About a month ago my wife left to stay with her friend out of the blue because she needed to sort out her feelings and decide if this was what she wanted. Neither of us has ever really been alone (we married at 22 and have been in relationships our whole lives). She wanted to be independent and experience life on her own. Well...a month has passed and she has now realized what she had in me. I have been a tremendous husband and have put up with a lot of things I shouldn't have. I, on the other hand, have begun to realize what I didn't have (mainly a girl who is actually attracted to me). Now she has essentially come crawling back telling me that she can't live without me. Part of me wants to let her in and never let go, but the rest of me has enjoyed the freedom to see/date/flirt with all the beautiful girls who clearly want to be with me (not to be cocky, but I have gotten A LOT of attention over the past month). I don't want to call it quits with my wife, but we are completely different people with absolutely nothing in common and I'm starting to wonder if I was ever really happy or if I was just telling myself that I was.

She doesn't want to stay separated. With her, it's either married or divorced. I want to stay split up and see if this has just been a phase for me that will fade away. Anyway, I'm very confused and am looking for some advice on the whole separation thing. I'm sort of scared b/c I have seen her talking to guys at the bar and I honestly did not care at all. I wasn't the least bit jealous. I don't know what that means. Has anyone out there been separated and had anything good come of it?

Thanks,
BPL

Separation is bad for marriage. As you can see, it opened the door for you to commit adultery, which has caused enormous damage to your marriage.

Why are you, a married man, dating other women? Do you believe that separation is an entitlement to adultery?

p.s. I would have this thread moved over to General Questions 11 - you are not divorced and are on the wrong forum. Just click "notify" at the bottom of the post and ask the mod to move it.

You should not date until divorced. Dating during separation only will cause a host of prolems.

Did you get any action? Does your WW know?

Did your WW date? Did she get lucky?

She said she was talking to someone, but that she isn't anymore. I believe her when she says that she hasn't done anything physical with anyone. I haven't either. I have just been outgoing at the bars and have gone on 2 dates.

When she leaves me and is completely heartless about it, I do feel that I have the right to date, especially when that is exactly what she told me to do. I haven't done anything physical with anyone, just went to dinner with my friends and another girl twice. I haven't committed adultery at all, but I have used this as an opportunity to see what might be out there, which was the exact reason my wife left me.

I think I moved this, but I'm not sure if asking the Modifiers to move it means it is moved?

Thanks,
BPL

There are a lot of people who feel that way, especially if they are separated. It won't help you, though, because if you should decide to get a divorce, (or if she decides to get a divorce,) your conduct will end up hurting your case.

Charlotte

BPL,

Ok I will fess up. I love this story. She leaves to "find" herself (man have we heard that story line alot around here) and her H finds out he can live nicely without her. Just makes my heart sing to see this.

However...YOU have a decision to make. Marriage is not a "trial" thing. You are married, and you should NOT be dating while married. Decide if you want a divorce or not. If you do not or are uncertain, then you my friend need to stop the dating right now. You will never regain any love for your W running around on her. You will never regain or make a good marriage doing what you are doing.

If you do decide to divorce, you still don't date. You wait. You don't divorce "because there is better out there". Your vows were made to avoid this for a reason. THERE ARE ALWAYS PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT MAY BE BETTER AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. Marriage means you quit shopping, you quit comparing, and that you have made YOUR CHOICE.

I would strongly urge you to stop all of this and really think what it is you want out of a marriage. What it is that your emotional needs are. I would also ask you to encourgage your W to do the same thing.

Then get together and discuss what a great marriage would mean to each of you. See if she is willing to do the work to make such a marriage, see if you are willing to do the work to make such a marriage.

I would stronly urge you to read about love busters, Harley's four rules for a good marriage, and the policies of joint agreement, POJA, and of radical honesty. If you use these tools, you just might find that your W can be the W you need and you can be the H she needs.

She may have come crawling back, but what has changed in her perspective? You need to know that. You cannot learn these things while out on a date with another woman.

I know the temptation to rub her face in this is great, but avoid it. If you really don't want her, then divorce, but I don't think either of you have "earned" your divorce.

Do some research, do some thinking, and for sure do some serious LISTENING and talking.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Forgot to mention go see a good pro-marriage counselor.