As with many posters here, my story has many different elements to it.
I met my WS 7 years ago when I was married. And I started an A with her. My ex found out and I left – I couldn’t face the shame and hurt I had caused. I still pay $$$$ maintenance for my 2 kids whom I love dearly and they come and stay with us regularly and get on very well with my WS. I moved in with her then and our relationship was fantastic. We were never parted, talked incessantly and were like this right through our engagement of 2 ½ years ago, we just adored planning the wedding 1 ½ years ago and had an amazing time at the wedding. We had a fabulous romantic holiday in May of this year. The intensity never faltered until July this year (6 years after we got together) – sure we’d had various arguments about my maintenance but we always seemed to resolve them. Oh yes, she’s a lot younger than I am.
In very late June of this year something changed. She became aggressive, nasty, unpleasant, drunk frequently was coming home ever later and started staying over at her “girlfriends” and the conversation stopped. After 3 weeks we “had a chat” and she said she didn’t know if she wanted to live with me anymore as she didn’t like the thought of when we had kids it wouldn’t be the 1st time for me and my “baggage” would always be there. I didn’t quite believe this and asked if there was someone else – she said no. Her behaviour deteriorated further, the sex stopped completely and she was just downright unpleasant – again I asked if there was someone else and she said no. She started hiding her phone or kept it on silent, she started hiding her cell phone bills too – alarm bells ringing massively now – that’s what I had done to my ex.
We had a terrible holiday in the summer and it felt like I was with a stranger – not the person I’d married a year earlier. Just before the holiday I asked her to see a counsellor because I couldn’t help her and didn’t really understand what the issue was and once we came back from the holiday I asked her to stay at her parents as she was not a pleasant person to live with.

She moved out then moved back because she couldn’t sleep. This carried on for a few weeks until she came round and confessed she had been having an A with her boss – she had fallen for him like a lovesick schoolgirl and they’d been away plenty of times. The OM’s partner found out when the A started(because the WS had written him a letter which was discovered) and left him straight away – but she works in the same office and publicly humiliated both of them repeatedly from that time onwards (which I knew nothing about). My WS still works there and won’t resign because its the first job she's ever really enjoyed (I asked) but I do know her boss is being moved at the end of this year (which I know is not a good enough excuse to accept the current situation). She tells me it’s over and has been pretty candid on the details (I asked lots and lots of questions), though she vehemently denied they had sex but hasn’t denied they did other stuff.

My WS came round to stay not long after she told me and we ended up having a massive argument and I phoned her parents and told them the truth – needless to say she left to go back and stay there. We still speak, but it’s becoming less and less frequent. I don’t think she’s told her friends all the details, I think she’s just said we’re having a few problems – but nothing specific. My family who live long distance don’t know about any of this.

Unfortunately, I’m not the most patient person in the world and have threatened divorce, told her to take her things out the house, to stop paying the bills and I even put our wedding album and a photograph of us in her car when she was leaving to get the message home etc – but in truth I want her to come home so we can start trying to rebuild things. She returned the wedding album to it’s rightful place in a cabinet along with the photo. She won’t take her rings off and I don’t know if this is because she’s using them as an anchor to hold onto some part of reality (because so many aspects of her life have changed) or if it means anything more than that. Every time I ask her anything like will she come home, will she give it a try etc. I am met with “I don’t know” and its breaking my heart.
She’s still going to counselling and will talk to me about it if I ask and my biggest concern is that we hardly see each other (I last saw her for a proper conversation 2 weeks ago) and as a result we talk less and less and we’re both getting into new routines. My fear is that we’ll both get stuck in them and not be able to try rebuilding. Help, I don’t really know what to do any more.
It might be argued this is my payback and that being the case – I deserve it, but I do know I want this to work – I just think I’m approaching this all the wrong way. Any advice would be really appreciated.

MXR,
Not trying to rub this in your face, but do you understand the biblical difference of building a house on a rock solid foudation, vs a house built on shifting sands?

You enetered your second M on a fantasy that had no basis in reality. You carried the same fantasy into your 2nd M that exited in the first, when you thought you were entitled to cheat on your first W.

Your second wife is still full of the same sh** that brought your and her together in the first place. She persued you as a married man. Shame on her and on you!!!!

You now reap what you have sown. A M built on lies and deception which will continue, because neither of you really understand, that because of your unwillingness to be honest, you have created a monster. Well, Frankenstein, meet your monster.

I do feel for your pain, but it was self inflicted. Your first M was where the effort needed to be made. Not your fantasy of your second M. That's all it ever was, a fantasy based on lies and deception.

