I left my husband four years ago when my boy was only 8 months old. At the time he was drinking and I had too much going on, it was a hard time. There were times I thought we'd reconcile but this has been a long, long limbo.

He was in another state, happy with his job and town for the last few years. He came to see our son once or twice a month and I let him have the boy overnight at hotels in the end. They've gotten along quite well. Also my boy has called his dad daily. I feel that it's been good for the boy as this could have gotten dirtier.

Anyways a few weeks ago I got an email that said estranged husband is moving to town. I told him the boy and I have routines that he can't just come and go with the boy this much time later, one day while here interviewing he just "expected" to have the boy that day without giving me notice. The boy's in preschool just a few days a week, and is home with me the rest of the time, I work from my home.

I cried when I read the email, as it was written like this "there's nothing else going on so it looks like I'll have to take that job..." Meaning he really wanted a job with better pay etc but nothing else came through so... Gosh that hurt too, I told him gee I hope the boy doesn't learn this, that his dad only moved here because nothing else was going on.

Anyways as of TODAY he's here. I've had headaches the past few weeks. Was hoping in way he'd back out. Hired an attorney last week then backed out of that too. I have issues making decisions it's obvious. I believe, and does anyone know, that he can get precidence here? I mean see the boy so much of the time, then go to court and they usually agree with what has happened in the past? So I could say he ONLY has every other weekend and likely get the court to agree NOW, but what if I let him see him more?

I wish I could find a counselor to help us with the child issue of what's best for the boy. I asked the attorney, and he of course didn't have ideas, those people like fights don't they? Talking with other's that I've met it seems that even fighting doesn't help, results are the same and kids get hurt.

I don't know how to set boundaries with this man. He was polite today on the phone, asked me what he should and shouldn't say to the boy. And said it was up to me if he could take him to dinner. Then the boy said he wanted to see his dad, and go to "his house." He doesn't really understand this. I need boundaries for the boy too, like these days are daddies days.

I don't know what to do. I likely should have finished the divorce long ago. Running hasn't got me anywhere. Limbo too long. Guess I was waiting for Godly intervention or something. I didn't think he'd REALLY move here. I dont' know that he meant to either, he "used" his boy and maybe me too, to get this job as he had ties to this town. The job market is bad I'm sure.

On and on and on... any ideas on what to tell him NOW, I told him he could call me back later tonight that I'm working right now. I just don't want him to jump in first day in town, we have a routine. My boy will be excited.... it's a hard mess. I'm worried about my sensitive boy being in the middle of what could become a mess that would hurt him.

Thanks in advance for any ideas

I've had a similar story to yours.....abusive husband, kids, restraining order, he was erratic and gone for years at a time. Recently he moved to our town, jobless, desperate, lonesome for his kids as he has now friends. However, it is working out surprisingly well and I think the kids have actually benefitted.

The first thing you need to do is get the divorce final so you have guidelines, and secondly you have to be very firm with him. We've had some fireworks, but I've been very firm with him that he NEVER comes to my home when I am not there, he does NOT pick the kids up from school without asking ahead of time, and he checks with me ahead of time about holidays, etc. We had a visitation schedule when the kids were younger, but now that all 3 are teens it's more flexible. Surprisingly, even though he was extremely verbally abusive when we were married, he now treats me with respect. I even had the chance to teach the kids compassion when he first moved to town and didn't have a paycheck. He actually called and told me he had no food! So we went to the store and I bought him enough staples to feed him for a week till he got food stamps, then also gave him the address of the food pantry and a number for a local minister who provided him with some living expenses. The kids were shocked that I would do all that for someone I don't particularily like, but it taught them that sometimes you just help people cuz they need it, not because they deserve it.

The most important thing is to be firm with your ex, don't fight in front of your son, hold your temper, be kind and fair to the ex but don't be a doormat. Having a good mentor or friend is really important because you'll be very discouraged some days. Hang in there, you need to be strong for your son. As to your current routines, they will have to change, but it can be positive. Don't look at his dad as a disruption, but an opportunity. While dad is parenting your son, you have free time to shop, work, clean, go out for coffee, etc. Instead of being tense and uptight, use that time to relax and become a better you. Just plan a new schedule that dad is now part of and your son will handle the changes better than you think.

horsey,

I am going to offer you a different perspective on your post. You said


Do you see the contradictions in your posts? They are there big as day.

