because my mother will view my WW as a shallow person who only cares about herself and isn't a big enough person to face the music. (she told me this earlier this morning)

if your wife is a new Former WW (FWW) and you are just on the road to recovery then frankly its unrealistic to expect an apology to your parents right now. She will just be beginning to understand the harm she has done to you and her.
Its not that she shouldn't its just probably not wise to expect this right now..

Though I understand your mum being concerned for you its YOUR m and YOUR wife ... hopefully a FWW by the way .... and what your mum thinks should happen is really not the point.

I hope you are going to M counsellor? Following the MB path? If so its important to talk this over. No ambush or arm twisting .. that could result in putting back recovery big time.

Discuss this with your wife. Express YOUR feelings ... be honest but not brutal about what you feel. who knows your FWW may surprise you and want to say sorry but not know how .... maybe if its the case you could get them together BEFORE thanksgiving .. wayyyy less stress then. ..... or there's the phone...

If its simply not the time for this then you need to get your mum on board with MB and the M counsellor... explain its a proven well thought out recovery strategy that has the best chance to give you the happy M you want. And you need her support to follow the process. no hijacking.

your M and your wife ... your mum I feel needs to accept YOU are doing the running on this one. ..(poor mum is probably hurting for you so give her a cuddle)

all the best

AW

no time before thanksgiving, we live in another city and will be with WW's family Wed night and early on Thursday. I could get them on the phone, but my mother doesn't want to do that, she thinks WW needs to deal with this face-to-face. My mother did say that she could go through thanksgiving day and put on a good show when the rest of the family is around if there would be time for them to talk on friday, but i don't know if I want to go through thanksgiving with a HUGE elephant in the room.

WW doesn't owe my mother an apology, but my mother says she needs to see some remorse from my WW for my sake, whatever that means. I have tried to explain to her that wayward spouses often never apologize, or that their apologies are often weak or unsatisfying, but she doesn't want to hear any of it. She has always thought WW is a selfish person, and to her this is just another selfish thing, either not apologizing to her, or not coming to thanksgiving all together. So, lose-lose for me.

Your wife is not responsible for your mom's feelings. Your mom is responsible for your mom's feelings. Your wife is responsible for herself and for mending the marriage.

Sure, I get your wife hurt you. But, your wife isn't part of your mom's nuclear family, is she? Are you still part of your mom's nuclear family? Did you ask your mom to give you her opinion on your wife?

What's more important to you, possible letting your mom make your wife go through the ringer or being in recovery with your wife?

If your wife has always been emotionally withdrawn, what makes you think she's going to change in 3 days? My husband was also emotionally withdrawn from me-for our entire relationship (over a decade). It took him 9 months of therapy before he was comfortable opening up.

ETA: Yes, it IS a lose-lose situation when your parents force you to choose between your "now" family (your wife) or them. But, make a decision and stick with it, and it will be very freeing for you. It will no longer be lose-lose.

Who cares about your mother's view?

You are married to your wife not your mother. The more you type the more you come across as a man who let's his mother dictate his life.

I've tried to explain this, but she doesn't seem to understand. She says that "this is not the time for all of us to make WW feel that we all care for her, it is the time for her to start showing remorse to everyone she has hurt."




We aren't going to a counselor yet. I have tried to discuss it, but WW has flat out said no every time, but I'm still working on it. I am planning on telling her that my parents know tonight, then i guess we'll go from there.




I've tried to explain this to her, but she won't listen. If there a specific article on this site that illustrates why a wayward spouse is unable to apologize for a while. Right now my mother just views is as selfishness on the part of my WW.


Thanks for all the help everyone

Have you talked to your wife about this yet????

You need to consult her and her alone.

yes, I am married to my wife, and my loyalty is with her, but I am close with my family and do not want to lose them or make them feel alienated. I won't do anything to please them at the expense of my relationship with my wife, but I would like to find a solution that can help them understand where i am right now.

Start here; Radical Honest LINK

Then read this;POJA LINK

she doesn't know that my parents know yet, so far she hasn't asked, but i get the feeling that she is assuming that I have told them. I am going to tell her that they know tonight, and then we can discuss when she wants to do. The problem with that is that she has always tried to avoid conflict, so letting her off the hook with this is just another conflict she successfully avoided. In order for us to recover, she needs to stop doing this. I guess I am struggling with when is the right time to get tougher on her and not allow her to avoid her problems.