Is there anyone out there willing to be an intermediary (IM)? I am about to move to Plan B and I really don't have anyone to ask.

Bump

What does "Bump" mean? I've seen it before, but not sure what it means!
BF439

It puts your thread out there again. Lists it in the 'Latest posts to the left.

It might make a difference as to where in the country you are. I'm not sure what you will need from your intermediary, but sometimes it may be better to have someone in your city.

MS

Or if not in your city, at least your time zone.

I think I could actually ask my sitter/neighbor. She is supportive, but has to interact with both of us and seems to be able to handle that. I'd like some tips tho of how to explain this to her.
I don't want her feeling like she has to be in our business, just forward all appropriate emails and I guess delete the crap I don't need, as well as being a contact in an emergency. Let me know your thoughts because I need to have this clear for all contingencies or he'll be wearing me down from the get go.
I also don't want to be in a lot of contact with him at all, but I know we'll have some (through the IM) because of the kids and finances.
How dark can I go with our mutual responsibilities? What if he just files for D and tries to take the kids and house since I'm not "cooperating?!"
Nervous in Midwest...
BF439

Where are you located bf439?

I'm almost always online, except when I'm in class. Of course I have class online, too. LOL!

I can be an excellent filter for ya'. Just the facts, Ma'am. I'm not all emotional about WS crap. Not even my own WS, Gray.

Charlotte

Thanks so much! I am in the US -- midwest. My neighbor agreed to be the intermediary, but I'll keep your kind offer in mind. I'm not sure how this is going to go!
BF439

Be very careful of having a mutual friend or relative serve as your intermediary. I've seen that go very badly for a couple of posters on here recently - Trying2Live and Tully.

Your mediator should understand their role very clearly. They are NOT to pass on anything but unemotional communication regarding children and finances.

You should NOT hear "WH is angry that you've done this" or "WH can't see the kids because he's going to be out of town" or "WH says you got robbed by the plumber and the next time there are repairs to be made please let him arrange them."

What you SHOULD hear is "WH wants to pick the kids up from school Friday and drop them off Sunday at 5 p.m." or "WH can't pick up the children as previously agreed." or "WH has paid the plumber."

That's it.

Pepperband might be able to give some good pointers on how to be an effective filter.

I talked with her last night about it -- maybe I should refer her to this site and this thread so she can see what is suggested? I could also just forward to her some of the tips. I think I explained it well, but your examples were much clearer.
BF439

I understand the filtering pretty well. What I *don't* understand is how the intermediary deals with all the questions and demands a WS puts on them. Like, what does the intermediary say when the wayward starts asking questions about the BS? I think they pretty much ignore everything except to refer them to the Plan B letter, but I'm not 100% certain on that.

One thing I've noticed from Tully's thread is how important it is that the Plan B letter show a clear path home. Tully's seemed great - lots of us read it, made comments, she edited it - everyone was quite pleased with it.

Now her WH is saying "I swear the A is over, please come home". How can Tully tell if the A is well and truly over? How can she tell her WH is remorseful and ready to put in all the effort to heal the marriage and make the changes needed to become a good H?

So when you write your Plan B letter, you might include something about NC for life, and complete honesty and transparency. Then when your WH says "It's over, I want to come home (or please come back home)" you can ask, through the intermediary:
How do you intend to prove NC?
How do you plan on proving to me that you are 100% honest?
How do you intend to become transparent to me?

Those were some great suggestions that were made to Tully in her thread. Until he can answer those questions himself, he's not really thought about his actions and how to modify his behavior so that recovery can begin.

Hi BF,

You're welcome! Keep me posted. We can exchange email through the moderators if needed.

Charlotte