I see a woman that doesn't want her H to see his own son expect when she can CONTROL things.

I see a woman that has failed to take any action on anything, then panic when her H takes some actions and returns to where she and HIS son live.

I see a woman that is so worried about losing control that she does not take into account what is best for her son, to have a mother AND a father in his life.

You stated your son calls your H daily. You stated he wanted to see his dad and his new place.

Let him. You are not going to lose your baby boy. You just might gain a well adjusted young man that knows both how to properly treat women AND how to be a man, something YOU cannot teach him.

I think it is time for you to really examine your perspective on things and start putting your son's wellfare ahead of your own control issues.

Sound HARSH??? YOu bet it is. Women complain about deadbeat dad's all of the time, they complain that dad's don't spend enough time with their kids, YOU even complained about your H's priorities with respect to coming back, and yet when he does, you say "I wonder if I can get the courts to give H every other weekend". What is happening is good for your son and therefore it is good for you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

JL is right. Your son needs his father, no matter what kind of person he is. You have an opportunity to do best by everyone, if you stop making assumptions. People do grow up, and I think having kids (even if it takes them 5 years to acknowledge it) is the best way for that to happen. Maybe he's a different person. Or at least not as bad.

There was rough housing while my estranged husband visited when my boy was two, he came back from the hotel weekend with a bruise on his eye saying "daddy pushed me off the bed" and was tramatized. Thus of course I"m more worried about his dad's lack of judgment, I've told him not to drink around the boy, I think he could have been drinking that night. This incident was investigated actually and there wasn't enough evidence of course since there wasn't a witness and my boy was too young to explain other then "daddy pushed me off the bed"... his dad said they were playing around and he bruised his eye on the bed. It was scarier for me since in my marriage the man used to really push me off beds in arguments. Time has passed and the man showed up from out of state consistently for two years since seeing the boy every two weeks or so and I saw no signs of anything else. A counselor said if there was "real" abuse the boy wouldn't want to be with his dad but others said kids can defend even abusive parents.

I think it's narccism now that I read more, and study my old posts from leaving him, they are actually still on this site. This man is cunning and controlling. Most recently he lied and drained 120k out of a joint checking account that was supposed to require two signatures, drained any funds that should have been split then laughed about it. It's all games to him. And a few weeks ago when the boy was with him a few days my boy said "no" he didn't want to talk when I called, it sounded just like his dad. Someone I know said she divorced a narccist, and that's part of the game... that likely he was showing the boy those days that he was "happy" that the boy was being mean to mommy. I could hear him even laughing in the background. He was sickly getting a thrill from manipulating the boy. So yes there's much much more to me being fearful that he's in my town, and I was rght when I wrote this post, he proceeded to set me up financially, lied to his new employer about our relationship, used the boy to get the job, just a string of outright manipulation that's beyond me... the money especially. He lied and I don't know why I believed the account would be tied up but a previous divorce was cancilled due to inaction so even the legal agreement I had was moot after that. So he stole and hid likely over 110k in four months and with a few years under his belt likely almost all of the money I could have received is gone. Every time I'd get tough he'd cry and whine, so I wouldn't continue. The other night he just "laughed" see I knew you'd back out again, all while I hid more money, I think he was drunk... now I am telling him I'm not going to communicate with him any longer unless it's urgent or about the boy. Of course there's something called "parental alienation" he can use against me too. Saying I with held the boy. This never ends, it's like there's no way out... and I fear for my boy that he could end up abused as I was. It's taken me a long time to heal my mind. I think for a long time I was post tramatic about it all, then the child stuff pushed me further. I joined alanon and have received much healing from that as this man is a drinker, our last counselor thought he'd become an alcoholic throughout our marriage. I"m afraid.