Welcolm to reconing day. It happens all the time.

any chance of going back to your first wife?

Your choice of love vs fantasy, not mine.

All Blessings,
Jerry

MRX,

You had better get your hard hat on, because you will most likely get a lot of :crosseyedcrazy: :twobyfour: here.

We have a saying here, "What they do with you, they will do to you."

You are reaping what you have sown, and it sucks to be you. I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, it just is.

Have you been reading on this site? If you have, then you have seen the pain and angst a lot of betrayed spouses are going through on this board.

Are you noticing your Affair Wife has a penchant for married men?

I don't have any advice for you, except to read on this site and understand what it takes to have a good marriage. Perhaps you can understand what it takes, change and have better relationships in the future.

I am sorry, but I don't have a lot of faith that you and your WW will succeed in recovery.

There are not a whole lot of people here that are going to support you in salvaging an affair-based marriage.

Very, very sad, but not surprising what has happened to you.

If you want to learn, and can take what advice you will get here, go for it then. I just don't think the advice you get will be what you want to hear.

Best of luck, you will need it!

Miss M

Thanks for your reply, like I said - I may well deserve it.

In recognising all of the things I personally did wrong in my 1st M, I'm trying to be a better person. That probably sounds hollow and perhaps meaningless, but having learned a lot about myself as a result of divorcing I believe people can change for the better over time - if they cant then there's no hope for anyone after they mess up. Since my first M I have changed a lot of the things about myself that contributed to me doing what I did in the first place. But you're probably right in all of your observations.

In answer to your last question, no, that was never going to happen.

MXR, if you marry someone who has demonstrated they have no respect for marriage, this is the result. This is what you signed on for. A marriage whose foundation is thoughtlessness and deceit is not likely to fare too well. However, you knew this when you left your marriage for an affair.

So while you may have changed for the better, it is clear that your adultery partner did not and still has the same utter disrespect for marriage that she has always had.

I am sorry this is the life path you chose but at least, you knew what you were getting when you made this choice.

Count yourself lucky that you have no children with this woman!

MXR:

You expected this and you got it-- the thread should have been titled "KNOW I HAVE DONE everything wrong".

Look, I am going to try not to beat you over the head (although frankly you do deserve that) but tell you practically and strait-up what is going on and what you need to do.

You are in an AFFAIR-AGE (Dr. Harley's term). There is a thread here ---link, someone???---by Dr. H himself that talks about them. There are numerous other sources of info (Dr. Pittman -- "Private Lies" comes to mind) as well. Let's be clear on what this means and what the implications are for your current situation:

You cheated on your wife to be with this woman
This woman knew she was sleeping with a married man (was she M too?)
You ultimately abandoned your W and child(ren) to M your affair-wife (AW)
Your R together is built on deception, fantasy, lies, untrustworthiness, disregard for others, and betrayal
The temporary "good feelings" carried you through the first few yrs...obscuring the obvious red flags
Reality has now set in--you mentioned a vast age difference, I'm sure there are many other incompatibilities between you
Your AW is someone you should never have trusted before, now you are seeing why in full flower
You complain that she is acting like a "lovesick schoolgirl"--hmmm, isn't that what you did to your original wife?

Dude, tough love here--you screwed up BIG TIME. Affair-marriages (AM) almost never last. They fail at a rate of over 90% within 10 years. Here is a good summary by Dr. Pittman:

"Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.

Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape."


I am the biggest pro-marriage/anti-divorce advocate out there. But this is one of the rare exceptions. A few special situations exist in which a marriage SHOULD end:
1) virtually all AMs
2) when someone cheats withing the first 2 years
3) when someone cheats repetitively (philandering)
4) when violent physical abuse is the norm

I would strongly advise you to not waste much effort trying to "save" this hopeless situation. It will eventually fail even if you temporarily get past this crisis. Get a divorce and move on. By moving on I mean:
1) Go back to your original (TRUE) wife if possible and heal the MB way.
2) If that isn't possible (and I doubt she would take you back after hurting her so badly and for so long), take at least a year to be single and undergo some personal growth. Read. Counsel. Learn.
3) Then find someone that you can build a NEW life with that doesn't require the destruction of existing lives to do it. Don't jump right in immediately or affair away again...or you will be looking at divorce #3 some day.

They cheat with you they will cheat on you.

You claim to of learned your lesson about affairs. I'll trust you on that one. Trust me on that most cheaters don't. Your OW appears to of not learned or change for the better. Your affairraige was wrong and best ended.

