Went into Plan B the first of this month and already WH is testing boundaries! He sent me an e-mail (to which I didn't respond), a text message (to which I didn't respond), then even was trying to have "SMALL TALK" with me through our third-party contact person. He told our contact person to le me know that he loves me and is spending a lot of time alone in our house and God is revealing some things to him, that he's even been to church.

I told the contact person to inform him that the third party is for emergencies only, or working out visitation with our child. (Side Note: The visitation arrangements are solved right now because he's visiting the child at daycare, which I'm very happy about because I don't want him picking up our baby and taking him to the OW's place! The daycare knows not to release baby to father.)

The most recent points of contact was an e-mail telling me about a movie he watched that reminded him of "our potential" and today he left a piece of mail for me that didn't get forwarded to my new address. He also bought some diapers and brought them to the daycare and he's been putting money in my account each week to help me pay for the daycare expenses.

In my Plan B, I opted not to even let him know where I'm living. I figure if he hasn't come to his senses in about six months I'm moving out of state, and if we get divorced, then I don't mind small talk or talking business about the baby or the house. Right now as his wife I have nothing to say to him until he ends ties with OW.

He states that me moving out is helping him to clear his head and make a decision. But how long does that take? It's not rocket science. I did a glorious Plan A. He keeps telling me he loves me, but TALK IS CHEAP. In fact, talk is free! He asked our third contact person for another copy of the Plan B letter, so I'm mailing it registered mail this week and I'll include a Thanksgiving card from his son with some recent photos he had taken.

But I'm just starting to wonder... is all this non-contact helping? He seems to be ignoring it (which is disrespectful). I feel like I need to respond and tell him that. ANd re-explain what this is about because he seems to have the idea that I don't want to talk to him because it's too painful for me to hear his voice and that I'll be here waiting in the wings (forever) until he decides on his marriage. I think it would work better if he had the impression that I'm done with the marriage.

Anyhow, any thoughts from anyone? Is it typical for WH to make repeated attempts at direct contact after Plan B is implemented?

Your contact person (or intermediary) should NOT be telling you ANYTHING other than necessary information that you need to know, like issues with your child or finances, and should not be telling your WH anything other than the facts, either.

Can you put a rule on your email to have his emails go to your contact person or just deleted without your reading it or even knowing that he sent an email?

You need to go DARKER.

This is completely typical. WS's try to break Plan B, especially if Plan A went well. They don't know what to do without their "cake".

What you have to remember is that Plan B is so that you protect what love you have for your WH. It also forces the OW to provide ALL his EN's. Plus, it forces him to find out what life will be like without you.

You have given him your Plan B letter right, with what he needs to DO to show you he wants to recover your M? Otherwise, you are right-Talk is cheap. So what if he is paying for diapers for his child? That's what he is SUPPOSED to do.

The only thing you may want to do is send him another copy of your Plan B letter that details what he needs to DO (NC letter, counseling with the Harley's, etc.).

Hang in there. You are doing fine.

Wow, two more attempts at contact since I wrote earlier today. He send a text saying he loves me and to kiss the baby for him, then sent me a photo of the baby he had taken with his phone. The clincher is he left me a voicemail at 3:$5 am (the reason I'm up; apparently the phone woke me up), and it says he tried to contact our third party contact but she's not returned his call (but it sounds like he just called today, not sure yet), and he states that there's something going on this week that he wants to tell me about before it's too late, so that's why he's contacting me directly.

I really didn't want to go through the hassle of changing my cell phone number and e-mail address, but I'm considering it now. I'm so not impressed that the disrespect continues; that he can't even honor a no contact request. I hope you are right that this is in response to him missing his "cake" because I hope he not believing I'm waiting with baited breath for him to choose me and that accept any "bone" he throws at me meanwhile. Like I told him during negotiations, as lovingly as I could, I refuse to be anybody's second choice or backup plan if things don't work out with OW. To which he responded (and this is a smooth one), "What if it doesn't work out with OW because I miss you and what we had in our M too much?"

Smooth, eh? Also initially when my contact person told him no contact by text or e-mail (he was trying to talk her into convincing me to communicate with him that way), he stated that will just make things worse. Make *WHAT* worse?? The "old me" may have panicked and yieled to such nonsense, but I stuck to my guns and am determined to keep sticking to them. I just hope he doesn't start popping up at my job, etc. He's that type. Another famous line of his during Plan A was, "I'm sorry this is hurting you; I love you even though you can't tell by my behavior." To which I'd respond, "You're not sorry enough to stop, and love SHOULD be demonstrated by your actions." The ole "actions speak louder than words."

I'll admit this isn't easy and I'm tempted to see what is going down this week that he feels he needs me to know about. It's also Thnksgiving this week. I pickup my mom from the airport tomorrow - she is staying with me a couple of days. But I shall remain strong! If it's an emergency, he will just try my contact person again. I actually gave him TWO contact persons, so there is a second person he could try. I'm sure he hasn't forgot the art of pursuit since he's been pursuing OW the past several months. Thnx for the encouragement!

You are being very stong HS.

I have not gone to plan B yet and have made a mess of plan A.

I'm not completely familiar with your story. How long have you been married, how old is your baby, how long has your WH been with the OW, when was D-Day etc

Details like this will help the MB vetrans give you appropriate advice.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

2Much2Lose

You need to block his emails. If you can't, you must delete without reading them. Do not listen to him on your answering machine.

Plan B is to have NC both ways. Third party is not to be relaying personal info. Third party needs to tell WH that he is not going to relay personal info. Such as how he is using time, what he wants, misses, etc...

Contact for business, still conected finaces, pending sale of joint property. Health insurance. Visitation.

I will have my contact person make that clear to him, that the NC goes both ways.