Do you have a legal custody agreement of some kind? My first XH was abusive - to me, not DS (yet). I literally ran away from him to get away as it was in the days before they took domestic abuse seriously. Anyway, he ended up suing ME for custody and we went to court.

There were about 4 separate hearings. The first was basically to introduce the case and at this one I asked for was supervised visitation while the case was still alive. The judge reluctantly granted it, with his brother as the supervisor. There was 4 weeks until the next court date, so 4 Sundays I had to do this (DS was an infant and still breastfeeding, so visitation was only 2 hours). He messed up all 4 of those Sundays - including taking DS away from his brothers house in a car with no child seat, as well as physically attacking my mom who came with me during the exchanges as I was still afraid of him, brother or not.

The judge, who had initially thought I was some rich, vindictive b*+ch just trying to get back at XH, was furious and decided visitation would be under supervision of Children's Aid. They had a daycare facility in another city and a process where the STBX-spouses would come in different entrances and not actually interact. This was also where child molesters and other violent offenders visited their children. XH HATED that, showed up for one visitation and that was that. The first week he didn't show, Children's Aid told us there was too much demand for this service and that they were dropping us for this (no second chance.). So there were 3 Sundays under this arrangement and XH only showed up for one.

Court date #3 - XH whined that the arrangement was no good and requested that he get to take DS to an undisclosed location (to me). He tried to make it out that I was the evil one. Judge basically said no visitation until the next (final) court date since he couldn't even suck it up for 3 weeks and obviously had no respect for the court.

Court date #4 - XH didn't even show up. Judge granted me Sole Custody and full discretion over visitation - as in, I could say never if I wanted.

About 6 months after all was said and done, XH turned up again. I had moved 2000 km away to another province and he tracked and found me. So I arranged a visitation with the help of a friend of my uncle who was ex-RCMP. It would have been a great day - I found a great park that had only one entrance and would have been very safe for my DS, as well as a nice place for visitation. XH decided I was being unreasonable with the supervision and cancelled. That was the last I ever heard from him.

DS will be 21 in May this year. Last year, XH found him on Facebook and they communicated for the first time. DS has been told what his father is like - not just from me but his family as well. Apparently, XH has 5 more kids with a woman who is just about as bad as he is. XBIL told me it is very sad - the kids are very poorly socialized and flinch at any sudden movement - he is certain they are being physically abused. XH has made no attempt to contact me over the years, though being remarried he didn't know my new name and I did live out of the country for a few years. He knows my name now, but (as a result of him contacting DS), I sold my house and have moved and now I don't have a phone in my name anymore. However, I can still be found through work (googling will find me) so I don't feel 100% safe.

I worry a lot about DS. In addition to being abusive, XH was a major con artist and defrauded many friends and relatives out of money - this isn't unlike your XH raiding your joint account. DS has been warned about that as well, but he's also naive and generous. I fear this the most actually - he's too old to be physically abused I think (he's a strapping 6 ft, broad shouldered young man now vs. a 42 yo, probably beer bellied and certainly out of shape).

Anyway, to wrap this up, you might want to consider going for supervised access. Even if you can start it as a temporary measure - if your X is anything like mine, if you give him enough rope he'll hang himself with it.

No supervised isn't necessary, four years has passed since I left him. There's been nothing to worry about, one minor thing and a counselor helped me figure it out, that the father's story was likely true of them playing around on the bed and there was two deals and a boy that age couldn't separate them. Actually there was a string of counselors as I'm obsessive about my boy. After a few months after that I went back to letting him have overnights. Now my boy can talk well and I don't worry. A counselor said I'd know and I think I would if there was anything strange going on. I keep a close eye on it all. I already know you can't involve the system - and I won't write my book about how insane that event was and details here but I have the book for my own records. Unless there's something "serious" where I am worried no one needs to "help" me again, their help isn't really help, it hurts a child. He's seen the boy every other weekend for three years now, and everythings been fine. There's a few things like what my boy said to me, that need to be corrected but all and all it'll work out. Mothers know some things...