Move on your with your life and find someone that does not believe in affairs.

*edit**

Wow.

Hard words from everyone - and yet wise words much as I probably didnt want to hear them. Armed with what I'd been advised I met briefly with her today and she confirmed after repeated asking she was still seeing the OM.

Divorce is being applied for immediately and suddenly a weight is off my shoulders.

Before everyone writes "I told you so" - I know now - everyone's perfect with hindsight. What I didnt know before was that such a website existed - thank you for educating me.

Have you informed the OMW of the A? She should be informed, whether or not you decide to end your M to your WW.

Congratulations on the personal changes that you’ve made in your life, but you can't change someone else. And honestly, what did you expect from two adulterers?

I’m not going to say what comes around goes around, but what were you thinking marring a W that help you destroy you marriage vows. What does “until death do us part” mean to you?

In respect to the question about the OMW - she knows - in fact she's emigrated - but she made sure she humiliated both of them publicly before she left.

I think I said I've got what I deserve - in all honesty, many of the points (and they're really good points) raised by many of the parties posting never ever occurred to me - why would they have? I didn't think I was a particularly stupid person - you have to believe me - I realise I am and I know it now and I can't defend my actions.

MB's should be something that all people get their eyes opened to before marriage - not when things go wrong.

MXR,

I am glad to hear that you are (much belatedly) taking responsibility for your own actions and poor prior decisions...you are to be commended for that.

I agree that MB is "something that all people should get their eyes opened to before marriage - not when things go wrong" but I have a few comments I hope you never forget:

1) I guarantee that "all people" (yourself included) already have their "eyes open before" to the fact that, once you agree to marry, PARTICIPATING IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER PERSON IS ALWAYS AND FOREVER WRONG!!! What part of "forsaking all others till death do us part" is ambiguous, pray tell??? If you want that option open to you or can't stick to that vow irrevocably, then DON'T GET MARRIED.

2) No matter what the state of the relationship was prior, ADULTERY IS WHAT MAKES THE MARRIAGE "GO WRONG". Simply do NOT cheat, do NOT marry someone you cheated with, or someone who would/did cheat WITH you.


Food for thought for you in the future...pretty simple stuff, huh?

I hope you study here and get some of the books offered so you can have a better relationship with someone in the future.

Please post and let us know what is going on with you. Just be prepared for some of the very hurt and angry BS's that will vent on you. :twobyfour:

Hope you are sincere.

You CAN learn, and change, and protect your next relationship from infidelity.

That is what this site is all about.

Best wishes,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

MXR,

I too hope you are sincere, do learn and change, do develop a new healthy R in the future, and do keep us posted on your progress...you will need encouragement and advice to "do the right thing" here, because doing the "right thing" often doesn't feel very good, esp. at the outset.

One of the easiest and simplest ways to "protect your next relationship from infidelity" is to not enter into it VIA infidelity.

You have learned that your affair-wife (AW) is not worthy of your trust--in retrospect that should have been obvious. How any man could assume that a woman willing to homewreck and commit adultery with a married man is deserving of trust, respect, and honor is UTTERLY BEYOND ME.

Likewise, you can bet (whether or not you were "faithful" in your 2nd M) that your AW never fully trusted, respected, or honored you. Even if it was sub-concious, your AW undoubtedly harbored doubts about your value as a TRUE HUSBAND. How could she not? She is married to a man whom she knew cheated on his wife and betrayed his children to be with her.

This is the nature of affair-marriages. The partners, whether spoken or unspoken, whether concious or sub-concious, ALWAYS share/hold deceit, dishonor, and distrust with and towards each other. It is a recipe for eventual disaster when the "in love" feelings inevitably wane and reality sets in. It is virtually impossible to avoid "wondering" and feeling resentfully entitled to engage in the kind of deceptions and behaviors that you suspect in your spouse...the same things that brought the 2 people together initially. It is sadly ironic that (described in your initial post) you began to suspect your AW's infidelity by recognizing immediately some concealment activities (hiding her cell phone, etc.) in her that you yourself had utilized to hide your affair WITH her and ON your original wife several years before. That is truly "reaping what you have sown". So tragically avoidable....

You 2 should have NEVER been with each other in the first place and you do NOT belong together now. You are better off apart and rebuilding your life the right way and I wish you all the best in doing that...

I agree with the foundation of the marriage leading to this.
That said, you do have hope if you realize this stuff about cheating now. People can and do change and they do learn from their mistakes.