I can block his e-mail, but he sent it from another address the last time. I view it as being rebellious and disrespectful to my wishes.

I'll post again after my contact person calls me back. Short of "I have ended relationship with OW," we have nothing to talk about.

P.S. We've been married four years and have a newborn. I also have two step-sons through marriage to him. THey both live with their mothers but spend a lot of time in our home & lives. That is, until now that is because I moved out the first of the month. I left to implement Plan B and also because an eviction notice was pending altho with the economic state of our nation, it was very unclear when and if it was still coming, as we expected to get it over two months ago.

Sorry you are in this state.

Watch out getting sucked into contact. There is a side of us that craves that contact and the other side of us that knows contact is fatal.

He is stubborn and disrespectful, and normally I would recommend ignore*ignore*ignore. But this WH seems to see that as a challenge, so might I recomend you push back...

Type up a text and an email that you will AUTOMATICALLY send everytime there is email or text from him. The same statement over and over and he WILL give up contact through these means.

Something that will sting every time he reads it, something that he will try to argue against, but send the EXACT words to him over and over...something like...

"I will not entertain any contact with you until the OW is out of your life." Or "I don't wish to be second and will not talk with you until OW is gone." Remember, this will only work if it is the SAME exact words...on my texts if I use a copied text it will display "duplicate".

Geez, what a weasel...manipulative and cunning...selfish and not thinking of the consequences of his actions...

Just to be clear - he has three children with three different mothers? Was he previously M'd to those other mothers as well?

This just in. He broke up with OW two-weeks ago, and that's why he's been trying to contact me. Apparently he wanted to tell me directly and not go through our contact person, but he finally told her the deal. He's agreed to go to counseling. Not sure about attending church yet (that was another one of my requirements). He says he wants to start dating me again.

I'm gonna take this veeeeeeeeeeeeeery slow. But just wanted to update this thread. I have a lot to pray and think about. He wants to have Thansgiving with me and baby, but I'm not allowing him over or revealing where I am. I might consider going over his brother's home with the baby. More later.

Did you give him the impression that your terms were actually negotiable?

I don't think I gave him that impression, but, in the message I got from the contact person, nothing was said about him attending church.

I don't want to mess this up, so I appreciate anyone who shares mistakes to avoid at this point. Also, I want to know how he ended it with OW, what he said to her. I feel like I need to know that he told her that he wants his family back. The message I got from contact person just said that he ended things with her two-weeks ago and it's solidified.

You only get ONE chance to negotiate this properly.

What do YOU need to know about this break-up?

Do you need to know what was said?
Is the reason WHY important to you?
A lot of times they break up for their own reasons and disrespect you in the process...

Can he provide PROOF of this break up? Kinda convenient to just let you know, huh? Usually the break up is enforced with a no-contact letter that the WS writes and the BS sends (so you know it was actually sent...) And in that letter the WS needs to acknowledge and respect his WIFE, and let the OW know that.

Don't let the price be too low. How much is your heart and sanity worth?

Agreed. I want proof. I guess the no-contact letter could be proof, altho he could easily check her mailbox and prevent her from getting it. What other proof could be provided? Should I call OW? (I don't really want to do that actually; she's crazy.)

But yeah, I want to know if he told OW that he wants his wife and family back and THAT'S the reason he is ending the relationship. I don't want her thinking or believing anything else. This needs to be clear, because this would be the second time he's broken up with her. (She has it in her head that WH was meant to be with her.)

I want regular counseling, him to join a church, no involvement in the recreational activity where he met OW, writing a NC letter to her. I'm trying to think of what else I want. I just know I want to take it super slow.

In fact, may not agree to be together for THnxgiving. We'll see.

I think I would reply via the mediator:

How do you plan to prove NC with OW?
How do you plan to enforce NC with OW for life?
How do you plan to prove to me that you are 100% open, honest, and transparent?
How do you plan to make me feel safe?
What steps are you going to take to earn back my trust?

Then be quiet. Let him do the thinking and take the actions. If the marriage is not worth this effort to him, then he's not yet in the right frame of mind for reconciliation.

ManInMotion, yes, three sons by three different women. One when he was fresh out of highschool; he never married that person. Then the second son was conceived in his former marriage (his wife at that was constantly cheating on him and divorced him). And now our marriage. He conceived with OW too last year but she had an abortion which devasted him, so I don't understand why he relapsed back into the relationship with her. Well, yes I do. I didn't insist that we go to counseling, he go to church, etc, etc. This time around I'm insisting on those things. I want to take it super slow. I'm glad he wants to "date" me again and not expecting me to just move back home (I moved out the first of this month to do Plan B). This is the first time I'm doing a Plan B. Last time he wanted the marriage back in Plan A, but I didn't insist on the steps Harley recommends for reconcilation. I was just so exhausted from the whole ordeal and didn't want to be a "nag," but that was a big mistake. Definitely not trying to make that mistake this time around. At the time of writing this post, I still have not made any contact with him but obviously I need to respond at this point and soon.

Thnx Turtlehead. Your response also answers my question about his Thnkxgiving request to be with me and baby. There's too many unaswered questions at this point. Plus, my mom is in town (I'm picking her up from airport in an hour) and I already cooked too. Plus I'm sick, have a bad cold.

I would stay away from him for now.

A lot of time the waywards motiviation comes from spending time together at the holidays. Then they relapse as soon as they got what they wanted for xmas...

True. But let's say he continues to pursue. I mean, after all, my Plan B letter did say that I will be very willing to discuss our future once he ends things with OW once and for all.

Well -- their relationship has already had a break-up and a relapse.

How long were they "broken up" last go 'round?
Its supposedly been two weeks now.

I think you should reach out -- just don't let him have open easy access.

Make the price of admission back into your life HIGH. Make sure he's willing to do what you require.